choose to be open!

Hello friends! So much has happened recently and trying to write it all out feels like trying to slowly release a waterfall haha... however I'll save the life update for another post. This is simply another rant- as I'm so prone to. 

I believe that we need to have a sense of openness about ourselves to thrive in life. If we are always closed off, saying no thanks and walking within our very small bubble we'll miss out on some pretty incredible opportunities. 

See I have this friend, she's pretty anti steady relationship. Totally fine- you have to be ready for it. But it's to a point that she won't even go out with a guy without telling him that there's no chance for anything more than a single date. Now again not objectly wrong, however! Can you see how having that attitude could close you off to opportunities and blessing the Lord might have in store for you?

Instead of telling every guy you meet this is a one and done date for me. Simply say: I'm not looking for a steady relationship right now. But be open- be ready that if the right person comes along, if the spirit is present you act! You follow.

If I've learned anything over the past few years it's I have a plan and God has a plan and if I pigheadly follow my own plan I'd miss out on a lot. Trusting the Lord and his plan for you isn't easy. Sometimes it means giving up on a thing you want, sometimes it's waiting for your hopes and dreams. But when you are open to what the Lord has you'll never miss out and I know you won't regret it! 

So for those too closed off, too set in their ways, too determined to forge their own road... remember that if you want a good life you do it your own way but if you want an amazing life you do it His way. It won't be easy but looking back it'll be 100% worth it! 

what a day

Today has been one of the hardest days I've had in a long while. I've felt such strong feelings today and they have just bubbled and boiled and I feel like if I don't get them all out I'll explode! So here we are...

After quite some time, debate, excuses and fear... greater fear than I can explain or fully express, I've decided to go to my Bishop for help in the process of Repentance. 

See a long time ago, as a teenager I began a habit that has followed me around for years. Before my mission I tried to repent and felt like I'd done a good job- I'd stopped the bad habit and felt worthy to go and serve. It wasn't a challenge during my mission and I naively thought that when I got home it wouldn't be a problem ever again. I was wrong. 

Since being home the habit has grown- I've known it was wrong. Prayed to stop, determined in myself to change and then days or weeks or sometimes even months later I slip and there I am back where I was. This past week its been consuming me- boredom and free time is a dangerous combination when it comes to temptation and sin. 

At this same time I've been participating in an institute class centered and focused on Repentance and forgiveness. It's inspired me to change and be better, yet the slip ups continue. So today as I drove to institute my heart and mind were open and I finally talked to my Father in Heaven about what I've been dealing with. I told Him it all, the good and the bad and most of all I opened myself up with the honesty that I didn't know what I should do next. I felt lost and empty and needed direction. I knew I needed to tell someone, probably my Bishop but oh man! 

After a few articles I found on churchofjesuschrist.org I felt within myself that the first step, the right step was to talk with my Bishop. I pulled off and wrote a message- after some rewrite and tears I finally hit send. Then I was blessed with a phone call, a hand reaching out with love and compassion my big Brother. He spoke to me of Gods love and mercy. He reassured me this was the right step and that I could do this. That I wasn't evil or damned. It was everything I needed right then and there to keep me from throwing in the towel all over again. 

Then my Bishop responded, in such mercy and compassion he was ready to go. Wanting to help me, free of judgment. I don't know what's going to happen next. But I already feel better. Feel lighter- I know this is a step in the right direction. I have a new sense of hope that I didn't have before and I'm grateful. I'm still afraid to actually talk with my Bishop. I'm afraid of what might happen next.... but I know that with God's love things will be okay. 

If you're trying to find your next step. I encourage you to take it, take the step you feel directed to take. Even if it's hard, exspecially if it's hard. The Lord loves you, He'll walk beside you and will help you one this path. Don't give up! With Christ you can do all things. 

I have felt so angry and sad and hurt... a hurt that cuts deep right down to your center. I've been angry with myself- that I didn't use every second of the time I had been given, that I wasn't there more, that I didn't take more pictures with her. It's hard not to feel bitter and angry about these things... and the hurt just cuts a little deeper with each of these thoughts and feelings. I've also felt angry and hurt and sad that Grandma isn't here now... that her eyes aren't open, that she can't talk, it makes every interaction feel empty. I want a better goodbye. I want a last hug. I want to hear I love you one more time. And the hard truth is... I don't think I'm gonna get to. I don't think her physical body has that strength anymore. 

