Dear Mr. Ford

Mr. Ford, 

     Well, the crap hit the fan and bang goes that story. Honestly, I was really disappointed at first and frankly a little pissed because I was so impressed by you as a person. But not so much now. 

How could you give the "let's stay friends no matter what" blah blah blah. How charming and sweet I thought. He doesn't want us both to invest time and energy into something for it to just end when either of us decide that this isn't what we're looking for. Yet, here we are. Over two weeks ago you politely said, I don't have time for you anymore. But let's be friends and I haven't heard from you since. 

Maybe you're friends are different and blow each other off and or never talk to each other again (maybe you just meant let's stay Facebook friends? 🤔). I'm just disappointed in you. Because I put in a lot of effort to care about you, your life, your challenges, your dreams and goals. I sent you a package for goodness sake!!?! And I get a warning before the ghosting? 

I guess I understand being busy and I appreciated the warning beforehand. But it hurts. It hurts to be told I don't have time for you, and then for it to be true... because if you had time or cared about me as a person you would check in. I'm sad because that feeling hurts... it really hurts. But I guess lessons learned you really can't be friends with someone you "like"... or maybe you just can't be friends with dicks. 

All I'm gonna say to you directly Mr Ford is this: You're a bit of a douchebag. You need to learn to appreciate a good thing when it's right freaking infront of you. I do hope you find (or have already found and didn't have the balls to be honest about it) someone who you'll actually care about. And I hope that no one ever makes you feel like you don't matter.  Because no one should be treated that way. So thanks for nothing and peace out. 

Whelp

 Today Mr. Ford officially sent his "thanks but no thanks." 

You ever feel like it you expect disappointment you won't be disappointed? I'm usually pretty good at having realistic expectations for everything... except boys haha. 

I'm playing it cool to everyone in my family (thank goodness I didn't tell hardly anyone). I fine, it's not a big deal. I'm over it. Boys are dumb anyway. Come on are we really that surprised that I managed to botch another relationship attempt? 

Truth is though.... this is crushing. Not just because I liked him, I did. But because getting to know him and talking to him made me happy and gave me a hope for a future that I'd sort of decided wouldn't happen anytime soon (if even in my life time). And it's fine, I get it he's busy and needs some space. But I also just wish things happened a little differently. I mean... the last time we spoke things just felt off- probably because he was tired and just felt obligated to talk. 

I'm just sad because I'm not sure what the future holds and the future I hoped for feels farther away than ever. 

substitute people

One of my favoirte movies is Elizabethtown. It is pretty unknown and a little odd but that's probably why I like it haha. In that movie Claire, the main female character shares this thought:

“You and I have a special talent,” Claire says to Drew. “And I saw it immediately. We’re the substitute people. I’ve been the substitute person my whole life. I’m not an Ellen [a co-worker Drew was into]. I never wanted to be an Ellen. And I’m not a Cindy either … I like being alone too much. I mean, I’m with a guy who is married to his academic career. I rarely see him and I’m the substitute person there. I like it that way. It’s a lot less pressure.”

The idea of being a substitute person has resonated with me since I first heard it. I'd explain a substitute person as someone who you choose when your first option bails. In my life I am constantly treated like a substitute person and I DON'T LIKE IT! I'm so sick of being a substitute for others. 

My best friend growing up perpetually treats me like a substitute person. When she's not busy, when it's convenient for her, always on her time and schedule we hang out or we talk. But our relationship is purely surface level she doesn't talk to me about her life or her hopes or dreams and then she blows me off. And being the substitute person stinks. 

And just last night I was sitting in bed at 11whatever not sleeping and thinking about how I feel like a substitute person with Mr Ford right now too. He's too busy to talk so we don't (until he has a free moment then I drop everything to talk to him), he's to busy to text so we don't (until he has something to say), he was too busy for me to come visit so I didn't come (but I should plan to visit him is MS once he's settled). It's beyond frustrating!!! I feel mad and sad and annoyed all at once. 

The thing is I don't think people intentionally treat others like substitute people. And maybe there is a talent or something about me that makes me a better substitute person for others. But the truth is it hurts. It hurts to feel like I don't matter to other people and like I constantly put in more effort than others do. I mean, how hard is it really to text someone? How hard is it to ask someone how they are doing? It's not hard! Like what the actual heck?! It's so easy to treat someone well and be kind to them. And for the love of all things if they matter to you, even if only a little bit, how hard is it to tell and show them that? 

