I have felt so angry and sad and hurt... a hurt that cuts deep right down to your center. I've been angry with myself- that I didn't use every second of the time I had been given, that I wasn't there more, that I didn't take more pictures with her. It's hard not to feel bitter and angry about these things... and the hurt just cuts a little deeper with each of these thoughts and feelings. I've also felt angry and hurt and sad that Grandma isn't here now... that her eyes aren't open, that she can't talk, it makes every interaction feel empty. I want a better goodbye. I want a last hug. I want to hear I love you one more time. And the hard truth is... I don't think I'm gonna get to. I don't think her physical body has that strength anymore. 

But during this time of fasting and prayer I have felt something stiring. Memories of times spent together. Of hugs and "I love you"s. Time spent together listening to her voice, her stories, her testimony. I remember her saying I love you. Wishing me healing and peace. Praying for my future, for love. Grandma always saw more good in me than I ever saw in myself. She loved me so completely it was never in question. No matter my choices, mistakes or flaws I 

knew-- I still know. Her love was constant. 

Grandma was a woman of faith and of love. She lived her life to its fullest. Always striving to grow and to help others. She loved deeply and completely. She was fearlessly devoted to Jesus Christ. She knew Him, she knew Him as her personal Savior. Grandma's life touched all those around her for good, because she was goodness and kindness and love. Grandma is everything I want to be when I grow up. Becuase if I can be like her, love like her, listen and follow like her. I know I will be closer to my Father Heaven and to all those I've loved and lost. If I had my wish Grandma would stay, stay with me. But "I do sin in my wish..." even though I don't feel ready I'm going to try to be okay with her moving on. Try to let her know that it's okay. And we'll be okay.

I know our love will never die. We are a family sealed forever in a temple of ou God. How grateful I am for this blessing, this truth and knowledge. I know she is not alone, Grandpa and Marty and Jacob and all those that Grandma has loved and lost are there waiting to welcome her home. What a beautiful and happy reunion that will be. There is joy in this if we remember that death is not the end. That families and love doesn't end. It hurts, I hurt in ways I've forgotten I knew how. But the love is there-- to wrap me up and hold me close. I know that no matter what happens she'll stay near by and at all those moments I want her to share with me she'll be there. 

Xoxo

Happy Birthday Harry!

For the month of July I set quite a loftey goal for myself. My goal was to read the entire Harry Potter series by the end of the month, seeing as July 31st is Harry Potters birthday I felt it was a good time to refresh myself. And let me just say, "HARRY POTTER IS THE GREATEST BOOK SERIES IN THE WORLD!!" Feel free to disagree (as long as you're okay with being wrong haha)

I have throughout my reading been compiling my thought and feelings and I'm gonna dump them all right here. #sorrynotsorry There is not a particular order to any of these thoughts however I will write down which book I was reading when the thoughts came around. 

Harry Potter and the Socerers Stone, book 1:

Alright okay this is such a delightful book. My heart is positively bursting with love. It's like sitting back in your childhood, immediate nostalgia, safety, peace. This is happiness. 

Hermione Granger is an excellent female character. She isn't the emotional one, she's judgmental and harsh at times. She has very much a one track mind- do well in school, excell, prove you belong here. She is such a different take on the typical female lead; not being the compassionate motherly figure, having a wicked side. In many ways she is the original not like other girls (only in her case it's true haha). 

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, book 2:

Those dumb movies did Ronald Weasly so dirty!!! I can't even handle this nonsense!!!

Ron is the heart of the trio- he is the emotional head of the group (The heck was that dumb, "Just because you've got the emotional range of a teaspoon" movie garbage?! *edit* I recognize this line is said by Hermione to Ron in the 5th book. However I think the difference is the way Ron has been portrayed up to that point. In the book Ron simply can quite understand why a bit of kissing wouldn't cheer someone up. In the movie it's like a culmination of all his insensitivity to that point). Ron is constantly moved by emotions; he gets jealous of Harry, he is more than ready to throw hands to defend his family and his friends. He is quick to emotionally support Harry and Hermione, being their resource for non-school related magical knowledge (which makes so much sense; why one earth would Hermonie be the expert on all things magical 24/7 she is a muggle-born and yes she is a good student but as for social things or culturally speaking it makes sense to give Ron the lead). When Harry is being abused and neglected by the Dursleys Ron leads with that lizard part of the brain and makes an emotional decision, GET HARRY OUT NOW! (The only right decision in my opinion). Ron is a perfectly imperfect character led purely by his heart, fiercely loyal to his friends and family (this is why the theory that the Golden trio being a representation of each different house makes so much sense, Hufflepuf is 1000% a perfect fit for Ron), but far from perfect as we see in later books. 

Albus Dumbledore is my hero! He is infinitely compassionate and understanding. When Ginny Weasly is found to be the one who was being controlled into opening the chamber of secrets Dumbledore steps in immediately to separate Ginny from the situation. Making it clear from the first moment that Voldemort was controlling her. And then seeking only that she recieve the care she needed after the traumatic events. Even going as far as reassuring her that there was no lasting harm done. Maybe I'm crazy but that line alone touched me, I even got a little teary, because it was such a show of pure mercy and compassion and forgiveness. Ginny knew, she saw her weaknesses, saw what she had done and the horror of it all. She didn't need a talking to, didn't need any punishment, she needed mercy and Dumbledore gave her that without question. 

