Fear of Intimacy?

So I think I have a problem. As many of you know my dating escapades have been less than successful throughout my life. And just the other day those same feelings reared their ugly little heads. Alright let you catch you up to speed;

His name is GS (stands for German shepherd because those are his favorite dogs, what you thought I'd be crazy enough to use his real name?) We started casually talking during the first shutdown this year. I connected with him on Mutual however that wasn't actually how we first met. See GS is in my stake so I'd seen him several times at different YSA activities. He was always very nice and fun to be around but there wasn't like insane infatuation going on, though there was some casual flirting. Anyway we started talking online and it was pretty casual just get to know you type things didn't really go anywhere. We stopped talking then jump forward a few months and randomly I decide to reach out again. We start talking this time things are different he asks if I'd want to go out sometime I quickly agree and then nothing. So I get a little forward and nudge us into our first date the date took place in September, we went on our second date in October and I asked him on a 3rd but he got sick and had to cancel this past weekend we finally cross the 3rd date line. 

On this 3rd date among other things we cuddled and before he left I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek he returned it and then I immediately felt sick to my stomach. This has happened before after moments of intimacy (cuddles, hand holding, thoughts of kissing on the lips) its a real buzz-killer. That evening he and I DTRed over messenger (for those not of the text speech generation DTR means define the relationship). We agreed to keep seeing each other and creep into bf/gf territory i.e. he said I could introduce/refer to him as my bf but he wanted to move real slow like. Okay great whatever. However the same nauseous feeling returned. This has happened before too. 

With my only other attempt at a bf after we had cuddled and such I felt like we'd crossed some lines relationship wise and might be straying bf/gf area (to be fair we, specifically he, were both a bit younger and I didn't want to make things too complex at the point). Anyways the sick feeling came and after making some pretty serious ground rules it went away. However my feelings changed.... right as we should be getting closer than ever I was doing everything I could to push him away. I didn't reply to his messages, I was critical, I wasn't open with him about my feelings, it was a mess. For so long I'd blamed those issues on the fact that during this time I was also dealing with a chronic illness diagnosis and life was pretty bleak and messy. So I'd always brushed away those mental emotional issues. 

The thing is right after GS and I DTRed I suddenly felt sick the next time he called me sweetheart and my desire to message him has lessened, that not to say I don't thin about him I do! A lot actually. But I don't want to reply right away and I don't do as much to keep conversations going. So I've decided something is wrong but what? 

Well after some googling and article reading I realized I might have a fear of intimacy (not to be confused with a fear of sex although that may very well be an issue as well and can be a part of this). I did an physc assessment to a track your FIS (fear of intimacy) levels after scoring it my score was 127 for some perspective the lowest score you can get is 35 and the highest is 175. The US average score? Between 80-90. Yup.... I think I have a problem alright. 

Thankfully I have a therapy session on Monday and this will definitely be a topic of discussion let me tell you what! Here's the thing though they talked about reasons why someone would have high levels of FIS and a lot of them came back to trauma and abuse, which I have been blessed never to truly experience. But then they talked about Soca Anxiety and fear of judgment oh... oh dang... hit that one right on the head. So what do I do? I don't know... obviously therapy haha. 

Some other things reccomend in the articles I read was practicing self compassion something I am focusing on right now and reading a book about as well. Also addressing and working with the inner critic (mine is loud and very present) and she's something I've been working on with my therapist as well. Another thought? Talking about these things with your partner, don't leave them in the dark haha yeah no thanks. Let's not dump all the crazy on GS right now. But maybe I should idk... it's so scary though!! I did feel like I should talk about it though and so I figured I'd write this and maybe it would help. It sorta did...  at least I have all these thoughts and feelings out of my head. 

Well until next time I guess... thanks for listening. Wishing you love and happiness going forward! 

P.s. here are some links to the articles I read and the assessment I took:

Self sabotaging. Fear of intimacy. FIS assesment and scoring. Overcoming fear of intimacy. 

Christmas Advent Calendar

Alright, alright before you start freaking out because Christmas has been mentioned before December 1st may I advise you to take a chill pill? Cool thanks, that'll make the remainder of this post much more enjoyable for the rest of us.

I have always loved advent calendars! I love the idea of opening a drawer or a window and finding a wonderful treat just for me. Be that treat a candy or a pair of socks or a movie or whatever it is, it is an immediate pick up for the winter time blues. A few years back,  right around the time I seriously committed to collecting Nativities, I thought it would be such a delight to have a Nativity advent calendar. After much searching I found the one it was for every day during the month of December and it was a precious moments nativity. Oh, be still my beating heart!! *imagine intense anime heart eyes* However due to the cost of the nativity we didn't purchase it, until now!! Yes, that's right my Mother finally splurged, it helps that there's finally a grandchild in the picture who could benefit from it in the future. The precious is finally mine! 

Now the set is adorable and on its own it's pretty perfect but I got this idea in my head that we could increase the overall awesomeness by adding to the advent experience. I decided that for each day and each figure I would connect it to a scripture, article, video, song, etc. To teach a deeper lesson and give greater meaning to the Christmas season and the Nativity at the center of it. At first I hoped I could find something online and "borrow" *cough, cough* copy *cough* their ideas. But it was not to be, after some quick searches I couldn't find exactly what I was looking for and, much like a frosting color when you can't find the exact match you're looking for you, gotta make it yourself! 

So in the beginning of November my adventure started. I can tell you what I was expecting: I was expecting to feel the spirit and find something here or there that I hadn't already mentally chosen. I was expecting to take a week or so tops and then be done. And to be completely honest I was mostly expecting it to be a rather tedious addition to my morning scripture study. My expectations have been completely blown out of the water!! I'm not entirely sure how to express in words just how revelatory and spiritually filling this experience has been. 

I have looked at each item in the nativity calendar to use as a guide but as you'd imagine there really weren't 24 different characters to be found in the scriptural accounts of Christ's birth. So to fill the empty spaces there are a few added figures, as in 5 different sheep, 3 camels, a cow, 2 bays of hay among others. I mean where am I supposed to go scripturally with a hay bale?!? I felt a little overwhelmed but thankfully the first few figures were pretty expected (Mary and Joseph) and incredibly moving to find a different item(s) of media to connect to them. So I figured I could find a way to make a hay bale and a cow spiritual. And believe it or not I actually did! It took some pondering, thinking about what exactly as artist might be trying to symbolize in these different figures and what aspects of the nativity story I felt needed to be touched on. What followed was revelation, there's no other word for it. I have felt so blessed to have Heavenly Fathers help as I've made this journey. It is a powerful reminder to me that if we ask in faith and through prayer, He'll help us. When people say, "It matters to Him because it matters to you" I can honestly say I know that to be true. I would encourage you to find something, maybe it's not a Nativity themed advent calendar, to study and deeply ponder about and you'll be amazed to see revelation flow from heaven straight to you. 

Now that I've built this up to heights I'm sure it'll hardly reach let's go though the Nativity Advent: 

Dec.1st: Mary 

Read; Mary, the mother of Jesus from the January 2019 Ensign. 

Listen to; Pentatonix's version of Mary did you know? found on YouTube. 

At first I wasn't going to add any thoughts to this prompt. However, I feel impressed to do otherwise. Mary is one of few women named in the scriptures and although her story is certainly not the focus nor should we worship her I believe there is much we can learn from her humble willingness to accept God's will for her life. Something I believe she taught to her Son that led him to say, "Thy will not mine be done." So much of who we are comes from our mothers and I hope and pray that one day I will have the opportunity to be a mother like Mary. 

Dec. 2nd: Joseph 

Watch; The first Christmas spirit a video focusing on Joseph's feelings and impressions during the childhood of Jesus created by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. There is something beautiful about Joseph being trusted as the foster father of the Son of God. We don't know much of him, or how his story ends. But I believe the most important truth we learn from Joseph is to seek to be spiritually in tune with the Lord and follow any directions he sends us; as Joseph did when he followed his revelatory dreams 3 different times in the scriptures. 

