a good day must be remembered

Okay before you say anything just shut up haha okay? Okay! Thanks plenty. 

Alright, let me just say that I am dead right now. 1000% deceased, that's me. And yes it all is because of Mr. Ford haha. 

First of all let me just say that Mr. Ford is great. I listened in amusement as he was shopping in Walmart and I died. He was so polite, so nice to everyone. It was adorable. My favorite moment was when he met a female police officer and thanked her for her service and also talked about how cute her kids were- he even told them they have a great Mom. It was the sweetest thing I've ever heard in my life. I mean this guy is.... he's just so incredibly decent and kind and that was so apparent. 

Now to the juicy reasons I'm dead. After our earlier phone call he texted me 

(I swoon!) 

So I called him and together we read Jacob 3 and 4, firstly he could've totally tapped out at one chapter but he's a trooper so he didn't. Secondly he was so soothing to listen to read, it was clear he has read the book of Mormon several times. And thirdly he would pause as he read to share insights or testimony. It was wonderful! I very much enjoyed it and he even thanked me for reading with and including him in my studies. (dead) 

My favorite part was at the end, I mentioned that I usually end studies with a prayer and asked if he'd like to join. He said sure and I offered to say it. It was so nice to pray together- it was nice to pray with and for him. I hope it helped him feel seen, loved and valued. Because honestly he is a great guy. I am so impressed by him and who he is. Truly he is a special man and I'm so glad I'm getting to know him. 

Anyways to prevent forgetting I have now written my nonsense down and shall now go to sleep. 

one last post before I go to sleep

I know, I know my posting is super random and weird because I don't post much until I post three things in 1 day haha.

But here we are 11:30 at night, I can't sleep and hopefully getting these thoughts out of my head will help. 

Is this what dating is like? I mean as we've established I'm incredibly new to these things. But does the anxious feelings or the nervousness stop getting in the way of really connecting with another person? I feel like I spend so much of my time on the phone worried and stressed about what to say next or how dumb I sound that I end up miserable. I mean why do I do that? What the heck! 

It's the absolute worst!!! So how do I get past it?! How do I stop being such a nerd blossom on the phone and just talk to him, get to know him y'know? 

I definitely feel good about the insane list of questions from earlier. I think that's a step in the right direction. But also how else can I really get myself to a place where I'm not just talking to him but really connecting with him? 

Do you think he cares? Do you think when we're not talking he thinks about me? Does je stress about these phone calls and the awkward moments of silence or does it just not even mater to him? Ugh! S.O.S this is the worst and I feel super dumb. 

But I do like him. I really feel like he cares about me--like in a respectful type, genuine good person kind of way. Like he took time in his very busy schedule today to read my essay for school. I mean who does that? Like we've only been talking for a few weeks (only days via the phone). But he just so genuinely cares about people and wants to help them. I really like that about him.

I also like that he is thoughtful about so many things. He clearly is reflective about his life, his future, his dreams, who he's meant to be. It's interested to talk to someone who knows who he is and is moving toward his goals in life. He's way beyond man child. I also like that he has opinions or ideas different than mine and he's quick to share them, not contradictory but just being open and authentic. 

I also really respect how he spoke about his past relationship. So respectful, very aware of his own mistakes in its demise. He was just so aware of his flaws and has taken the entire experience and tried to make himself better because of it. That takes a great deal of humility and faith to do. I admire that about him already. 

I just had to say that I don't want to mess things up by being in my head to much. So tomorrow when we talk I'm going to try and be better. More expressive, more myself. I'm going to try and fight off the urges of throwing up and over analyzing everything I say and just act like I'm talking to my sister- completely myself and knowing that no mater what she wants to talk to me. 

"Not" the reason

*posted from my drafts just because*

I recently was able to go to a friend's house and paint their nails before they went on a trip. I brought all my colors and my sparkles and the whole caboodle. And then they got the make their choices. One went with a pale pink and the other a sparkly pink. (Origional I know, but that's not the point.) 

