Love Letter to a Stranger

Dear Hot Neighbour,

In the desperate attempt to find you I send out this post. Like smoke signals into the sky from the midst of a forest. Will it ever reach you? Probably (and hopefully) not cause that would be embarrassing... Hahaha 😅 

I've seen you exactly 4 times. The first you were mowing the lawn *swoon* I accidentally drove by twice, it wasn't because I was creeping (I'm serious I forgot something at home and had to go back) but I did enjoy the second look. The next time I saw you I was biking with my Mom. You walked past and we smiled and waved at each other and the customary "Hi" was mumbled. The final time I saw you, I walked by (again with my Mom) you were talking to some neighbours and loving on their puppy. This time we made eye contact, I broke it first I was embarrassed.... but I felt like I was walking on air knowing you'd noticed me. 

I haven't seen you since, but it's been warm so most people having been hiding indoors. I mean, maybe you went back to wherever you came from. I'm kinda hoping there's a chance we'll run into one another again. Afterall we live on the same block so it's possible. But what would it matter if we did, if all I do is watch you from afar? 

Here's my promise mystery hot neighbour, if you show up in my life again. If we're passing by and I see you, If you're outside as I walk by... I'll say something to you. More than the mumbled "Hi" I'll introduce myself maybe try to make a joke. I can promise it'll be awkward. I can promise I'll be embarrassed. But I'll do it! Because I'm learning that in life and in love if you're never brave enough to take the chance and run the risk of failing you'll never succeed. 

Well hot Neighbour, thank you for existing on my block. I really meant what I said, you have inspired me to be a little bolder and a little braver. 

Until we meet again,

Love your *not a stalker* neighbour 

An open letter to a BFF

Dear Friend,

Our friendship sure isn't perfect. I don't expect it to be. But it's good. It's the greatest blessing in my life. After all the time we've know each other I feel more like sisters than friends. I don't know how to tell you every part of what I feel. I am just so grateful to be you're friend and to have you in my life. 

You've changed me in ways you couldn't imagine. I think of you a dozen times throughout the day. Between the inside jokes and all the little things that bring you to my mind. I've learned how to love from you. I've learned how to serve and care about people. I wouldn't be who I am without you. 

Sometimes I forget you're not perfect. I forget you have other friends and can't spend all your time with me. I forget sometimes.... but I never forget how much you mean to me. I never forget the good times we've had together. I never forget the laughter between us and the safety of you're hugs. I can't forget the inside jokes and special memories. I may forget the important dates or events in you're life.... I guess sometimes I forget I'm not perfect either. 

I'm lonely without you. I miss you when you blow off or don't reach out. But I soar sky high when you text me or get me flowers. I know you're busy but it hurts me... Sometimes I feel less like a best friend and more like a backup friend. I feel forgotten by you, by everyone. I know I'm exhausting to be around... I'm sorry. I know I'm sensitive and emotional. I know I'm a mess right now. But I have feelins and needs.... and honestly they don't feel met. It hurts, but then again I guess sometimes friendship hurts. 

I'm gonna try to be more patient with you. I'll try to remember that you have you're own life and it doesn't make you love me less. I'll stop complaining about expectations that go unmet. I'll try to be better, kinder and more loving.... and hopefully things will get better. If not... well I love you anyway and I'm not giving up on us. 

Love a friend. 

Lonely, I'm mister Lonely.

Being the youngest at the gastro is always interesting. Being checked in too, people always kinda squint at you.... it's just too weird. But anyways not about that. 

Let's talk about loneliness and friendship. I am a lone lonely loner. And it's been a little rough lately. I have literally like 1 friend in this area beyond my family. Which is fine by me but also makes me, maybe a little codependant on her friendship. 

Here's the thing I've been blown off so many times and recently it's been like a weekly accourance. The hard part is for some of the blow off it's been not my choice but somehow still blamed on me. 

The straw that broke the camel's back? Today I had asked to hang out and instead of saying she can't she just didn't respond until I hear from my brother that infact he is hanging out with her today. Ouch! Whelp, this doesn't feel so good. 

It's hard feeling like a substitute person in my friendships. It's hard to feel alone and want someone to love and support you, but it feels like there's no one. I mean I have my family and I love that. They are super supportive and kind and I love them. But sometimes I want someone outside my family to care about me. 

I think it's part of being single honestly. There comes a time when, after being single for a few years, you start to think that maybe there just is no one. You're gonna be a single and a lonely for always. I know that's not realistic and probably not true but boy oh boy it feels that way. There's a lot of insecurities about my desirability from living with a chronic illness. Sometimes I think it's better I stay alone because then I never drag anyone down with me. 

Well.... I'm just venting and trying to process my loneliness. I'm sure I'll be posting again before you know it but.. until then thanks for listening.