Dec. 3rd: Donkey (Trip to Bethlehem)

Read; The road to Bethlehem from December 1995 Ensign. In my desire to make this as easily accessible as possible and also as doctrinaly accurate I had to remove the focus from a sweet donkey that carried Mary to Bethlehem and instead focus on the journey Mary and Joseph simply took to fulfill prophecy that Jesus Christ would be born in Bethlehem. However! If you are looking for a sweet more donkey focused story I'd reccomend Small One by Alex Walsh (apparently there is also a short 30min animation that depicts this story as well, which you can actually find on disney+). 

Dec. 4th: Hay Bale (The Inn/Innkeeper)

Read; Trouble at the Inn a short story originally published in readers digest. There's debate about whether or not this is a true story but regardless the message is beautiful. 

Listen to; Let Him In from the Forgotten Carols by Michael McLean. It tells the fictional story of an innkeepers response following his experience with the Christ child. Now this may seem like quite the 180° after I just said that I didn't focus on the donkey because it wasn't necessarily doctrinaly accurate and there's not a lot of doctrinal backup for a "mean innkeeper" who turns away Mary and Joseph. However we do know that Bethlehem was crowed and room was limited, leading Mary and Joseph to find more creative lodgings. However I wanted to keep the idea of the Innkeeper because it allows us to ponder and decide if we are going to let Christ in or if we've decided there just isn't room? 

Dec. 5th Hay Bale (The Manger/Swaddling cloths)

Read; Tasting the Bread of Life another Ensign article this one from December 1998. 

Watch; Why was Jesus swaddled and laid in a manger?. 

I think the most beautiful part of this idea of swaddling is simply the knowledge that from the day He was born, He was loved. I truly believe that so much of our ability to love others comes from the love we feel. So send out some love today and see how it comes back to you.  

Dec. 6th: Cow (The "stable")

Read; In a stable from the 1992 December  New Era. This is actually a song however I couldn't find a video or any sort of music for it so I would simply reccomend you read it as a poem. Or if you are musically inclined you can find the sheet music for it on churchofjesuschrist.org

Read; Christmas is Christ-like love from a 2014 Christmas devotional. Now just to clarify there is some debate doctrinally and among scholar's about where exactly Christ was born, a stable that Mary and Joseph found along their way, a cave like area were they were led or possibly a courtyard type area that would've belonged to one of their families in Bethlehem. So although the "stable" is the prompt for this day it's not really what I think should be focused on. Rather focus on the truth that He was born and although He was the king of kings his start and his life were humble and certainly not that of a king. In this way I believe he is more approachable, He can truly understand and comfort us. 

Dec. 7th: Angel

Read; The littlest Angel by Charles Tazewell. This beautiful children's story tells the tale of a small child who becomes as angel and his role in the announcement of Jesus' birth. You can find the book here through Amazon. It's also been made into a short and sweet cartoon movie. Now if you can't afford to buy the book or if you just don't want to don't worry! You can also listen to it being read right here on youtube! 

Watch; Glad tidings of Great Joy: the Birth of Jesus Christ 

Dec. 8th: Angel 

Listen to: This beautiful song performed by a multitude of incredibly talented YouTube creators from the Piano Guys to Peter Hollens and David Archuleta. It's beautiful and gives me goosebumps everyone. 

Read: A season for Angels by Elder Bateman from the December 2007 Ensign. 

Dec. 9th: Sheep 

Read; Luke 2:8-20 OR Watch; Shepherds learn of the birth of Christ if you don't have access to a Bible you can get an online version here.  

Dec. 10th: Shepherd with Sheep beside him

Read; Shepherds a poem by Teresa Bateman from the December 1979 New Era. 

Read; In Shepherds' field an article from the December 2008 Ensign. Meet our first shepherd! We have two others on the way. I wanted each Shepherd to connect to us, the audience, after all are we not at times both sheep and shepherds? So this article is an individuals experience of being in the Holy land at the shepherds field. 

Dec. 11th: Sheep

Read; A little lamb, a boy, a Christmas story 

Read or Act out; The shepherds find love an "imaginative story" from a December 1974 Ensign. With both of these stories there is quite a bit of creative licensing taking place. However I felt that this would connect with any children participating in the adventure. After all, I find the shepherds example of dropping everything to go find Jesus at the invite of the Angels rather child-like in obedience, don't you? 

Dec. 12th: Kneeling Shepherd 

Listen to: Where Shepherds lately Knelt. This is easily one of the most beautiful Christmas songs I've found. I love the message conveyed of a shepherds humble experience being trusted with the knowledge of Jesus Chirst. My favorite lyric? "Can I, will I forget how Love was born, and burned Its way into my heart unasked, unforced, unearned" 

Dec. 13th: Sheep

Listen to: Royal Choral Society: Hallelujah chorus in isolation. This remarkable performance of Handel's Hallelujah chorus brought to me thoughts and feeling of angels filling the heavens to rejoice in the birth of our Savior. And although this Christmas may look quite different we can still rejoice heart and soul at the birth of our Savior. 

Read; A modern angelic host from the 2019 Christmas devotional. 

Dec. 14th: Shepherd 

Read; A Savior is Born from the 2015 December Ensign. This talk focuses on what the shepherds did after seeing and knowing Jesus. They go out and testify fearlessly to everyone the truths they have learned for themselves. 

Listen to; He was here or as I refer to it, The Shepherds song from the Forgotten carols. Again we see shepherds going out and sharing what they know, only this time the focus is in those who are choosing to believe on their words. Hopefully and more than likely in our lives we will be both a Shepherd and a trusting believer. Where are you now? Where do you want to be? 

Dec. 15th: Sheep

Read; Make us thy true undershepherd this is an article from Church News. She points out some of the symbolism of Christ's birth. Of the shepherds who first saw Him and of who He is as our Good Shepherd. 

Dec. 16th: Sheep

Read; Walking with the Shepherds. 

Read; Mosiah 18:8-10. If you don't have a copy of the Book of Mormon you can get a copy here. If you've never heard of the Book of Mormon you can ask these incredible people. You know, it's hard to believe that for over a week now we have focused on the sheep and shepherds who bore witness to the birth of Christ. This article is the perfect way to sum it all up. We have been given the invitation, the command really (especially if we've been baptized) to be a witness of Jesus Christ. There is no better time to deepen our commitment to witness of Him than during this Christmas season. 

Dec. 17th: Star

Read; Helaman 14:2-5 from the Book of Mormon, use the reccomend link from earlier to get the online Book of Mormon if needed. 

Watch; Light the World video

Read; The Christmas Candle by Richard Paul Evans. This is a meaningful lesson about having eyes to see others as they truly are, children of God and part of our family all wrapped up in the guise of a children story. It's one of my favorites and you can buy it here I promise it'll be worth it! However if money is tight this year and buying this new book won't work for you, you can instead listen to it being read right now. 

Dec. 18th: Wisemen 

Watch; The Wise men seek Jesus Bible video 

Read; Gold, frankincense and myrrh from the December 2016 New Era. The video tells the biblical account of the wise men and more or less covers everything we know. The article dives a little deeper and explains some of the symbolism and meaning behind the actions and gifts of the wise men. 

Dec. 19th: Camel

Listen to; the Forgotten Carols three kings song. It's a beautiful reminder that Jesus was found and if we seek for him, we will find him again. 

Read; Gold, Circumstance and Mud a story by Rex Knowles. In lieu of a link to lead you to this story I have simply copied it (with sources) right here. 

"It was the week before Christmas, I was baby-sitting with our four older children while my wife took the baby for his check-up. (Baby-sitting to me means reading the paper while the kids mess up the house.)

Only that day I wasn’t reading. I was fuming. On every page of the paper, as I flicked angrily through them, gifts glittered and reindeer pranced, and I was told that there were only six more days in which to rush out and buy what I couldn’t afford and nobody needed. What, I asked myself indignantly, did the glitter and the rush have to do with the birth of Christ?

There was a knock on the door of the study where I had barricaded myself. Then Nancy’s voice, “Daddy, we have a play to put on. Do you want to see it?”

