choose to be open!

Hello friends! So much has happened recently and trying to write it all out feels like trying to slowly release a waterfall haha... however I'll save the life update for another post. This is simply another rant- as I'm so prone to. 

I believe that we need to have a sense of openness about ourselves to thrive in life. If we are always closed off, saying no thanks and walking within our very small bubble we'll miss out on some pretty incredible opportunities. 

See I have this friend, she's pretty anti steady relationship. Totally fine- you have to be ready for it. But it's to a point that she won't even go out with a guy without telling him that there's no chance for anything more than a single date. Now again not objectly wrong, however! Can you see how having that attitude could close you off to opportunities and blessing the Lord might have in store for you?

Instead of telling every guy you meet this is a one and done date for me. Simply say: I'm not looking for a steady relationship right now. But be open- be ready that if the right person comes along, if the spirit is present you act! You follow.

If I've learned anything over the past few years it's I have a plan and God has a plan and if I pigheadly follow my own plan I'd miss out on a lot. Trusting the Lord and his plan for you isn't easy. Sometimes it means giving up on a thing you want, sometimes it's waiting for your hopes and dreams. But when you are open to what the Lord has you'll never miss out and I know you won't regret it! 

So for those too closed off, too set in their ways, too determined to forge their own road... remember that if you want a good life you do it your own way but if you want an amazing life you do it His way. It won't be easy but looking back it'll be 100% worth it! 

what a day

Today has been one of the hardest days I've had in a long while. I've felt such strong feelings today and they have just bubbled and boiled and I feel like if I don't get them all out I'll explode! So here we are...

After quite some time, debate, excuses and fear... greater fear than I can explain or fully express, I've decided to go to my Bishop for help in the process of Repentance. 

See a long time ago, as a teenager I began a habit that has followed me around for years. Before my mission I tried to repent and felt like I'd done a good job- I'd stopped the bad habit and felt worthy to go and serve. It wasn't a challenge during my mission and I naively thought that when I got home it wouldn't be a problem ever again. I was wrong. 

Since being home the habit has grown- I've known it was wrong. Prayed to stop, determined in myself to change and then days or weeks or sometimes even months later I slip and there I am back where I was. This past week its been consuming me- boredom and free time is a dangerous combination when it comes to temptation and sin. 

At this same time I've been participating in an institute class centered and focused on Repentance and forgiveness. It's inspired me to change and be better, yet the slip ups continue. So today as I drove to institute my heart and mind were open and I finally talked to my Father in Heaven about what I've been dealing with. I told Him it all, the good and the bad and most of all I opened myself up with the honesty that I didn't know what I should do next. I felt lost and empty and needed direction. I knew I needed to tell someone, probably my Bishop but oh man! 

After a few articles I found on churchofjesuschrist.org I felt within myself that the first step, the right step was to talk with my Bishop. I pulled off and wrote a message- after some rewrite and tears I finally hit send. Then I was blessed with a phone call, a hand reaching out with love and compassion my big Brother. He spoke to me of Gods love and mercy. He reassured me this was the right step and that I could do this. That I wasn't evil or damned. It was everything I needed right then and there to keep me from throwing in the towel all over again. 

Then my Bishop responded, in such mercy and compassion he was ready to go. Wanting to help me, free of judgment. I don't know what's going to happen next. But I already feel better. Feel lighter- I know this is a step in the right direction. I have a new sense of hope that I didn't have before and I'm grateful. I'm still afraid to actually talk with my Bishop. I'm afraid of what might happen next.... but I know that with God's love things will be okay. 

If you're trying to find your next step. I encourage you to take it, take the step you feel directed to take. Even if it's hard, exspecially if it's hard. The Lord loves you, He'll walk beside you and will help you one this path. Don't give up! With Christ you can do all things. 

I have felt so angry and sad and hurt... a hurt that cuts deep right down to your center. I've been angry with myself- that I didn't use every second of the time I had been given, that I wasn't there more, that I didn't take more pictures with her. It's hard not to feel bitter and angry about these things... and the hurt just cuts a little deeper with each of these thoughts and feelings. I've also felt angry and hurt and sad that Grandma isn't here now... that her eyes aren't open, that she can't talk, it makes every interaction feel empty. I want a better goodbye. I want a last hug. I want to hear I love you one more time. And the hard truth is... I don't think I'm gonna get to. I don't think her physical body has that strength anymore. 