Basically I'm tired of being the substitute person. But I'm not totally sure how to stop being the substitute person.... so for now this substitute person is going to sign off. 

bored

         Here I am again... typing out my thoughts because if I don't get them out of my head I'll probably explode. I'm sitting in the hospital for my I.V. app, routine nbd but it feels like its taking 100xs longer. Probably is in part because I'm fatter than I've ever been, so that's fun. (in like a really not fun sort of way) actually it stinks and makes me want to cry and also throw up. 

        I'm not disgusting and I am menstruating's so that could totally be part of the weight increase. But it is beyond discouraging. I mean eww!! Why am I so fat and gross? I know, I know. Fat doesn't equal ugly or anything else but I hate how out of control I feel because of my weight. I just want to feel pretty and healthy and attractive and in-control. But honestly, sometimes that feels impossible. 

        I don't know... I am just so discouraged. I don't know how to gain control without: limiting what and how much I eat and then working out like crazy. But when my body hurts the way it does (I'm rocking an awesome headache and neck ache right now) I don't feel like working out and that's the worst. I just wish I was skinny and healthy.... it's just the legit worst but also it is what it is a suppose. 

Butterflies and high hopes

 I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna visit Mr. Ford before he leaves! Ahhh! O.o I know!!! I'm terrified and excited and nervous all at once. 

He sorta invited me to come... and I'm just going for it. Because I really feel like whatever comes of it I'll have proven to myself that I CAN DO THIS! 

So after a lot of back and forth and craziness I've decided to go out over Easter weekend. Ahh! I know. I'll find an AirBnB that's near him and then we'll finally meet. Is this crazy? Probably. But also... this feels like a natural and right next step. It feels good to be taking this chance and opening the door to possibilities. 

*UPDATE* Mr. Ford has politely asked to cancel. Somehow I'm disappointed and also relieved. I understand with everything he's dealing with that this is a lot to add to his plate. I just want to help him, who knows maybe I'll bake him cookies and send a package instead. 

ugh double ugh

Today was better and then I was worse and now I'm here because I gotta put all this "blah" somewhere.... so here goes.

Mr. Ford is still talking to other girls. One in particular that he almost went to see for a date when his trip was cut short.... so there's that. And I get it, we aren't dating and he owes me literally less than nothing (okay maybe genuin human decency but beyond that not much)

And if our goal is truly to become friends it really shouldn't matter but it does. It matters because I'm not talking to other people. I don't have time to talk to other boys- heck I've not answered my phone when I'm talking to him because I want to stay genuinely invested. So maybe I pull it back a little. 

Mayne I need to get back on Mutual and try to connect with some other guys. Maybe I don't need to talk to Mr. Ford everyday on the phone. Yknow? Maybe it's time I stop hyper focusing on this not-relationship/relationship and instead focus on me. My life, my goals, my priorities because clearly he's focused on his. 

Ugh! What the actual heck! This stinks!!!! I'm bummed and also my blah feelings go past just Mr. Ford.... life just feels like a lot. It feels like too much. Between baking and school and everything else with work and trying to find an apartment. It's just so much and a sully boy feels like an unnecessary addition to an already busy plate. Does that make any sense at all?

Mayne it doesn't but that's how I'm feeling tonight. Don't get me wrong Mr. Ford read me scriptures tonight which was very nice and sweet. And he was willing to talk to me even though I was feeling overwhelmed and blah. So he's a nice guy a great grand gut and whatever. I'm just annoyed and also tired and confused and feeling very very blah tonight. 

Here's hoping for a better tomorrow. And maybe having work cancled.....

The burn out is real

Anyone else feel incredibly burnt out tonight? Just me? mm'kay... 

You know how good things can cause stress and overwhelming feelings? That's me right now. It's not that anything is bad or wrong or anything. I'm just burnt out... warn out and tired. 

I don't know why I always get this way when things are going well. Like all aspects of my life are good right now: 

I'm doing well in school, getting several baking orders, enjoying my job, getting to know Mr. Ford, all good things but some how I still feel overwhelmed by everything. Like it's too much, much too much. And that's really hard. 

The problem is that when I feel this way I always assume something is wrong. Or that I'm doing something wrong and then my anxiety explodes and I usually run away from whatever is newest. Which yes means at this moments it's Mr. Ford.... and I don't want to. But also I want to crawl into bed, under my covers and never come out again. 

I don't know it just feels like too much and I'm overwhelmed by my anxiety and it's the worst feeling. But I'm sure a good night's sleep and I'll be right as rain tomorrow.