Anxiety what now?

Anxiety has been a part of my life probably since childhood I just wasn't as aware of it as I am now. After yesterday's blog post and experience I've decided to break down some common experiences for those with anxiety. And xplain what on earth I'm talking about when I say anxeity spiral. 

What is a panic attack? In a panic attack your mind literally goes into fight or flight mode, you fear for your life and any sense of rationality is gone. Often it affects your breathing and there are other physical symptoms specific to each individual. The biggest thing that sets a panic attack apart from an anxiety attack is there isn't a known stressor causing it. You might be out for ice cream with friends when you have one, or you might be just about to go to bed. Whereas with an anxiety attack you can usually find the cause after some looking. I don't think I've ever had a true panic attack. I have seen a dear friend have one though. And the experience is something I'll never forget. The pain she was feeling, the deep powerful emotions. It was a moment where I felt so powerless to help. It was killing me. She was and still is an incredible woman and I admire her so much. 

An anxiety attack can be similar in symptoms to a panic attack. However it is less severe. It also has a clear cause, some sort or form of stressor that when you have a clear head and can examine the situation you can find. Another difference is that with a panic attack they are usually quite sudden and out of the blue whereas an anxiety attack usually builds in intensity over a period of time. An anxiety attack can hit its peak at any time, like a panic attack. Usually once the stressor is dealt with the anxiety attack is lessened or leaves all together. With panic attacks they tend to just stick with the person throughout their life. 

An anxiety spiral, as I refer to it, is when my anxiety spikes quite suddenly in response to a stress in my life. It usually includes some distorted thinking, some physical responses (crying, heart racing, etc), and a very very loud inner critic having a go at me. They come and go depending on triggers, sometimes (like with yesterday) it's a very obvious mistake or change in my life. Other times it could just be discussing future events or attempting to plan and figure out lives next step. I usually can snap out of them pretty quickly and can address whatever emotions and thoughts were brought up and move right on along. Sometimes (like yesterday) it's harder to break the pattern and get back on track. Sometimes when they are really bad they leave me drained and feeling blah for the rest of the day (like yesterday's).

Even though an anxiety spiral isn't a real term or something another person might use it helps me to refer to it that way. Why? Well it helps me disassociate with my anxiety to recognize it was a moment in my day and I can move past it. It also helps me explain it to another person (usually family) that I wasn't rational or thinking because my anxiety brain had taken hold. 

Anxiety is different for everyone. We experience it differently. We understand it differently. Our symptoms, triggers and overall responses are vastly different. This illness is completely unique to each individual who struggles with it. So it's important to ask respectful and kind questions when you don't understand someone. It's important to be open and honest with those you love about your experience so that they can understand. If I've learned anything it's that going alone to face this dragon isn't easy and it's okay to ask for help. 

Better or worse?

Tonight while walking the dog my brother made a passing comment that my mental illness was worse because I'd admitted to it, "Denial," he said, "is the key to success." Is he right? Are my issues worse because I have admitted my defeat and sought help? If that's the case why admit to the problem? 

Why would alcoholics anonymous have one of their first steps be "admit you have a problem"? 

I wonder if perhaps we're wrong in thinking the problem is made worse by admitting there is a problem to begin with. Perhaps our open eyes simply see the problem, maybe for the first time we really see that yup this is in fact a problem. Who knew? 

I do think my anxiety has been more apparent since I've started therapy but that's because I'm more aware of it. For example:

Today I realized I'd been working an extra half hour in my new job. Oops! Not a huge deal, it's only been for a few weeks and only 2 days a week at that. Certainly not the end of the world, no reason to crumble or destroy ourselves. However I quickly succumbed to an anxiety spiral that was pretty severe. I cried, I screamed, I was angry with myself. Convinced of my own stupidity, my failures, I was a horrible employee, I could do nothing right and it was definitely the end of the world as we know it. 

Would I have responded that way regardless of if I am in therapy. Yes ma'am I would've. So what's the difference? Well this time I realized even as I was spiraling that that's exactly what I was doing. I knew, even as I struggled to challenge them, that my thoughts were very distorted. I knew that my inner critic was running rampant but it was wrong. I am not a failure because I failed. I am a good person, good employee and yeah, I'm human, so what? Before I started therapy I would've simple accepted defeat because I had no reason to see any problem with how I was treating myself. I wouldn't have questioned it and certainly wouldn't have challenged it. 