But during this time of fasting and prayer I have felt something stiring. Memories of times spent together. Of hugs and "I love you"s. Time spent together listening to her voice, her stories, her testimony. I remember her saying I love you. Wishing me healing and peace. Praying for my future, for love. Grandma always saw more good in me than I ever saw in myself. She loved me so completely it was never in question. No matter my choices, mistakes or flaws I 

knew-- I still know. Her love was constant. 

Grandma was a woman of faith and of love. She lived her life to its fullest. Always striving to grow and to help others. She loved deeply and completely. She was fearlessly devoted to Jesus Christ. She knew Him, she knew Him as her personal Savior. Grandma's life touched all those around her for good, because she was goodness and kindness and love. Grandma is everything I want to be when I grow up. Becuase if I can be like her, love like her, listen and follow like her. I know I will be closer to my Father Heaven and to all those I've loved and lost. If I had my wish Grandma would stay, stay with me. But "I do sin in my wish..." even though I don't feel ready I'm going to try to be okay with her moving on. Try to let her know that it's okay. And we'll be okay.

I know our love will never die. We are a family sealed forever in a temple of ou God. How grateful I am for this blessing, this truth and knowledge. I know she is not alone, Grandpa and Marty and Jacob and all those that Grandma has loved and lost are there waiting to welcome her home. What a beautiful and happy reunion that will be. There is joy in this if we remember that death is not the end. That families and love doesn't end. It hurts, I hurt in ways I've forgotten I knew how. But the love is there-- to wrap me up and hold me close. I know that no matter what happens she'll stay near by and at all those moments I want her to share with me she'll be there. 

Xoxo

Happy Birthday Harry!

For the month of July I set quite a loftey goal for myself. My goal was to read the entire Harry Potter series by the end of the month, seeing as July 31st is Harry Potters birthday I felt it was a good time to refresh myself. And let me just say, "HARRY POTTER IS THE GREATEST BOOK SERIES IN THE WORLD!!" Feel free to disagree (as long as you're okay with being wrong haha)

I have throughout my reading been compiling my thought and feelings and I'm gonna dump them all right here. #sorrynotsorry There is not a particular order to any of these thoughts however I will write down which book I was reading when the thoughts came around. 

Harry Potter and the Socerers Stone, book 1:

Alright okay this is such a delightful book. My heart is positively bursting with love. It's like sitting back in your childhood, immediate nostalgia, safety, peace. This is happiness. 

Hermione Granger is an excellent female character. She isn't the emotional one, she's judgmental and harsh at times. She has very much a one track mind- do well in school, excell, prove you belong here. She is such a different take on the typical female lead; not being the compassionate motherly figure, having a wicked side. In many ways she is the original not like other girls (only in her case it's true haha). 

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, book 2:

Those dumb movies did Ronald Weasly so dirty!!! I can't even handle this nonsense!!!

Ron is the heart of the trio- he is the emotional head of the group (The heck was that dumb, "Just because you've got the emotional range of a teaspoon" movie garbage?! *edit* I recognize this line is said by Hermione to Ron in the 5th book. However I think the difference is the way Ron has been portrayed up to that point. In the book Ron simply can quite understand why a bit of kissing wouldn't cheer someone up. In the movie it's like a culmination of all his insensitivity to that point). Ron is constantly moved by emotions; he gets jealous of Harry, he is more than ready to throw hands to defend his family and his friends. He is quick to emotionally support Harry and Hermione, being their resource for non-school related magical knowledge (which makes so much sense; why one earth would Hermonie be the expert on all things magical 24/7 she is a muggle-born and yes she is a good student but as for social things or culturally speaking it makes sense to give Ron the lead). When Harry is being abused and neglected by the Dursleys Ron leads with that lizard part of the brain and makes an emotional decision, GET HARRY OUT NOW! (The only right decision in my opinion). Ron is a perfectly imperfect character led purely by his heart, fiercely loyal to his friends and family (this is why the theory that the Golden trio being a representation of each different house makes so much sense, Hufflepuf is 1000% a perfect fit for Ron), but far from perfect as we see in later books. 

Albus Dumbledore is my hero! He is infinitely compassionate and understanding. When Ginny Weasly is found to be the one who was being controlled into opening the chamber of secrets Dumbledore steps in immediately to separate Ginny from the situation. Making it clear from the first moment that Voldemort was controlling her. And then seeking only that she recieve the care she needed after the traumatic events. Even going as far as reassuring her that there was no lasting harm done. Maybe I'm crazy but that line alone touched me, I even got a little teary, because it was such a show of pure mercy and compassion and forgiveness. Ginny knew, she saw her weaknesses, saw what she had done and the horror of it all. She didn't need a talking to, didn't need any punishment, she needed mercy and Dumbledore gave her that without question. 