I didn’t. But I had fatherly responsibilities so I followed her into the living room. Right away I knew it was a Christmas play for at the foot of the piano stool was a lighted flashlight wrapped in swaddling clothes lying in a shoe box.

Rex (age 6) came in wearing my bathrobe and carrying a mop handle. He sat on the stool, looked at the flashlight. Nancy (10) draped a sheet over her head, stood behind Rex and began, “I’m Mary and this boy is Joseph. Usually in this play Joseph stands up and Mary sits down. But Mary sitting down is taller than Joseph standing up so we thought it looked better this way.”

Enter Trudy (4) at a full run. She never has learned to walk. There were pillowcases over her arms. She spread them wide and said only, “I’m an angel.”

Then came Anne (8). I knew right away she represented a wise man. In the first place she moved like she was riding a camel (she had on her mother’s high heels). And she was bedecked with all the jewelry available. On a pillow she carried three items, undoubtedly gold, frankincense, and myrrh.

She undulated across the room, bowed to the flashlight, to Mary, to Joseph, to the angel, and to me and then announced, “I’m all three wise men. I bring precious gifts: gold, circumstance, and mud.”

That was all. The play was over. I didn’t laugh. I prayed. How near the truth Anne was! We come at Christmas burdened down with gold—with the showy gift and the tinsely tree. Under the circumstances we can do no other, circumstances of our time and place and custom. And it seems a bit like mud when we think of it.

But I looked at the shining faces of my children, as their audience of one applauded them, and remembered that a Child showed us how these things can be transformed. I remembered that this Child came into a material world and in so doing eternally blessed the material. He accepted the circumstances, imperfect and frustrating, into which He was born, and thereby infused them with the divine. And as for mud—to you and me it may be something to sweep off the rug, but to all children it is something to build with.

Children see so surely through the tinsel and the habit and the earthly, to the love which, in them all, strains for expression." [The Guideposts Christmas Treasury (Carmel, NY: Guideposts Associates, 1972), pp. 197–98]

Dec. 20th: Wisemen

Read; the definition of Magi in the Bible Dictionary. This is a resource found in the scriptures printed by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. You can also find it online like in this instance. 

Read; the story of the fourth wise man. This is a fictional story written by Henry Van Dyke. Now the truth of the matter is we do not know how many wise men there were. More than one thats for certain. However I love this short story that helps us look at the gifts we give to him. Slight spoiler the story does end with the passing of the fourth wise man, it's a little strange, and might be hard for any young readers to grasp, but push through overall the story it beautiful and very poignant. 

Dec. 21st: Camel

Watch; What can I give Him? This is a beautiful poem. Everytime I listen to this I get chills! I stumbled upon it by chance and it's a beautiful way to ponder and search my own soul during christmas time. 

Read; The Search for Jesus by President Monson from a December 1990 Ensign. 

Dec. 22nd: Wisemen 

Watch; Wise men still seek him video. 

Read; The little Wise men from the December 1985 Friend. This is the most precious story about being a modern day wise man by showing love to those around you. I think the best part is the children didn't go out seeking to be "wise men" however when we seek to follow Jesus that's just who we become. 

Dec. 23rd: Camel

Watch; What shall we give? A music Christmas video. 

Read; A Christmas with No Present by President Faust from the December 2001 Ensign. I will end the story of the wisemen with this final thought: what will you give Him this Christmas?

Dec. 24th: Baby Jesus 

Read; The Living Christ. 

Watch; The Chirst Child: a Nativity Story

I can't believe this is over. This has been an incredible journey. My love for my Savior has grown as I've done this advent. And I deeply hope yours has too. I know the Christmas season can get busy, can seem over commercial and it can be hard to remember what it's all really about. And I know for so many of us this Christmas is unlike any other, some of us are lonely and away from our families others of us may be anxious or mourning. But through it all the magic of Christmas is in knowing what it's all really about. It's about a baby who came down and loved us, who lived to show us the way and who died that we could have Hope. So have hope this Christmas and always because of Him. 

Merry Christmas to all! 

Let's bake a cake

So I'm a cake decorator. Have I mentioned this before? I honestly can't remember haha. But yeah, I have this little business

(my side hustle as I like to refer to it) where I bake for people. I've done weddings, baby showers, many birthday honestly you name it I've probably baked for it. And as for what I bake? Well think tasty desserts and breads and anything that is going to cause you to let out that waistband just a bit more. Haha. 

But specifically for this post I want to talk about cake! Did you know that I design my cakes on paper before I make them? Yup ots a thing. Sometime the designs are hyper specific

and sometimes they're more vague. But it always helps me to figure out what I need to do if I start out on paper. 

My latest adventure was just that an adventure from start to finish. It all started with a request for a birthday cake from a very loyal customer and close friend. A dragon themed birthday cake. Oh boy oh boy! After a few days of searching on Google, drawing and dreaming I'd decided on my design 

 (see sometimes it's pretty vague). Once I'd gotten an A-OK from the client it was time to start creating the different elements, specifically the wings and the tail. 

First the wings:

I started by following a printed wing design with wire and then covering it with floral tape. It was tedious, it was annoying, in the end it was worth it. Then after some deliberating between whether I should use gumpaste, fondant or modeling chocolate I decided to go with modeling chocolate. Basically a playdough, no more clay, like mixture of melted white chocolate, corn syrup and a little corn starch. (Hey I never said my baking was healthy) I rolled it out thin as I could and covered the wire outline,

Yeah, like that. After a few tries I'd figured out all the tricks. First leave a bit of a edge when you trim it. You can use that to create the slight lip that goes around the wing. Think larger along the top and thin on the bottom. Then roll some little snakes and place them like the... veins? In a dragon wing add some claws and ta-da! 

Dragon wing! Now do the same thing for the other one, but remember it needs to be an opposite wing if you're not careful you'll end up having to do a redo after realizing you've made to left handed wings. Oops! 

Now for the tail! 

Start by making a big o'l snake. Think large to small (that's usually how tails work). After you have a shape you like decide how it's going to lay around the base of your cake. For this I used my 8" cake pan and just designed it for that. 

Then add a little strip down the middle, like a rib or something. Idk how exactly to describe it. Then after a few different attempts and failures I found a method that worked for me to get the little spikes. Simply use a clean pair of scissors to cut little triangles along the top. As you go down the tail towards the end make the triangles smaller. 

There you go! Now we simply wait. Let them kinda dry out. And pro tip (learned this the hard way) go straight to airbrushing so you have time for them to dry again. 

Airbrush time!! 

First mix the color. I used a custom color combination. Part purple, part metallic silver and part pearlescent. 

I actually started with the wings and (this is important) on the back side! This way when you flip 'em over they'll still look great. 

Then I added a little accent colors (black and silver) on the tail I colored the spikes black and the edges silver. On the wings I colored the "veins" and claws black with a slight silver tip. Then let it all dry!! 

Now for the cake assembly! 

First layer the cake layers with whatever filling in between. Do a solid crumb coat and refigerate. Step two cover in frosting purple was the color choice! Then pop her in the freezer. We need this frosting super cold! 

Next add the wings! This was tricky. They ere heavy and kinda awkward. But if you place them in at an angle it worked out. Then add skewers behind the large parts of the wing in the cake to support them. Next add the ti to the base of the cake. I used some extra frosting to "glue" it in place. 

Then add some "scales" take a large straw and remove the top edge. So it's a slight "U" shape. Begin adding scale sections, I didn't want to cover the whole cake so I just did random areas. Pipe on the nose and eyes.

And ta-da! You have a glorious dragon cake to make the dreams come true for every dragon lover in your life! 

Tips for a Successful I.V. treatment

When I was first diagnosed with UC my doctor reccomened the standard pill treatment. I took 3 to 4 horse pills everyday while also taking prednisone to try and get things under control. However as we ended the prednisone treatment the UC symptoms increased again. Obviously we could've kept me on prednisone but for the safety of my family and the world as a whole we decided instead to change medications all together. I started an I.V. medication Remicade and I've been on it since. 

