Two whole years, can you believe it?

So today I got a very excited Marco Polo from my MTC companion. She was happily wishing me congratulations at our mutual anniversary of coming home from our 18 month mission in Jacksonville. Yup! Two years ago today I was flying home emotionally and physically exhausted after giving my all for 18 months serving the wonderful people of Jacksonville. And "celebrating" being home for two years doesn't really make me feel very happy. Let's do a quick side my side of me and my MTC companion:

Companion: 

Moved out of parents house, happily married, expecting 1st baby, working from home, cute rental house (you get the idea #perfect)

Me:

Lives in parents basement, haven't been on a date since last Dec, working part-time if lucky, sick constantly (but at least that's consistent)

I'm sure from that breif picture you get the idea why I wasn't loving the idea of "celebrating" two years home. I mean I spent the day at the dentist finding out that I might have some autoimmune mouth disorder or something and the evening icing my swollen painfull hand wondering what's up with that new problem. She spent this evening celebrating Halloween with her sweet in-laws. Now please don't misunderstand!! I am so beyond happy for her! She's one of my very best friends and I love that she is so happy and fulfilled and blessed. I know she works hard and faces her fair share of trials. It's just on days like these I start to wonder what on earth God's plan is for me. 

Sometimes it feels like He's up there doing a evil chuckle and having this type of conversation with his angel buddies;

God: So how's Onaleigh doing down there on earth?

Angel: She's doing pretty well after the whole chronic illness bomb we dropped a few months ago. 

God: So she's starting to figure things out, dealing with pain well, you know starting to feel hopeful again?

Angel: Yeah she's really risen to this trial, I think she's gonna be just fine! 

God: Oh great! So now I'm thinking we throw down some problems with her hand, pretty basic just make it hurt randomly and frequently oh! Definitely whenever she's baking or you know using it to do anything that makes her happy.

Angel: Excuse me what now? 

God: No, no trust me on this she's gonna learn a lot and she'll definitely rise to this one too! 

Angel: So like this is it though,  right? I mean she's good now on the whole trials thing, at least for a year or so?

God: Mhm... I mean maybe, but probably not. I'm thinking we go after her teeth next after that I'm sure we'll find some new medical mystery. And then there's always her social life can you imagine trying to get her on a date? I mean come on! Isn't this so fun?! 

*And scene* 

Okay that was sassy and honestly I don't think God gets a kick out of my suffering (most days) but sometimes I just wonder you know? Like maybe a few years or months ago I was at a cross roads and it was like left leads you to marriage, baby and happiness or you choose right and you get health challenges, emotional distress and "a great personality." Obviously the correct choice was left but I went right and now look at this pickle in I'm! Or maybe it's all you know, "This is a good thing, think how much your learning." "This will be a blessing later in life." "Just think it could be much worse." Which honestly doesn't make me feel much better. I just really don't understand why. 

Why is this where I am in life? Literally what is the point to all this? Will it ever end? Does it get better? Do you actually have a plan or are we like rolling dice and guessing as we go? 

Sadly this post, like those questions that will go unfinished because I don't have the answers. (Shocking I know!) I'm trying to trust, which is the literal worst. I'm trying to be patient, which feels almost impossible. I'm really trying to be positive, cause that's what your supposed to do. And mostly I'm just trying to be happy, but it's not always easy. I know eventually I'll figure this whole thing out, probably when I'm 90 (but at this rate who knows if I'll even get there! Haha) and don't worry when I get some answers I'll definitely let you know. Until then, just keep hanging on! 

Never good enough

The realization hit me last Sunday that I will never be good enough to go to Heaven. I felt totally overwhelmed and unsure of what to do. I want to go but I will never measure up to the requirements that allow me to go to Heaven. 

But isn't that the point? This isn't a ride at Valley Fair with a 4'3" height requirement or you cant ride the rollercoaster. This isn't a club where you have to meet certain criteria to join the club. This IS Heaven! 

No one anywhere will ever at any point will "qualify" to enter Heaven. So sorry to break this new to you. This is the entire reason we need a Savior! Because God knew that without divine help we would never be able to return to him.

But then you ask why are there commandments? If Jesus is the way and all we need is to accept Him to get to heaven what the point of everything else? Great question!! Here's my thought: Just because there aren't requirements to attain a spot on Heaven there are certain ways we can show that thats where we want to be. By our Obedience we show God that we will follow him, and that we want to follow him. But you counter we can want to follow someone and still not actually do it. But isn't that the true point? As we learn to love our Father in Heaven and as we recognize that we have been saved by Jesus Christ our heart will change. Over time our understanding of  commandments changes, we know they are opportunities for blessings and we know they are guidelines to protect us. Then when we are asked to give and serve and do within the church our willingness increases because it's a chance for us to show how much we love Him and his children. 

We will still fail. We will still never do enough our bodies and minds will limit what we can do, or think we can do. Even though our desires will be there our actions will never measure up. But Christ and His atonement steps in and saves us. It saves us despite our weaknesses. So if you feel you've failed don't give up! Rely on the Savior and trust his ability to save. 

Flare-up Rules

So you're in a flare up, it sucks obviously, but what do you do now? Here are some hard and fast rules that have helped me! 

1. You can only call out sick from work IF you have diarrhea, are vomiting, or have a fever. They need you to be there, and you can do this!  

2. You have dietary restrictions! Corn will end you! Dairy is a no-no! So JUST SAY NO!

2.5 You must eat food everyday! Your body needs to be fed, find something it will eat! 

3. You must brush you're teeth and put on deodorant EVERYDAY! Changing clothes is optional changing underwear recommend. 

4. You have to get out of bed everyday. No specific requirements on the amount of time spent outside of bed and you can get back in it however often as you need too. 

5. You must see and feel the sun everyday! Through your bedroom window doesn't really count and you know that. Go get some of that D! 

6. Be nice to someone everyday! Kindness counts and will make you feel a little better. 

7. You are not allowed to wallow! Cry about your afflictions for a moment feel  all the sorrow and suffering, and then remember that the sun still shines and tomorrow will be better than today.