Anxiety

WARNING! THE FOLLOWING INCLUDES A DESCRIPTION OF AN ANXIETY ATTACK! 

*deep breath in* RUN *deep breath out* ESCAPE *breath in* UNSAFE *out* YOU HAVE TO GET OUT!!! 

What is happening?!.... unexplained, terrifying, loss of control, fear- uncontrollable fear. This was my experience going to a YSA activity last night. 

I went outside and cried on the drive way. I tried to breath. Tried to think. Tried to calm myself down...I couldn't... I was in danger. I was afraid. I was alone. I needed to get away. I decided to leave, just gotta get home. I need to get home... home.... I needed help. 

I calmed myself, wiped my face went inside. Couldn't breath, can't think... can't stay. 

My friend followed me back out. 

"Are you okay?" I'm crying again, crying before she finished her sentence. I can't breath. Can't think. I need to run! Run where? I don't know. I'm not safe! Fear, doubt. I'm lost, alone. She hugs me. I cry, she cries. I try to breath, she just holds on. I apologize over and over. She holds me. 

I am empty, exhausted. My breathing has steadied. My heart beat slowed. I can think again.... I have control again. 

This was an anxiety attack. Not my first, but by far the worst in quite some time. Looking back I can remember the fear and confusion. But I also think, what on earth? You were fine. You made such a fool of yourself, crying in the drive way. Hope the neighbors didn't see. But thoughts, clarity, understanding that doesn't exist when anxiety is screaming: RUN! HIDE! ESCAPE! YOU'RE TRAPPED! THIS IS BAD! Nothing in that moment makes sense, only the feelings. There is nothing but fear and doubt. 

Anxiety is real. It can be scary. But remember you are not alone. You are loved. You are seen. You can make it through this. I believe in you.... 

From one anxious chick to another; hang in there! 

Be the one that honks

I was driving down the road, it had been a long day. I'd spent a lot of time on the road and I was ready for the day to end. When I saw out my window two boys waving from the sidewalk, gesturing for those driving by to honk. So without really thinking I honked my horn and smiled as their excitement grew and the jumped up and down grabbing at each other because they'd gotten me to honk. 

Now I don't know how many drivers honked as they passed, I hope lots did. But I know most cars along side me didn't. And why not? It wasn't hard to do, it didn't harm anyone in fact it was something that could easily be done without much thought at all. So why don't we just always honk?

I believe that there are two main reasons why we forget to honk. The first because we don't see it as important or meaningful. If it doesn't matter why do it? I don't think honking for those boys is something they will remember forever honestly I think they forgot about me the moment I drove past. But I haven't forgotten, for a small moment I sent some good into the world. I sent just a bit of kindness out and we don't really now just what affect that will have. You see, I think as a society we have become ultra focused on our lasting impact, WE WANT TO CHANGE THE FUTURE! But along the way we forget that our small actions, things that seemly don't matter can change someone's day. So maybe instead of focusing on changing the future we just focus on today. Change today, make it good and beautiful and be grateful for it. And along the way I believe we will change the future in ways we will never expect. 

The second reason I think we don't honk is because we are hyper focused on ourselves. All we see is us, our drive home, the work ahead or behind and we miss the things around us. On my mission we called it: 'being quick to observe.' I remember a story my Mission President told about a group of missionaries so focused on each other and being together that 2 complete strangers walked right through their midst without a single word from the missionaries. Are we like that? Completely oblivious of those around us? Those who ask so little of us, just a honk, a smile and kind word. With every struggle we face it's easy to see how we could simple miss our opportunity to help someone else. 

I invite you to be the one who honks! Focus on today, open your eyes and see those around you. Spread kindness like glitter so it never truly leaves us.