You may have some questions about all this so let me briefly explain how things work. I schedule my I.V. appointment through my Drs office and on the scheduled day I arrive at my local hospital. After checking in and getting my wrist band I go to outpatient short stay. They get me checked in and in a room. A standard room has a little reliner for me to sit in as well as a few chairs for others and all the equipment needed by the nurses to perform my procedure. Then they check my weight (the medications quantity is based off of weight and they mix it up in the hospital pharmacy) and do my vitals. Then the nurse gives me my pre-meds (Tylenol and benadryl) to help with any side-effects from the medication. And they get an I.V. in my hand. Once the medication arrive they hook everything up and I hang out for a few hours while the bag of meds empty. Once that's done they remove the I.V. and send me home. Ta-da! Now that you know the jist of the experience you can better appreciate my 10 tips for an I.V. treatment. 

1. Dress comfy! (And warm) Sounds weird but honestly go in PJs, bring the slippers, and above all don't choose fancy outfits that require lots of clasping and stuff! You are having huge amounts of fluids pumped directly into your blood stream you'll be using the bathroom a lot. Also ask for those warm blankets! They are a godsend and sooooo nice. 

2. Just like with an airplane, download your media entertainment before hand. You will want to watch a movie or read a book or listen to music. However in my experience hospital free WiFi isn't the greatest so download ahead of time to save your data and have better streaming in the moment. 

3. Bring a friend. Before Covid-19 I always asked a friend or family member to drive me. I usually feel pretty sleepy afterwards and it gives me someone to talk to. That's not to say you can't go by yourself and be just fine but it's nice to not be alone. 

4. Be an advocate for yourself!! I cannot stress this enough! If you know which hand you like the I.V. in tell them nurses! If you want apple juice to drink instead of water ask for it. Don't be a "Karen" or anything but speak up for yourself and take care of yourself. Your future self will be grateful for your courage. 

5. Use lidocaine! Lidocaine is the numbing medication that they can put in your hand before the I.V. to help with any pain or discomfort. USE IT!! You will be more comfortable and less anxious if you know its not gonna hurt. And when necessary be a self advocate and ask for it from your nursing staff. 

6. Be okay with napping. Benadryl makes me sleepy but even if it didn't you get bored sitting in a little room. Let yourself rest I.V.s aren't easy and your body needs you to take care of yourself. Don't come into your I.V. with a huge to-do list (unless you can be forgiving if you don't get it done) just allow yourself the time to relax and rest. 

7. Get to know the staff. You will have I.Vs anywhere from every 6 weeks to every 8. Get to know these people, try to remember them and their lives. It makes the experience nicer to feel like you're going to visit some friends instead of being sick at a hospital. 

8. Go easy on yourself after the I.V. don't make plans for that evening. Don't over use your hands and don't be surprised if it takes a few days for you to feel 100% again. Be patient with yourself! 

9. Expect it to not go well sometimes. Sometimes the I.V. isn't gonna go in well. Sometimes the medications will take longer to get from the pharmacy. Sometimes it's gonna hurt more than others. Sometimes you'll get giant bruises. This is all OKAY!!! For every time it doesn't go well there will be 3 times it does. Also be patient as the staff and you get used to things it's gonna take a few visits to find your rhythm. 

10. Find something to be grateful for. Sounds silly and sorta unrelated, but if you can find something to be grateful for you will find joy. There is some much you have been given and remembering that will keep you kind and happy. Life is hard, this might be hard too. But don't give up! 

What did I learn?

Story time; my brother and I decided what we wanted more than anything for dinner was eggs rolls! Yum!! We know a great local place and they make the best egg rolls, I'm literally drooling just thinking about it. However I, in my infinite wisdom, decided we could not just eat egg rolls and therefore would run to the store and buy some noodles to go with them. As we were leaving the store it was raining, no problem there I love a little rain. I hurried to the car and after getting in the door I realized to my ultimate horror that I had lost my actual key, my key to start the car, the car that would allow us to leave the store. I immediately tried to think back to where and when I had my keys, certain I'd had them before checking out I ran back inside to retrace my steps. I was becoming more panicked as I hurried through isles and looked along the floor and under edges of shelves. No dice, nothing to be found. I began to pray, something to the affect of Heavenly Father I really, really actually need help. I don't have any other solution, there isn't an easy answer or different solution. I need my keys to get home, to work, to use my car. I need help now more than before. As I was heading back outside feeling fear and doubt I looked to the ground (still anxiously searching for my keys) and saw a penny, now for those who know that's a bit of a big deal for me. Then I walked further and there was another penny and another. Those pennys led me right out the door with the ultimate usurance that God had heard my prayer, He was answering me and I knew without doubt that I was loved and not alone. After walking out the door I immediately saw my brother who was called out to me, he had found my key.  

This experience has been pressing on my heart and my thoughts and here is what I think I needed to learn or relearn from this: 

1. God doesn't often answer my prayers how I would expect or exactly as I asked. If my prayer had been answered as I expected I would've finished praying and then looking on the ground I would've seen my key directly in front of me and all would be well. I would've left and forgotten the whole experience.

2. God does answer prayers! Mine and yours! I was reminded that God does answer me; sometimes quickly (in moments of desperate need) but other times slowly or seemingly not at all. In those moments I often feel that He's simply shut the door and I'm on my own. In my head I know that's wrong but in my heart its just how I feel. This was an important reminder that not only am I heard I'm answered. 

3. The most important answer that we can receive from Him is a reminder of His love. That's what those penny's were. It was a quite moment were I knew God has seen me, and He love me. Flaws and all. I'm grateful to know that. 

So that's what I learned, hopefully you've learned something too.

Anxiety what now?

Anxiety has been a part of my life probably since childhood I just wasn't as aware of it as I am now. After yesterday's blog post and experience I've decided to break down some common experiences for those with anxiety. And xplain what on earth I'm talking about when I say anxeity spiral. 

What is a panic attack? In a panic attack your mind literally goes into fight or flight mode, you fear for your life and any sense of rationality is gone. Often it affects your breathing and there are other physical symptoms specific to each individual. The biggest thing that sets a panic attack apart from an anxiety attack is there isn't a known stressor causing it. You might be out for ice cream with friends when you have one, or you might be just about to go to bed. Whereas with an anxiety attack you can usually find the cause after some looking. I don't think I've ever had a true panic attack. I have seen a dear friend have one though. And the experience is something I'll never forget. The pain she was feeling, the deep powerful emotions. It was a moment where I felt so powerless to help. It was killing me. She was and still is an incredible woman and I admire her so much. 

An anxiety attack can be similar in symptoms to a panic attack. However it is less severe. It also has a clear cause, some sort or form of stressor that when you have a clear head and can examine the situation you can find. Another difference is that with a panic attack they are usually quite sudden and out of the blue whereas an anxiety attack usually builds in intensity over a period of time. An anxiety attack can hit its peak at any time, like a panic attack. Usually once the stressor is dealt with the anxiety attack is lessened or leaves all together. With panic attacks they tend to just stick with the person throughout their life. 

An anxiety spiral, as I refer to it, is when my anxiety spikes quite suddenly in response to a stress in my life. It usually includes some distorted thinking, some physical responses (crying, heart racing, etc), and a very very loud inner critic having a go at me. They come and go depending on triggers, sometimes (like with yesterday) it's a very obvious mistake or change in my life. Other times it could just be discussing future events or attempting to plan and figure out lives next step. I usually can snap out of them pretty quickly and can address whatever emotions and thoughts were brought up and move right on along. Sometimes (like yesterday) it's harder to break the pattern and get back on track. Sometimes when they are really bad they leave me drained and feeling blah for the rest of the day (like yesterday's).

Even though an anxiety spiral isn't a real term or something another person might use it helps me to refer to it that way. Why? Well it helps me disassociate with my anxiety to recognize it was a moment in my day and I can move past it. It also helps me explain it to another person (usually family) that I wasn't rational or thinking because my anxiety brain had taken hold. 

Anxiety is different for everyone. We experience it differently. We understand it differently. Our symptoms, triggers and overall responses are vastly different. This illness is completely unique to each individual who struggles with it. So it's important to ask respectful and kind questions when you don't understand someone. It's important to be open and honest with those you love about your experience so that they can understand. If I've learned anything it's that going alone to face this dragon isn't easy and it's okay to ask for help. 

