Testimony

     Hello friends! This week I semi-randomly decided to watch the new Latter-day Saint book of mormon video that covers 3rd Nephi chapter 17- which is definitely one of my favorite chapters. 

     During the scene while they portrayed the idea of angels Ministering to and with the children two specific moments struck me: 

     These moments touched my heart. And it was in an unusual experience. Because as I watched the way these children touched and poked the scars that Christ bares I realized that I knew exactly what that felt like. 

     For several years I have struggled with some scaring on my chest from some complications around my UC diagnosis. And recently my insecurities around the scaring has just been sky high. I have felt disgusted and frustrated and embarrassed by the scaring. 

     But in this moment watching that scene my mind reflected on the many times I have held or played with a baby or toddler and tentatively and shyly they will reach out a finger and poke the scar on my chest. Just as those children would likely have reached out to touch the scaring on Christ's hands. 

     Suddenly with this reminder in my heart I have felt an increase of gratitude for my scaring. I have thought of Him when I see it instead of dwelling on my own insecurities. I have felt such gratitude for this moment that connected me more fully to my Savior and that these feelings have remained with me. 

     I don't know if any of this made sense.... but I'm grateful for this experience and I never want to forget it. So here is where I will keep it. 

Feeling butthurt

I'm just sitting here- getting ready for church feeling butthurt... which is a fancy way of saying that my feelings are hurt but it's fine. 

I'm so tired of my friends giving me so little time... I'm so sick of being the substitute person with everyone in my life. When I literally live down the street from someone why wouldn't you just shoot a quick text inviting a friend over?

Why would you be a butthole? I'm just tired and frustrated and hurt. I'm tired of people saying one thing (I've missed you, I want to spend time together, your my dearest friend, I love you, blah blah blah) and then their actions show the exact opposite. I'm about ready to get out my hedge clippers and cut off all these toxic people who clearly couldn't care less about me. 

Anyway... it's fine. I'm just hurt and tired and disappointed but I'll just roll over like a good little dog and let them keep treating me like garbage and taking every little bit of love and affection I can get. 

The night before

Tomorrow, is the start of a great big new adventure! I am moving into my very first apartment!! *ahh!*

Until literally Sunday night I was so excited. So hopeful for this new adventure, optimistic of the opportunities it would give me and just plain excited for something new and fun. But now.... now I'm petrified. 

I've just never done anything like this before, the last time I "moved" was when I left for 2 years to serve as a missionary. But that was so much easier- I mean all I had to take with me was a single suitecase. 

I know everything will be fine. I know that I'm capable and that I really can do this. I know that this adventure will be so good for me and will truly open me up to opportunities I hadn't expected. But it's still scary. 

Dear Mr. Ford

Mr. Ford, 

     Well, the crap hit the fan and bang goes that story. Honestly, I was really disappointed at first and frankly a little pissed because I was so impressed by you as a person. But not so much now. 

How could you give the "let's stay friends no matter what" blah blah blah. How charming and sweet I thought. He doesn't want us both to invest time and energy into something for it to just end when either of us decide that this isn't what we're looking for. Yet, here we are. Over two weeks ago you politely said, I don't have time for you anymore. But let's be friends and I haven't heard from you since. 

Maybe you're friends are different and blow each other off and or never talk to each other again (maybe you just meant let's stay Facebook friends? 🤔). I'm just disappointed in you. Because I put in a lot of effort to care about you, your life, your challenges, your dreams and goals. I sent you a package for goodness sake!!?! And I get a warning before the ghosting? 

I guess I understand being busy and I appreciated the warning beforehand. But it hurts. It hurts to be told I don't have time for you, and then for it to be true... because if you had time or cared about me as a person you would check in. I'm sad because that feeling hurts... it really hurts. But I guess lessons learned you really can't be friends with someone you "like"... or maybe you just can't be friends with dicks. 

All I'm gonna say to you directly Mr Ford is this: You're a bit of a douchebag. You need to learn to appreciate a good thing when it's right freaking infront of you. I do hope you find (or have already found and didn't have the balls to be honest about it) someone who you'll actually care about. And I hope that no one ever makes you feel like you don't matter.  Because no one should be treated that way. So thanks for nothing and peace out. 