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Severous Snape is the absolute worst character in the history of ever!! I don't care what happens in later books or whatever garbage JK has come up. I hate him. Now in contrast to horrible book Snape you have movie Snape and I will give in, movie Snape is wonderful. He's plenty a hero. He's a bit of an uptight, mean and harsh man. But he does good things and if my opinion on Snape was based only on the movie version of Him I'd have little to nothing bad to say about him. 

Sirius is such a tragic hero. He's a young man destroyed by Azkaban and with so little happiness in his life but the moment he meets Harry again he is ready to open his heart and his home to him. It is beautiful and everything they go through is so heartbreaking. It's really a tragedy that the movie didn't show all that was in their relationship. 

Deatheaters are such an interesting symbolic evil. They are hopelessness and despair and there is so much beauty and power in the idea that it is our memories of happiness and joy and peace that help us overcome the darkness. That moment in the end when Harry thought his father had saved him only to realize that no one was going to save him from the darkness. That he needed to save himself and more importantly that he could save himself. There is power in that knowledge and it goes far beyond a book! It's the truth, you can save yourself and you have the power within you to do it! 

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Cedric Digory is beautiful marshmallow and will never be forgotten as the best Hufflepuf since Newt Salamander (idk how to actually spell his last name, you know who I mean tho) the death of Cedric is the start of the war, the end of childhood for many of the students at hogwarts. 

"Harry, did you put your name in the goblet of fire?!?" Nuff said ;) 

I love that JK doesn't shy away from pettiness in these books. She let's Ron and Hermione bicker and stop talking to each other over disagreements. She gives Ron the freedom to be jealous and angsty against Harry. Because that's reality!! We have petty fights, we get butt hurt but if we will have the courage to go back and make it right our friendships can last and even be strengthend. 

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phenix 

Dumbledore's Army is life! A group of teenagers seeing something wrong with their world and doing something about it! Dumbledore's Army is how we can all fight back!! We can learn and prepare for the fights life is going to throw at us. In also showed the uniting, no longer was the focus on houses or ages it was a uniting force. United in one goal (that's not to say they were united on everything. How could they be? But they joined focies and set aside their differences so they could unite in what was most important). 

I love Luna Lovegood! She is my sprit animal ;) Her sense of confidence within herself, her belief (despite people's opinions) never faltered. She had a sense of purpose and self that is beyond admirable. She was weird and odd and off the wall but she showed loyalty and never let the unkindness of others taint her. She is a perfect foil for Severus Snape. Ridiculed and bullied by the other students but instead of turning inward and becoming angry and bitter she turned outward she found a way to love herself and surrounded herself with those who loved her. 

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince 

Oh 'em goodness! I love this one!!! Harry and Ginny are my original OTP! (One true pair for those not deep into Fandom life) their first kiss is a thing of legends! Their relationship is so sweet, Harry simply acknowledging that she makes him happy. There's no better way to show the good of a relationship than to say with honesty that they make you happy, happier than you've ever been. It's just the ultimate sweetest!!! 

The death of Dumbledore is heartbreaking. Say whatever you want but he was a good man and a powerful leader. He inspired hope and in every way he showed us that love would win!

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows 

I am so proud to say that at 11:45 on July 31st I finished this book! *happy dance* 

First of all each character who was lost throughout this book there is a special sort of pain. Dobby and Fred are two that always hit me deep. But somehow it was the loss of Lupin and Tonks that hurts so much. The lsot their future with their child. Teddy lost his parents and it was sort of a repeat of how the book started, a child who was left behind. But this time there is so much more hope for the future. 

I also found myself thinking as I read this book how it's really about redemption. Dumbledore had flaws, he had weaknesses and faults. He'd made mistakes- huge ones in his past. But he learned and from them he changed and grew as a man. He became a champion for those he once ridiculed and judged as lesser. Snape went from supporting the dark arts to fighting against them in everyway he could. I think the biggest difference between them is that Dumbledore changed because of loss and instead of allowing bitterness to fill him he filled himself with a greater sense of love. Whereas Snape held onto the buttress of loss and never allowed love to come back into his life. I still think he sucks- but I do acknowledge a sense of redemption to him. 

