ugh double ugh

Today was better and then I was worse and now I'm here because I gotta put all this "blah" somewhere.... so here goes.

Mr. Ford is still talking to other girls. One in particular that he almost went to see for a date when his trip was cut short.... so there's that. And I get it, we aren't dating and he owes me literally less than nothing (okay maybe genuin human decency but beyond that not much)

And if our goal is truly to become friends it really shouldn't matter but it does. It matters because I'm not talking to other people. I don't have time to talk to other boys- heck I've not answered my phone when I'm talking to him because I want to stay genuinely invested. So maybe I pull it back a little. 

Mayne I need to get back on Mutual and try to connect with some other guys. Maybe I don't need to talk to Mr. Ford everyday on the phone. Yknow? Maybe it's time I stop hyper focusing on this not-relationship/relationship and instead focus on me. My life, my goals, my priorities because clearly he's focused on his. 

Ugh! What the actual heck! This stinks!!!! I'm bummed and also my blah feelings go past just Mr. Ford.... life just feels like a lot. It feels like too much. Between baking and school and everything else with work and trying to find an apartment. It's just so much and a sully boy feels like an unnecessary addition to an already busy plate. Does that make any sense at all?

Mayne it doesn't but that's how I'm feeling tonight. Don't get me wrong Mr. Ford read me scriptures tonight which was very nice and sweet. And he was willing to talk to me even though I was feeling overwhelmed and blah. So he's a nice guy a great grand gut and whatever. I'm just annoyed and also tired and confused and feeling very very blah tonight. 

Here's hoping for a better tomorrow. And maybe having work cancled.....

The burn out is real

Anyone else feel incredibly burnt out tonight? Just me? mm'kay... 

You know how good things can cause stress and overwhelming feelings? That's me right now. It's not that anything is bad or wrong or anything. I'm just burnt out... warn out and tired. 

I don't know why I always get this way when things are going well. Like all aspects of my life are good right now: 

I'm doing well in school, getting several baking orders, enjoying my job, getting to know Mr. Ford, all good things but some how I still feel overwhelmed by everything. Like it's too much, much too much. And that's really hard. 

The problem is that when I feel this way I always assume something is wrong. Or that I'm doing something wrong and then my anxiety explodes and I usually run away from whatever is newest. Which yes means at this moments it's Mr. Ford.... and I don't want to. But also I want to crawl into bed, under my covers and never come out again. 

I don't know it just feels like too much and I'm overwhelmed by my anxiety and it's the worst feeling. But I'm sure a good night's sleep and I'll be right as rain tomorrow. 

a good day must be remembered

Okay before you say anything just shut up haha okay? Okay! Thanks plenty. 

Alright, let me just say that I am dead right now. 1000% deceased, that's me. And yes it all is because of Mr. Ford haha. 

First of all let me just say that Mr. Ford is great. I listened in amusement as he was shopping in Walmart and I died. He was so polite, so nice to everyone. It was adorable. My favorite moment was when he met a female police officer and thanked her for her service and also talked about how cute her kids were- he even told them they have a great Mom. It was the sweetest thing I've ever heard in my life. I mean this guy is.... he's just so incredibly decent and kind and that was so apparent. 

Now to the juicy reasons I'm dead. After our earlier phone call he texted me 

(I swoon!) 

So I called him and together we read Jacob 3 and 4, firstly he could've totally tapped out at one chapter but he's a trooper so he didn't. Secondly he was so soothing to listen to read, it was clear he has read the book of Mormon several times. And thirdly he would pause as he read to share insights or testimony. It was wonderful! I very much enjoyed it and he even thanked me for reading with and including him in my studies. (dead) 

My favorite part was at the end, I mentioned that I usually end studies with a prayer and asked if he'd like to join. He said sure and I offered to say it. It was so nice to pray together- it was nice to pray with and for him. I hope it helped him feel seen, loved and valued. Because honestly he is a great guy. I am so impressed by him and who he is. Truly he is a special man and I'm so glad I'm getting to know him. 

Anyways to prevent forgetting I have now written my nonsense down and shall now go to sleep. 

one last post before I go to sleep

I know, I know my posting is super random and weird because I don't post much until I post three things in 1 day haha.

But here we are 11:30 at night, I can't sleep and hopefully getting these thoughts out of my head will help. 

Is this what dating is like? I mean as we've established I'm incredibly new to these things. But does the anxious feelings or the nervousness stop getting in the way of really connecting with another person? I feel like I spend so much of my time on the phone worried and stressed about what to say next or how dumb I sound that I end up miserable. I mean why do I do that? What the heck! 