But during this time of fasting and prayer I have felt something stiring. Memories of times spent together. Of hugs and "I love you"s. Time spent together listening to her voice, her stories, her testimony. I remember her saying I love you. Wishing me healing and peace. Praying for my future, for love. Grandma always saw more good in me than I ever saw in myself. She loved me so completely it was never in question. No matter my choices, mistakes or flaws I 

knew-- I still know. Her love was constant. 

Grandma was a woman of faith and of love. She lived her life to its fullest. Always striving to grow and to help others. She loved deeply and completely. She was fearlessly devoted to Jesus Christ. She knew Him, she knew Him as her personal Savior. Grandma's life touched all those around her for good, because she was goodness and kindness and love. Grandma is everything I want to be when I grow up. Becuase if I can be like her, love like her, listen and follow like her. I know I will be closer to my Father Heaven and to all those I've loved and lost. If I had my wish Grandma would stay, stay with me. But "I do sin in my wish..." even though I don't feel ready I'm going to try to be okay with her moving on. Try to let her know that it's okay. And we'll be okay.

I know our love will never die. We are a family sealed forever in a temple of ou God. How grateful I am for this blessing, this truth and knowledge. I know she is not alone, Grandpa and Marty and Jacob and all those that Grandma has loved and lost are there waiting to welcome her home. What a beautiful and happy reunion that will be. There is joy in this if we remember that death is not the end. That families and love doesn't end. It hurts, I hurt in ways I've forgotten I knew how. But the love is there-- to wrap me up and hold me close. I know that no matter what happens she'll stay near by and at all those moments I want her to share with me she'll be there. 

Xoxo

Happy Birthday Harry!

For the month of July I set quite a loftey goal for myself. My goal was to read the entire Harry Potter series by the end of the month, seeing as July 31st is Harry Potters birthday I felt it was a good time to refresh myself. And let me just say, "HARRY POTTER IS THE GREATEST BOOK SERIES IN THE WORLD!!" Feel free to disagree (as long as you're okay with being wrong haha)

I have throughout my reading been compiling my thought and feelings and I'm gonna dump them all right here. #sorrynotsorry There is not a particular order to any of these thoughts however I will write down which book I was reading when the thoughts came around. 

Harry Potter and the Socerers Stone, book 1:

Alright okay this is such a delightful book. My heart is positively bursting with love. It's like sitting back in your childhood, immediate nostalgia, safety, peace. This is happiness. 

Hermione Granger is an excellent female character. She isn't the emotional one, she's judgmental and harsh at times. She has very much a one track mind- do well in school, excell, prove you belong here. She is such a different take on the typical female lead; not being the compassionate motherly figure, having a wicked side. In many ways she is the original not like other girls (only in her case it's true haha). 

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, book 2:

Those dumb movies did Ronald Weasly so dirty!!! I can't even handle this nonsense!!!

Ron is the heart of the trio- he is the emotional head of the group (The heck was that dumb, "Just because you've got the emotional range of a teaspoon" movie garbage?! *edit* I recognize this line is said by Hermione to Ron in the 5th book. However I think the difference is the way Ron has been portrayed up to that point. In the book Ron simply can quite understand why a bit of kissing wouldn't cheer someone up. In the movie it's like a culmination of all his insensitivity to that point). Ron is constantly moved by emotions; he gets jealous of Harry, he is more than ready to throw hands to defend his family and his friends. He is quick to emotionally support Harry and Hermione, being their resource for non-school related magical knowledge (which makes so much sense; why one earth would Hermonie be the expert on all things magical 24/7 she is a muggle-born and yes she is a good student but as for social things or culturally speaking it makes sense to give Ron the lead). When Harry is being abused and neglected by the Dursleys Ron leads with that lizard part of the brain and makes an emotional decision, GET HARRY OUT NOW! (The only right decision in my opinion). Ron is a perfectly imperfect character led purely by his heart, fiercely loyal to his friends and family (this is why the theory that the Golden trio being a representation of each different house makes so much sense, Hufflepuf is 1000% a perfect fit for Ron), but far from perfect as we see in later books. 

