To my Sister who has chosen to walk away from the church. I don't understand it. I don't understand how you can make this choice after all you've learned and done to stay faithful. I don't understand how you could watch your husband leave and be heartbroken about it only to follow him out, tho I do not blame him. You own this choice and I knoe that. I don't understand how you can turn your back on your covenants and the promises not only to God but from Him. Frankly I'm disappointed because I never thought you'd leave. It's selfish of me to say but truly I am disappointed in you and this choice you've made. I'm saddened by how it is going to change you, your future and our family and your family. I just want to scream that you are making the biggest mistake of your life and the worst part is I think part of you- deep down past all the hurt feelings and mental challenges and everything else knows. Knows that this isn't the right choice even if you feel it's the "right choice for you right now." If you're leaving because your husband hasn't come back then I would ask do you only believe and follow God when you get what you want from Him? If you're leaving because the people don't meet your expectations then I'd ask if you meet those expectations you hold others to?
Above all else I'd ask do you remember?
Driving to Grand Marais and shedding tears as we expressed love for the book of mormon and its power. As we expressed a deep hope and belief that in time your husband would find his way back. Remember Grandpa and everything he went through to find his to Jesus Christ and the temple? All the sadness and loss he family felt because it took cancer and death for him to get there? Remember testifying and teaching about God's love as missionary? And weeping tears of joy when the age of service was changes and you called us saying you were going to start working on your papers that very day? Remember the temple and the sealing covenants you've made- the promises that your marriage will last forever IF YOU KEEP YOUR COVENANTS? Remember the peace of girl's camp and the spirit of youth conferences? Do you remember listening to your grandmother share her testimony and her knowledge of God and Jesus Chirst and her going to church by herself on Sunday, regardless of her physical pain, of the road conditions or anything else. Because she knew- she knew that it was what she needed and where she needed to be. Do you remember the blessings of comfort and healing and power you've received throughout your life? The blessings you've seen received by others in your life?
If you don't remember then I beg you with all my heart and all my love to try. Please please try! Try to remember. If you do remember and don't care or can't right now then I'm sorry and my heart breaks for you... and your husband... and your children and grandchildren.... but mostly for you for how lost you've become.
And oh how I mourn... mourn the lives you could've changed, the experiences you could've had... I mourn the temple sessions we won't share and that you won't see me wear my white temple clothing and kneel across an alter and be sealed to my eternal companion. I mourn that I won't be able to turn to you as my spiritual strength as I have so many many times before. I mourn that I won't be able to turn to you asking for your prayers and faith in the same way as I face challenges. I mourn how this will change family gatherings and visits. How this will change the spirit I feel in your home and the saftey I find there. Above all else I mourn how this changes things between us even as we try not to let it even as we keep talking and trying and fighting because something will always be missing....
I love you. That's what this all boils down to all the hurt and rage and anger and sadness comes down to the unchanging fact that I love you. You are my best friend. You have taught and shaped the woman I've become. You are and always will be my favorite sister. I love you despite these choices and I will continue to fight and pray and weep and fast and hold tightly onto you. Because you mater and one day I know with all my heart and every fiber of my being you will, like the prodigal son, come to yourself- in this life or the next- and come back to our Father who loves you, the Savior who died for you and the Family that want to spend forever with you.