It's the absolute worst!!! So how do I get past it?! How do I stop being such a nerd blossom on the phone and just talk to him, get to know him y'know? 

I definitely feel good about the insane list of questions from earlier. I think that's a step in the right direction. But also how else can I really get myself to a place where I'm not just talking to him but really connecting with him? 

Do you think he cares? Do you think when we're not talking he thinks about me? Does je stress about these phone calls and the awkward moments of silence or does it just not even mater to him? Ugh! S.O.S this is the worst and I feel super dumb. 

But I do like him. I really feel like he cares about me--like in a respectful type, genuine good person kind of way. Like he took time in his very busy schedule today to read my essay for school. I mean who does that? Like we've only been talking for a few weeks (only days via the phone). But he just so genuinely cares about people and wants to help them. I really like that about him.

I also like that he is thoughtful about so many things. He clearly is reflective about his life, his future, his dreams, who he's meant to be. It's interested to talk to someone who knows who he is and is moving toward his goals in life. He's way beyond man child. I also like that he has opinions or ideas different than mine and he's quick to share them, not contradictory but just being open and authentic. 

I also really respect how he spoke about his past relationship. So respectful, very aware of his own mistakes in its demise. He was just so aware of his flaws and has taken the entire experience and tried to make himself better because of it. That takes a great deal of humility and faith to do. I admire that about him already. 

I just had to say that I don't want to mess things up by being in my head to much. So tomorrow when we talk I'm going to try and be better. More expressive, more myself. I'm going to try and fight off the urges of throwing up and over analyzing everything I say and just act like I'm talking to my sister- completely myself and knowing that no mater what she wants to talk to me. 

"Not" the reason

*posted from my drafts just because*

I recently was able to go to a friend's house and paint their nails before they went on a trip. I brought all my colors and my sparkles and the whole caboodle. And then they got the make their choices. One went with a pale pink and the other a sparkly pink. (Origional I know, but that's not the point.) 

The thought for this post came when my friend, debating between a bold orange sparkly polish and the sweet sparkly pink one. And over again she said, "I'm just not bold enough to wear this color." 

How often do we use the "not enough" or "not at all" to base our decisions? I'm not bold enough, I'm not brave enough, not creative enough, not talented, not, not, not. Over and over again we use what we are not to base our choices. But is that the best way? 

Should we really make our decisions with what we aren't as our motivation? Would it be better to make our choices based on who are are or what we actually like? I prefer pink to orange so I'm going with the pink polish vs. I'm not bold enough for this color. I really enjoy watching people perform so I'm not going to be in the talent show vs I'm not talented enough to be up on the stage. 

Maybe it's because it's easier to know what we aren't rather than who we are. It's easier to say I'm not than to admit that who we are may just not conform to societal norms. And is it really kind to constantly point out what we are not. Are we hurting ourselves as we do this? 

Dating

This is just on my mind so I gotta get it out of my thoughts and onto paper (so to speak). 

I recently redownloaded a dating app. *shudder* I know! But I'd just had my birthday and I couldn't help but feel like it was time to try again and really try this time around. So I went for it and I made a few matches, nothing really interesting but it was fine. Then I met Mr. Ford (not his real name, obvi, but he just ended a job at Ford so). 

Mr Ford is nice and cute and charming. We've talked online and then this week we started phone calls. It was exciting and also terrifying. I haven't told anyone except my MTC companion about him because I just don't need the pressure. 

Last night Mr. Ford finally asked the dreaded question: What are you looking for in dating right now? Yikes!!! 

So what am I looking for right now? I don't know. The truth is this is all so new and unexpected. I haven't done a lot of dating, I mean I went on my first date after I'd finished my mission and I've only had maybe 1 boyfriend (if you combine my two three date relationships that ended in disaster). I've never been kissed, never said "I love you", never really had a boyfriend. So this is all so new. 

I know myself and my anxiety and insecurities that I don't want to rush into anything. I want to take my sweet time, so there is time to develop trust and friendship before the physical attraction gets involved. Besides as you know I have quite the anxieties around physical intimacy which I haven't been able to work past yet. 

So I don't know what this all boils down to other than I want someone with me who can be patient. Who gets that I'm terrified that a relationship will just blow up in my face. That I'll be hurt and that my already struggling trust for men will be shattered forever. I want to know someone and have them know me and completely trust each other. To care about each other beyond our relationship that even if it ends well still want the other person to succeed and find happiness. 

I don't know what I'm gonna say on the phone tonight when Mr. Ford and I talk. But I'm sure it'll be awkward and stressful for me.... here's hoping getting these thoughts out of my head helps me focus a little better today.