Harry named his children like a goofball! Hahaha. I'm sorry I feel strongly about this! Naming his son after Snape makes me sick! Exspecially when in the books he talks about Hagrid being brave and inspiring to him. Albus Rubeus would be much better! And I know he wanted to remember Snape and whatever but blah! No thank you. I also have feeling about the epilog in general. However the thought behind it is good. 

So there you go! Reading Harry Potter this past month has been my light in darkness. This month has been hard for me. I've struggled emotionally and physically and reading Harry Potter has brought me joy and peace. I love this book series and will for always! "Until the very end."- James Potter 

"Just Relax"

My giddy aunt I must hear the words "Just Relax" a thousand times a week. And since it hear it soooo much it must be super helpful right? WRONG! The combining of the words "Just Relax" makes me want to scream my head off, kinda the opposite of what the person saying wants. 

It's like someone is on fire and instead of grabbing water to put them out or pulling them to the ground for the 'stop, drop and roll' you tell them, "You need to put out that fire." Can you see the ineffectiveness? Is it glaringly obvious yet? That's exactly what it feels like to hear, "Just Relax" when I'm feeling out of control- stressed and anxious and overwhelmed. Right there, right then I don't feel like I can put out my fire. My anxiety and fear isn't something I can just switch off in that moment. And telling me, "gee I do believe you need to relax." Does nothing but increase my stress. And adding cautions about how: "you always hate yourself after you act this way" or "your going to make things more miserable for yourself by acting this way" don't help much either. 

Before someone jumps down my throat for being a spoiled brat let me just clarify I recognize my actions and stress levels are inexcusable. I am not trying to justify them. I know damn well that when I get like this I am a legit b*tch and it's %100 true that after my blow up of b*itchiness I am always more upset with myself, my actions and how I treated the people I care about. It's a struggle I have and I am sincerely trying to work on it. I'm trying to practice relaxation and calming techniques. It's like trying to implement fire safety standards but somehow or another you end up standing knee deep in the fire and then you're just SOL from there. 

So my point of this: is maybe we need some new ideas for how to help each other when we or someone we love is loosing that control.

 

In my day job I work with Autistic Kiddos and when they start to spiral out of control with stress and anxiety I don't say: "calm down", "just relax" or anything else. Instead I offer them work able and applicable relaxation techniques. I say things like, "Let's take a deep breath, okay?" Then I just start breathing with them. Leading by example and often anyone near by just immediately join in with whatever breathing I'm doing. Sometimes it works, sometimes not so much. But I have other tools in my tool box! Next I may ask if they need a hug? Or if they need some quiet time? I might try to offer a distraction (something I know they'll enjoy and will genuinely tempt them). Odds are something like these work. And then after they have calmed down (the situation may or may not have changed but their attitude or well being has changed) I will discuss what's wrong, discuss how we can fix it and then we make a plan for the next step. Sometimes discussing what's wrong causes them to get upset again but we just start the cycle again. 

So maybe, just maybe that would work for the rest of us too? How about instead of saying things like, "Just Relax" we try one of these techniques? When someone is upset and stressed try saying, "Should we take some deep breaths? I'm gonna take a deep breath okay?" Or "Do you need a hug?" How about, "How can I help you, how can we fix this?" I don't %100 know if these would work better. But I have to hope and believe that maybe that would be a bit better than, "Just Relax." 

So let's be advocates! Let's discuss these plans with people we love and let them know what we think would help us. Setting expectations and sharing our ideas certainly can't hurt. If nothing else then our people know a bit better what's going on with our heads. Frankly being on fire sucks and if there's anything we can do to help let's do it!!! 

Different or Normal, does it matter?

Recently I got the chance to teach a class to the 7 and 8 yr olds at church. It was lovely!! I adore working with kiddos! I do it in my day job, it's my calling, I love it! However... something occurred at the start of my lesson that really got me thinking:

I had just introduced myself and one of the girls in the class had her hand up, I had no idea what her question or comment might be so I called on her before jumping into the lesson. Her question? "What's wrong with your mouth?" #ouch Boy, I thought I was ready for anything, I was not ready for that question. 

You see, I have a mild speech impediment. It affects the way I pronounce my 's' sound. Coming off as more of a 'sshh' vs the traditional 'ssss' you get what I'm driving at. I'm different, I talk different and I have for all of my life. Honestly I don't think about it much, it's how I talk so it doesn't much matter to me. Until moment like this... suddenly I'm a freak at a circus and the lights are blinding me and I'm much too exposed. It's a horrible feeling, and until you have a "flaw" that people like to point out or question you won't really understand the feeling. Let's just say it sucks.... a lot. 

