“You and I have a special talent,” Claire says to Drew. “And I saw it immediately. We’re the substitute people. I’ve been the substitute person my whole life. I’m not an Ellen [a co-worker Drew was into]. I never wanted to be an Ellen. And I’m not a Cindy either … I like being alone too much. I mean, I’m with a guy who is married to his academic career. I rarely see him and I’m the substitute person there. I like it that way. It’s a lot less pressure.”
The idea of being a substitute person has resonated with me since I first heard it. I'd explain a substitute person as someone who you choose when your first option bails. In my life I am constantly treated like a substitute person and I DON'T LIKE IT! I'm so sick of being a substitute for others.
My best friend growing up perpetually treats me like a substitute person. When she's not busy, when it's convenient for her, always on her time and schedule we hang out or we talk. But our relationship is purely surface level she doesn't talk to me about her life or her hopes or dreams and then she blows me off. And being the substitute person stinks.
And just last night I was sitting in bed at 11whatever not sleeping and thinking about how I feel like a substitute person with Mr Ford right now too. He's too busy to talk so we don't (until he has a free moment then I drop everything to talk to him), he's to busy to text so we don't (until he has something to say), he was too busy for me to come visit so I didn't come (but I should plan to visit him is MS once he's settled). It's beyond frustrating!!! I feel mad and sad and annoyed all at once.
The thing is I don't think people intentionally treat others like substitute people. And maybe there is a talent or something about me that makes me a better substitute person for others. But the truth is it hurts. It hurts to feel like I don't matter to other people and like I constantly put in more effort than others do. I mean, how hard is it really to text someone? How hard is it to ask someone how they are doing? It's not hard! Like what the actual heck?! It's so easy to treat someone well and be kind to them. And for the love of all things if they matter to you, even if only a little bit, how hard is it to tell and show them that?
Basically I'm tired of being the substitute person. But I'm not totally sure how to stop being the substitute person.... so for now this substitute person is going to sign off.
No comments:
Post a Comment