Doing things that scare me

Okay my title is a misdirection. Doing these things doesn't "scare me" it makes me feel self-conscious or insecure and it makes me feel different which is hard. 

I turned 27 this year and I'm still single. I also don't have the largest friend group so sometimes I don't do things because I'm not comfortable doing them alone. I don't want to do that anymore. 

I don't want to look back on my life one day and be sad because of all the stuff I didn't do because I didn't think I could do them alone. So here I am tonight. At a restaurant (no take out that I eat at home while watching a movie) eating dinner by myself. It's weird and I do feel a little odd. But it's good! So here's to the first of many "scary" things that bring me joy, even when I do them alone. ❤️ 

Too many feelings to keep bottled up

I'm feeling angry and frustrated and hurt and sad and confused and about a million other things tonight. There are things I want to say but feel like I can't anywhere else so here I am blogging about them....

To my Sister who has chosen to walk away from the church. I don't understand it. I don't understand how you can make this choice after all you've learned and done to stay faithful. I don't understand how you could watch your husband leave and be heartbroken about it only to follow him out, tho I do not blame him. You own this choice and I knoe that. I don't understand how you can turn your back on your covenants and the promises not only to God but from Him. Frankly I'm disappointed because I never thought you'd leave. It's selfish of me to say but truly I am disappointed in you and this choice you've made. I'm saddened by how it is going to change you, your future and our family and your family. I just want to scream that you are making the biggest mistake of your life and the worst part is I think part of you- deep down past all the hurt feelings and mental challenges and everything else knows. Knows that this isn't the right choice even if you feel it's the "right choice for you right now." If you're leaving because your husband hasn't come back then I would ask do you only believe and follow God when you get what you want from Him? If you're leaving because the people don't meet your expectations then I'd ask if you meet those expectations you hold others to? 

Above all else I'd ask do you remember? 

Driving to Grand Marais and shedding tears as we expressed love for the book of mormon and its power. As we expressed a deep hope and belief that in time your husband would find his way back. Remember Grandpa and everything he went through to find his to Jesus Christ and the temple? All the sadness and loss he family felt because it took cancer and death for him to get there? Remember testifying and teaching about God's love as missionary? And weeping tears of joy when the age of service was changes and you called us saying you were going to start working on your papers that very day? Remember the temple and the sealing covenants you've made- the promises that your marriage will last forever IF YOU KEEP YOUR COVENANTS? Remember the peace of girl's camp and the spirit of youth conferences? Do you remember listening to your grandmother share her testimony and her knowledge of God and Jesus Chirst and her going to church by herself on Sunday, regardless of her physical pain, of the road conditions or anything else. Because she knew- she knew that it was what she needed and where she needed to be. Do you remember the blessings of comfort and healing and power you've received throughout your life? The blessings you've seen received by others in your life? 

If you don't remember then I beg you with all my heart and all my love to try. Please please try! Try to remember. If you do remember and don't care or can't right now then I'm sorry and my heart breaks for you... and your husband... and your children and grandchildren.... but mostly for you for how lost you've become. 

And oh how I mourn... mourn the lives you could've changed, the experiences you could've had... I mourn the temple sessions we won't share and that you won't see me wear my white temple clothing and kneel across an alter and be sealed to my eternal companion. I mourn that I won't be able to turn to you as my spiritual strength as I have so many many times before. I mourn that I won't be able to turn to you asking for your prayers and faith in the same way as I face challenges. I mourn how this will change family gatherings and visits. How this will change the spirit I feel in your home and the saftey I find there. Above all else I mourn how this changes things between us even as we try not to let it even as we keep talking and trying and fighting because something will always be missing.... 

I love you. That's what this all boils down to all the hurt and rage and anger and sadness comes down to the unchanging fact that I love you. You are my best friend. You have taught and shaped the woman I've become. You are and always will be my favorite sister. I love you despite these choices and I will continue to fight and pray and weep and fast and hold tightly onto you. Because you mater and one day I know with all my heart and every fiber of my being you will, like the prodigal son, come to yourself- in this life or the next- and come back to our Father who loves you, the Savior who died for you and the Family that want to spend forever with you. 

 

Dear Gym coach

I just got back from the gym and this is what I want to say to the oh-so-helpful coach I met today. 

