Anxiety

WARNING! THE FOLLOWING INCLUDES A DESCRIPTION OF AN ANXIETY ATTACK! 

*deep breath in* RUN *deep breath out* ESCAPE *breath in* UNSAFE *out* YOU HAVE TO GET OUT!!! 

What is happening?!.... unexplained, terrifying, loss of control, fear- uncontrollable fear. This was my experience going to a YSA activity last night. 

I went outside and cried on the drive way. I tried to breath. Tried to think. Tried to calm myself down...I couldn't... I was in danger. I was afraid. I was alone. I needed to get away. I decided to leave, just gotta get home. I need to get home... home.... I needed help. 

I calmed myself, wiped my face went inside. Couldn't breath, can't think... can't stay. 

My friend followed me back out. 

"Are you okay?" I'm crying again, crying before she finished her sentence. I can't breath. Can't think. I need to run! Run where? I don't know. I'm not safe! Fear, doubt. I'm lost, alone. She hugs me. I cry, she cries. I try to breath, she just holds on. I apologize over and over. She holds me. 

I am empty, exhausted. My breathing has steadied. My heart beat slowed. I can think again.... I have control again. 

This was an anxiety attack. Not my first, but by far the worst in quite some time. Looking back I can remember the fear and confusion. But I also think, what on earth? You were fine. You made such a fool of yourself, crying in the drive way. Hope the neighbors didn't see. But thoughts, clarity, understanding that doesn't exist when anxiety is screaming: RUN! HIDE! ESCAPE! YOU'RE TRAPPED! THIS IS BAD! Nothing in that moment makes sense, only the feelings. There is nothing but fear and doubt. 

Anxiety is real. It can be scary. But remember you are not alone. You are loved. You are seen. You can make it through this. I believe in you.... 

From one anxious chick to another; hang in there! 

Be the one that honks

I was driving down the road, it had been a long day. I'd spent a lot of time on the road and I was ready for the day to end. When I saw out my window two boys waving from the sidewalk, gesturing for those driving by to honk. So without really thinking I honked my horn and smiled as their excitement grew and the jumped up and down grabbing at each other because they'd gotten me to honk. 

Now I don't know how many drivers honked as they passed, I hope lots did. But I know most cars along side me didn't. And why not? It wasn't hard to do, it didn't harm anyone in fact it was something that could easily be done without much thought at all. So why don't we just always honk?

I believe that there are two main reasons why we forget to honk. The first because we don't see it as important or meaningful. If it doesn't matter why do it? I don't think honking for those boys is something they will remember forever honestly I think they forgot about me the moment I drove past. But I haven't forgotten, for a small moment I sent some good into the world. I sent just a bit of kindness out and we don't really now just what affect that will have. You see, I think as a society we have become ultra focused on our lasting impact, WE WANT TO CHANGE THE FUTURE! But along the way we forget that our small actions, things that seemly don't matter can change someone's day. So maybe instead of focusing on changing the future we just focus on today. Change today, make it good and beautiful and be grateful for it. And along the way I believe we will change the future in ways we will never expect. 

The second reason I think we don't honk is because we are hyper focused on ourselves. All we see is us, our drive home, the work ahead or behind and we miss the things around us. On my mission we called it: 'being quick to observe.' I remember a story my Mission President told about a group of missionaries so focused on each other and being together that 2 complete strangers walked right through their midst without a single word from the missionaries. Are we like that? Completely oblivious of those around us? Those who ask so little of us, just a honk, a smile and kind word. With every struggle we face it's easy to see how we could simple miss our opportunity to help someone else. 

I invite you to be the one who honks! Focus on today, open your eyes and see those around you. Spread kindness like glitter so it never truly leaves us. 

An open letter

Dear Marty,

     It's been one whole year since you left us. One year since you lost your fight with mental illness. A year of strangeness and sadness and trying to remember or understand. 

     I hope that you are well up there. I hope you and Grandpa are sitting together watching over us, petting all the dogs up there. Somehow I know that you're not as far away as you may seem. I believe that you have found the peace you couldn't find here. I hope with all my heart that you know just how much we miss you. How much we love you. 

     Marty, this year has been an eye opener for me. I've started therapy, trying to get help with my issues. I've struggled this year, it's been hard-- harder than I ever could've imagined. My mental health has really deteriorated this past year. Anxiety has spiked and suddenly I'm facing depression which is so unfamiliar and scary all at once. 

    I was driving the other day when suddenly I felt like I understood you... I can't imagine just how empty and hopeless you must have been feeling to end your life, to think that was the only option. And yet, dealing with this darkness and weight and sadness it's suffocating some days. I still believe that hope and help is coming... but two years with this, five, ten... I don't know if I could do it. In a way I never expected I finally understood what could've let you to this choice. And oh how it broke my heart. I cried and cried. Oh Marty, dear Marty. I cannot wait to wrap my arms around you and just let you know. I wish I could've been there for you in life more. 

