Self Affirmation

This past week, which was decidedly harder than I'd anticipated, I made the decision to start implementing the use of self affirmations. It's something many, many people have reccomended but it took some personal thought and reflection before deciding, "what do I have to loose?" And just going for it! This is my little self help guide for you to follow or not to help yourself with implementing Self Affirmations into your own life! Don't worry we can do this friend! 

So what exactly is a self affirmation? Well usually it's a statement or phrase that is positive or empowering to help fight against negativity or criticism coming from within. The most common examples start with "I am...." and then usually some sort of positive comment about yourself i.e. "I am beautiful" or else it might be an "I can" or "I will" phrase all of this meant to help adjust your mindset. Honestly take a gander on Google and you'll find plenty of examples if you do a quick search for Self Affirmations. 

Some people just use pre-written affirmations, that's always what I'd tried to do in the past. It wasn't the best for me though because I often turned off my emotional response to them. So they were less than affective. This time I decided I would write my own. Yup! *nervous laughter has entered this chat* 😅

In order to help myself succeed I did some research via (yup you guessed it) the Google. I found this article from PostivePsychology.com which did an excellent job explaining self affirmations, their origin, uses and how to's along with the science behind why and how they work. It also included some tips to write your own and examples of reccomended affirmations. It closed the article with a handful of additional resources from YouTube videos to books to apps. I highly reccomend this article if you have questions about affirmations or if you want to do something similar to what I did for yourself so consider this to be Step one. After this research the part that grabbed me the most from the article was the idea that for self affirmations to be the most effective they have to reflect my core values. 

So a logical step Two was to ask myself: What are my core personal values? 

I just pulled out my study journal and made a quick list. What made the list? Simple stuff: friendship, kindness, compassion, happiness, etc. Knowing what I value was great and throughout writing the list I knew it was true based on how it made me feel. The feeling that it just 'rings true' was what I was relying on. So listen to yourself and don't just write what you think your values should be. Also don't just write the values you feel like you live true to 100% because let's be honest that's a rather unrealistic expectationand there's a good possibility nothing would make the list. Instead even if you struggle to live true to it you'll know how important it is to you if it's something something focus on frequently. And funny as this may seem it some ways I knew it was something that really matters to me if it's also something my inner critic often points out as something I fail at constantly. So if that helps you determine your values use that to filter your list. 

The third step I took was listing things I felt that I needed help with, areas (more abstract than literal) where I needed help. So confidence rather than listing my job, makes sense? Like if you have a specific example of an area of struggle but not sure how it fits try to break down why you struggle with it. Using the original example of Work, why is work something I need help with? Maybe it's because I doubt my ability to do my job well i.e. confidence. Once you've broken it down the why hopefully it'll lead you to a value or something of that like you can work off of. If not that's okay we can work with it anyway! 

Step four: time to write!! Start with an I am or I will or I can statement and then choose a value to build off of. Maybe it's "I am kind" or maybe it's "I will choose to be kind to myself especially when I don't feel I deserve it" in this example the value is clearly kindness and could address struggles with an inner critics lack of kindness towards daily perceived failure. As you write listen to your heart, listen to how you feel as you write the words do they bring you a sense of peace? Yes? then you're on the right track! Don't feel bad if you don't feel something even if it sounds good or you think it would make a good affirmation, to that I say *blows raspberry*. This is completely personal! And there are absolutely no expectations you need to meet, just write what you feel! Don't stress about spelling or grammer or run on sentences or anything else!! After writing something then go ahead and edit it as needed to make it smooth and clear, I reccomend trying to read it out loud see how that sounds but more importantly see how it feels still feeling the peace or the ringing of truth? Good job you did it! If not look at what stands out as needing to change and make whatever adjustments feel right. Then check it again until you get something that works for you! Because these are meant to be personal I won't be sharing mine, but trust me they are certainly not award worthy! But they are exactly what I need right now. 

I wrote only 3 affirmations I didn't want to overwhelm myself and 3 just felt like a good number. I wrote and rewrote until I felt right. Then I decided I wanted to have these somewhere I'd see them everyday, my bathroom mirror. Since I want to more creative/artistic I decided to decorate some pretty paper and then use hand lettering to write them all pretty like. So I guess you could consider this step five but it's definitely optional! I used this marble paper craft  technique that uses food coloring and shaving cream (sounds weird but it totally works) and I've included this helpful DIY article to help you do it too if you want too! Then once the paper dries I added my affirmations and lamentated them before taping them to my mirror. I highly recommend some sort of creative outlet to help really get these things to sink in. Plus there's so much positive research about creativity helping with mental illness so if you have the time try something out.