Thank you so much for your comments. Thank you for introducing yourself to me and my mom and then chastising us because we're, no sorry I'm, not allowed to coach. Thank you for encouraging us in our workout by informing me that I was teaching and using improper form and double thank you for not offering to teach or show me the correct way. Thank you for making me feel self-conscious about my place at the gym, for making me feel uncomfortable bringing my Mom in and trying to help her. Thank you for getting me in my head about what I'm doing and why I'm even there. Thank you for the interruption and for derailing the remainder of our workout. Thank you for not offering training to either myself or my Mom despite the obvious need. Thank you for making the gym a safe space that I want to be at and most of all thank you for showing me that gym girls really are b*tches. 

 

Next time I need help at the gym you'll be the first I don't call! And if I ever need coaching again- you're gonna be at the very tippy top of my don't call list. If I ever see you again (which let's be real I won't because now I know exactly which gym to avoid and at what time) I hope you'll feel proud of how you helped not only myself but also my Mom on our fitness journey. 

Xoxo you're a B 😘 

A review of Moxie

So tonight I needed something funny and uplifting and enjoyable to watch while I took my bath.... and because I'm me I also needed to have already watched it so I wouldn't have to focus to much. 

I chose to rewatch Moxie which is a charming little netflix movie about high schoolers and feminism and love and coming of age. It's charming I'll give it that and overall it's a fun movie to watch but I couldn't help but wish a few little things had been done differently. And so, here I am blogging about them because I can haha. 

My first issue is that they separated the male characters into angels or devils. No in-between. (Exept sort of the teacher- but he's portrayed more as the "I was wrong and now I've learned my lesson" type character. Which is fine but maybe there wasn't a lesson he needed to learn?). The reason this bothers me is that anytime we completely divide men, or women or anything, into purely good v. bad we loose sight of the truth. The truth that a good man can be a bit of a dick, and a good woman can be a witch sometimes. Because we are human and flawed and imperfect but we don't just throw away any human being who's ever messed up. *I'll just throw myself away if that's the case.* And wouldn't it be better to show character who actually had some depth who could grow and change and be given permission to exist imperfectly? I'm not saying we excuse the bad actions but honestly when we show the villain as being the r*pest or someone who SA's others we make the standard of "villainy" so high that no one in the audience except for r*apests feels called to change. 

My second (and frankly bigger issue if you can believe it) was the lack of accountability in the main character. She defaced public property, honestly I'm fine with that-- it was in reaction to the knowledge that a girl had been r*ped at their school. But she also was rude and unkind towards her mother, her mother's boy friend (which again I kind of get because divorce and parents dating is always hard) and towards her boyfriend. Objectively this isn't a big deal- sometimes people are unkind towards others. Back to point 1, we're human and make mistakes. My issues was you never see her apologize for her behavior. They literally have her boyfriend upset with her and express that he doesn't deserve to be treated like her punching bag and her response is: "I've been under so much pressure and my life is so hard." Blah! Ick! Nope! That's not accountability! That's not how we react when someone says, "You've hurt me. I am hurt." And the thing is they just ignore her actions and have her boyfriend end the movie as a perfect 'simp king' who just loves her and let's it all go. It's a true disservice to the ideal of feminism! Feminism is about equality for everyone! 

And it would have been an easy freaking fix!!!! After the couples fight she tries to give him a note which he doesn't read and gives back to her. She chases him and then they have their conversation where she takes no accountability. Here's how you could fix it:

After the fight she again tries to give him a note which he doesn't read- then you have her chase him and their verbal fight. She realizes what a good man she has when she is informed of the rape that took place at her school and writes him new note (maybe do a little voice over read) that she leaves in his locker. Then the next day when everyone is walking out and everything when he lifts his sleeve have him also be holding the note so you see that he's actually received and accepted an apology vs just being a "simp king" in a toxic relationship. SEE?! Easy fix! 

Anyways I'm not saying it was a bad movie I just feel like it went so hard in one specific message it let other things get lost and in doing so lost some of the power to the message it was sharing. But still go watch it- it's a good time! 

Thank you Sister!

I was in an initatory session when I started coughing. I felt embarrassed and frustrated- the sweet sister assisting me quietly and kindly gave me a cough drop and I was fine. Later I snuck out for a quick sip of water- everything was fine. 