But it got me thinking. Why are people so hyper focused one differences? Different skin color, hair color, way you talk, dress, eat whatever. Why does is it such a big deal to some and barley noticeable to others? 

For example on my mission my first mission president sat me down and first thing asked about my speech. He wanted to know the what and the why. Frankly I had been terrified before my mission about the speech and this was no help for those anxieties. When the new mission president came in I felt sick, at our first meeting I thought "oh boy, here we go again." But for the remainder of my mission it was never brought up again, not by a companion or mission leader. 

So again I ask why? Why did one president need to know and understand every specific detail and the other not even bring it up? What's the difference? I honestly believe that when you see some one with spiritual eyes instead of mortal ones you begin to see past those mortal flaws, mortal differences. 

And my advice is: it starts with the kids. They don't learn to point things things out, to notice the differences unless we teach them too. Unless we show them by our example or our words. We teach children and then they become adults and the things they learned as children becomes who they are. How they see the world and how they treat others. So please be kind. See others as good. And when all else fails remember the old addage: "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say nothing at all."

Dear future husband

*No copyright infringement intended ;) however when writing to your future husband what else can be said?*

Dear future husband, 

     It's so strange, we've never met (well perhaps we have but I'm not aware of it) yet I think about you. You're in my thoughts throughout the day, in my prayers at night, it's as if you're already apart of me. 

     I long for you in ways I can't explain and words I don't quitw know how to express. I long to hear you laugh, to feel your arms around me, to see you interacting with my brothers and my niece. I long for the future we'll build together and the dreams we'll chase. I long to hold you while you struggle and turn to you for guidance and peace. I long for long talks and long walks, for baking and mess making, for magic moments and average Tuesday's. I guess you could say, "I am a cavern of longing-ness." (~Decoy Bride~) 

     While we spend this time apart; I'm striving to become. Become the woman you will want to marry, the woman God sees within me. I want to be beautiful to you, beyond the skin and into the soul. I want you to see me and see so much more. I'm trying to find ways to face my challenges with hope and with grace. I believe that in this time you too are growing, becoming and transforming. And odd as this may sound I'm trying to learn to be enough without you. Too reach for the stars and dream and hope and live. Because tomorrow isn't promised... and although I hope I find you in this life I'll certainly settle for the next. 

     I heard once from a past temple President that you don't marry your soul mate, you become one. I dream of the day we covenant much more than till death do us part but rather far longer than forever. I'm not hardly naive enough to believe we'll immediately have a happily ever after. But I do believe that as we face challenges together, whatever they may be, we will grow to become true soul mates and we will build the happily ever after I dream of. 

     Until the day we meet,

Xoxo, your future wife

Anxiety

WARNING! THE FOLLOWING INCLUDES A DESCRIPTION OF AN ANXIETY ATTACK! 

*deep breath in* RUN *deep breath out* ESCAPE *breath in* UNSAFE *out* YOU HAVE TO GET OUT!!! 

What is happening?!.... unexplained, terrifying, loss of control, fear- uncontrollable fear. This was my experience going to a YSA activity last night. 

I went outside and cried on the drive way. I tried to breath. Tried to think. Tried to calm myself down...I couldn't... I was in danger. I was afraid. I was alone. I needed to get away. I decided to leave, just gotta get home. I need to get home... home.... I needed help. 

I calmed myself, wiped my face went inside. Couldn't breath, can't think... can't stay. 

My friend followed me back out. 

"Are you okay?" I'm crying again, crying before she finished her sentence. I can't breath. Can't think. I need to run! Run where? I don't know. I'm not safe! Fear, doubt. I'm lost, alone. She hugs me. I cry, she cries. I try to breath, she just holds on. I apologize over and over. She holds me. 

I am empty, exhausted. My breathing has steadied. My heart beat slowed. I can think again.... I have control again. 

This was an anxiety attack. Not my first, but by far the worst in quite some time. Looking back I can remember the fear and confusion. But I also think, what on earth? You were fine. You made such a fool of yourself, crying in the drive way. Hope the neighbors didn't see. But thoughts, clarity, understanding that doesn't exist when anxiety is screaming: RUN! HIDE! ESCAPE! YOU'RE TRAPPED! THIS IS BAD! Nothing in that moment makes sense, only the feelings. There is nothing but fear and doubt. 

Anxiety is real. It can be scary. But remember you are not alone. You are loved. You are seen. You can make it through this. I believe in you.... 

From one anxious chick to another; hang in there! 