Better or worse?

Tonight while walking the dog my brother made a passing comment that my mental illness was worse because I'd admitted to it, "Denial," he said, "is the key to success." Is he right? Are my issues worse because I have admitted my defeat and sought help? If that's the case why admit to the problem? 

Why would alcoholics anonymous have one of their first steps be "admit you have a problem"? 

I wonder if perhaps we're wrong in thinking the problem is made worse by admitting there is a problem to begin with. Perhaps our open eyes simply see the problem, maybe for the first time we really see that yup this is in fact a problem. Who knew? 

I do think my anxiety has been more apparent since I've started therapy but that's because I'm more aware of it. For example:

Today I realized I'd been working an extra half hour in my new job. Oops! Not a huge deal, it's only been for a few weeks and only 2 days a week at that. Certainly not the end of the world, no reason to crumble or destroy ourselves. However I quickly succumbed to an anxiety spiral that was pretty severe. I cried, I screamed, I was angry with myself. Convinced of my own stupidity, my failures, I was a horrible employee, I could do nothing right and it was definitely the end of the world as we know it. 

Would I have responded that way regardless of if I am in therapy. Yes ma'am I would've. So what's the difference? Well this time I realized even as I was spiraling that that's exactly what I was doing. I knew, even as I struggled to challenge them, that my thoughts were very distorted. I knew that my inner critic was running rampant but it was wrong. I am not a failure because I failed. I am a good person, good employee and yeah, I'm human, so what? Before I started therapy I would've simple accepted defeat because I had no reason to see any problem with how I was treating myself. I wouldn't have questioned it and certainly wouldn't have challenged it. 

That's the point of admitting to your problems. You can see them with both eyes open and act when they show their little faces. Just like a diabetic can't deny their way out of high bloodsugar without some insulin. You can just deny yourself into a healthy mental state, a lack of anxiety or freedom from depression. Sure you can push it to the side to get through the next shift at work or feeding your family dinner but that doesn't solve the problem. The only way to overcome it, to heal your heart and mind is to get help. 

Now I do understand not everyone who has mental illness seeks therapy. For some medications or exercise or whatnot is all the treatment they need. But for those who seek it therapy can be a wonderful way to work through some of your problems and get the help we all need to manage life. So yes I'm in therapy, I admit I have a problem with anxiety. But I'm not defeated. Right now I am okay and everyday I'm a little bit better. That's all I can ask of myself and that's all you should expect from yourself or others. Tomorrow is a new day and there will be good in it if you look for it. 

Pumpkins

Let's talk about crafting and pumpkins, basically the two best parts of fall! 😍 Sometimes you just need to go to a craft store and make something. Today's project was a cute Plaid Pumpkins!! 

Step 1: Gather supplies 

These were the types of craft pumpkins I was able to find. Pretty cheap and a good overall shape. I think having a pumpkin with pretty defined pumpkin shape is important for this project since you will be covering it with plenty of fabric! 

Other supplies you'll need? 

I used fabric glue as well as a hot glue gun. Then find a fabric of your choice. I went with this cute fall plaid from JoAnns. My sister helped pick it out and honestly it was the first fabric I saw. #score. I only bought a yard but was able to do 2 large pumpkins and 3 small ones with still a little extra fabric. Finally you'll need something to cover the stems, I chose to use some dark brown twine. Also found at a craft store and as you can see there is plenty of extra. I also had some fall leaves in my house from other decorations that I added to the mix to prevent the pumpkins looking too much like I pin cushions. Haha. 

Step 2: Getting started 

Thankfully these are pretty easy. First you want to cut the fabric into a square large enough for each side to be able to reach the center stem of the pumpkin, this allows for full coverage. I also found later that cutting of the point of the corners left you with less extra fabric needing to be trimmed off the stem at the end. 

To glue the fabric on the pumpkin I simply followed the ridges on the pumpkins to place the fabric glue and then pressed the fabric onto it. Adding extra glue as needed to get the shape and coverage you want. Continue all the way around the pumpkin. 

Step 3: The stem

Doing the stem is probably the trickiest part. I used the hot glue gun at this point. And started at the base and slowly wrapped the twine around the stem shape. I didn't get a good picture of this step. My advice would he to go slowly and don't worry if it ends up lumpy or weird you can always go back through and recover areas. For the top I simply added pleantly of glue and then spiraled the twine until the tips were completely covered. 

Step 4: Decorate 

This is where the creative juices can really flow! Feel free to add any cute fixin's to make this pumpkin uniquely your own. For example 

I took some twine and wrapped it around a disposable staw and covered it with the fabric glue allowed it to try and when removed from the paper (pro tip don't use a straw covered in paper 😉)  they stayed all cute and curly a perfect addition to my largest pumpkin. 

For the smaller pumpkins I used only one leaf and found that I could simply glue the twine down in curly forms and it looked just as cute but didn't take as long. At this point I also added the leaves after my brother said they looked like pincushions. 

Step 5: Puke fall cuteness over your entire home

Okay maybe don't puke.... and maybe thats a weird way to say decorate your home with all the cutest fall pumpkins but I'd already had a step say "Decorate" so I couldn't do a repeat. Anyways, at this point I would giving the pumpkins a little time to dry would be good (mine didn't take long and I wasn't worried but if you have nice surfaces you wouldn't want damaged I'd let them fully dry before placing them). Then go nuts! Pumpkins everywhere!!! Make your home the fall kingdom you desire. 

As you can see with my newest additions I am getting quite a little collection of pumpkins. Yay! 😊 

No go forth friends. Create the life you love! Or at least a pumpkin to make you smile. 

Think before you speak

2020 has been the year of social media activism. Literally. From BLM to anything mask related and now the most recent obsession has been Child Trafficing. 

Any form of sex trafficing is absolutely horrific. Porn, strippers/strip clubs, play boy, even the NFL anything that feeds into the sexual industry is shameful. And I would encourage you to take a moment and really think about what you are supporting by your choices. There is no excuse for rape or EVER laying hands on a child in a sexual manor. I have very little forgiveness for individuals who have behaved in such a manor. 

That being said, the big push on social media is that any sexual preditor should be: "shot" "put down like a bad dog" "tossed into wood chippers" Now again, do I feel like pedophiles should have to register, and should be held accountable to the fullest extent of the law for their crimes YES I DO. But I do not believe we should so flippantly discuss ending another human beings life. No matter their crimes. 

Please remember in you're rush of self righteousness that these are human beings. Many of whom have been sexually or physically abused, many have mental disorders and illnesses going untreated. Does that in anyway excuse their actions? Heck no! But before you discuss ending their life think about of you would want to be the one to pull the trigger? Would you like to look in the eye the parents or grandparents of this person (not pedophile PERSON human being) and say that they don't deserve to live and you are going to take their life? 

Should a pedophile be put to death? I don't know. I'm honestly not sure how I feel on the death sentence. Why should I or those in my race, political view or anything else determin who should live or die? I'm not sure I want that responsibility. My point is simply don't be flippantly deeming another person's life unworthy of living. Think before you speak and be educated before you decide on these matters. AND if you're opinions or views change and grow that's good. That means you are changing and growing and therefore still a human. 

If you're looking for more information about the death penalty and other issues in our society I recommend you read Just Mercy. Its an excellent book, it really makes you think. And it takes these issues and makes them real in ways I couldn't imagine. Above all please choose to be kind. 

Addressing the Elephant

Most people would agree there is an elephant in every room. We all have an elephant, it's different for everyone. Let's be honest it'll probably change a few times throughout your life. Today, in this post, I will be addressing mine. 

I feel like I have been defeated by a dragon admitting this... and I know I shouldn't but I do. I have succumbed to my anxiety... I have started therapy and I'm on medication. It's pretty insane and I am almost ashamed by it... okay ashamed isn't the right word... I'm embarrassed or I don't know what the word is. But I do know that I feel weird about this whole situation. 

