Trying out Curable

If you live with a chronic illness or if you're a frequent guest of the doctors office than you've probably, at one point or another, been told, "Well, you might just need to learn to live with this." In my last post I expressed how much no one wants to hear that! Everytime I hear that I feel like I die a little inside, it hurts to imagine that this pain or this issue is something I just have to learn to be okay with. And sometimes it feels impossible to even imagine living one more day with this problem let alone another 50 years. 

So what do we do? Do we crawl into our beds and cry? Yes... well maybe if it helps you cope for the minute go for it! Do we scream and cry and ask "why me?" Probably... however this is less helpful even than staying in bed. What I believe we have to do is activate our inner Pollyanna. Get a little perspective! Be grateful for something, anything! And find a tiny sliver of hope and happiness. Then we get to work! If the doctor doesn't have the answer don't give up! Keep looking and searching! Be you're own advocate and find solutions even if they only work for you! 

This is where the Curable App comes in. I've been following Curable on Instagram for a while now and when I found out they have an app I was very interested. So I downloaded the app and I've been trying to use it regularly ever since! Curable is all about helping treat, manage and function with pain. It's basically like a pain clinic right on your phone! It offers education, meditation, exercises and writing. This is meant to be used regularly. I've really enjoyed it all do far. And I'm so excited to see if there is improvement!! I'll keep y'all posted! 

Things not to say

If I had to guess you or someone you know has a chronic illness, if not just wait this is a literal freaking epidemic! Ok. That was a bit dramatic. Where am I going with this?! Ahh yes that's right.... here is a quick list of things NOT to say to someone who has a chronic illness. 

1. You'll just need to learn to live with it. (Okay sure, why don't I just hire someone to hit you in the head all day with a mallet and you can learn to live with that, huh?)

2. Do you really need that medication? (Listen if I didn't need it I wouldn't take it, 9 times out of 10 the symptoms make me feel terrible but you know, I wanna live....)

3. So you're better now, right? (Listen, and I'll try to make this simple, chronic=forever. You're welcome) 

4. Have you tried..... (If one more person suggests CBD oil, essential oil, some medication they heard about on a commercial or a "cure all diet" I. WILL. CUT. YOU.) 

5. Oh but you're so young. (Yeah the thing is they must have forgotten to I.D me before handing out the illnesses. And yes, I truly appriacte the reminder that I have tons of time to "learn" to deal with these problems)

6. Why are you always tired? (Because my body is always trying to kill itself, sorry if this inconveniences you) 

7. Well you don't look sick. (You're not wrong, I try my best to keep the zombie buried deep inside) 

8. Why can't you do.... (Listen sometimes it's that I can't, sometimes it's a choice of what thing I want to do more. But beleive me I'm trying)

9. You must be so strong to deal with this (I know you mean well, but I don't feel strong, I don't love the idea that because I'm "strong" somehow that makes my struggles okay. Honestly they suck and I'm exhausted and I don't want to be the "strong" one anymore) 

10. But how are you really? (I know you mean well, and this is your way of showing it. But if I say, "I'm fine" there's a reason! *stay tuned for the 10 things "I'm fine actually means") 

11. I understand... (Listen I get it you want to empathise with me, but you don't understand. Okay? You just don't know what this is like and it hurts to be reminded of that)

The thing to remember everytime someone says one of the annoying things to you what they are trying to say is: I care about you. So try to resist the eye rolls ;)

And maybe send them this; a quick list of 5 things that we (well, I) actually like hearing:

1. I like you're Pjs 

2. Oh, I've never heard of [your illness] can you tell me what it is? 

3. Want me to get you your hot pad?

4. Do you want to talk about it or be distracted from it? 

5. Would a hug help?

Honestly compassion (not pity there is a huge difference!) and kindness will always be effective. And when in doubt just listen, more often then not we'll tell you want we need. Hang in there friends! 

It's Qulaitiy not Quantitiy that matters

So let me share a long held debate that's been happening in my family recently, it's all about scripture reading (yup not politics or ethnic or anything else....) 

See when my siblings and I were growing up we'd read scriptures every night with my parents and we usually read an entire chapter. Since I've come home from my mission we alternate sometimes we read a whole chapter sometimes just 15 verses (there's only three of us now) but we pretty much always read which in my book is the most important thing. Not so much with my parents. See they frequently debate are we reading enough. Mom will say something like couldn't we read more and then Dad gets stressed and overwhelmed. Then the next night Dad us stressed about how much we are or arent reading and Mom getting defensive and it's just silliness y'know? 

So last night I had a little mini-epiphany; does God ever give us a number of how much we need to do I mean I've not looked everywhere but I'm pretty sure there isn't q list that says:

-daily prayers (two, five if meal prayers included)

-scripture reading (1 chapter, 2 if seeking greater blessings)

-service (45 min, helping old ladies cross the street recommended)

I mean can you imagine if there was something like this out there?! I mean maybe it would be nice I would definitely know I wasn't making it to heaven so that would be a load off I guess. But guess what?!  This is not how God works!!! There is no master list or point system!!! 