Whelp

 Today Mr. Ford officially sent his "thanks but no thanks." 

You ever feel like it you expect disappointment you won't be disappointed? I'm usually pretty good at having realistic expectations for everything... except boys haha. 

I'm playing it cool to everyone in my family (thank goodness I didn't tell hardly anyone). I fine, it's not a big deal. I'm over it. Boys are dumb anyway. Come on are we really that surprised that I managed to botch another relationship attempt? 

Truth is though.... this is crushing. Not just because I liked him, I did. But because getting to know him and talking to him made me happy and gave me a hope for a future that I'd sort of decided wouldn't happen anytime soon (if even in my life time). And it's fine, I get it he's busy and needs some space. But I also just wish things happened a little differently. I mean... the last time we spoke things just felt off- probably because he was tired and just felt obligated to talk. 

I'm just sad because I'm not sure what the future holds and the future I hoped for feels farther away than ever. 

substitute people

One of my favoirte movies is Elizabethtown. It is pretty unknown and a little odd but that's probably why I like it haha. In that movie Claire, the main female character shares this thought:

“You and I have a special talent,” Claire says to Drew. “And I saw it immediately. We’re the substitute people. I’ve been the substitute person my whole life. I’m not an Ellen [a co-worker Drew was into]. I never wanted to be an Ellen. And I’m not a Cindy either … I like being alone too much. I mean, I’m with a guy who is married to his academic career. I rarely see him and I’m the substitute person there. I like it that way. It’s a lot less pressure.”

The idea of being a substitute person has resonated with me since I first heard it. I'd explain a substitute person as someone who you choose when your first option bails. In my life I am constantly treated like a substitute person and I DON'T LIKE IT! I'm so sick of being a substitute for others. 

My best friend growing up perpetually treats me like a substitute person. When she's not busy, when it's convenient for her, always on her time and schedule we hang out or we talk. But our relationship is purely surface level she doesn't talk to me about her life or her hopes or dreams and then she blows me off. And being the substitute person stinks. 

And just last night I was sitting in bed at 11whatever not sleeping and thinking about how I feel like a substitute person with Mr Ford right now too. He's too busy to talk so we don't (until he has a free moment then I drop everything to talk to him), he's to busy to text so we don't (until he has something to say), he was too busy for me to come visit so I didn't come (but I should plan to visit him is MS once he's settled). It's beyond frustrating!!! I feel mad and sad and annoyed all at once. 

The thing is I don't think people intentionally treat others like substitute people. And maybe there is a talent or something about me that makes me a better substitute person for others. But the truth is it hurts. It hurts to feel like I don't matter to other people and like I constantly put in more effort than others do. I mean, how hard is it really to text someone? How hard is it to ask someone how they are doing? It's not hard! Like what the actual heck?! It's so easy to treat someone well and be kind to them. And for the love of all things if they matter to you, even if only a little bit, how hard is it to tell and show them that? 

Basically I'm tired of being the substitute person. But I'm not totally sure how to stop being the substitute person.... so for now this substitute person is going to sign off. 

bored

         Here I am again... typing out my thoughts because if I don't get them out of my head I'll probably explode. I'm sitting in the hospital for my I.V. app, routine nbd but it feels like its taking 100xs longer. Probably is in part because I'm fatter than I've ever been, so that's fun. (in like a really not fun sort of way) actually it stinks and makes me want to cry and also throw up. 

        I'm not disgusting and I am menstruating's so that could totally be part of the weight increase. But it is beyond discouraging. I mean eww!! Why am I so fat and gross? I know, I know. Fat doesn't equal ugly or anything else but I hate how out of control I feel because of my weight. I just want to feel pretty and healthy and attractive and in-control. But honestly, sometimes that feels impossible. 

        I don't know... I am just so discouraged. I don't know how to gain control without: limiting what and how much I eat and then working out like crazy. But when my body hurts the way it does (I'm rocking an awesome headache and neck ache right now) I don't feel like working out and that's the worst. I just wish I was skinny and healthy.... it's just the legit worst but also it is what it is a suppose.