About a month ago I finally came to the realization that I wasn't okay. That the thoughts I have been having aren't okay, aren't "normal" and are something that can be changed. I realized that I didn't have to feel the way I've been feeling. It was a hard realization to come to, it truly did (still sort of does) feel like failure.  

The realization came slowly. My feelings of failure and inability to move forward in life increased. And yet my health was better than ever, arguably the best it's been in a very long time. But despite that I felt incapable of moving forward, progressing and the idea of it caused a lot of worry. Then something else started to change, I started to really hate myself. I'm not talking about the general self esteem issues I've had most of my life. I'm not talking about a bad hair day or a fat day or anything. I mean I literally found myself so annoying and I just wanted to claw my skin off. The final straw was when I became so overwhelmed not only with my situation but the situation in the world at a whole. The violence, racism, a literal plague, hate and anger, see trafficking, injustice, selfishness and overall suffering that I began feeling like life truly was hopeless... like I would be better off not living at all. 

No let me preference this by saying that I never harmed myself physically nor did I ever feel a desire to do so. I never felt the desire to take my life or anything of that sort. For that I am much more than grateful. I cannot imagine the terror of loosing that side of myself. And I'll be honest I have felt that since my cousins suicide I have a responsibility to my mental health and well being and to protect my family from more heartache caused by mental illness. 

Having a discussion with my Mom about how I'm doing was very humbling. There were many tears... and we decided to get me some help. It wasn't easy it hasn't been easy. But I have found a therapist and I've gotten medication. It's been a new journey one I never really planned on taking. But I am learning to take things a day at a time and to have hope that healing is possible.   

I haven't told a lot of people in fact I haven't even told all my siblings. I don't really feel comfortable discussing this for a number of reasons: I sort of feel like I maxed out my problems docket for, well my entire life, an adding this is just once again me seeking attention and once again having more issues to burden people with. I also feel like this wasn't supposed to be my struggle. I have two incredible siblings who have struggled with their mental health much of their lives and this has in many ways felt like it was their battle. Now I feel like I am hurting them by taking this away from them? Doesn't makes sense and I get that but it feel very valid. And finally I feel so little value in myself and about myself that I don't feel like talking to people. It's much easier, rather lonely though, to fake the smile and ignore it. 

I have a feeling that this will be a long road. I know that healing is possible... or at least a betterment of my situation. I am grateful that there is a way to get help, and I'm willing to do my part (the best I can) to make things better. 

Love Letter to a Stranger

Dear Hot Neighbour,

In the desperate attempt to find you I send out this post. Like smoke signals into the sky from the midst of a forest. Will it ever reach you? Probably (and hopefully) not cause that would be embarrassing... Hahaha 😅 

I've seen you exactly 4 times. The first you were mowing the lawn *swoon* I accidentally drove by twice, it wasn't because I was creeping (I'm serious I forgot something at home and had to go back) but I did enjoy the second look. The next time I saw you I was biking with my Mom. You walked past and we smiled and waved at each other and the customary "Hi" was mumbled. The final time I saw you, I walked by (again with my Mom) you were talking to some neighbours and loving on their puppy. This time we made eye contact, I broke it first I was embarrassed.... but I felt like I was walking on air knowing you'd noticed me. 

I haven't seen you since, but it's been warm so most people having been hiding indoors. I mean, maybe you went back to wherever you came from. I'm kinda hoping there's a chance we'll run into one another again. Afterall we live on the same block so it's possible. But what would it matter if we did, if all I do is watch you from afar? 

Here's my promise mystery hot neighbour, if you show up in my life again. If we're passing by and I see you, If you're outside as I walk by... I'll say something to you. More than the mumbled "Hi" I'll introduce myself maybe try to make a joke. I can promise it'll be awkward. I can promise I'll be embarrassed. But I'll do it! Because I'm learning that in life and in love if you're never brave enough to take the chance and run the risk of failing you'll never succeed. 

Well hot Neighbour, thank you for existing on my block. I really meant what I said, you have inspired me to be a little bolder and a little braver. 

Until we meet again,

Love your *not a stalker* neighbour 

An open letter to a BFF

Dear Friend,

Our friendship sure isn't perfect. I don't expect it to be. But it's good. It's the greatest blessing in my life. After all the time we've know each other I feel more like sisters than friends. I don't know how to tell you every part of what I feel. I am just so grateful to be you're friend and to have you in my life. 

You've changed me in ways you couldn't imagine. I think of you a dozen times throughout the day. Between the inside jokes and all the little things that bring you to my mind. I've learned how to love from you. I've learned how to serve and care about people. I wouldn't be who I am without you. 

Sometimes I forget you're not perfect. I forget you have other friends and can't spend all your time with me. I forget sometimes.... but I never forget how much you mean to me. I never forget the good times we've had together. I never forget the laughter between us and the safety of you're hugs. I can't forget the inside jokes and special memories. I may forget the important dates or events in you're life.... I guess sometimes I forget I'm not perfect either. 

I'm lonely without you. I miss you when you blow off or don't reach out. But I soar sky high when you text me or get me flowers. I know you're busy but it hurts me... Sometimes I feel less like a best friend and more like a backup friend. I feel forgotten by you, by everyone. I know I'm exhausting to be around... I'm sorry. I know I'm sensitive and emotional. I know I'm a mess right now. But I have feelins and needs.... and honestly they don't feel met. It hurts, but then again I guess sometimes friendship hurts. 

I'm gonna try to be more patient with you. I'll try to remember that you have you're own life and it doesn't make you love me less. I'll stop complaining about expectations that go unmet. I'll try to be better, kinder and more loving.... and hopefully things will get better. If not... well I love you anyway and I'm not giving up on us. 

Love a friend. 

Lonely, I'm mister Lonely.

Being the youngest at the gastro is always interesting. Being checked in too, people always kinda squint at you.... it's just too weird. But anyways not about that. 

Let's talk about loneliness and friendship. I am a lone lonely loner. And it's been a little rough lately. I have literally like 1 friend in this area beyond my family. Which is fine by me but also makes me, maybe a little codependant on her friendship. 

Here's the thing I've been blown off so many times and recently it's been like a weekly accourance. The hard part is for some of the blow off it's been not my choice but somehow still blamed on me. 

The straw that broke the camel's back? Today I had asked to hang out and instead of saying she can't she just didn't respond until I hear from my brother that infact he is hanging out with her today. Ouch! Whelp, this doesn't feel so good. 

It's hard feeling like a substitute person in my friendships. It's hard to feel alone and want someone to love and support you, but it feels like there's no one. I mean I have my family and I love that. They are super supportive and kind and I love them. But sometimes I want someone outside my family to care about me. 

I think it's part of being single honestly. There comes a time when, after being single for a few years, you start to think that maybe there just is no one. You're gonna be a single and a lonely for always. I know that's not realistic and probably not true but boy oh boy it feels that way. There's a lot of insecurities about my desirability from living with a chronic illness. Sometimes I think it's better I stay alone because then I never drag anyone down with me. 

Well.... I'm just venting and trying to process my loneliness. I'm sure I'll be posting again before you know it but.. until then thanks for listening. 

Free thoughts on World events

Anyone feeling like it's the end of the world? Just me, okay. Alright alright, and of the world might be a little extreme. But with the way things are right now it's definitely how I'm feeling somedays. In the course of what? 3 months maybe the world has been completely flipped on its head. It's a lot to try and handle right now. 

I'm not going to rehash the issues on the table right now. If you're interested or unaware find a reliable news site and educate yourself. Until we know what's happening in the world and develop our own beliefs, opinions and ideas on the issues we really can't get past just acknowledging there's a problem. 

So today in my attempts to unravel everything going on I decided to visit with my cousin, she is half African American, I just wanted to try and understand her point of view. I wanted to know her feelings and I was serisouly hoping to get some sort of direction about what I'm supposed to do from here. 

Here's about how successful our conversation was:

Okay it was more successful than that. But boy oh boy did that feel #relatable. 

