what a day

Today has been one of the hardest days I've had in a long while. I've felt such strong feelings today and they have just bubbled and boiled and I feel like if I don't get them all out I'll explode! So here we are...

After quite some time, debate, excuses and fear... greater fear than I can explain or fully express, I've decided to go to my Bishop for help in the process of Repentance. 

See a long time ago, as a teenager I began a habit that has followed me around for years. Before my mission I tried to repent and felt like I'd done a good job- I'd stopped the bad habit and felt worthy to go and serve. It wasn't a challenge during my mission and I naively thought that when I got home it wouldn't be a problem ever again. I was wrong. 

Since being home the habit has grown- I've known it was wrong. Prayed to stop, determined in myself to change and then days or weeks or sometimes even months later I slip and there I am back where I was. This past week its been consuming me- boredom and free time is a dangerous combination when it comes to temptation and sin. 

At this same time I've been participating in an institute class centered and focused on Repentance and forgiveness. It's inspired me to change and be better, yet the slip ups continue. So today as I drove to institute my heart and mind were open and I finally talked to my Father in Heaven about what I've been dealing with. I told Him it all, the good and the bad and most of all I opened myself up with the honesty that I didn't know what I should do next. I felt lost and empty and needed direction. I knew I needed to tell someone, probably my Bishop but oh man! 

After a few articles I found on churchofjesuschrist.org I felt within myself that the first step, the right step was to talk with my Bishop. I pulled off and wrote a message- after some rewrite and tears I finally hit send. Then I was blessed with a phone call, a hand reaching out with love and compassion my big Brother. He spoke to me of Gods love and mercy. He reassured me this was the right step and that I could do this. That I wasn't evil or damned. It was everything I needed right then and there to keep me from throwing in the towel all over again. 

Then my Bishop responded, in such mercy and compassion he was ready to go. Wanting to help me, free of judgment. I don't know what's going to happen next. But I already feel better. Feel lighter- I know this is a step in the right direction. I have a new sense of hope that I didn't have before and I'm grateful. I'm still afraid to actually talk with my Bishop. I'm afraid of what might happen next.... but I know that with God's love things will be okay. 

If you're trying to find your next step. I encourage you to take it, take the step you feel directed to take. Even if it's hard, exspecially if it's hard. The Lord loves you, He'll walk beside you and will help you one this path. Don't give up! With Christ you can do all things.