I have felt so angry and sad and hurt... a hurt that cuts deep right down to your center. I've been angry with myself- that I didn't use every second of the time I had been given, that I wasn't there more, that I didn't take more pictures with her. It's hard not to feel bitter and angry about these things... and the hurt just cuts a little deeper with each of these thoughts and feelings. I've also felt angry and hurt and sad that Grandma isn't here now... that her eyes aren't open, that she can't talk, it makes every interaction feel empty. I want a better goodbye. I want a last hug. I want to hear I love you one more time. And the hard truth is... I don't think I'm gonna get to. I don't think her physical body has that strength anymore. 

But during this time of fasting and prayer I have felt something stiring. Memories of times spent together. Of hugs and "I love you"s. Time spent together listening to her voice, her stories, her testimony. I remember her saying I love you. Wishing me healing and peace. Praying for my future, for love. Grandma always saw more good in me than I ever saw in myself. She loved me so completely it was never in question. No matter my choices, mistakes or flaws I 

knew-- I still know. Her love was constant. 

Grandma was a woman of faith and of love. She lived her life to its fullest. Always striving to grow and to help others. She loved deeply and completely. She was fearlessly devoted to Jesus Christ. She knew Him, she knew Him as her personal Savior. Grandma's life touched all those around her for good, because she was goodness and kindness and love. Grandma is everything I want to be when I grow up. Becuase if I can be like her, love like her, listen and follow like her. I know I will be closer to my Father Heaven and to all those I've loved and lost. If I had my wish Grandma would stay, stay with me. But "I do sin in my wish..." even though I don't feel ready I'm going to try to be okay with her moving on. Try to let her know that it's okay. And we'll be okay.

I know our love will never die. We are a family sealed forever in a temple of ou God. How grateful I am for this blessing, this truth and knowledge. I know she is not alone, Grandpa and Marty and Jacob and all those that Grandma has loved and lost are there waiting to welcome her home. What a beautiful and happy reunion that will be. There is joy in this if we remember that death is not the end. That families and love doesn't end. It hurts, I hurt in ways I've forgotten I knew how. But the love is there-- to wrap me up and hold me close. I know that no matter what happens she'll stay near by and at all those moments I want her to share with me she'll be there. 

Xoxo