     There's a hundred things I would do differently if I could. Would it change things? I honestly don't know. Would you have let me in if I'd tried? I don't know. But I wish I could've had a second chance. So I am making this my second chance. I promise you that I won't give up this fight. I promise that no one who comes across my path will leave feeling less loved. I am going to love people with all my heart, I am going to listen more and judge less. 

     Marty I am going to remember you and because of you I am going to be better. I love you Marty. I miss you. I'm so grateful you've been a part of my family. Until I see you again my cousin and my friend. 

Xoxo 😘

Self Affirmation

This past week, which was decidedly harder than I'd anticipated, I made the decision to start implementing the use of self affirmations. It's something many, many people have reccomended but it took some personal thought and reflection before deciding, "what do I have to loose?" And just going for it! This is my little self help guide for you to follow or not to help yourself with implementing Self Affirmations into your own life! Don't worry we can do this friend! 

So what exactly is a self affirmation? Well usually it's a statement or phrase that is positive or empowering to help fight against negativity or criticism coming from within. The most common examples start with "I am...." and then usually some sort of positive comment about yourself i.e. "I am beautiful" or else it might be an "I can" or "I will" phrase all of this meant to help adjust your mindset. Honestly take a gander on Google and you'll find plenty of examples if you do a quick search for Self Affirmations. 

Some people just use pre-written affirmations, that's always what I'd tried to do in the past. It wasn't the best for me though because I often turned off my emotional response to them. So they were less than affective. This time I decided I would write my own. Yup! *nervous laughter has entered this chat* 😅

In order to help myself succeed I did some research via (yup you guessed it) the Google. I found this article from PostivePsychology.com which did an excellent job explaining self affirmations, their origin, uses and how to's along with the science behind why and how they work. It also included some tips to write your own and examples of reccomended affirmations. It closed the article with a handful of additional resources from YouTube videos to books to apps. I highly reccomend this article if you have questions about affirmations or if you want to do something similar to what I did for yourself so consider this to be Step one. After this research the part that grabbed me the most from the article was the idea that for self affirmations to be the most effective they have to reflect my core values. 

So a logical step Two was to ask myself: What are my core personal values? 

I just pulled out my study journal and made a quick list. What made the list? Simple stuff: friendship, kindness, compassion, happiness, etc. Knowing what I value was great and throughout writing the list I knew it was true based on how it made me feel. The feeling that it just 'rings true' was what I was relying on. So listen to yourself and don't just write what you think your values should be. Also don't just write the values you feel like you live true to 100% because let's be honest that's a rather unrealistic expectationand there's a good possibility nothing would make the list. Instead even if you struggle to live true to it you'll know how important it is to you if it's something something focus on frequently. And funny as this may seem it some ways I knew it was something that really matters to me if it's also something my inner critic often points out as something I fail at constantly. So if that helps you determine your values use that to filter your list. 

The third step I took was listing things I felt that I needed help with, areas (more abstract than literal) where I needed help. So confidence rather than listing my job, makes sense? Like if you have a specific example of an area of struggle but not sure how it fits try to break down why you struggle with it. Using the original example of Work, why is work something I need help with? Maybe it's because I doubt my ability to do my job well i.e. confidence. Once you've broken it down the why hopefully it'll lead you to a value or something of that like you can work off of. If not that's okay we can work with it anyway! 

Step four: time to write!! Start with an I am or I will or I can statement and then choose a value to build off of. Maybe it's "I am kind" or maybe it's "I will choose to be kind to myself especially when I don't feel I deserve it" in this example the value is clearly kindness and could address struggles with an inner critics lack of kindness towards daily perceived failure. As you write listen to your heart, listen to how you feel as you write the words do they bring you a sense of peace? Yes? then you're on the right track! Don't feel bad if you don't feel something even if it sounds good or you think it would make a good affirmation, to that I say *blows raspberry*. This is completely personal! And there are absolutely no expectations you need to meet, just write what you feel! Don't stress about spelling or grammer or run on sentences or anything else!! After writing something then go ahead and edit it as needed to make it smooth and clear, I reccomend trying to read it out loud see how that sounds but more importantly see how it feels still feeling the peace or the ringing of truth? Good job you did it! If not look at what stands out as needing to change and make whatever adjustments feel right. Then check it again until you get something that works for you! Because these are meant to be personal I won't be sharing mine, but trust me they are certainly not award worthy! But they are exactly what I need right now. 

