It's like someone is on fire and instead of grabbing water to put them out or pulling them to the ground for the 'stop, drop and roll' you tell them, "You need to put out that fire." Can you see the ineffectiveness? Is it glaringly obvious yet? That's exactly what it feels like to hear, "Just Relax" when I'm feeling out of control- stressed and anxious and overwhelmed. Right there, right then I don't feel like I can put out my fire. My anxiety and fear isn't something I can just switch off in that moment. And telling me, "gee I do believe you need to relax." Does nothing but increase my stress. And adding cautions about how: "you always hate yourself after you act this way" or "your going to make things more miserable for yourself by acting this way" don't help much either.
Before someone jumps down my throat for being a spoiled brat let me just clarify I recognize my actions and stress levels are inexcusable. I am not trying to justify them. I know damn well that when I get like this I am a legit b*tch and it's %100 true that after my blow up of b*itchiness I am always more upset with myself, my actions and how I treated the people I care about. It's a struggle I have and I am sincerely trying to work on it. I'm trying to practice relaxation and calming techniques. It's like trying to implement fire safety standards but somehow or another you end up standing knee deep in the fire and then you're just SOL from there.
So my point of this: is maybe we need some new ideas for how to help each other when we or someone we love is loosing that control.
In my day job I work with Autistic Kiddos and when they start to spiral out of control with stress and anxiety I don't say: "calm down", "just relax" or anything else. Instead I offer them work able and applicable relaxation techniques. I say things like, "Let's take a deep breath, okay?" Then I just start breathing with them. Leading by example and often anyone near by just immediately join in with whatever breathing I'm doing. Sometimes it works, sometimes not so much. But I have other tools in my tool box! Next I may ask if they need a hug? Or if they need some quiet time? I might try to offer a distraction (something I know they'll enjoy and will genuinely tempt them). Odds are something like these work. And then after they have calmed down (the situation may or may not have changed but their attitude or well being has changed) I will discuss what's wrong, discuss how we can fix it and then we make a plan for the next step. Sometimes discussing what's wrong causes them to get upset again but we just start the cycle again.
So maybe, just maybe that would work for the rest of us too? How about instead of saying things like, "Just Relax" we try one of these techniques? When someone is upset and stressed try saying, "Should we take some deep breaths? I'm gonna take a deep breath okay?" Or "Do you need a hug?" How about, "How can I help you, how can we fix this?" I don't %100 know if these would work better. But I have to hope and believe that maybe that would be a bit better than, "Just Relax."
So let's be advocates! Let's discuss these plans with people we love and let them know what we think would help us. Setting expectations and sharing our ideas certainly can't hurt. If nothing else then our people know a bit better what's going on with our heads. Frankly being on fire sucks and if there's anything we can do to help let's do it!!!
