The blessings of bread

Recently I had the opportunity to go and visit Old Nauvoo. It was a wonderful experience for many different reasons!! But more on those in another post!

For this one I'd like to tell the story of Sister Hansen (: While in Nauvoo I got to go to the Temple on multiple occasions. The first day I went with a friend and met Sister Hansen. We visited and chatted about our interests and goals and after learning my desires in the baking world offered me a recipe for English muffin bread. She said she would bring it on Friday, our final trip to the Temple, however we didn't really make any plans beyond that.

Friday came and off to the Temple I went with my friends. It was quite the fiasco getting there that day and getting onto a session! We ended up attending another sealing session and right as we walked in there was sweet little sister Hansen sitting right there. We were able to visit with her and afterwards she introduced us to her husband, who was just as sweet as she is! It was wonderful to be reunited and was a sweet moment to be reminded of God's love for us. He truly does lead and guide us to be the places we need to be so we can meet those who need to have a hand in our lives. I truly believe we needed to meet sweet sister Hansen and feel her love for us.

Oh and don't worry I got her recipe! Thought I'd pass it on for all of you to enjoy.

Ingredients:
5 C. Flour
4 1/2 t. Yeast
1 T. Sugar
1 t. Salt
2 C. Warm milk
1/2 C. Warm water
Corn meal for sprinkling the pan and tops of loaves

Directions:
Mix together half the flour with yeast and sugar. Add the warm milk and water (approx 105-110°f), mix to combine and let sit for 5min, to bubble.
And the remaining flour and salt. Mix until well combined. Divide into two loaves.
Place into two greased and corned meal sprinkled loaf pans. Sprinkle tops of loaves also. Allow to rise until doubled in size.
Bake at 375° for 35-40min. Let sit 5 min and remove from pans allow to cool completely on wire rack.
Slice and serve toasted with butter.

Two steps forward, one step back

Two steps forward, one step back but DON'T STOP WALKING!

I took what feels like the 100th step back Monday of last week. After lots of stubbornness and determination and belief that everything was fine. I admitted to myself and my doctor that it's not, it's definitely not fine, right around the time I started bleeding again with each bathroom visit. Yup. "Two steps forward one step back." It wasn't a easy pill to swallow but I sorta saw it coming before my last infusion. Things just didn't feel right, obviously I was blaming stress and change and needing another treatment of meds. But I think I was starting to realize that this just wasn't quite the same y'know?

Medications fail for lots of different reasons, the medication I'm on in a biologic medicine so your body can produce antibodies that fight against it. That's what we think happened with me, as far as this particular med goes about 30% just reject it randomly. It's a high enough number and I just got to join it, lucky me. However this is tricky for me because the 2 main treatments for Ulcerative colitis have both tanked in effectiveness. Could mean lots of things; gotta be more creative in treatment, could be a problem with diagnosis, maybe we just missed something. So the Dr is having me undergo another colonoscopy.

A colonoscopy is where the Dr knocks you out and shoves a little camera into your colon. This way he can really see what's going on inside. It's messy and there is some specific preparation which is none too pleasant. The first time I had a colonoscopy I thought I was gonna die, no joke I really did. I was insanely sick and it was just an all around horrific experience. So I'm not too excited for this whole experience. But it does seem like the right course of action so there's some peace to be found in that.

Sometimes I just want to shout from the roof tops what's going on in my life and how hard it is and how empty I feel. But I don't.... instead I post a blog about it, and that helps. My advice for anyone else going through a 'one step back' moment is hang in there! Please, please hold on and don't give up. You can get through this and you will!! Even if it doesn't seem like it and it's hard to believe know that things will get better. In the words of one of my many favorite musicals remember, "the sun'll come out tomorrow."  

20 things to do on the toilet

Having a chronic illness that attacks your bowels leads to plenty of toilet bonding time!! Here's a list of 20 things you can do while you're chillin' on the can:

1. Read the back of every shampoo bottle in your shower
2. Sing the entire Bohemian Rapsody (quality is not part of this discussion)
3. Call a friend or family member for a chat
4. Write a blog post about what to do when you're stuck on a toilet *wink-wink*
5. Scroll through any and all social media
6. Reply to your emails
7. Watch an episode of your favorite show
8. Post something motivational to your social media
9. Make today's to-do list
10. Ponder your place in the universe
11. Practice a foreign language on Duolingo
12. Memorize pi (yes the number)
13. Read a new book
14. Watch an assortment of random YouTube videos
15. Brush your hair 100 stroke
16. Moan and groan about your bowels
17. Pet your poochie
18. Cancel plans for the day
19. Plan your wedding on Pinterest
20. Yell, "I'll be done in a minute!" To the hoard banging down your door

What would you add to the list?