I wrote only 3 affirmations I didn't want to overwhelm myself and 3 just felt like a good number. I wrote and rewrote until I felt right. Then I decided I wanted to have these somewhere I'd see them everyday, my bathroom mirror. Since I want to more creative/artistic I decided to decorate some pretty paper and then use hand lettering to write them all pretty like. So I guess you could consider this step five but it's definitely optional! I used this marble paper craft  technique that uses food coloring and shaving cream (sounds weird but it totally works) and I've included this helpful DIY article to help you do it too if you want too! Then once the paper dries I added my affirmations and lamentated them before taping them to my mirror. I highly recommend some sort of creative outlet to help really get these things to sink in. Plus there's so much positive research about creativity helping with mental illness so if you have the time try something out.

The final step is to actually start using these affirmations. You can decided how often or when and everything else. For myself I try to say them 3 times in the mirror each morning. It's a good way to start my day and then throughout the day as I see them I might read them again at the point, it is surprising just how often to come to mind after only a few days of doing this exercise! Find what works for you and do it! Don't be afraid to adjust if something isn't working and don't be afraid to make it stupid simple for yourself. Maybe you record yourself saying them and make it your wake up alarm the possibilities are endless just do whatever works best for you! 

Now go forth you majestic unicorn. Affirm yourself straight to success and happiness! Xoxo  

Not ________ enough (fill in the blank)

Self criticism is a cancer. It starts out small, most likely a self depreciating joke or a "no I'm not" following any complement. But if left unchecked it grows and grows and grows. Until there's more negativity than positive and you truly believe the lies you've been spouting. 

There's probably a hundred different reasons why the criticism starts and what drives it forward and for each and every person it's going to be different. Maybe you can pin-point a motivator or maybe you can't, maybe your logical common sense brain says "this isn't true.... this isn't kind... I need to stop" or maybe it doesn't. Because the truth is self criticism is so easy to fall into and so so impossibly hard to escape. 

This has become my life. I am terrorized by a bully, an ever present monster, a monkey always on my shoulder reminding me constantly that I am not enough. Not pretty enough. Not smart enough. Not fun enough. Not skinny enough. Not kind enough. Not doing enough. Not good enough. Just not enough. And it hurts and the feeling that follow it are real and valid and they hurt too... but feelings are not facts. *As my therapist likes to remind me* 

And when someone calls me out on my B.S. with words like: You're beautiful and I love you. Or don't say such mean things about my friend, I love her. Or be kinder to yourself. Or a host of dozens of other comments usually followed by some type of advice on how to fix this problem I have. These words come from love and concern and compassion but feel like knives. Knives handed to my bully who stabs them in repeatedly. 

Because now I'm not kind enough to myself. And such a disappointment to those who love you. And no one wants to be around you because of this. And why don't you fix it already so you stop hurting people. And if you don't fix it you will end up alone and unloved. And all the while I shrink in the corner wanting to hid under a blanket and never show my face again. 

Even when these words come from a loving place and even when they come in kindness and the best of intentions they are still used against me. And it feels like a never ending cycle that's impossible to escape. Because the truth is you just want someone to pat you on the back and say you did a good job. You don't want someone to point out another flaw and give another piece of advice on how to fix yourself. 

You just desperately want someone to tell you that what you're doing is enough. That they see how hard getting up is but you did it! And they see how hard you're working and noticed that you showered and oh my goodness you ate vegetables today? You are a Rockstar! You incredibly sexy beast! Look at you living today. And does it sound sort of silly sure but boy would it feel good. Even if that bully whispers it's not true over and over if you keep hearing it maybe it'll show up one day when the voice says not enough. Am I saying it should only come from other certainly not. But right now when I'm in the bottom of a pit listening to someone yell down, "You know you're in the bottom of a pit right? Maybe if you tried meditation and positive affirmation you wouldn't be down there." Is, unsurprisingly, the exact opposite of helpful. So this is a PSA for anyone who has a friend, family member or acquaintance who faces struggles (does that include you? It doesn't, okay let's just say anyone who can breath BOOM now you're included): just encourage them for everything they are doing. And if you feel inspired to offer advice or call them on the B.S. maybe check with them first make sure if will be actually helpful and not hurtful. And if it's not helpful right now just hold off. When they are ready, when they have the extra energy and strength to work on it then offer your advice with a healthy dose of encouragement. Or if you are worried they aren't ever going to make it out of the pit, worried they may just choose to stay down their forever by all mean make a rope and climb down and do everything you can do get them back out or better yet just sit there. Just be there for them. Let them know that they aren't alone in this pit. 

And for those in the pit? Don't give up. I see you! I see how hard you are working to just breath in and out each day. You are amazing. You can do this! You are not alone. Do what you can right now to help yourself maybe with a therapist or meds or both or neither. Maybe it's with pet cuddles, a bath and a good book. Whatever you do I am proud of you. I know how hard it is and just getting out of bed today is incredible. You are doing so much more than you see. Don't give up and don't forget. 

perfection

Today I woke up, I wasn't feeling 100% haven't been eating as well as I know I should be. So I got up, did my makeup and my hair then I found a cute dress to wear to church. 