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Severous Snape is the absolute worst character in the history of ever!! I don't care what happens in later books or whatever garbage JK has come up. I hate him. Now in contrast to horrible book Snape you have movie Snape and I will give in, movie Snape is wonderful. He's plenty a hero. He's a bit of an uptight, mean and harsh man. But he does good things and if my opinion on Snape was based only on the movie version of Him I'd have little to nothing bad to say about him. 

Sirius is such a tragic hero. He's a young man destroyed by Azkaban and with so little happiness in his life but the moment he meets Harry again he is ready to open his heart and his home to him. It is beautiful and everything they go through is so heartbreaking. It's really a tragedy that the movie didn't show all that was in their relationship. 

Deatheaters are such an interesting symbolic evil. They are hopelessness and despair and there is so much beauty and power in the idea that it is our memories of happiness and joy and peace that help us overcome the darkness. That moment in the end when Harry thought his father had saved him only to realize that no one was going to save him from the darkness. That he needed to save himself and more importantly that he could save himself. There is power in that knowledge and it goes far beyond a book! It's the truth, you can save yourself and you have the power within you to do it! 

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Cedric Digory is beautiful marshmallow and will never be forgotten as the best Hufflepuf since Newt Salamander (idk how to actually spell his last name, you know who I mean tho) the death of Cedric is the start of the war, the end of childhood for many of the students at hogwarts. 

"Harry, did you put your name in the goblet of fire?!?" Nuff said ;) 

I love that JK doesn't shy away from pettiness in these books. She let's Ron and Hermione bicker and stop talking to each other over disagreements. She gives Ron the freedom to be jealous and angsty against Harry. Because that's reality!! We have petty fights, we get butt hurt but if we will have the courage to go back and make it right our friendships can last and even be strengthend. 

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phenix 

Dumbledore's Army is life! A group of teenagers seeing something wrong with their world and doing something about it! Dumbledore's Army is how we can all fight back!! We can learn and prepare for the fights life is going to throw at us. In also showed the uniting, no longer was the focus on houses or ages it was a uniting force. United in one goal (that's not to say they were united on everything. How could they be? But they joined focies and set aside their differences so they could unite in what was most important). 

I love Luna Lovegood! She is my sprit animal ;) Her sense of confidence within herself, her belief (despite people's opinions) never faltered. She had a sense of purpose and self that is beyond admirable. She was weird and odd and off the wall but she showed loyalty and never let the unkindness of others taint her. She is a perfect foil for Severus Snape. Ridiculed and bullied by the other students but instead of turning inward and becoming angry and bitter she turned outward she found a way to love herself and surrounded herself with those who loved her. 

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince 

Oh 'em goodness! I love this one!!! Harry and Ginny are my original OTP! (One true pair for those not deep into Fandom life) their first kiss is a thing of legends! Their relationship is so sweet, Harry simply acknowledging that she makes him happy. There's no better way to show the good of a relationship than to say with honesty that they make you happy, happier than you've ever been. It's just the ultimate sweetest!!! 

The death of Dumbledore is heartbreaking. Say whatever you want but he was a good man and a powerful leader. He inspired hope and in every way he showed us that love would win!

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows 

I am so proud to say that at 11:45 on July 31st I finished this book! *happy dance* 

First of all each character who was lost throughout this book there is a special sort of pain. Dobby and Fred are two that always hit me deep. But somehow it was the loss of Lupin and Tonks that hurts so much. The lsot their future with their child. Teddy lost his parents and it was sort of a repeat of how the book started, a child who was left behind. But this time there is so much more hope for the future. 

I also found myself thinking as I read this book how it's really about redemption. Dumbledore had flaws, he had weaknesses and faults. He'd made mistakes- huge ones in his past. But he learned and from them he changed and grew as a man. He became a champion for those he once ridiculed and judged as lesser. Snape went from supporting the dark arts to fighting against them in everyway he could. I think the biggest difference between them is that Dumbledore changed because of loss and instead of allowing bitterness to fill him he filled himself with a greater sense of love. Whereas Snape held onto the buttress of loss and never allowed love to come back into his life. I still think he sucks- but I do acknowledge a sense of redemption to him. 

Harry named his children like a goofball! Hahaha. I'm sorry I feel strongly about this! Naming his son after Snape makes me sick! Exspecially when in the books he talks about Hagrid being brave and inspiring to him. Albus Rubeus would be much better! And I know he wanted to remember Snape and whatever but blah! No thank you. I also have feeling about the epilog in general. However the thought behind it is good. 

So there you go! Reading Harry Potter this past month has been my light in darkness. This month has been hard for me. I've struggled emotionally and physically and reading Harry Potter has brought me joy and peace. I love this book series and will for always! "Until the very end."- James Potter