Oh you know, just another emotional break down

You can probably guess the content of this post due to the title.... So let's jump right in!

And of course we'll start with a story.
A few weeks ago I got a little cold, it was right after my infusion too. Needless to say I've been in a flare since. I contacted my Dr and he had me do the standard blood and stool tests. Results? Normal, of course. *long sigh*

Thankfully my Dr pulled some strings and got me an appointment with him for this week. #blessed So I drove to my appointment and went to the desk to check in. Turns out somehow the days got mixed up and I'd missed it.

The poor receptionist I'm sure thought I was a crazy person because I didn't hold it together very well. I got another appointment in March! Went to my car and cried my eyes out. I even called my parents and cried at them.

It was a mess!! I also felt kinda stupid. I mean how irrational is it to be crying over a missed appointment. But honestly it was just my breaking point, between the pain and discomfort and lack of sleep I wasn't feeling very stable.

But here's the thing; was it really irrational to express the emotions I was feeling? I'm thinking no. Maybe my belief that someone my Dr was gonna be able to fix everything was irrational. But expressing the emotions you are feeling in a safe and controlled way is good and very healthy.

You need to acknowledge and validate these feelings. It's only right and it's only fair to yourself. But then we act!! We don't just sit there depressed and crying forever. We do something about it. For me I went to the store bought some nature sleep aids, bubble bath, food... things that I can control. That's what we need to focus on especially when things get bad.

So if your in a bad moment, bad day or bad week hang in there. Control what you can. And let the emotions you feel flow through you. It's gonna be alright.

January Book

So for the new year I set a goal to read 1 meaningful book each month. And my meaningful I'm taking not a fictional fluffy YA novel, which is my usual choice. I also define meaningful as something that makes me feel inspired or motivated. I just wanna be moved you know?
So I started my goal strong by reading Let It Go: A True Story of Tragedy and Forgiveness by Chris Williams.

Which you can learn more about on goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/15718698-let-it-go

However if you don't wanna do that here's the skinny: Chris Williams along with his pregnant wife and 3 of his 4 children were in a tragic drink driving accident. He survived as did one of his children. After the accident he responded with forgiveness and encouraged all who hear his story to react with love and not hate.

This was truly a powerful story and it really did touch my heart. I finished it while I was sitting at a YMCA and there were definitely some tears shed. Truly I was moved and inspired. The idea that someone could face such an incredible tragedy and not turn to despair and hate. Now he did have his moments and he acknowledged that but he also didn't stay there.

Since getting sick feelings of crushing depression and anxiety have become old friends of mine. And I'm learning slowly but surely that these feeling are real and valid. The wrong response is belittling and punishing yourself for being human and having struggles. The better response is to let them come, cry it out, listen to these feelings. But then wipe you're eyes, let those feelings go and get back up.

Another lesson illustrated in this book was Chris never blamed anyone or anything for what happened. And he never turned against God. He always saw God's love even in the tragedy he faced. And he realized that the only person he could turn to in this trail was God. His humility was inspiring as was his ability to hold onto his faith. He never lost his trust in God's plan.

One of the real challenges I've faced while being sick and dealing with all of the firsts of chronic illness is my ability to truly trust God. I don't think there is a quick solution to trusting in God. Developing trust in God comes from frequent and consistent experiences with Him. I believe trust comes from our  relationship to Him. The ability to submit fully to his will is also something I believe must be learned, so it too takes time. My ability to trust him is still strained but I'm holding onto what I know and waiting for the answers to what I don't.

Overall I'd give this book a 10/10! If you want a book that can inspire and make you cry a little bit then this is for you. If you want a book that teaches you about family, faith and forgiveness then this is for you. So give it a chance!