Be the one that honks

I was driving down the road, it had been a long day. I'd spent a lot of time on the road and I was ready for the day to end. When I saw out my window two boys waving from the sidewalk, gesturing for those driving by to honk. So without really thinking I honked my horn and smiled as their excitement grew and the jumped up and down grabbing at each other because they'd gotten me to honk. 

Now I don't know how many drivers honked as they passed, I hope lots did. But I know most cars along side me didn't. And why not? It wasn't hard to do, it didn't harm anyone in fact it was something that could easily be done without much thought at all. So why don't we just always honk?

I believe that there are two main reasons why we forget to honk. The first because we don't see it as important or meaningful. If it doesn't matter why do it? I don't think honking for those boys is something they will remember forever honestly I think they forgot about me the moment I drove past. But I haven't forgotten, for a small moment I sent some good into the world. I sent just a bit of kindness out and we don't really now just what affect that will have. You see, I think as a society we have become ultra focused on our lasting impact, WE WANT TO CHANGE THE FUTURE! But along the way we forget that our small actions, things that seemly don't matter can change someone's day. So maybe instead of focusing on changing the future we just focus on today. Change today, make it good and beautiful and be grateful for it. And along the way I believe we will change the future in ways we will never expect. 

The second reason I think we don't honk is because we are hyper focused on ourselves. All we see is us, our drive home, the work ahead or behind and we miss the things around us. On my mission we called it: 'being quick to observe.' I remember a story my Mission President told about a group of missionaries so focused on each other and being together that 2 complete strangers walked right through their midst without a single word from the missionaries. Are we like that? Completely oblivious of those around us? Those who ask so little of us, just a honk, a smile and kind word. With every struggle we face it's easy to see how we could simple miss our opportunity to help someone else. 

I invite you to be the one who honks! Focus on today, open your eyes and see those around you. Spread kindness like glitter so it never truly leaves us. 

An open letter

Dear Marty,

     It's been one whole year since you left us. One year since you lost your fight with mental illness. A year of strangeness and sadness and trying to remember or understand. 

     I hope that you are well up there. I hope you and Grandpa are sitting together watching over us, petting all the dogs up there. Somehow I know that you're not as far away as you may seem. I believe that you have found the peace you couldn't find here. I hope with all my heart that you know just how much we miss you. How much we love you. 

     Marty, this year has been an eye opener for me. I've started therapy, trying to get help with my issues. I've struggled this year, it's been hard-- harder than I ever could've imagined. My mental health has really deteriorated this past year. Anxiety has spiked and suddenly I'm facing depression which is so unfamiliar and scary all at once. 

    I was driving the other day when suddenly I felt like I understood you... I can't imagine just how empty and hopeless you must have been feeling to end your life, to think that was the only option. And yet, dealing with this darkness and weight and sadness it's suffocating some days. I still believe that hope and help is coming... but two years with this, five, ten... I don't know if I could do it. In a way I never expected I finally understood what could've let you to this choice. And oh how it broke my heart. I cried and cried. Oh Marty, dear Marty. I cannot wait to wrap my arms around you and just let you know. I wish I could've been there for you in life more. 

     There's a hundred things I would do differently if I could. Would it change things? I honestly don't know. Would you have let me in if I'd tried? I don't know. But I wish I could've had a second chance. So I am making this my second chance. I promise you that I won't give up this fight. I promise that no one who comes across my path will leave feeling less loved. I am going to love people with all my heart, I am going to listen more and judge less. 

     Marty I am going to remember you and because of you I am going to be better. I love you Marty. I miss you. I'm so grateful you've been a part of my family. Until I see you again my cousin and my friend. 

Xoxo 😘

Self Affirmation

This past week, which was decidedly harder than I'd anticipated, I made the decision to start implementing the use of self affirmations. It's something many, many people have reccomended but it took some personal thought and reflection before deciding, "what do I have to loose?" And just going for it! This is my little self help guide for you to follow or not to help yourself with implementing Self Affirmations into your own life! Don't worry we can do this friend! 

So what exactly is a self affirmation? Well usually it's a statement or phrase that is positive or empowering to help fight against negativity or criticism coming from within. The most common examples start with "I am...." and then usually some sort of positive comment about yourself i.e. "I am beautiful" or else it might be an "I can" or "I will" phrase all of this meant to help adjust your mindset. Honestly take a gander on Google and you'll find plenty of examples if you do a quick search for Self Affirmations. 