Here's a few of the conclusions and thoughts I got during our conversation that I felt should be passed on:

1. There is no easy solution. Most of us (or maybe just some of us... just me? Okay) want someone to just tell us what we should be doing to fix this. The hard truth is this is a complex and multi-layered issue there isn't a clear answer to help everyone. But I have come up with a simple 2 step program to solve this little issue: 

     •First examine yourself. Ask yourself the hard questions! Do I judge people who a different than I am? Do I judge someome off what they look like, what they're wearing or what someone said about them? Do I have beliefs or ideas that cause harm to others? Am I kind? It's only through honest self examinations we can determine who we truly are. And make necessary changes! It won't be easy but I beleive it is possible and the only way to change the world is through changing and improving ourselves. 

     •Second we must seek wisdom from someone greater than ourselves. For me that would be God. Maybe you believe in another spiritual guidance or universe or whatever. But I believe we have a God who loves us and want's to help us. If we ask Him, willing to act on our answers, who we should be, how we should live and how we can help heal the world we will get an answer. No matter the answer we need to be willing to act on it! That's the only way this will be possible. 

2. We all have a voice and we all have something we can share. It's easy to feel like what we say won't make a difference or like no one cares about our thoughts and feelings. Not true my friends! You have a unique view of the world and it is needed. Don't devalue what you beleive and feel because you're not a POC or because you're still learning. If you feel inspired to share do it, and if you don't feel comfortable or ready or knowledgeable enough that's okay too. There are other options than spouting your ideas and agree with the injustice in the world. This blog from my sister did a great job discussing another option for those unsure what to do right now. 

3. We need to cultivate a society of tolerance. The most important thing to fighting racism, sexism, abuse, mental illness and any other virus in the world is the ability to openly and honestly discuss it. My cousin did a beautiful job writing some of her thoughts and feelings online and she told me that she had spent a good half an hour writing and revising her post and she removed an entire paragraph because she didn't want to "stir the pot" too much. This is an incredibly difficult topic to discuss, and feelings are definitely running high at the moment. But we have to be able to discuss our feelings and beliefs with others free of fear of judgment or offence. I'm not saying it's easy but until we can openly discuss the issues of today we will never have the power to change them. 

4. Finally there is hope. There is more that unites us than divides us. Believe in love. Learn to forgive. Don't give up on the world. You can make a difference on the planet. Most importantly you are not accountable for the sins of your parents or your race. There is good and bad in every person. Be the best you can be today and go forward open and willing to be better than you were yesterday. And always, be kind everybody. 

Friends or Friend zone?

Alright let's just clear the air the friend zone is 1. Not an actual thing and 2. If you feel you have been placed in the "friend zone" you need to re-examine you're definition of friends. Okay maybe that's a little harsh. I'm sorry. Heartbreak is hard and crushing on someone who isn't into you the same way kills. 

Alright so story time!! I'm going to talk about Mr X (since we don't want to harm confidentiality on this blog) so Mr X and I met while I was serving my mission. I found out from one of him friends that he had a crush on me, awkward, but you manage it. He asked me to write him after I went home and he left on his mission. So he left and I wrote him, as promised. Why? Well because I wanted to be nice plus he was an okay guy. I wasn't like an every week emailed by any means. But I wrote him often enough. Then just before he came home he started messaging me over Facebook. Long story short we started talking pretty frequently. A few weeks after he got home (just around Valentine's day) he expressed his feelings for me. I wasn't sure how to respond so i just said honestly that I wasn't clear on my feelings and felt we needed to get to know one another (without one of us being a missionary). He agreed and we continued to talk. He discussed the possibility of coming to visit me, we figured we should probably video call before that. So we started the occasional video call. 

At this point I was really trying to determine my feelings. I was discussing it with friend and family. And honestly I just didn't feel any spark. I really felt like after 3 years if a spark was gonna happen it would've happened by this point. So I decided to prevent hurt feels and sad hearts so I told him what I was feeling. I tried to be kind and I expressed the fact that above all I just didn't want to hurt him and wanted to stay friends. His response was curt and frank: his only interest in me was romantic, he had only worked on our friendship in the plans of it become a relationship and since I wasn't interested he was no longer going to make an effort. 

He has held true to his words. Since this last exchange it has been 3 weeks. We haven't spoken. We went from daily to nothing. I'll be honest it took me a while to be ready to talk about this. I was hurt, not because I'd secretly fallen for him, but because for 3 years I had invested in our friendship. Not because I wanted anything out of it beyond just that friendship. It hurt to think that he had no real sincere interest in me. It was like reverse freind zone... relationship zone and when I didn't agree in was dropped. The end. 

Listen friends don't lead someone on like this. Don't be interested in someone only until you get what you want. This is selfishness and entitlement. Let's see if I can make this a little more simple don't be a Dickhead!!! Yup that's right. Friendships are work and they take effort. You can't go into them expecting something from it. Friendship is about love and trust and support. If you're luck enough to talk in love with your best friend then good for you. If not, you're friendship should be able exist beyond that. 

Listen, just be kind okay? Treat people the way you want to be treated. If you can be kind the world will be a better place. So get on it! 

Heart sick

I'm outside in the middle of a bike ride, fun fact I reached my goal (of a few years haha😅) and finally biked all the way to the Library (YAY! Insert mild happy dance), but my heart is just to heavy to wait any longer. I have words and feelings just swirling around my mind and heart. If they don't get out I don't know what I'll do. 

The world is such a dark place right now. The pandemic, the loneliness, murders and riots.... there is just so much... so so much. In my own life there is confusion and heartache. Hurt feelings and misunderstandings. I just feel so beyond empty and lost and... And I don't know what to do. 

I don't know why there is so much darkness in the world. I just know it hurts. It hurts so much. I just hurt so much. (That's probably why I'm bleeding again... when the world gets too heavy the best way to deal is obviously to attack yourself internally *please note intense sarcasm*) That's not to say my suffering or sadness diminishes the suffering and sadness of other people. But it does suck that's for sure. (Frankly it sucks for everyone so... there's that) It really sucks.... And I feel so alone facing it. 

This post has no point. No cheer up moment when I point out the bright side and the blessings. This is just me right now saying my heartaches.... I hope the pain is lessened soon.... I hope the darkness gets a little brighter.... I hope you're hurt heals too. Until then, welcome to the life sucks club. 

A Word of Caution

I was planning to write this tomorrow, Saturday, morning. It is currently midnight and because of how it was pressing on my mind emotionally I decided I had better start right away. 

Recently I've been reminded of the fact that words hurt. I feel like you can't  hardly get on YouTube without someone getting called out for something they've said, cancel culture is huge right now. But even more close to home I've recently had an experienced that drove this matter right into my heart. During this pandemic many of us have been pretty homebound. My brother came over one night and I flippantly made a comment about him having "moobs." To me it was a joke, he also laughed and joked about needing to get back in shape. That was that, or so I thought. He did begin working out quite a bit and when he came over a while later he brought it up again. Still in the laughing tones but he talked about how that comment was the straw that broke the camel's back. That he felt he was getting "fat" and needed to change, all because of one thoughtless comment from his big sister. I was very upset and tried to back peddle. He then clarified that it goes back to his childhood, when he was 10 or so and was carrying a lot of babyfat before his growth spurt (he's over 6ft today), and the comments from his BEST FRIENDS calling him a little fatty, or saying that he's their chubby friend and making fun of his weight. He has never forgotten, it had hurt him and a single comment from me brought back all those insecurities. 

You know the old adage: "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me." Guess what? This is a lie! Words have the power to have as much emotional, physical and psychological damage as a well thrown punch. As we see with my little brother. So why do we tell ourselves that words can't hurt us? I think partially why is because then we can justify the things WE say. Because well, words can't hurt so if what I say upsets someone it's their problem. This saying removes my responsibility for the words I say and the affect they have on people. One of the the hardest parts in all this is that each of us can and have been the victim and the perpetrator. We've said things that have lasting negative impact and we've been told thing that have had a lasting impact on us in a harmful way. I am no exception from this; here are some quick examples that come to mind:

When I was about 10 or so I remember going to my Grandmas and as we drove we had the windows down and my hair obviously got pretty messed up. All of my life, up until about a year ago actually, I have had bangs. So you can probably imagine the extent of my bad hair day. I went downstairs to my cousins, who at the time because of certain situations in my life were my only friends. And I was immediately made fun of. They called me  mullet bangs and everyone laughted about what I looked like. Now I kept my bangs, I felt too insecure without them, for a long time despite this. But I never forgot and I never ever let myself be seen having a bad bang day again. 