Then I was asked if I wanted to do another sheet of names. I excitedly said YES!! I felt the spirit and shed a few tears, but then my nose started to run. Checked my pockets? No tissues. Uh-oh! Here we are again, same sweet sister same quiet kindness-- hands me a clean new tissue. I quietly cry from her kindness. I have just 2 names left, and I have another coughing fit- I feel disruptive and discouraged in myself for being so imperfect. The same sister is beside me, she brushes my shoulder and gently gives me another cough drop. I finish my names and thank her for her kindness with a few tears in my eyes. 

I was reminded tonight of the Savior by this sweet sister and her humble acts of kindness. He loves us and at every moment, whether we ask or not, He gently and quietly, humblely and lovingly reaches out to us. Offering us what we need asking nothing of us in return but to use it and be grateful. I was reminded that in all my hard moments when I feel the worst He is beside me and reaching out in love and kindness to lift me and remind me how precious I am to Him. 

Where are we now?

    HAPPY NEW YEAR! But before we focus on that let's recap 2022 with a list of 22 ehh, okay, great, or somehow otherwise that happened :)

1. I moved into my first apartment! It's a cute two-bedroom place that I share with my cutesy cousin and doggo Capitan. 

2. I went back to school. I attend online and I've only done a few classes before taking a little time off to move.

3. We started having a local institute class, which was easily the highlight of these past few months. 

4. I discovered sticker art- which is an easy and fun way for me to relax while doing other things. 

5. I got called to be the Stake Primary president in my area and after what felt like forever I found three amazing women to serve alongside me. 

6. I made a new best friend!! It was remarkably easy since she is also married to my cousin (not the one I live with haha). 

7. I went back up north with my family over the summer and enjoyed hiking and the lake and delicious donuts. 

8. I read a few books- not as many as I would've liked this year but I digress. 

9. I went on a trip to Idaho and saw my dearest friend and her cute kiddo- we saw a giant potato statue and after some awkwardness had a blast. 

10. I dyed my hair- pink and blue and purple and idk what other colors but it's been fun!!

11. My brother had another kiddo and now I am a proud Auntie to a niece and nephew. 

12. I tried online dating and after everything with Mr. Ford gave it up 

13. I watched my brother graduate from college! 

14. I continued to post to my mushroom Instagram tho-- again not as often as I would like. 

15. I traveled to Utah with my Mom and baked for the wedding of a childhood friend. Which was oddly bittersweet... but the cake? nothing but sweet! 

16. I made and decorated more sugar cookies that I would've anticipated haha 

17. I dressed up as Minnie Mouse for Halloween  

18. I dipped my first caramel apple and it was both tasty and fun!!

19. Bought my first Christmas tree!!

20. Spent my first few weeks/months solo in the apartment while my roommate found "true love" 

21. Helped remodel my Grandma's house so it could be sold 

22. Watched the entire LOTR series not once but twice (because that's how we roll in the shire)  

Testimony

     Hello friends! This week I semi-randomly decided to watch the new Latter-day Saint book of mormon video that covers 3rd Nephi chapter 17- which is definitely one of my favorite chapters. 

     During the scene while they portrayed the idea of angels Ministering to and with the children two specific moments struck me: 

     These moments touched my heart. And it was in an unusual experience. Because as I watched the way these children touched and poked the scars that Christ bares I realized that I knew exactly what that felt like. 

     For several years I have struggled with some scaring on my chest from some complications around my UC diagnosis. And recently my insecurities around the scaring has just been sky high. I have felt disgusted and frustrated and embarrassed by the scaring. 

     But in this moment watching that scene my mind reflected on the many times I have held or played with a baby or toddler and tentatively and shyly they will reach out a finger and poke the scar on my chest. Just as those children would likely have reached out to touch the scaring on Christ's hands. 

     Suddenly with this reminder in my heart I have felt an increase of gratitude for my scaring. I have thought of Him when I see it instead of dwelling on my own insecurities. I have felt such gratitude for this moment that connected me more fully to my Savior and that these feelings have remained with me. 

     I don't know if any of this made sense.... but I'm grateful for this experience and I never want to forget it. So here is where I will keep it.