Albus Dumbledore is my hero! He is infinitely compassionate and understanding. When Ginny Weasly is found to be the one who was being controlled into opening the chamber of secrets Dumbledore steps in immediately to separate Ginny from the situation. Making it clear from the first moment that Voldemort was controlling her. And then seeking only that she recieve the care she needed after the traumatic events. Even going as far as reassuring her that there was no lasting harm done. Maybe I'm crazy but that line alone touched me, I even got a little teary, because it was such a show of pure mercy and compassion and forgiveness. Ginny knew, she saw her weaknesses, saw what she had done and the horror of it all. She didn't need a talking to, didn't need any punishment, she needed mercy and Dumbledore gave her that without question. 

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Severous Snape is the absolute worst character in the history of ever!! I don't care what happens in later books or whatever garbage JK has come up. I hate him. Now in contrast to horrible book Snape you have movie Snape and I will give in, movie Snape is wonderful. He's plenty a hero. He's a bit of an uptight, mean and harsh man. But he does good things and if my opinion on Snape was based only on the movie version of Him I'd have little to nothing bad to say about him. 

Sirius is such a tragic hero. He's a young man destroyed by Azkaban and with so little happiness in his life but the moment he meets Harry again he is ready to open his heart and his home to him. It is beautiful and everything they go through is so heartbreaking. It's really a tragedy that the movie didn't show all that was in their relationship. 

Deatheaters are such an interesting symbolic evil. They are hopelessness and despair and there is so much beauty and power in the idea that it is our memories of happiness and joy and peace that help us overcome the darkness. That moment in the end when Harry thought his father had saved him only to realize that no one was going to save him from the darkness. That he needed to save himself and more importantly that he could save himself. There is power in that knowledge and it goes far beyond a book! It's the truth, you can save yourself and you have the power within you to do it! 

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Cedric Digory is beautiful marshmallow and will never be forgotten as the best Hufflepuf since Newt Salamander (idk how to actually spell his last name, you know who I mean tho) the death of Cedric is the start of the war, the end of childhood for many of the students at hogwarts. 

"Harry, did you put your name in the goblet of fire?!?" Nuff said ;) 

I love that JK doesn't shy away from pettiness in these books. She let's Ron and Hermione bicker and stop talking to each other over disagreements. She gives Ron the freedom to be jealous and angsty against Harry. Because that's reality!! We have petty fights, we get butt hurt but if we will have the courage to go back and make it right our friendships can last and even be strengthend. 

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phenix 

Dumbledore's Army is life! A group of teenagers seeing something wrong with their world and doing something about it! Dumbledore's Army is how we can all fight back!! We can learn and prepare for the fights life is going to throw at us. In also showed the uniting, no longer was the focus on houses or ages it was a uniting force. United in one goal (that's not to say they were united on everything. How could they be? But they joined focies and set aside their differences so they could unite in what was most important). 

I love Luna Lovegood! She is my sprit animal ;) Her sense of confidence within herself, her belief (despite people's opinions) never faltered. She had a sense of purpose and self that is beyond admirable. She was weird and odd and off the wall but she showed loyalty and never let the unkindness of others taint her. She is a perfect foil for Severus Snape. Ridiculed and bullied by the other students but instead of turning inward and becoming angry and bitter she turned outward she found a way to love herself and surrounded herself with those who loved her. 

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince 

Oh 'em goodness! I love this one!!! Harry and Ginny are my original OTP! (One true pair for those not deep into Fandom life) their first kiss is a thing of legends! Their relationship is so sweet, Harry simply acknowledging that she makes him happy. There's no better way to show the good of a relationship than to say with honesty that they make you happy, happier than you've ever been. It's just the ultimate sweetest!!! 

The death of Dumbledore is heartbreaking. Say whatever you want but he was a good man and a powerful leader. He inspired hope and in every way he showed us that love would win!