Another more recent example happend on my mission. Sadly on my misson I had quite a few experiences where people said unkind things to me. And it affected my self esteem in a huge and deeply harmful way. The hardest part is the unkind things said often came from members or companions, people I deeply cared about. Here is just one experiences; I had a dear companion after I had hit half way. (Over 9 months on my mission) She and I would often sing together. I love to sing, although I have never had vocal training it just makes me happy. One Sunday this sister and I were doing studies and she was very upset about something. When we got to companion study I was trying to understand why she was upset and help her. After we had prayed and while sitting on the floor, she was weeping and I begged her to explain why she was so upset. This is what she told me: you sing so loudly at church and you sing off key, it hurts my ears and upsets me. I was shocked! I quickly apologized and told her I would really try to sing more quietly. We moved on, later that night I cried in the shower about it. A few weeks later after church I quietly asked her if my singing was less upsetting because I had been really trying to sing quietly. Not only did she seem surprised that I remembered she quickly tried to blow it off. I have never forgotten. I still love to sing, I even get myself to sing in the church choir. But I will never offer to sing a solo. I cannot accept complements on my singing because fankly once someone tells you you're singing is painful you assume everyone else is just being nice. 

There's more examples from my life, I have no doubt you could think of your fair share of examples. In the name of humour, or when we're upset, or just not thinking words are spoken that are not okay. Unkind comments are not okay just because we say them in a joke. They are not okay just because we say them online, faceless and nameless, in the comment section. Our words are as powerful as any stone we could throw. Maybe next time you are about to say something unkind to someone just throw a rock at them instead, then the damage is done. (Okay that was sarcasm please please don't throw rocks at people!!) Most of us are good people with only good intentions. But we all need to think before we speak, we can't be perfect but we can do our best to be kind. 

Please, please remember to be kind. That your words have power, so you need to choose them carefully. Because just like unkind and hurtful words can last forever so can loving and kind ones. You can choose right now, choose to do no harm in word or deed. And when you fail, be quick and sincere in your apology! Forgives and healing comes through the Master, the only one who is sinless and able to throw stones, but who won't. He will heal broken hearts, yours and those you've broken. Don't despair in your weakness or unkindness, just resolve to be better. Be kind everyone. Just be kind. 

Mental Health Awareness Month

Alright let's talk about Mental Illness. As many are, hopefully, aware May is Mental health awareness month. Mental health and well being is extremely important to me!! I have a handful of family members and close friends who struggle with their mental health, and as I mentioned in a prior blog post recently my cousin committed suicide. 

I too have struggled with my mental health at different times during my experiences being chronicly ill. 

The other day as I was scrolling through YouTube I happened on a video about the danger in our society of Romanticizing mental illness. To romanticize something according to the Webster dictionary means: "to make romantic: treat as idealized or heroic." And some synonyms are words like: "glamorize, idealize, glorify" 

I do beleive that there is some of this in our society. For example, the video I watched also referred to this, in the wildly popular TV show 13 Reasons Why you follow the aftermath of a suicide of a teenage girl. She sends these tapes explaining (blaming? Condemning?) to people in her life the role they played in her suicide. Then it follows how these characters are affected (traumatized?) by these tapes. The danger is the show portrays Hannah (the girl who committed suicide) as being there. Witnessing how these people are affected by her actions. 

News flash!! When you commit suicide you are gone, you do not get to see how this hurts the people around you. And believe me it does hurt them. You don't get to witness their change or live on despite you're death. You are gone. The end. Suicide as a way to help people change, or a tool for revenge is a sick portrayal of the true illness that leads to such a decision. 

I refuse to believe that my cousin who loved his mother and father, his sibblings, his wife and his children would take his life as a way to "get back at them" for any perceived injustice he felt or to help them somehow "improve" themselves. He did it because he has severe depression. He had lost hope and saw no other way to escape the pain and despair he was experiencing. In this way I do beleive society can be harmful, downright toxic, in this aspect of mental illness. 

Another aspect of "Romanticizing" this video brought up was having multiple people (predominantly) YouTubers sharing "I have anxiety" or "I'm depressed" and the video goes off on the: DO YOU HAVE A DIAGNOSIS?! argument that always seems to follow these things. This specifically bothered me, because I've talked about my struggles with anxiety before with friends or family and I don't want to be part of a problem for others who face greater mental illness struggles. Now YouTubers aside, I don't think most people see anxiety or depression as big money makers. So I'm going to leave YouTubers and their choices in the corner. 

So let's discuss this; my mother is a therapist, she has a masters in Marriage and Family therapy. So I brought this issue up to her and she tried to help me understand this idea of diagnosis here's what she explained: 

Diagnosis: means there is a disorder (i.e. depressive disorder) 

To have a disorder you're struggles with this specific mental illness (i.e. anxiety) must be severe enough to be disrupting daily living. 

But mental health is a spectrum and you can struggle on that spectrum it's simply a matter of where on the spectum you find yourself. Most therapist don't want to label and diagnosis because it's completely subjective to your current therapist and can be potentially harmful in the long run. Within the medical treatment of mental illness a diagnosis is required for medication treatments. However! A therapist can treat you without a diagnosis, they may make assumptions about what your "ailment" is and they will offer therapy based on symptoms and what is most effective for treatment of certain illnesses. Seeking a diagnosis is a personal journey, one that is individual for each person. And only as affective/helpful and they feel it is. 

So there you have it! You may not have an anxiety disorder but struggling with anxiety and being open about it is valid. In my case, following my diagnosis with ulcerative colitis I was incredibly anxious. 

At one point I was home alone and started to have a panic attack, I called a close friend simply asking for her to breath with me. I was drowning and begging for a life preserver. She responded quickly, more that just breathing with me she dropped everything and came over. She held me and didn't leave until my family got home. At times I was so crippled with fear all I could do was cry. It took time but as my body tried to heal so did my mind. I believe that there is a real possibility this anxiety will be something I struggle with all of my life, just like my illness. 

Now let's finish this concern with "romanticizing" mental illness. I think it comes down to motivation: if you share information about your illness (physical or mental) because you want to raise awareness then that's good. Awareness is important, people don't understand things they don't know anything about. So sometimes you just gotta talk about it. If you talk about it for attention, praise or fame that's less good. I get it we all want to be seen but it's more important, especially with mental illness to be heard. If people hear you their hearts will be touched and the world can be changed. But if all they do is see? Well, when they look away you're out of sight and therefore out of mind. And heres a little pro-tip, if you worry about whether or not you're doing thing's (being sick, having symptoms, cancelling plans, talking about you're struggles) for attention there's a 98% change you're not. If you were you wouldn't care. 

So to sum up; 1. STOP JUDGING PEOPLE! Just try to be kind, please! I'm begging you. If someone is talking about their mental illness and in the back of your mind you think, "gee what attention seekers" or "where is their diagnosis" Well all I'm gonna say is: "check yourself before you wreck yourself!" Listen to them, validate them and try to help them if you can. 2. MODERN MEDIA OFTEN DOES ROMATICIZE METAL ILLNESS! Don't buy into the lies. If you are struggling get help! Suicide is not romantic, heroic, idealic. Suicide is not the answer! SUICIDE CRISIS LINE 1-800-273-8255. If your are struggling reach out and get help! If you're worried about someone you love, don't hesitate to call 911 and send help to them. 

3. MOTIVE IS THE ANSWER TO NOT ROMATICIZING MENTAL ILLNESS. Check you're motive when you share you're story. Awareness=good. Attention=not so good. And of you just feel like you want to share it? You don't have a clear reason why, then do it! 

The biggest answer to mental illness is Love. Love someone enough to listen to them. Love them enough to see the warning signs and get help for them. Love yourself enough to get help if you're struggling. Love the world. Spread kindness wherever you can and someday we will overcome this illness.