Recently I've been reminded of the fact that words hurt. I feel like you can't hardly get on YouTube without someone getting called out for something they've said, cancel culture is huge right now. But even more close to home I've recently had an experienced that drove this matter right into my heart. During this pandemic many of us have been pretty homebound. My brother came over one night and I flippantly made a comment about him having "moobs." To me it was a joke, he also laughed and joked about needing to get back in shape. That was that, or so I thought. He did begin working out quite a bit and when he came over a while later he brought it up again. Still in the laughing tones but he talked about how that comment was the straw that broke the camel's back. That he felt he was getting "fat" and needed to change, all because of one thoughtless comment from his big sister. I was very upset and tried to back peddle. He then clarified that it goes back to his childhood, when he was 10 or so and was carrying a lot of babyfat before his growth spurt (he's over 6ft today), and the comments from his BEST FRIENDS calling him a little fatty, or saying that he's their chubby friend and making fun of his weight. He has never forgotten, it had hurt him and a single comment from me brought back all those insecurities.
You know the old adage: "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me." Guess what? This is a lie! Words have the power to have as much emotional, physical and psychological damage as a well thrown punch. As we see with my little brother. So why do we tell ourselves that words can't hurt us? I think partially why is because then we can justify the things WE say. Because well, words can't hurt so if what I say upsets someone it's their problem. This saying removes my responsibility for the words I say and the affect they have on people. One of the the hardest parts in all this is that each of us can and have been the victim and the perpetrator. We've said things that have lasting negative impact and we've been told thing that have had a lasting impact on us in a harmful way. I am no exception from this; here are some quick examples that come to mind:
When I was about 10 or so I remember going to my Grandmas and as we drove we had the windows down and my hair obviously got pretty messed up. All of my life, up until about a year ago actually, I have had bangs. So you can probably imagine the extent of my bad hair day. I went downstairs to my cousins, who at the time because of certain situations in my life were my only friends. And I was immediately made fun of. They called me mullet bangs and everyone laughted about what I looked like. Now I kept my bangs, I felt too insecure without them, for a long time despite this. But I never forgot and I never ever let myself be seen having a bad bang day again.
Another more recent example happend on my mission. Sadly on my misson I had quite a few experiences where people said unkind things to me. And it affected my self esteem in a huge and deeply harmful way. The hardest part is the unkind things said often came from members or companions, people I deeply cared about. Here is just one experiences; I had a dear companion after I had hit half way. (Over 9 months on my mission) She and I would often sing together. I love to sing, although I have never had vocal training it just makes me happy. One Sunday this sister and I were doing studies and she was very upset about something. When we got to companion study I was trying to understand why she was upset and help her. After we had prayed and while sitting on the floor, she was weeping and I begged her to explain why she was so upset. This is what she told me: you sing so loudly at church and you sing off key, it hurts my ears and upsets me. I was shocked! I quickly apologized and told her I would really try to sing more quietly. We moved on, later that night I cried in the shower about it. A few weeks later after church I quietly asked her if my singing was less upsetting because I had been really trying to sing quietly. Not only did she seem surprised that I remembered she quickly tried to blow it off. I have never forgotten. I still love to sing, I even get myself to sing in the church choir. But I will never offer to sing a solo. I cannot accept complements on my singing because fankly once someone tells you you're singing is painful you assume everyone else is just being nice.
There's more examples from my life, I have no doubt you could think of your fair share of examples. In the name of humour, or when we're upset, or just not thinking words are spoken that are not okay. Unkind comments are not okay just because we say them in a joke. They are not okay just because we say them online, faceless and nameless, in the comment section. Our words are as powerful as any stone we could throw. Maybe next time you are about to say something unkind to someone just throw a rock at them instead, then the damage is done. (Okay that was sarcasm please please don't throw rocks at people!!) Most of us are good people with only good intentions. But we all need to think before we speak, we can't be perfect but we can do our best to be kind.
Please, please remember to be kind. That your words have power, so you need to choose them carefully. Because just like unkind and hurtful words can last forever so can loving and kind ones. You can choose right now, choose to do no harm in word or deed. And when you fail, be quick and sincere in your apology! Forgives and healing comes through the Master, the only one who is sinless and able to throw stones, but who won't. He will heal broken hearts, yours and those you've broken. Don't despair in your weakness or unkindness, just resolve to be better. Be kind everyone. Just be kind.
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