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows 

I am so proud to say that at 11:45 on July 31st I finished this book! *happy dance* 

First of all each character who was lost throughout this book there is a special sort of pain. Dobby and Fred are two that always hit me deep. But somehow it was the loss of Lupin and Tonks that hurts so much. The lsot their future with their child. Teddy lost his parents and it was sort of a repeat of how the book started, a child who was left behind. But this time there is so much more hope for the future. 

I also found myself thinking as I read this book how it's really about redemption. Dumbledore had flaws, he had weaknesses and faults. He'd made mistakes- huge ones in his past. But he learned and from them he changed and grew as a man. He became a champion for those he once ridiculed and judged as lesser. Snape went from supporting the dark arts to fighting against them in everyway he could. I think the biggest difference between them is that Dumbledore changed because of loss and instead of allowing bitterness to fill him he filled himself with a greater sense of love. Whereas Snape held onto the buttress of loss and never allowed love to come back into his life. I still think he sucks- but I do acknowledge a sense of redemption to him. 

Harry named his children like a goofball! Hahaha. I'm sorry I feel strongly about this! Naming his son after Snape makes me sick! Exspecially when in the books he talks about Hagrid being brave and inspiring to him. Albus Rubeus would be much better! And I know he wanted to remember Snape and whatever but blah! No thank you. I also have feeling about the epilog in general. However the thought behind it is good. 

So there you go! Reading Harry Potter this past month has been my light in darkness. This month has been hard for me. I've struggled emotionally and physically and reading Harry Potter has brought me joy and peace. I love this book series and will for always! "Until the very end."- James Potter 

"Just Relax"

My giddy aunt I must hear the words "Just Relax" a thousand times a week. And since it hear it soooo much it must be super helpful right? WRONG! The combining of the words "Just Relax" makes me want to scream my head off, kinda the opposite of what the person saying wants. 

It's like someone is on fire and instead of grabbing water to put them out or pulling them to the ground for the 'stop, drop and roll' you tell them, "You need to put out that fire." Can you see the ineffectiveness? Is it glaringly obvious yet? That's exactly what it feels like to hear, "Just Relax" when I'm feeling out of control- stressed and anxious and overwhelmed. Right there, right then I don't feel like I can put out my fire. My anxiety and fear isn't something I can just switch off in that moment. And telling me, "gee I do believe you need to relax." Does nothing but increase my stress. And adding cautions about how: "you always hate yourself after you act this way" or "your going to make things more miserable for yourself by acting this way" don't help much either. 

Before someone jumps down my throat for being a spoiled brat let me just clarify I recognize my actions and stress levels are inexcusable. I am not trying to justify them. I know damn well that when I get like this I am a legit b*tch and it's %100 true that after my blow up of b*itchiness I am always more upset with myself, my actions and how I treated the people I care about. It's a struggle I have and I am sincerely trying to work on it. I'm trying to practice relaxation and calming techniques. It's like trying to implement fire safety standards but somehow or another you end up standing knee deep in the fire and then you're just SOL from there. 

So my point of this: is maybe we need some new ideas for how to help each other when we or someone we love is loosing that control.

 

In my day job I work with Autistic Kiddos and when they start to spiral out of control with stress and anxiety I don't say: "calm down", "just relax" or anything else. Instead I offer them work able and applicable relaxation techniques. I say things like, "Let's take a deep breath, okay?" Then I just start breathing with them. Leading by example and often anyone near by just immediately join in with whatever breathing I'm doing. Sometimes it works, sometimes not so much. But I have other tools in my tool box! Next I may ask if they need a hug? Or if they need some quiet time? I might try to offer a distraction (something I know they'll enjoy and will genuinely tempt them). Odds are something like these work. And then after they have calmed down (the situation may or may not have changed but their attitude or well being has changed) I will discuss what's wrong, discuss how we can fix it and then we make a plan for the next step. Sometimes discussing what's wrong causes them to get upset again but we just start the cycle again. 

So maybe, just maybe that would work for the rest of us too? How about instead of saying things like, "Just Relax" we try one of these techniques? When someone is upset and stressed try saying, "Should we take some deep breaths? I'm gonna take a deep breath okay?" Or "Do you need a hug?" How about, "How can I help you, how can we fix this?" I don't %100 know if these would work better. But I have to hope and believe that maybe that would be a bit better than, "Just Relax." 

