Heart sick

I'm outside in the middle of a bike ride, fun fact I reached my goal (of a few years haha😅) and finally biked all the way to the Library (YAY! Insert mild happy dance), but my heart is just to heavy to wait any longer. I have words and feelings just swirling around my mind and heart. If they don't get out I don't know what I'll do. 

The world is such a dark place right now. The pandemic, the loneliness, murders and riots.... there is just so much... so so much. In my own life there is confusion and heartache. Hurt feelings and misunderstandings. I just feel so beyond empty and lost and... And I don't know what to do. 

I don't know why there is so much darkness in the world. I just know it hurts. It hurts so much. I just hurt so much. (That's probably why I'm bleeding again... when the world gets too heavy the best way to deal is obviously to attack yourself internally *please note intense sarcasm*) That's not to say my suffering or sadness diminishes the suffering and sadness of other people. But it does suck that's for sure. (Frankly it sucks for everyone so... there's that) It really sucks.... And I feel so alone facing it. 

This post has no point. No cheer up moment when I point out the bright side and the blessings. This is just me right now saying my heartaches.... I hope the pain is lessened soon.... I hope the darkness gets a little brighter.... I hope you're hurt heals too. Until then, welcome to the life sucks club. 

A Word of Caution

I was planning to write this tomorrow, Saturday, morning. It is currently midnight and because of how it was pressing on my mind emotionally I decided I had better start right away. 

Recently I've been reminded of the fact that words hurt. I feel like you can't  hardly get on YouTube without someone getting called out for something they've said, cancel culture is huge right now. But even more close to home I've recently had an experienced that drove this matter right into my heart. During this pandemic many of us have been pretty homebound. My brother came over one night and I flippantly made a comment about him having "moobs." To me it was a joke, he also laughed and joked about needing to get back in shape. That was that, or so I thought. He did begin working out quite a bit and when he came over a while later he brought it up again. Still in the laughing tones but he talked about how that comment was the straw that broke the camel's back. That he felt he was getting "fat" and needed to change, all because of one thoughtless comment from his big sister. I was very upset and tried to back peddle. He then clarified that it goes back to his childhood, when he was 10 or so and was carrying a lot of babyfat before his growth spurt (he's over 6ft today), and the comments from his BEST FRIENDS calling him a little fatty, or saying that he's their chubby friend and making fun of his weight. He has never forgotten, it had hurt him and a single comment from me brought back all those insecurities. 

You know the old adage: "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me." Guess what? This is a lie! Words have the power to have as much emotional, physical and psychological damage as a well thrown punch. As we see with my little brother. So why do we tell ourselves that words can't hurt us? I think partially why is because then we can justify the things WE say. Because well, words can't hurt so if what I say upsets someone it's their problem. This saying removes my responsibility for the words I say and the affect they have on people. One of the the hardest parts in all this is that each of us can and have been the victim and the perpetrator. We've said things that have lasting negative impact and we've been told thing that have had a lasting impact on us in a harmful way. I am no exception from this; here are some quick examples that come to mind:

When I was about 10 or so I remember going to my Grandmas and as we drove we had the windows down and my hair obviously got pretty messed up. All of my life, up until about a year ago actually, I have had bangs. So you can probably imagine the extent of my bad hair day. I went downstairs to my cousins, who at the time because of certain situations in my life were my only friends. And I was immediately made fun of. They called me  mullet bangs and everyone laughted about what I looked like. Now I kept my bangs, I felt too insecure without them, for a long time despite this. But I never forgot and I never ever let myself be seen having a bad bang day again. 

Another more recent example happend on my mission. Sadly on my misson I had quite a few experiences where people said unkind things to me. And it affected my self esteem in a huge and deeply harmful way. The hardest part is the unkind things said often came from members or companions, people I deeply cared about. Here is just one experiences; I had a dear companion after I had hit half way. (Over 9 months on my mission) She and I would often sing together. I love to sing, although I have never had vocal training it just makes me happy. One Sunday this sister and I were doing studies and she was very upset about something. When we got to companion study I was trying to understand why she was upset and help her. After we had prayed and while sitting on the floor, she was weeping and I begged her to explain why she was so upset. This is what she told me: you sing so loudly at church and you sing off key, it hurts my ears and upsets me. I was shocked! I quickly apologized and told her I would really try to sing more quietly. We moved on, later that night I cried in the shower about it. A few weeks later after church I quietly asked her if my singing was less upsetting because I had been really trying to sing quietly. Not only did she seem surprised that I remembered she quickly tried to blow it off. I have never forgotten. I still love to sing, I even get myself to sing in the church choir. But I will never offer to sing a solo. I cannot accept complements on my singing because fankly once someone tells you you're singing is painful you assume everyone else is just being nice. 

