Companion:
Moved out of parents house, happily married, expecting 1st baby, working from home, cute rental house (you get the idea #perfect)
Me:
Lives in parents basement, haven't been on a date since last Dec, working part-time if lucky, sick constantly (but at least that's consistent)
I'm sure from that breif picture you get the idea why I wasn't loving the idea of "celebrating" two years home. I mean I spent the day at the dentist finding out that I might have some autoimmune mouth disorder or something and the evening icing my swollen painfull hand wondering what's up with that new problem. She spent this evening celebrating Halloween with her sweet in-laws. Now please don't misunderstand!! I am so beyond happy for her! She's one of my very best friends and I love that she is so happy and fulfilled and blessed. I know she works hard and faces her fair share of trials. It's just on days like these I start to wonder what on earth God's plan is for me.
Sometimes it feels like He's up there doing a evil chuckle and having this type of conversation with his angel buddies;
God: So how's Onaleigh doing down there on earth?
Angel: She's doing pretty well after the whole chronic illness bomb we dropped a few months ago.
God: So she's starting to figure things out, dealing with pain well, you know starting to feel hopeful again?
Angel: Yeah she's really risen to this trial, I think she's gonna be just fine!
God: Oh great! So now I'm thinking we throw down some problems with her hand, pretty basic just make it hurt randomly and frequently oh! Definitely whenever she's baking or you know using it to do anything that makes her happy.
Angel: Excuse me what now?
God: No, no trust me on this she's gonna learn a lot and she'll definitely rise to this one too!
Angel: So like this is it though, right? I mean she's good now on the whole trials thing, at least for a year or so?
God: Mhm... I mean maybe, but probably not. I'm thinking we go after her teeth next after that I'm sure we'll find some new medical mystery. And then there's always her social life can you imagine trying to get her on a date? I mean come on! Isn't this so fun?!
*And scene*
Okay that was sassy and honestly I don't think God gets a kick out of my suffering (most days) but sometimes I just wonder you know? Like maybe a few years or months ago I was at a cross roads and it was like left leads you to marriage, baby and happiness or you choose right and you get health challenges, emotional distress and "a great personality." Obviously the correct choice was left but I went right and now look at this pickle in I'm! Or maybe it's all you know, "This is a good thing, think how much your learning." "This will be a blessing later in life." "Just think it could be much worse." Which honestly doesn't make me feel much better. I just really don't understand why.
Why is this where I am in life? Literally what is the point to all this? Will it ever end? Does it get better? Do you actually have a plan or are we like rolling dice and guessing as we go?
Sadly this post, like those questions that will go unfinished because I don't have the answers. (Shocking I know!) I'm trying to trust, which is the literal worst. I'm trying to be patient, which feels almost impossible. I'm really trying to be positive, cause that's what your supposed to do. And mostly I'm just trying to be happy, but it's not always easy. I know eventually I'll figure this whole thing out, probably when I'm 90 (but at this rate who knows if I'll even get there! Haha) and don't worry when I get some answers I'll definitely let you know. Until then, just keep hanging on!
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