The thought for this post came when my friend, debating between a bold orange sparkly polish and the sweet sparkly pink one. And over again she said, "I'm just not bold enough to wear this color." 

How often do we use the "not enough" or "not at all" to base our decisions? I'm not bold enough, I'm not brave enough, not creative enough, not talented, not, not, not. Over and over again we use what we are not to base our choices. But is that the best way? 

Should we really make our decisions with what we aren't as our motivation? Would it be better to make our choices based on who are are or what we actually like? I prefer pink to orange so I'm going with the pink polish vs. I'm not bold enough for this color. I really enjoy watching people perform so I'm not going to be in the talent show vs I'm not talented enough to be up on the stage. 

Maybe it's because it's easier to know what we aren't rather than who we are. It's easier to say I'm not than to admit that who we are may just not conform to societal norms. And is it really kind to constantly point out what we are not. Are we hurting ourselves as we do this? 

Dating

This is just on my mind so I gotta get it out of my thoughts and onto paper (so to speak). 

I recently redownloaded a dating app. *shudder* I know! But I'd just had my birthday and I couldn't help but feel like it was time to try again and really try this time around. So I went for it and I made a few matches, nothing really interesting but it was fine. Then I met Mr. Ford (not his real name, obvi, but he just ended a job at Ford so). 

Mr Ford is nice and cute and charming. We've talked online and then this week we started phone calls. It was exciting and also terrifying. I haven't told anyone except my MTC companion about him because I just don't need the pressure. 

Last night Mr. Ford finally asked the dreaded question: What are you looking for in dating right now? Yikes!!! 

So what am I looking for right now? I don't know. The truth is this is all so new and unexpected. I haven't done a lot of dating, I mean I went on my first date after I'd finished my mission and I've only had maybe 1 boyfriend (if you combine my two three date relationships that ended in disaster). I've never been kissed, never said "I love you", never really had a boyfriend. So this is all so new. 

I know myself and my anxiety and insecurities that I don't want to rush into anything. I want to take my sweet time, so there is time to develop trust and friendship before the physical attraction gets involved. Besides as you know I have quite the anxieties around physical intimacy which I haven't been able to work past yet. 

So I don't know what this all boils down to other than I want someone with me who can be patient. Who gets that I'm terrified that a relationship will just blow up in my face. That I'll be hurt and that my already struggling trust for men will be shattered forever. I want to know someone and have them know me and completely trust each other. To care about each other beyond our relationship that even if it ends well still want the other person to succeed and find happiness. 

I don't know what I'm gonna say on the phone tonight when Mr. Ford and I talk. But I'm sure it'll be awkward and stressful for me.... here's hoping getting these thoughts out of my head helps me focus a little better today. 

integrity

   Ever heard the saying: "Don't reinvent the wheel"?  Usually, it's used when you're trying to do something relatively simple and instead of using the path already paved, you're trying to find your own way crashing around in the bushes and in the process making it so much harder for yourself. Integrity falls right smack dap in the center of this concept. I mean it seems like such a simple concept: don't lie, don't cheat, don't compromise your beliefs. If you live with integrity and then *boom* happy and successful life.   

    Is this really true though? And if it is why is there so much pressure about living with Integrity?   

    I think when you choose to live with integrity in every aspect of your life you put a big target on your back. Look at Abraham Lincoln, he was so well known as an honest man that he got the nickname "Honest Abe." And look how things ended up for him? In all seriousness though, Abraham Lincoln is a personal hero of mine because he chose at every opportunity to live according to his beliefs and what was right. He focused not on the cost of his honesty and beliefs but instead on the blessings and goodness that would come from them.  

    There is a cost to being a person of integrity. You may be judged as a prude by others, you may not have the gain others get from their seedy choices, you often walk alone. But the blessings that come from your choices will far out way the challenges.  