There's more examples from my life, I have no doubt you could think of your fair share of examples. In the name of humour, or when we're upset, or just not thinking words are spoken that are not okay. Unkind comments are not okay just because we say them in a joke. They are not okay just because we say them online, faceless and nameless, in the comment section. Our words are as powerful as any stone we could throw. Maybe next time you are about to say something unkind to someone just throw a rock at them instead, then the damage is done. (Okay that was sarcasm please please don't throw rocks at people!!) Most of us are good people with only good intentions. But we all need to think before we speak, we can't be perfect but we can do our best to be kind. 

Please, please remember to be kind. That your words have power, so you need to choose them carefully. Because just like unkind and hurtful words can last forever so can loving and kind ones. You can choose right now, choose to do no harm in word or deed. And when you fail, be quick and sincere in your apology! Forgives and healing comes through the Master, the only one who is sinless and able to throw stones, but who won't. He will heal broken hearts, yours and those you've broken. Don't despair in your weakness or unkindness, just resolve to be better. Be kind everyone. Just be kind. 

Mental Health Awareness Month

Alright let's talk about Mental Illness. As many are, hopefully, aware May is Mental health awareness month. Mental health and well being is extremely important to me!! I have a handful of family members and close friends who struggle with their mental health, and as I mentioned in a prior blog post recently my cousin committed suicide. 

I too have struggled with my mental health at different times during my experiences being chronicly ill. 

The other day as I was scrolling through YouTube I happened on a video about the danger in our society of Romanticizing mental illness. To romanticize something according to the Webster dictionary means: "to make romantic: treat as idealized or heroic." And some synonyms are words like: "glamorize, idealize, glorify" 

I do beleive that there is some of this in our society. For example, the video I watched also referred to this, in the wildly popular TV show 13 Reasons Why you follow the aftermath of a suicide of a teenage girl. She sends these tapes explaining (blaming? Condemning?) to people in her life the role they played in her suicide. Then it follows how these characters are affected (traumatized?) by these tapes. The danger is the show portrays Hannah (the girl who committed suicide) as being there. Witnessing how these people are affected by her actions. 

News flash!! When you commit suicide you are gone, you do not get to see how this hurts the people around you. And believe me it does hurt them. You don't get to witness their change or live on despite you're death. You are gone. The end. Suicide as a way to help people change, or a tool for revenge is a sick portrayal of the true illness that leads to such a decision. 

I refuse to believe that my cousin who loved his mother and father, his sibblings, his wife and his children would take his life as a way to "get back at them" for any perceived injustice he felt or to help them somehow "improve" themselves. He did it because he has severe depression. He had lost hope and saw no other way to escape the pain and despair he was experiencing. In this way I do beleive society can be harmful, downright toxic, in this aspect of mental illness. 

Another aspect of "Romanticizing" this video brought up was having multiple people (predominantly) YouTubers sharing "I have anxiety" or "I'm depressed" and the video goes off on the: DO YOU HAVE A DIAGNOSIS?! argument that always seems to follow these things. This specifically bothered me, because I've talked about my struggles with anxiety before with friends or family and I don't want to be part of a problem for others who face greater mental illness struggles. Now YouTubers aside, I don't think most people see anxiety or depression as big money makers. So I'm going to leave YouTubers and their choices in the corner. 

So let's discuss this; my mother is a therapist, she has a masters in Marriage and Family therapy. So I brought this issue up to her and she tried to help me understand this idea of diagnosis here's what she explained: 

Diagnosis: means there is a disorder (i.e. depressive disorder) 

To have a disorder you're struggles with this specific mental illness (i.e. anxiety) must be severe enough to be disrupting daily living. 

