Been a while since I posted and I feel like all my loyal readers must be devastated without my wit and charm. (Hahaha JK I know no one reads this, that's the point!)
So this is just gonna be an example of some of the thoughts, and how they change, that pop into the head of someone with chronic illness!
#bulletpointlist
•We've all seen the commercials for medications when watching the TV.... you know: "Talk to your doctor about 'xyz'.... see if 'xyz' is right for you today!" And then the list of side effects that often feels longer than the positive part of the medications commercial. Now confession time! I loved making fun of those commercials! I know!! I know... literally why! But the fact is most people have snarky comments in response to those commercials: "Why don't they just come right out and say this might make you better or it could kill you?" Or "those side effects sound so much worse than the problem!" Or my favorite "I would rather be sick than take a medication with those kinds of side effects!" And I was so here for this! I was on this toxic bandwagon! #shameonme The thing is now I'm the sick person who is literally grasping at straws some days looking for anything that might stop the pain or make me healthy again. Literally willing to try just about anything! And yes the medication I take have a huge list of side effects you know things like: fever, headache, chest tightness, heart failure, lupus-like symptoms and you know certain types of cancer! Fun right? But here's the thing! It works well enough that I'm willing to take that chance! And honestly yes you need to be aware of what side effects can come with your medications! It's your body, your health and you have to take charge! But it's heart breaking that "healthy" people feel the need to mock and judge those who are willing to try anything to be healthy! This is truly something you just don't understand until your in that boat.
•Farting in front of your SO. Okay so I'm a huge fan to Queer Eye and I love the #fab5! They are such positive icons for our society and I just adore them! However I was watching an interview where they give advice to those getting excited newly weds out there. And they (minus Karamo) literally went off on how you should never pass gass in front of your spouce. *insert best Jonathan voice* Oh no Honey! My anxiety went from 0 to 60 in a snap! As someone who has a "bathroom disease" and everything that comes with it: diarrhea, bloating, gas, pain and general discomfort, etc. Hearing people talk negatively about completely natural body functions, that for me are often unnatural, as if they are gross or somehow wrong is so so SO toxic! This is literally for everyone not just those with Ulcerative Colitis. I'm talking about how we get grossed out about body hair (yes I choose to always shave my pits but legs not so much), or how we shame women over their menstrual cycle (you have the ability to carry life inside of you so you rock your cycle honey!), or how we feel like it's somehow wrong or absolutely disgusting to pass gas. But wake up America! These are normal functions of the human body and creating toxic stigmas about those normal functions need to stop! If your not comfortable around your SO to allow your human body to function normally I would encourage you to think about why that is and if it's to maintain your attractiveness or to hide your authentic self for fear of rejection than there is some toxins in your mind and heart and even your relationship and I would encourage you to address these because only on authenticity can you find true healing. (Also just to clarify! I am totally fine with the #fab5 feeling this way, and anyone else for that matter! I still absolutely adore these guys! #nohatehere)
•Finally let's talk about the elephant in the room of so many ill individuals! The cost of pharmaceuticals is ridiculous! Honestly being sick has seriously killed my bank account! Every medication, procedure, treatment, test, doctor visit, literally anything health related cost money! And the sad part is in a sick person's life their income is usually already hurting because of being sick now they have to pay to be well. It's so sad and for some it can really lead to some serious depression and despair for your situation. Now I am going to acknowledge my blessings (or privilege, call it whatever you want) I have decent insurance and my parents are happy to help pay for my co-pay and so a lot of my cost is pretty well covered. But I do see the strain that this causes my parents as they face financial challenges. Let me give you an idea of what I mean in the form of a little story:
I was recently placed on a new medication in the form of a suppository. And it is a very expensive medication thankfully insurance covers a lot of it. But it's still pricey for just a 30 day supply. It was late the other night and I needed to place my suppositpry before I went to bed and I went to put it in and I'm sitting on the toilet and after I place it in my rectum just absolutely rejected it and out it fell into the toilet!! (now thankfully I had already gone to the bathroom and flushed so it was just the bowel and water, but still...) And I stood up and totally freaked! I needed to get that suppository out of the toilet and where it needed to go!!! Under no circumstances was I willing to even entertain the idea of letting this one go and getting another one. So I'm rummaging in desperation looking for something, anything literally anything, to get it out of toilet. I got nothing! Nothing! I've never been more ashamed of my bathroom. So I just went for it. I shoved my bare hand into the toilet and grabbed my suppository right out of the toilet I rinsed it and my hand off quickly and inserted it, thankfully that time it took. And as I'm washing my hands off it dawns on me what I've just done. I willingly shoved my hand into the toilet to get something out of it to put into my body. I had a good laugh and obviously told my mom the whole story immediately following.
The sad part of the story is I justified my actions because of the expense of the medication. And some people face much worse because they are desperate for treatment and the chance to be well, literally just so they can live.
Well we're done now. My mind finally feels quiet. (Maybe it's the Nyquil, I'm writing this while facing some sort of head cold allergy situation #notfun) Hope you enjoyed this peek into my brain! Remember: choose kindness first!