 

    You will never have others question you or your actions. You will always have the confidence of your loved ones. You will always have a sense of inner peace because you are living true to your beliefs. You will have healthy relationships with others both privately and professionally. You will be able to impact change within society. Others will listen to and respect you-- even if they don't agree with you.  

 

    Having Integrity starts with a commitment and then every day and by a thousand little choices you follow through. Integrity means to be true to yourself first and always; no matter where, no matter why you chose what’s right. Integrity has a cost but I believe it is and always will be worth it. My choice is integrity. I hope yours will be too.  

Repost of an assignment!

For one of my classes I have to write blog posts reflecting on what I've learned and experienced. Obviously I created a new blog for this haha! But I felt like my first reflection was good enough to be on this blog too. So here's a copy and pasted version! 

The first day of something new is never easy and my first day of online school was no different. 

After going over the syllabus and doing several readings I got to the quiz. At first everything was fine, I'm answering questions feeling comfortable with my understanding and then there's a question I don't instantly know the answer to, followed by another and another. Dread, that's all I could feel and suddenly the bombardment of negativity hits; you're not smart enough, you're going to fail, you can't do this. For a moment I believed those lies and then I felt reminded that this was no ordinary online school, this was a place where I could grow intellectually and spiritually. I mean I'd read a talk by an Apostle as part of my class assignments! So I took a deep breath and started to pray, not to be given the answers, to have peace, to know my worth and to just do my best. 

I know that may not have been the purpose of my first day of school but that experience gave me the chance to learn exactly what God needed me too learn. I was surprised as I've reflected on this experience that it relates well to the mission statement shared by Elder Bednar in his address: Your Whole Souls as an Offering Unto Him. He said,

"The mission of Ricks College has four important and interrelated parts:   1. Build testimonies of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ and encourage living its principles. 2. Provide a quality education for students of diverse interests and abilities. 3. Prepare students for further education and employment, and for their roles as citizens and parents. 4. Maintain a wholesome academic, cultural, social and spiritual environment."

The purpose of this class was explained as a place to learn about ourselves, so that we can become our best selves and be prepared for further opportunities in our life. I am grateful for the reminder that although I may be studying online and alone I am not alone. I have the ability to invite the spirit to help me throughout every class and assignment and experience. I know that as I do my part in this class to learn and to be worthy of the Spirit I will succeed the way Heavenly Father wants me to. And I'm just so excited for what's to come! 

Farewell 2021

Farewell 2021!! I can't believe how quickly the year came to an end. Let's do a quick little recap of the past year;

•I read 22 books throughout the year. Including rereading the entire Harry Potter series during the month of July. 

•Started going to institute again, loved my class on Forgiveness and Repentance. Plus I made some friends. (:

•Got called to serve as a 1st councilor in the Stake Primary. I have felt overwhelmed... and uncertain but I've also felt that I have the opportunity to be a blessing to others because of and through my calling. 

•Witnessed the passing of my Grandmother. It was one of the most painful experiences and yet somehow it was also one of the most spiritual. 

•Got myself a puppy!! He's the cutest little boy and is such a sweetie. I'm so grateful I get to care for him and for all the love he brings into my life. 

•Asked a guy out on a date- he didn't say yes but I felt proud that I took step to change and move toward the future I want. 

•Decided to go back to school. It was kinda a crazy moment for me but January 5th I start my business degree through BYU-Pathways. I never thought I'd get here, but it feels right. 

•Bought my first car! Thanks Grandma!! 

•Gained some weight, lost some weight. 

•Started therapy, it was good and helpful and I should probably go back but "ain't nobody got time for that." 

•Made hot chocolate bombs for the first time! They sold well and were so tasty!! 

•Learn more about the atonement than ever before! Gained a person testimony of it's power and saw it help me change in my life. 

•Made it through the year without anything going up my butt ;) no colonoscopy or sigmoid for this girl!! 

•Baked for 3 weddings this year among doing many other events. 

This year wasn't perfect. But the good outweighed the bad. The blessing were ever present this year and I'm excited for what 2022 will offer!