Chronic illness 101

Some of you may wonder, "Mhm, how does this whole chronic illness work? What does it really mean to have a chronic illness?" Well here come chronic illness 101, the funny, the sad and the real life truth!

First off chronic illness means that you get to enjoy this for the rest of forever. Yup! You're one of the lucky (or is it unlucky, I can never remember) ones. You might get better, for a while, but it never truly goes away. And living with chronic illness includes the forced smiles and mumbled "me too" when people say: "Aren't you better yet?" Or "that's interesting" when someone, with a fast medical degree from the university of the Google "I heard that if you do X Y or Z you'll be cured" Now don't get me wrong folks, they have the best intentions but they don't quite get it. So a healthy ability to nod and smile is a must for anyone with a chronic illness.

Second planning is key! You will have bad days or weeks or months at time and you need to have an action plan for that. Mine includes an assortment or comfy pjs, an understanding workplace, the go to "fix its" like: a hot bath or eating nothing but rice and maybe an egg for the day, and most important an easily accessible bathroom! Now everyone's action plan will be different and needs to meet their needs and their chronic illness specifically. Even if you and your neighbor have the same diagnosed illness your specific symptoms and struggles would be different so therefore custom action plans are essential.

Third adjust ALL expectations! This is an absolute must for anyone living with a chronic illness. For example at one point during my chronic illness diagnosis journy I wasn't really capable of eating and was dropping weight rapidly so my expectation was to eat something, literally ANYTHING, everyday. This points out a key aspect of expectations as your situation changes so must your expectations. I also encourage kindness first in setting expectations for yourself. You know yourself well you know your capabilities and you know when you're throwing in the towel or overdoing it so honesty with yourself is also key. Finally never feel like you have to justify your expectations for yourself, becuase you don't have too end of story.

Fourth find humor in your situation. I can't think of anyone who finds poop jokes quite as funny as someone living with UC. My family has figured this out and let me tell you nothing makes me happier than getting a poop related meme sent to me. This is not to say that you aren't allowed to have hard moments and cry or pout or shout or whatever you do to express your very real emotions. But being able to find joy and humor in all the odd moments is a super healthy coping mechanism. Full disclosure I have a secret Pinterest board dedicated to amusing poop memes!! So laugh out loud and laugh often, it really is the best medicine.

Finally surround yourself with good people. This can be one of the hardest parts but your life is already hard enough if there are negative people who leave you drained and unhappy after you spend time together cut them out! That sounds harsh sorry just leave that person as a Facebook friend only. As someone who lives with chronic illness you need people who are givers not just takers. You need to be needed, we all do, but you also need people who are willing to cancel plans and just hang at your house while you nap. You need people who see a need and fill a need. Hopefully at least one member of your family is included in the good people group but if not that's okay, people can change don't give up on them. (This is literally why we have facebook) But for now find those good people and keep them close.

In essence having a chronic illness is hard and yet wonderful at times (did you sense the touch of sarcasm? It was definitely there). Maybe this has been informative, maybe someone actually read this (hahaha,now that's funny), maybe this is something that inspires or helps you. I sure hope so!! 

My skin hurts

So the title is pretty much the gist of this post. My skin hurts and it's the worst!

So something that brings an added measure of unique to my chronic illness life is that I have been soft diagnosed with Pyoderma gangrenosum. Basically it's another inflammatory illness and it causes skin ulcers. The ulcers can appear anywhere however mine are typically on my chest which is very sensitive and causes some lovely scars. Also pro-tip don't Google image this, it is terrifying and also nasty so take my word and just don't.

Anyways, I say soft diagnosed because by the time I finally got it looked at it has healed over enough that the dermatologist didn't want to biopsy it and cause it to reopen. These ulcers have a tendency to not heal, like ever. So she just looked at symptoms and such and said it is likely pyoderma gangrenosum. And oddly this has some connection to ulcerative colitis and crohns disease. Doctors don't fully understand this connection but it's a thing regardless.

And as of lately the scar on my chest has been bothering me. Now it's starting to look a little open and sore and the pain is awful. I mean the lightest touch is so incredibly painful! And boy does this bring out a host of pity party moments... yeah. The thing is in some ways I'm really grateful. Every time I feel like I'm making really progress I feel like I slide right back down the hill. And I'm grateful because I have so much help. Can you imagine dealing with all this chaos and drama solo? I certainly cannot. And so I am grateful for the support team I have been blessed with. I'm also grateful for each hard moment becuase it makes the good moments so, so much sweeter. It's like night and day difference! So perspective is always a positive thing.