I occurred to me that it's not so much the quantity of our Obedience that matters it's really about the quality of our Obedience. God doesn't say read 2 chapters a day He says read scriptures daily and ponder them. God doesn't give us a number of prayers to pray, he asks us to communicate with him through prayer open and honest and then listen for him to answer us. 

I remember a conversation I had with a struggling companion on my mission who just could grapple with exact obedience and being a "consecrated missionary" (Just imagine super stressed perfectionist missionaries that's what I served with haha!) I read her a scripture: 

Mosiah 5: 2 "And they all cried with one voice, saying: Yea, we believe all the words which thou hast spoken unto us; and also, we know of their surety and truth, because of the Spirit of the Lord Omnipotent, which has wrought a mighty change in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually" (italics added for emphasis) 

See this is conversion, it's about our hearts changing and with it our true desires. After that the actions will follow automatically. 

So if you feel like your obedience is lacking maybe instead of trying to gauge if the quantity is enough look at your heart and your desires and the quality of your choices. 

Two whole years, can you believe it?

So today I got a very excited Marco Polo from my MTC companion. She was happily wishing me congratulations at our mutual anniversary of coming home from our 18 month mission in Jacksonville. Yup! Two years ago today I was flying home emotionally and physically exhausted after giving my all for 18 months serving the wonderful people of Jacksonville. And "celebrating" being home for two years doesn't really make me feel very happy. Let's do a quick side my side of me and my MTC companion:

Companion: 

Moved out of parents house, happily married, expecting 1st baby, working from home, cute rental house (you get the idea #perfect)

Me:

Lives in parents basement, haven't been on a date since last Dec, working part-time if lucky, sick constantly (but at least that's consistent)

I'm sure from that breif picture you get the idea why I wasn't loving the idea of "celebrating" two years home. I mean I spent the day at the dentist finding out that I might have some autoimmune mouth disorder or something and the evening icing my swollen painfull hand wondering what's up with that new problem. She spent this evening celebrating Halloween with her sweet in-laws. Now please don't misunderstand!! I am so beyond happy for her! She's one of my very best friends and I love that she is so happy and fulfilled and blessed. I know she works hard and faces her fair share of trials. It's just on days like these I start to wonder what on earth God's plan is for me. 

Sometimes it feels like He's up there doing a evil chuckle and having this type of conversation with his angel buddies;

God: So how's Onaleigh doing down there on earth?

Angel: She's doing pretty well after the whole chronic illness bomb we dropped a few months ago. 

God: So she's starting to figure things out, dealing with pain well, you know starting to feel hopeful again?

Angel: Yeah she's really risen to this trial, I think she's gonna be just fine! 

God: Oh great! So now I'm thinking we throw down some problems with her hand, pretty basic just make it hurt randomly and frequently oh! Definitely whenever she's baking or you know using it to do anything that makes her happy.

Angel: Excuse me what now? 

God: No, no trust me on this she's gonna learn a lot and she'll definitely rise to this one too! 

Angel: So like this is it though,  right? I mean she's good now on the whole trials thing, at least for a year or so?

God: Mhm... I mean maybe, but probably not. I'm thinking we go after her teeth next after that I'm sure we'll find some new medical mystery. And then there's always her social life can you imagine trying to get her on a date? I mean come on! Isn't this so fun?! 

*And scene* 

Okay that was sassy and honestly I don't think God gets a kick out of my suffering (most days) but sometimes I just wonder you know? Like maybe a few years or months ago I was at a cross roads and it was like left leads you to marriage, baby and happiness or you choose right and you get health challenges, emotional distress and "a great personality." Obviously the correct choice was left but I went right and now look at this pickle in I'm! Or maybe it's all you know, "This is a good thing, think how much your learning." "This will be a blessing later in life." "Just think it could be much worse." Which honestly doesn't make me feel much better. I just really don't understand why. 

Why is this where I am in life? Literally what is the point to all this? Will it ever end? Does it get better? Do you actually have a plan or are we like rolling dice and guessing as we go? 

Sadly this post, like those questions that will go unfinished because I don't have the answers. (Shocking I know!) I'm trying to trust, which is the literal worst. I'm trying to be patient, which feels almost impossible. I'm really trying to be positive, cause that's what your supposed to do. And mostly I'm just trying to be happy, but it's not always easy. I know eventually I'll figure this whole thing out, probably when I'm 90 (but at this rate who knows if I'll even get there! Haha) and don't worry when I get some answers I'll definitely let you know. Until then, just keep hanging on! 

Never good enough

The realization hit me last Sunday that I will never be good enough to go to Heaven. I felt totally overwhelmed and unsure of what to do. I want to go but I will never measure up to the requirements that allow me to go to Heaven. 

But isn't that the point? This isn't a ride at Valley Fair with a 4'3" height requirement or you cant ride the rollercoaster. This isn't a club where you have to meet certain criteria to join the club. This IS Heaven! 