Then I came upstairs, walked by a mirror and suddenly an overwhelming 'blah came over me. 

I don't know how to describe it in words so I call it the great 'blah' yup. You know what I'm talking about. You don't feel good about yourself, the world or anything else. And there's not just one thing you can say upset you it's a million tiny things. You feel heavy and empty and sad. 

So I changed my cloths and took off some of my makeup. I still made it to church, despite the 'blah' I brought with me. At church I tried to listen but mostly cried (ruining all my remaining makeup haha) I read a few articles about anxiety and perfectionism. I have a problem yup, no doubt about it. My perfectionism makes me anxious and sad. 

I've always know I was a perfectionist of course, how could I not. But now I know I have a real problem. And I'm gonna work on it. I'm gonna pray about it and talk to my therapist. I'm gonna get a book about imperfection and I know I can work though this. 

Fear of Intimacy?

So I think I have a problem. As many of you know my dating escapades have been less than successful throughout my life. And just the other day those same feelings reared their ugly little heads. Alright let you catch you up to speed;

His name is GS (stands for German shepherd because those are his favorite dogs, what you thought I'd be crazy enough to use his real name?) We started casually talking during the first shutdown this year. I connected with him on Mutual however that wasn't actually how we first met. See GS is in my stake so I'd seen him several times at different YSA activities. He was always very nice and fun to be around but there wasn't like insane infatuation going on, though there was some casual flirting. Anyway we started talking online and it was pretty casual just get to know you type things didn't really go anywhere. We stopped talking then jump forward a few months and randomly I decide to reach out again. We start talking this time things are different he asks if I'd want to go out sometime I quickly agree and then nothing. So I get a little forward and nudge us into our first date the date took place in September, we went on our second date in October and I asked him on a 3rd but he got sick and had to cancel this past weekend we finally cross the 3rd date line. 

On this 3rd date among other things we cuddled and before he left I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek he returned it and then I immediately felt sick to my stomach. This has happened before after moments of intimacy (cuddles, hand holding, thoughts of kissing on the lips) its a real buzz-killer. That evening he and I DTRed over messenger (for those not of the text speech generation DTR means define the relationship). We agreed to keep seeing each other and creep into bf/gf territory i.e. he said I could introduce/refer to him as my bf but he wanted to move real slow like. Okay great whatever. However the same nauseous feeling returned. This has happened before too. 

With my only other attempt at a bf after we had cuddled and such I felt like we'd crossed some lines relationship wise and might be straying bf/gf area (to be fair we, specifically he, were both a bit younger and I didn't want to make things too complex at the point). Anyways the sick feeling came and after making some pretty serious ground rules it went away. However my feelings changed.... right as we should be getting closer than ever I was doing everything I could to push him away. I didn't reply to his messages, I was critical, I wasn't open with him about my feelings, it was a mess. For so long I'd blamed those issues on the fact that during this time I was also dealing with a chronic illness diagnosis and life was pretty bleak and messy. So I'd always brushed away those mental emotional issues. 

The thing is right after GS and I DTRed I suddenly felt sick the next time he called me sweetheart and my desire to message him has lessened, that not to say I don't thin about him I do! A lot actually. But I don't want to reply right away and I don't do as much to keep conversations going. So I've decided something is wrong but what? 

Well after some googling and article reading I realized I might have a fear of intimacy (not to be confused with a fear of sex although that may very well be an issue as well and can be a part of this). I did an physc assessment to a track your FIS (fear of intimacy) levels after scoring it my score was 127 for some perspective the lowest score you can get is 35 and the highest is 175. The US average score? Between 80-90. Yup.... I think I have a problem alright. 

Thankfully I have a therapy session on Monday and this will definitely be a topic of discussion let me tell you what! Here's the thing though they talked about reasons why someone would have high levels of FIS and a lot of them came back to trauma and abuse, which I have been blessed never to truly experience. But then they talked about Soca Anxiety and fear of judgment oh... oh dang... hit that one right on the head. So what do I do? I don't know... obviously therapy haha. 

Some other things reccomend in the articles I read was practicing self compassion something I am focusing on right now and reading a book about as well. Also addressing and working with the inner critic (mine is loud and very present) and she's something I've been working on with my therapist as well. Another thought? Talking about these things with your partner, don't leave them in the dark haha yeah no thanks. Let's not dump all the crazy on GS right now. But maybe I should idk... it's so scary though!! I did feel like I should talk about it though and so I figured I'd write this and maybe it would help. It sorta did...  at least I have all these thoughts and feelings out of my head. 

Well until next time I guess... thanks for listening. Wishing you love and happiness going forward! 

P.s. here are some links to the articles I read and the assessment I took:

Self sabotaging. Fear of intimacy. FIS assesment and scoring. Overcoming fear of intimacy.