Dating

This is just on my mind so I gotta get it out of my thoughts and onto paper (so to speak). 

I recently redownloaded a dating app. *shudder* I know! But I'd just had my birthday and I couldn't help but feel like it was time to try again and really try this time around. So I went for it and I made a few matches, nothing really interesting but it was fine. Then I met Mr. Ford (not his real name, obvi, but he just ended a job at Ford so). 

Mr Ford is nice and cute and charming. We've talked online and then this week we started phone calls. It was exciting and also terrifying. I haven't told anyone except my MTC companion about him because I just don't need the pressure. 

Last night Mr. Ford finally asked the dreaded question: What are you looking for in dating right now? Yikes!!! 

So what am I looking for right now? I don't know. The truth is this is all so new and unexpected. I haven't done a lot of dating, I mean I went on my first date after I'd finished my mission and I've only had maybe 1 boyfriend (if you combine my two three date relationships that ended in disaster). I've never been kissed, never said "I love you", never really had a boyfriend. So this is all so new. 

I know myself and my anxiety and insecurities that I don't want to rush into anything. I want to take my sweet time, so there is time to develop trust and friendship before the physical attraction gets involved. Besides as you know I have quite the anxieties around physical intimacy which I haven't been able to work past yet. 

So I don't know what this all boils down to other than I want someone with me who can be patient. Who gets that I'm terrified that a relationship will just blow up in my face. That I'll be hurt and that my already struggling trust for men will be shattered forever. I want to know someone and have them know me and completely trust each other. To care about each other beyond our relationship that even if it ends well still want the other person to succeed and find happiness. 

I don't know what I'm gonna say on the phone tonight when Mr. Ford and I talk. But I'm sure it'll be awkward and stressful for me.... here's hoping getting these thoughts out of my head helps me focus a little better today.