Anyways, if you're hurting and struggling hang in there. Have peace. Hold on. You got this!!! Try to have perspective and believe things will get better.

Social media and the lies we tell oursleves

Let's set the scene, if I had to guess it's pretty familiar to most of us: it's early in the morning, maybe you just woke up, and you pull out your phone. You open Instagram or Facebook and start the 'oh so important' scroll, pause, double tap 'Like' over and over again. Then you see it: the happy couple announcing, "We're pregnant!" Or the new couple announcing, "I said yes!" Or the independent and free-spirited young adult, "Europe here I come!" Or my personal favorite the glowing mom of 3 who writes, "Everything is better organic!" You feel it yet? The sinking dread, the heavy hopelessness becuase they are so happy, their lives are so perfect, they have better kids, nicer jobs, more excitement and then you fill yourself up with that awful empty feeling, suddenly your day is already ruined and you haven't even left your bed yet.

There is no shame in admitting we've all been there. I know I have! It's one of the dangers of social media and the root of one lie we tell oursleves. Let me be clear, social media is not the villain in this story, nor is it the friends who share the happy moments in their lives, the enemy is you! *gasp* Shocker I know right?! Okay so it's not really you becuase that just causes more issues no it's the lies we tell oursleves. Here are 3 lies we tell oursleves and social media is right in the mix of 'em:

1. Comparison! Becuase of these happy posts and perfect pictures my friends have perfect lives and I don't. Comparison never leads to happiness! It is one of the adversaries tools to make you doubt your worth and value becuase of another person. We are unique individuals, no two lives look the same. Each and every person faces different challenges and trials, I promise you no one is immune. And deciding how perfect another person's life is based off what the shared most recently on Facebook isn't a fair judgement.

2. Posting my opinions and views influence change. This is a lazy way to live what you believe. Yeah it's great to post that you're pro-life or anti-guns or concerned about human trafficking, but no one takes a Facebook post seriously. I mean except for online trolls... that's another discussion entirely. If you want to influence change get out and volunteer! Donate to the causes you beleive in. Teach children, teens, adults the truths you believe in. Learn to public speak and tell the world why they should care. Sitting behind and screen and hitting the share button is great, I'm not saying you shouldn't. But I am saying that it doesn't change anything, the only way to promote change is to get up and off the phone and actually do something.

3. I can only post what's good online. Please don't misunderstand this one, I am not saying all your problems should be hung out to dry on your Facebook. But I am saying it's okay to be real online. It's okay to post a picture of your messy kids and still be grateful for your family. It's okay to post a selfie from the hospital as you get your I.V. treatment. It's okay to have friends post the pictures you didn't approve becuase someone will notice your double chin. No one is actually perfect in this life. We all have bad days and hard days and things we dont parade around to the rest of the world. That's okay! But just peeling back the curtain enough for someone to see the human in you is beautiful and should be shared.

*Just gonna acknowledge that this blog is as much a part of the silliness of social media as anything else. Believe me the irony is not lost!

March Book

So my posting has gotten painfully lazy as of late... but here I am now.

The book I read in March was one highly recommended to me entitled Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. Not so very long ago it was on a list of like 10 books everyone should read. I honestly don't know if it's still there or not. However I will reccomend this book to literally anyone who asks!!

The first half of the book is Viktor sharing his experiences during WWII in different concentration camps and how he developed Logotherapy. The second half of the book is a in depth explanation of Logotherapy. Not gonna lie here the second half was a bit difficult to follow.

There was so so much quality content in this book. It's difficult to pinpoint just one or two to mention. I'll do my best though;
The first I'd like to mention is Viktor Frankl's compassion for his fellow man. Even as he described his life in camp and the cruelty of the Nazi's and even some of the prisoners he never was judgemental of harsh. Instead he always expressed compassion and even understanding of their actions and choices. I think that says a lot about his ability to he and overcome his experiences.
The second thing taught in the book that stood out to me was as he discussed suffering he made the analogy that suffering is like a gas and it fills any room equally. And basically he was saying that it doesn't matter what your suffering is or even how bad it is it can still consume you (or fill you like gas in a room). And regardless of what the suffering is the way we overcome it is the same.
And third his belief that regardless of our circumstances life can have meaning if we choose to make meaningful three aspects of our life: in work (doing something significant), in love (caring for others) and in courage during trials and difficulties. I thought this was an awesome. The idea that life can have meaning and even be fulfilling in a concentration camp seems pretty farfetched however Frankl lived it, he found meaning and he saw others find it too. And in some ways that's what makes this book and Logotherapy have any credit at all. Becuase anyone can find meaning in their life, no matter the circumstances or difficulties you face. And that is an empowering thought.