The final step is to actually start using these affirmations. You can decided how often or when and everything else. For myself I try to say them 3 times in the mirror each morning. It's a good way to start my day and then throughout the day as I see them I might read them again at the point, it is surprising just how often to come to mind after only a few days of doing this exercise! Find what works for you and do it! Don't be afraid to adjust if something isn't working and don't be afraid to make it stupid simple for yourself. Maybe you record yourself saying them and make it your wake up alarm the possibilities are endless just do whatever works best for you! 

Now go forth you majestic unicorn. Affirm yourself straight to success and happiness! Xoxo  

Not ________ enough (fill in the blank)

Self criticism is a cancer. It starts out small, most likely a self depreciating joke or a "no I'm not" following any complement. But if left unchecked it grows and grows and grows. Until there's more negativity than positive and you truly believe the lies you've been spouting. 

There's probably a hundred different reasons why the criticism starts and what drives it forward and for each and every person it's going to be different. Maybe you can pin-point a motivator or maybe you can't, maybe your logical common sense brain says "this isn't true.... this isn't kind... I need to stop" or maybe it doesn't. Because the truth is self criticism is so easy to fall into and so so impossibly hard to escape. 

This has become my life. I am terrorized by a bully, an ever present monster, a monkey always on my shoulder reminding me constantly that I am not enough. Not pretty enough. Not smart enough. Not fun enough. Not skinny enough. Not kind enough. Not doing enough. Not good enough. Just not enough. And it hurts and the feeling that follow it are real and valid and they hurt too... but feelings are not facts. *As my therapist likes to remind me* 

And when someone calls me out on my B.S. with words like: You're beautiful and I love you. Or don't say such mean things about my friend, I love her. Or be kinder to yourself. Or a host of dozens of other comments usually followed by some type of advice on how to fix this problem I have. These words come from love and concern and compassion but feel like knives. Knives handed to my bully who stabs them in repeatedly. 

Because now I'm not kind enough to myself. And such a disappointment to those who love you. And no one wants to be around you because of this. And why don't you fix it already so you stop hurting people. And if you don't fix it you will end up alone and unloved. And all the while I shrink in the corner wanting to hid under a blanket and never show my face again. 

Even when these words come from a loving place and even when they come in kindness and the best of intentions they are still used against me. And it feels like a never ending cycle that's impossible to escape. Because the truth is you just want someone to pat you on the back and say you did a good job. You don't want someone to point out another flaw and give another piece of advice on how to fix yourself. 

You just desperately want someone to tell you that what you're doing is enough. That they see how hard getting up is but you did it! And they see how hard you're working and noticed that you showered and oh my goodness you ate vegetables today? You are a Rockstar! You incredibly sexy beast! Look at you living today. And does it sound sort of silly sure but boy would it feel good. Even if that bully whispers it's not true over and over if you keep hearing it maybe it'll show up one day when the voice says not enough. Am I saying it should only come from other certainly not. But right now when I'm in the bottom of a pit listening to someone yell down, "You know you're in the bottom of a pit right? Maybe if you tried meditation and positive affirmation you wouldn't be down there." Is, unsurprisingly, the exact opposite of helpful. So this is a PSA for anyone who has a friend, family member or acquaintance who faces struggles (does that include you? It doesn't, okay let's just say anyone who can breath BOOM now you're included): just encourage them for everything they are doing. And if you feel inspired to offer advice or call them on the B.S. maybe check with them first make sure if will be actually helpful and not hurtful. And if it's not helpful right now just hold off. When they are ready, when they have the extra energy and strength to work on it then offer your advice with a healthy dose of encouragement. Or if you are worried they aren't ever going to make it out of the pit, worried they may just choose to stay down their forever by all mean make a rope and climb down and do everything you can do get them back out or better yet just sit there. Just be there for them. Let them know that they aren't alone in this pit. 

And for those in the pit? Don't give up. I see you! I see how hard you are working to just breath in and out each day. You are amazing. You can do this! You are not alone. Do what you can right now to help yourself maybe with a therapist or meds or both or neither. Maybe it's with pet cuddles, a bath and a good book. Whatever you do I am proud of you. I know how hard it is and just getting out of bed today is incredible. You are doing so much more than you see. Don't give up and don't forget.