So let's be advocates! Let's discuss these plans with people we love and let them know what we think would help us. Setting expectations and sharing our ideas certainly can't hurt. If nothing else then our people know a bit better what's going on with our heads. Frankly being on fire sucks and if there's anything we can do to help let's do it!!! 

Different or Normal, does it matter?

Recently I got the chance to teach a class to the 7 and 8 yr olds at church. It was lovely!! I adore working with kiddos! I do it in my day job, it's my calling, I love it! However... something occurred at the start of my lesson that really got me thinking:

I had just introduced myself and one of the girls in the class had her hand up, I had no idea what her question or comment might be so I called on her before jumping into the lesson. Her question? "What's wrong with your mouth?" #ouch Boy, I thought I was ready for anything, I was not ready for that question. 

You see, I have a mild speech impediment. It affects the way I pronounce my 's' sound. Coming off as more of a 'sshh' vs the traditional 'ssss' you get what I'm driving at. I'm different, I talk different and I have for all of my life. Honestly I don't think about it much, it's how I talk so it doesn't much matter to me. Until moment like this... suddenly I'm a freak at a circus and the lights are blinding me and I'm much too exposed. It's a horrible feeling, and until you have a "flaw" that people like to point out or question you won't really understand the feeling. Let's just say it sucks.... a lot. 

But it got me thinking. Why are people so hyper focused one differences? Different skin color, hair color, way you talk, dress, eat whatever. Why does is it such a big deal to some and barley noticeable to others? 

For example on my mission my first mission president sat me down and first thing asked about my speech. He wanted to know the what and the why. Frankly I had been terrified before my mission about the speech and this was no help for those anxieties. When the new mission president came in I felt sick, at our first meeting I thought "oh boy, here we go again." But for the remainder of my mission it was never brought up again, not by a companion or mission leader. 

So again I ask why? Why did one president need to know and understand every specific detail and the other not even bring it up? What's the difference? I honestly believe that when you see some one with spiritual eyes instead of mortal ones you begin to see past those mortal flaws, mortal differences. 

And my advice is: it starts with the kids. They don't learn to point things things out, to notice the differences unless we teach them too. Unless we show them by our example or our words. We teach children and then they become adults and the things they learned as children becomes who they are. How they see the world and how they treat others. So please be kind. See others as good. And when all else fails remember the old addage: "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say nothing at all."

Dear future husband

*No copyright infringement intended ;) however when writing to your future husband what else can be said?*

Dear future husband, 

     It's so strange, we've never met (well perhaps we have but I'm not aware of it) yet I think about you. You're in my thoughts throughout the day, in my prayers at night, it's as if you're already apart of me. 

     I long for you in ways I can't explain and words I don't quitw know how to express. I long to hear you laugh, to feel your arms around me, to see you interacting with my brothers and my niece. I long for the future we'll build together and the dreams we'll chase. I long to hold you while you struggle and turn to you for guidance and peace. I long for long talks and long walks, for baking and mess making, for magic moments and average Tuesday's. I guess you could say, "I am a cavern of longing-ness." (~Decoy Bride~) 

     While we spend this time apart; I'm striving to become. Become the woman you will want to marry, the woman God sees within me. I want to be beautiful to you, beyond the skin and into the soul. I want you to see me and see so much more. I'm trying to find ways to face my challenges with hope and with grace. I believe that in this time you too are growing, becoming and transforming. And odd as this may sound I'm trying to learn to be enough without you. Too reach for the stars and dream and hope and live. Because tomorrow isn't promised... and although I hope I find you in this life I'll certainly settle for the next. 

     I heard once from a past temple President that you don't marry your soul mate, you become one. I dream of the day we covenant much more than till death do us part but rather far longer than forever. I'm not hardly naive enough to believe we'll immediately have a happily ever after. But I do believe that as we face challenges together, whatever they may be, we will grow to become true soul mates and we will build the happily ever after I dream of. 

     Until the day we meet,

Xoxo, your future wife