admitting my problem

Okay y'all I'm depressed. Not like clinically... not on medication for it. But I have a bad case of "blue Christmas" without a doubt. How do I know this? Well....

I am sleeping a lot, I'm like always tried right now. And yes it can be health related also. I'm not motivated to do anything other than lay around in my pjs. Speaking of, I'm not getting dressed or "ready" for my day. I'm so sad and dissatisfied with my life right now. Even in happy moments it's only surface happy, you know? Like I show it but I don't really feel it. I'm sure it's related to the holiday season. 

This is a weird Christmas for me and my family. My sibblings aren't coming home so it's just kinda me and my folks. And it makes me sad and oh the lonely feeling right now. Then there's the whole end of year thing. You ever just feel 'blah' about the past year? Like what have I even done this year?

So basically I think this is very much situational depressed feelings... But they suck and I'm just trying to process so if it's all I write about for the next little bit now you know why. 

I wanted to try and end in a positive spin, yesterday I had a huge emotional breakdown. I was overwhelmed and we has some issues at home and it just became too much. And of course this happened right as my YSA group were all coming over. So needless to say I wasn't in the best place. When I finally went down to join the group I just want really feeling it. But I was doing my best... sorta. I was asked to give the closing prayer at the end and it became pretty obvious to everyone that I wasn't quite in the best place. So then a few sweet and wonderful things happened. 1st one of the guys (who is NOT) a hugger asked me what was up and then after fixing something's he gave me a hug before he left. It was such a huge moment, it really showed he cared. 2nd another of the guys, after we visited about some of what was going on, he offered some encouragement and then gave me one of his rocks! He'd brought them to show people and I'd mentioned I liked one. So he gave it to me! Honestly those are just a few examples, if you're struggling it's so important to surround yourself with people who love you. Everyone needs love and support and having good friends and family can help lighten your load. 

Hang in there friends! No matter what's going on right now, you can handle it. You're not alone! Try to see the good! 

Curable writing exercise 1

Discussing stress!

Make a list of moments of high stress experiences (often beyond your control) you wouldn't want another to face;

CHILDHOOD:

•bullying

•sibbling with mental health struggles

•death of a grandparent at a young age

•over focusing on weight at a young age

•better management of anger

•being more honest

ADULTHOOD:

•mission

•bullying/inability to stand up for self

•untreated/undiagnosed illness

•chronic illness diagnosis 

☆daily pain

☆loneliness 

•depression/anxiety

☆sibblings with mental health struggles  

Now list any self impossed pressures that can increase your stress:

•☆perfectionism/ high expectations 

•self doubt

•impatience with self

•people pleasing at own expense 

•bottling emotions

☆fear of vulnerability

•low self-esteem 

Read through the list paying attention to your body. Mark the ones that cause the highest physiological and emotional responses, we'll use them in later writing. 

Trying out Curable

If you live with a chronic illness or if you're a frequent guest of the doctors office than you've probably, at one point or another, been told, "Well, you might just need to learn to live with this." In my last post I expressed how much no one wants to hear that! Everytime I hear that I feel like I die a little inside, it hurts to imagine that this pain or this issue is something I just have to learn to be okay with. And sometimes it feels impossible to even imagine living one more day with this problem let alone another 50 years. 

So what do we do? Do we crawl into our beds and cry? Yes... well maybe if it helps you cope for the minute go for it! Do we scream and cry and ask "why me?" Probably... however this is less helpful even than staying in bed. What I believe we have to do is activate our inner Pollyanna. Get a little perspective! Be grateful for something, anything! And find a tiny sliver of hope and happiness. Then we get to work! If the doctor doesn't have the answer don't give up! Keep looking and searching! Be you're own advocate and find solutions even if they only work for you! 

This is where the Curable App comes in. I've been following Curable on Instagram for a while now and when I found out they have an app I was very interested. So I downloaded the app and I've been trying to use it regularly ever since! Curable is all about helping treat, manage and function with pain. It's basically like a pain clinic right on your phone! It offers education, meditation, exercises and writing. This is meant to be used regularly. I've really enjoyed it all do far. And I'm so excited to see if there is improvement!! I'll keep y'all posted!