No one anywhere will ever at any point will "qualify" to enter Heaven. So sorry to break this new to you. This is the entire reason we need a Savior! Because God knew that without divine help we would never be able to return to him.

But then you ask why are there commandments? If Jesus is the way and all we need is to accept Him to get to heaven what the point of everything else? Great question!! Here's my thought: Just because there aren't requirements to attain a spot on Heaven there are certain ways we can show that thats where we want to be. By our Obedience we show God that we will follow him, and that we want to follow him. But you counter we can want to follow someone and still not actually do it. But isn't that the true point? As we learn to love our Father in Heaven and as we recognize that we have been saved by Jesus Christ our heart will change. Over time our understanding of  commandments changes, we know they are opportunities for blessings and we know they are guidelines to protect us. Then when we are asked to give and serve and do within the church our willingness increases because it's a chance for us to show how much we love Him and his children. 

We will still fail. We will still never do enough our bodies and minds will limit what we can do, or think we can do. Even though our desires will be there our actions will never measure up. But Christ and His atonement steps in and saves us. It saves us despite our weaknesses. So if you feel you've failed don't give up! Rely on the Savior and trust his ability to save. 

Flare-up Rules

So you're in a flare up, it sucks obviously, but what do you do now? Here are some hard and fast rules that have helped me! 

1. You can only call out sick from work IF you have diarrhea, are vomiting, or have a fever. They need you to be there, and you can do this!  

2. You have dietary restrictions! Corn will end you! Dairy is a no-no! So JUST SAY NO!

2.5 You must eat food everyday! Your body needs to be fed, find something it will eat! 

3. You must brush you're teeth and put on deodorant EVERYDAY! Changing clothes is optional changing underwear recommend. 

4. You have to get out of bed everyday. No specific requirements on the amount of time spent outside of bed and you can get back in it however often as you need too. 

5. You must see and feel the sun everyday! Through your bedroom window doesn't really count and you know that. Go get some of that D! 

6. Be nice to someone everyday! Kindness counts and will make you feel a little better. 

7. You are not allowed to wallow! Cry about your afflictions for a moment feel  all the sorrow and suffering, and then remember that the sun still shines and tomorrow will be better than today. 

Watching the worst teen rom-com

So today I saw that Netflix (bless them for we are eternally grateful) has a new teen rom-com out. Now I am about as hopeless as a "hopeless romantic" can get. It's becoming a strange addiction and one day I might get help but for now I feed that little addiction whatever it wants! #bingethoseflicks So yes I've watched just about all the teen rom-coms Netflix has offered me. To all the boys I loved before? Yes please! The kissing booth? I vomited watching it, there were so many red flags I about died. The perfect date? Ehh, it definitely struggled but won me over in the end. Sierra Burgess is a Looser? I'd have to agree she isn't the greatest and that was painful to sit through, never again!

And now we have Tall Girl. Honestly the premise seemed kinda cute but holy freaking cow dramatic much? The girl is 6' 1" and literally acts like her life is over. Yeah yeah I get it she's bullied and apparently her father has never seen a tall girl so he's a wack-nut. I mean come on! "No one makes heals in my size" lies. "I'm too noticeable being this tall" yeah? Who cares! "No guy will ever ask me out because I'm so tall" disregarding the fact that there is an entire male character whose existence is there solely to ask her out and be the "nice guy".  There were maybe 3 redemptive moments in the entire movie:
1. The super adorable black BFF who was 100% confidence and 100% done with your sh*t. Literally in her first introduction you see her standing up for a defending her best friend only to get written off and ignored the entire rest of the movie. Even by the lead who goes as far as to act hurt when she's blowing her friend off and gets told that validation from men is worthless. #preachsister And they didn't even bother to have a redemptive arch for the friendship they just sort of glazed over the fight and drama.
2. The father's redemption, as I afore mentioned the father was sorta a nut. He totally overreacted to the height of his daughter and spent most of the movie making things infinitely worse. His redeeming moment came after *spoiler alert* the "tall girl" gets stood up by her love interest. Dad goes up to her room and knocks on the door and says to the affect that no matter what he loves her, and he's here for her. It was so sweet. Then they played a little piano duet it was so sweet and tender. I love a good father daughter moment.
3. Number 3...... ya know what? I don't even think there was a 3rd redeeming moment! Haha! At least not one I can remember.
Honestly if you liked the movie great! I'm happy for you. These are just my personal opinions! So no offence meant!!
I just am so tired of these sad soggy chick-flicks. I'm tired of them force feeding me that nice guys are always the better choice but no girl will notice until she interacts with the hotter guy who turns out to be a total jerk. I'm tired of these ridiculous parents and families that could be so great and supportive. Basically I'm tired of these 1 dimensional character and plots that just leave me disappointed. What I'm learning is chick-flicks are a dime a dozen but the real good ones you gotta work to find.
Now excuse me while I go watch Sleepless in Seattle to work through my feelings.