But mental health is a spectrum and you can struggle on that spectrum it's simply a matter of where on the spectum you find yourself. Most therapist don't want to label and diagnosis because it's completely subjective to your current therapist and can be potentially harmful in the long run. Within the medical treatment of mental illness a diagnosis is required for medication treatments. However! A therapist can treat you without a diagnosis, they may make assumptions about what your "ailment" is and they will offer therapy based on symptoms and what is most effective for treatment of certain illnesses. Seeking a diagnosis is a personal journey, one that is individual for each person. And only as affective/helpful and they feel it is. 

So there you have it! You may not have an anxiety disorder but struggling with anxiety and being open about it is valid. In my case, following my diagnosis with ulcerative colitis I was incredibly anxious. 

At one point I was home alone and started to have a panic attack, I called a close friend simply asking for her to breath with me. I was drowning and begging for a life preserver. She responded quickly, more that just breathing with me she dropped everything and came over. She held me and didn't leave until my family got home. At times I was so crippled with fear all I could do was cry. It took time but as my body tried to heal so did my mind. I believe that there is a real possibility this anxiety will be something I struggle with all of my life, just like my illness. 

Now let's finish this concern with "romanticizing" mental illness. I think it comes down to motivation: if you share information about your illness (physical or mental) because you want to raise awareness then that's good. Awareness is important, people don't understand things they don't know anything about. So sometimes you just gotta talk about it. If you talk about it for attention, praise or fame that's less good. I get it we all want to be seen but it's more important, especially with mental illness to be heard. If people hear you their hearts will be touched and the world can be changed. But if all they do is see? Well, when they look away you're out of sight and therefore out of mind. And heres a little pro-tip, if you worry about whether or not you're doing thing's (being sick, having symptoms, cancelling plans, talking about you're struggles) for attention there's a 98% change you're not. If you were you wouldn't care. 

So to sum up; 1. STOP JUDGING PEOPLE! Just try to be kind, please! I'm begging you. If someone is talking about their mental illness and in the back of your mind you think, "gee what attention seekers" or "where is their diagnosis" Well all I'm gonna say is: "check yourself before you wreck yourself!" Listen to them, validate them and try to help them if you can. 2. MODERN MEDIA OFTEN DOES ROMATICIZE METAL ILLNESS! Don't buy into the lies. If you are struggling get help! Suicide is not romantic, heroic, idealic. Suicide is not the answer! SUICIDE CRISIS LINE 1-800-273-8255. If your are struggling reach out and get help! If you're worried about someone you love, don't hesitate to call 911 and send help to them. 

3. MOTIVE IS THE ANSWER TO NOT ROMATICIZING MENTAL ILLNESS. Check you're motive when you share you're story. Awareness=good. Attention=not so good. And of you just feel like you want to share it? You don't have a clear reason why, then do it! 

The biggest answer to mental illness is Love. Love someone enough to listen to them. Love them enough to see the warning signs and get help for them. Love yourself enough to get help if you're struggling. Love the world. Spread kindness wherever you can and someday we will overcome this illness. 

Not bad day, but maybe a weird one?

So today I peed my pants. Yup, no joke. There I was hurrying to the toilet, not as fast as I could cause I didn't think I  needed to pee all that bad. When suddenly I was peeing, as in peeing my pants.... as in I literally peed myself! What is my life coming to that now I pee myself trying to get to the toilet? Oh good grief, can you imagine what it'll be like after I've had kids? Or, mercy, while I'm pregnant?!? 

Well, life goes on, you change your cloths, wash yourself off and go on with your day. So if today you peed yourself, or walked naked in front of a Zoom class/meeting, if you stepped in dog doo, or ate chocolate bars for dinner; it's okay. You're doing alright!! Far better than you may beleive. 

If I've learned anything from all my 23 years of life, which in 23 years I'm as close to as expert as I could be, it's that life is short, it's relatively simple and it can change in half a moment. Forgive yourself. Learn to laugh at yourself and the moments that just happen to all of us. Be patient with yourself, your choices, your mistakes. You are beautifully and wonderfully made and everyday is a gift to you. 

*this was supposed to be posted yesterday, I'm not sure why it didn't. 