Some people just use pre-written affirmations, that's always what I'd tried to do in the past. It wasn't the best for me though because I often turned off my emotional response to them. So they were less than affective. This time I decided I would write my own. Yup! *nervous laughter has entered this chat* 😅

In order to help myself succeed I did some research via (yup you guessed it) the Google. I found this article from PostivePsychology.com which did an excellent job explaining self affirmations, their origin, uses and how to's along with the science behind why and how they work. It also included some tips to write your own and examples of reccomended affirmations. It closed the article with a handful of additional resources from YouTube videos to books to apps. I highly reccomend this article if you have questions about affirmations or if you want to do something similar to what I did for yourself so consider this to be Step one. After this research the part that grabbed me the most from the article was the idea that for self affirmations to be the most effective they have to reflect my core values. 

So a logical step Two was to ask myself: What are my core personal values? 

I just pulled out my study journal and made a quick list. What made the list? Simple stuff: friendship, kindness, compassion, happiness, etc. Knowing what I value was great and throughout writing the list I knew it was true based on how it made me feel. The feeling that it just 'rings true' was what I was relying on. So listen to yourself and don't just write what you think your values should be. Also don't just write the values you feel like you live true to 100% because let's be honest that's a rather unrealistic expectationand there's a good possibility nothing would make the list. Instead even if you struggle to live true to it you'll know how important it is to you if it's something something focus on frequently. And funny as this may seem it some ways I knew it was something that really matters to me if it's also something my inner critic often points out as something I fail at constantly. So if that helps you determine your values use that to filter your list. 

The third step I took was listing things I felt that I needed help with, areas (more abstract than literal) where I needed help. So confidence rather than listing my job, makes sense? Like if you have a specific example of an area of struggle but not sure how it fits try to break down why you struggle with it. Using the original example of Work, why is work something I need help with? Maybe it's because I doubt my ability to do my job well i.e. confidence. Once you've broken it down the why hopefully it'll lead you to a value or something of that like you can work off of. If not that's okay we can work with it anyway! 

Step four: time to write!! Start with an I am or I will or I can statement and then choose a value to build off of. Maybe it's "I am kind" or maybe it's "I will choose to be kind to myself especially when I don't feel I deserve it" in this example the value is clearly kindness and could address struggles with an inner critics lack of kindness towards daily perceived failure. As you write listen to your heart, listen to how you feel as you write the words do they bring you a sense of peace? Yes? then you're on the right track! Don't feel bad if you don't feel something even if it sounds good or you think it would make a good affirmation, to that I say *blows raspberry*. This is completely personal! And there are absolutely no expectations you need to meet, just write what you feel! Don't stress about spelling or grammer or run on sentences or anything else!! After writing something then go ahead and edit it as needed to make it smooth and clear, I reccomend trying to read it out loud see how that sounds but more importantly see how it feels still feeling the peace or the ringing of truth? Good job you did it! If not look at what stands out as needing to change and make whatever adjustments feel right. Then check it again until you get something that works for you! Because these are meant to be personal I won't be sharing mine, but trust me they are certainly not award worthy! But they are exactly what I need right now. 

I wrote only 3 affirmations I didn't want to overwhelm myself and 3 just felt like a good number. I wrote and rewrote until I felt right. Then I decided I wanted to have these somewhere I'd see them everyday, my bathroom mirror. Since I want to more creative/artistic I decided to decorate some pretty paper and then use hand lettering to write them all pretty like. So I guess you could consider this step five but it's definitely optional! I used this marble paper craft  technique that uses food coloring and shaving cream (sounds weird but it totally works) and I've included this helpful DIY article to help you do it too if you want too! Then once the paper dries I added my affirmations and lamentated them before taping them to my mirror. I highly recommend some sort of creative outlet to help really get these things to sink in. Plus there's so much positive research about creativity helping with mental illness so if you have the time try something out.

The final step is to actually start using these affirmations. You can decided how often or when and everything else. For myself I try to say them 3 times in the mirror each morning. It's a good way to start my day and then throughout the day as I see them I might read them again at the point, it is surprising just how often to come to mind after only a few days of doing this exercise! Find what works for you and do it! Don't be afraid to adjust if something isn't working and don't be afraid to make it stupid simple for yourself. Maybe you record yourself saying them and make it your wake up alarm the possibilities are endless just do whatever works best for you! 

Now go forth you majestic unicorn. Affirm yourself straight to success and happiness! Xoxo  

Not ________ enough (fill in the blank)

Self criticism is a cancer. It starts out small, most likely a self depreciating joke or a "no I'm not" following any complement. But if left unchecked it grows and grows and grows. Until there's more negativity than positive and you truly believe the lies you've been spouting. 