That's the point of admitting to your problems. You can see them with both eyes open and act when they show their little faces. Just like a diabetic can't deny their way out of high bloodsugar without some insulin. You can just deny yourself into a healthy mental state, a lack of anxiety or freedom from depression. Sure you can push it to the side to get through the next shift at work or feeding your family dinner but that doesn't solve the problem. The only way to overcome it, to heal your heart and mind is to get help. 

Now I do understand not everyone who has mental illness seeks therapy. For some medications or exercise or whatnot is all the treatment they need. But for those who seek it therapy can be a wonderful way to work through some of your problems and get the help we all need to manage life. So yes I'm in therapy, I admit I have a problem with anxiety. But I'm not defeated. Right now I am okay and everyday I'm a little bit better. That's all I can ask of myself and that's all you should expect from yourself or others. Tomorrow is a new day and there will be good in it if you look for it. 

Pumpkins

Let's talk about crafting and pumpkins, basically the two best parts of fall! 😍 Sometimes you just need to go to a craft store and make something. Today's project was a cute Plaid Pumpkins!! 

Step 1: Gather supplies 

These were the types of craft pumpkins I was able to find. Pretty cheap and a good overall shape. I think having a pumpkin with pretty defined pumpkin shape is important for this project since you will be covering it with plenty of fabric! 

Other supplies you'll need? 

I used fabric glue as well as a hot glue gun. Then find a fabric of your choice. I went with this cute fall plaid from JoAnns. My sister helped pick it out and honestly it was the first fabric I saw. #score. I only bought a yard but was able to do 2 large pumpkins and 3 small ones with still a little extra fabric. Finally you'll need something to cover the stems, I chose to use some dark brown twine. Also found at a craft store and as you can see there is plenty of extra. I also had some fall leaves in my house from other decorations that I added to the mix to prevent the pumpkins looking too much like I pin cushions. Haha. 

Step 2: Getting started 

Thankfully these are pretty easy. First you want to cut the fabric into a square large enough for each side to be able to reach the center stem of the pumpkin, this allows for full coverage. I also found later that cutting of the point of the corners left you with less extra fabric needing to be trimmed off the stem at the end. 

To glue the fabric on the pumpkin I simply followed the ridges on the pumpkins to place the fabric glue and then pressed the fabric onto it. Adding extra glue as needed to get the shape and coverage you want. Continue all the way around the pumpkin. 

Step 3: The stem

Doing the stem is probably the trickiest part. I used the hot glue gun at this point. And started at the base and slowly wrapped the twine around the stem shape. I didn't get a good picture of this step. My advice would he to go slowly and don't worry if it ends up lumpy or weird you can always go back through and recover areas. For the top I simply added pleantly of glue and then spiraled the twine until the tips were completely covered. 

Step 4: Decorate 

This is where the creative juices can really flow! Feel free to add any cute fixin's to make this pumpkin uniquely your own. For example 

I took some twine and wrapped it around a disposable staw and covered it with the fabric glue allowed it to try and when removed from the paper (pro tip don't use a straw covered in paper 😉)  they stayed all cute and curly a perfect addition to my largest pumpkin. 

For the smaller pumpkins I used only one leaf and found that I could simply glue the twine down in curly forms and it looked just as cute but didn't take as long. At this point I also added the leaves after my brother said they looked like pincushions. 

Step 5: Puke fall cuteness over your entire home

Okay maybe don't puke.... and maybe thats a weird way to say decorate your home with all the cutest fall pumpkins but I'd already had a step say "Decorate" so I couldn't do a repeat. Anyways, at this point I would giving the pumpkins a little time to dry would be good (mine didn't take long and I wasn't worried but if you have nice surfaces you wouldn't want damaged I'd let them fully dry before placing them). Then go nuts! Pumpkins everywhere!!! Make your home the fall kingdom you desire. 

As you can see with my newest additions I am getting quite a little collection of pumpkins. Yay! 😊 

No go forth friends. Create the life you love! Or at least a pumpkin to make you smile.