10... no 15.... maybe 20? Ugh! That's to much back to 15

What started out as a simple idea of a 10 book recommendation list quickly became quite daunting and I realized that 10 simply wouldn't do. Instead here's my 15 Book recommendations for Quarantine:

Now I should preface this by saying, "book" in this post may infact refer to an entire book series, because honestly you have the time to read an entire series right now, trust me. Plus it gives my recommendation list a little more room. 

Finally before we break down this awesome list I have subdivided it into 3 minor categories: 1. Book series 2. Inspirational/self help 3. Stand alone 

And with that were ready to go! 

Book Seiries:

5. Percy Jackson and the Olympians; I was given the first book of this series as a birthday present and it was the best gift I could've been given! This series does follow the zainy antics of a 12 year old so it's not for everyone. But the chapter titled alone make this a huge hit and add much to the charm of the series. 

4. Michael Vey; This is a series I have both read had listened to with my family.  It's made my cry and laugh out loud. It's a total original and you'll enjoy every moment. 

3. Beyonders; You may recognise this author from his more well known series Fablehaven. However this slightly shorter series is more original in both plot and characters and therefore makes my list while fablehaven didn't. 

2. Lunar Chronicles; This series is life changing! Okay that was dramatic... But seriously it's princesses and rebels, true love and adventure, space and science. Truly I beleive one of the best book series of this generation. 

1. Harry Potter; How could this not be at the top of literally any and every list. This series taught me how to love reading. I learned about life, love, challenges and hope reading these books. They will always hold a special place in my heart and I read them each year. 

Inspiration/Self help: 

5. Last Lechture; After getting cancer he shares is life lessons so his children will have something left behind. It might make you cry but you'll also laugh and leave more hopeful and changed for the better.  

4. Where there's Hope; This is a collection of interviews where you learn about how to find hope no matter the challenges you face. 

3. Tuesday's with Morrie; I have read this one many times over. It's sweet and comforting, Morris feels like an old friend and his lessons are as relevant today as they were back then.

2. The Hiding Place; Corrie ten Boom is a personal hero of mine. She wasn't setting out to change the world she just knew what was right and decided she woild stand by it no matter what. That's the kind of woman I want to be. 

1. Mans Search for Meaning; Another favorite, there is inspiration in learning from another's experiences. There is power in the idea that even in Auschwitz concentration camp you can find purpose and meaning to your life. 

Stand alone Novels:

5. Across the Wide an Lonesome Prairie; I read this novel hinders of times as a young girl. It was and still is a favorite. Simple and charming. 

4. The Siren; A unique love story. Simple to the point and totally creative. You can't go wrong with that. 

3. A Wrinkle in Time; A true classic. The book is so much better than the movie. You learn about light and dark, the importance of choices and the power of love. 

2. The Five People You Meet in Heaven; Not the first by this author on my list, and there's a reason. Mitch Albom knows how to write! This book gives a powerful look at life after death. It shows how even if you don't realise it there is meaning to each moment of your life and the people in it. Eaxh life we touch and that touches ours changes it in ways we may never realize, in this life anyway. 

1. The Sun is also a Star; I didn't plan to love this book as much as I did. But for a love story this one is far above the rest. In the span of a single day you learn about love, life, purpose and fate. You may never see the far reaching aspects of your actions but what goes around comes around. 

This list is full of personal favorites, because I wouldn't be able to recommend anything less!! Each story has touched my mind and heart in ways I wasn't expecting. Each one I have gone back to time and again grateful for the escape, hope lessons and love I find in the pages. I hope you find something good to read (: 

Bonus short stories:

5. Green Eggs and Ham; Dr Seuss is another personal favorite. His stories teach children lessons. And are the most fun to read! 

4. If You Give a Mouse a Cookie; Lets be honest if you read this book you're gonna wanna eat cookie which means you'll have to bake cookies and that's always a win! 

3. The Giving Tree; Kindness is never out if style and for love you always have something to give. 

2. You are Special; Tissues needed for this book. Read it! Reread it! Learn it's message and let it change your life.

1. Harold and the Purple Crayon; The sky's not even the limit in this book! With a purple crayon and some imagination anything is possible!