There's probably a hundred different reasons why the criticism starts and what drives it forward and for each and every person it's going to be different. Maybe you can pin-point a motivator or maybe you can't, maybe your logical common sense brain says "this isn't true.... this isn't kind... I need to stop" or maybe it doesn't. Because the truth is self criticism is so easy to fall into and so so impossibly hard to escape. 

This has become my life. I am terrorized by a bully, an ever present monster, a monkey always on my shoulder reminding me constantly that I am not enough. Not pretty enough. Not smart enough. Not fun enough. Not skinny enough. Not kind enough. Not doing enough. Not good enough. Just not enough. And it hurts and the feeling that follow it are real and valid and they hurt too... but feelings are not facts. *As my therapist likes to remind me* 

And when someone calls me out on my B.S. with words like: You're beautiful and I love you. Or don't say such mean things about my friend, I love her. Or be kinder to yourself. Or a host of dozens of other comments usually followed by some type of advice on how to fix this problem I have. These words come from love and concern and compassion but feel like knives. Knives handed to my bully who stabs them in repeatedly. 

Because now I'm not kind enough to myself. And such a disappointment to those who love you. And no one wants to be around you because of this. And why don't you fix it already so you stop hurting people. And if you don't fix it you will end up alone and unloved. And all the while I shrink in the corner wanting to hid under a blanket and never show my face again. 

Even when these words come from a loving place and even when they come in kindness and the best of intentions they are still used against me. And it feels like a never ending cycle that's impossible to escape. Because the truth is you just want someone to pat you on the back and say you did a good job. You don't want someone to point out another flaw and give another piece of advice on how to fix yourself. 

You just desperately want someone to tell you that what you're doing is enough. That they see how hard getting up is but you did it! And they see how hard you're working and noticed that you showered and oh my goodness you ate vegetables today? You are a Rockstar! You incredibly sexy beast! Look at you living today. And does it sound sort of silly sure but boy would it feel good. Even if that bully whispers it's not true over and over if you keep hearing it maybe it'll show up one day when the voice says not enough. Am I saying it should only come from other certainly not. But right now when I'm in the bottom of a pit listening to someone yell down, "You know you're in the bottom of a pit right? Maybe if you tried meditation and positive affirmation you wouldn't be down there." Is, unsurprisingly, the exact opposite of helpful. So this is a PSA for anyone who has a friend, family member or acquaintance who faces struggles (does that include you? It doesn't, okay let's just say anyone who can breath BOOM now you're included): just encourage them for everything they are doing. And if you feel inspired to offer advice or call them on the B.S. maybe check with them first make sure if will be actually helpful and not hurtful. And if it's not helpful right now just hold off. When they are ready, when they have the extra energy and strength to work on it then offer your advice with a healthy dose of encouragement. Or if you are worried they aren't ever going to make it out of the pit, worried they may just choose to stay down their forever by all mean make a rope and climb down and do everything you can do get them back out or better yet just sit there. Just be there for them. Let them know that they aren't alone in this pit. 

And for those in the pit? Don't give up. I see you! I see how hard you are working to just breath in and out each day. You are amazing. You can do this! You are not alone. Do what you can right now to help yourself maybe with a therapist or meds or both or neither. Maybe it's with pet cuddles, a bath and a good book. Whatever you do I am proud of you. I know how hard it is and just getting out of bed today is incredible. You are doing so much more than you see. Don't give up and don't forget. 

perfection

Today I woke up, I wasn't feeling 100% haven't been eating as well as I know I should be. So I got up, did my makeup and my hair then I found a cute dress to wear to church. 

Then I came upstairs, walked by a mirror and suddenly an overwhelming 'blah came over me. 

I don't know how to describe it in words so I call it the great 'blah' yup. You know what I'm talking about. You don't feel good about yourself, the world or anything else. And there's not just one thing you can say upset you it's a million tiny things. You feel heavy and empty and sad. 

So I changed my cloths and took off some of my makeup. I still made it to church, despite the 'blah' I brought with me. At church I tried to listen but mostly cried (ruining all my remaining makeup haha) I read a few articles about anxiety and perfectionism. I have a problem yup, no doubt about it. My perfectionism makes me anxious and sad. 

I've always know I was a perfectionist of course, how could I not. But now I know I have a real problem. And I'm gonna work on it. I'm gonna pray about it and talk to my therapist. I'm gonna get a book about imperfection and I know I can work though this.