integrity

   Ever heard the saying: "Don't reinvent the wheel"?  Usually, it's used when you're trying to do something relatively simple and instead of using the path already paved, you're trying to find your own way crashing around in the bushes and in the process making it so much harder for yourself. Integrity falls right smack dap in the center of this concept. I mean it seems like such a simple concept: don't lie, don't cheat, don't compromise your beliefs. If you live with integrity and then *boom* happy and successful life.   

    Is this really true though? And if it is why is there so much pressure about living with Integrity?   

    I think when you choose to live with integrity in every aspect of your life you put a big target on your back. Look at Abraham Lincoln, he was so well known as an honest man that he got the nickname "Honest Abe." And look how things ended up for him? In all seriousness though, Abraham Lincoln is a personal hero of mine because he chose at every opportunity to live according to his beliefs and what was right. He focused not on the cost of his honesty and beliefs but instead on the blessings and goodness that would come from them.  

    There is a cost to being a person of integrity. You may be judged as a prude by others, you may not have the gain others get from their seedy choices, you often walk alone. But the blessings that come from your choices will far out way the challenges.  

 

    You will never have others question you or your actions. You will always have the confidence of your loved ones. You will always have a sense of inner peace because you are living true to your beliefs. You will have healthy relationships with others both privately and professionally. You will be able to impact change within society. Others will listen to and respect you-- even if they don't agree with you.  

 

    Having Integrity starts with a commitment and then every day and by a thousand little choices you follow through. Integrity means to be true to yourself first and always; no matter where, no matter why you chose what’s right. Integrity has a cost but I believe it is and always will be worth it. My choice is integrity. I hope yours will be too.  

Repost of an assignment!

For one of my classes I have to write blog posts reflecting on what I've learned and experienced. Obviously I created a new blog for this haha! But I felt like my first reflection was good enough to be on this blog too. So here's a copy and pasted version! 

The first day of something new is never easy and my first day of online school was no different. 

After going over the syllabus and doing several readings I got to the quiz. At first everything was fine, I'm answering questions feeling comfortable with my understanding and then there's a question I don't instantly know the answer to, followed by another and another. Dread, that's all I could feel and suddenly the bombardment of negativity hits; you're not smart enough, you're going to fail, you can't do this. For a moment I believed those lies and then I felt reminded that this was no ordinary online school, this was a place where I could grow intellectually and spiritually. I mean I'd read a talk by an Apostle as part of my class assignments! So I took a deep breath and started to pray, not to be given the answers, to have peace, to know my worth and to just do my best. 

I know that may not have been the purpose of my first day of school but that experience gave me the chance to learn exactly what God needed me too learn. I was surprised as I've reflected on this experience that it relates well to the mission statement shared by Elder Bednar in his address: Your Whole Souls as an Offering Unto Him. He said,

"The mission of Ricks College has four important and interrelated parts:   1. Build testimonies of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ and encourage living its principles. 2. Provide a quality education for students of diverse interests and abilities. 3. Prepare students for further education and employment, and for their roles as citizens and parents. 4. Maintain a wholesome academic, cultural, social and spiritual environment."

The purpose of this class was explained as a place to learn about ourselves, so that we can become our best selves and be prepared for further opportunities in our life. I am grateful for the reminder that although I may be studying online and alone I am not alone. I have the ability to invite the spirit to help me throughout every class and assignment and experience. I know that as I do my part in this class to learn and to be worthy of the Spirit I will succeed the way Heavenly Father wants me to. And I'm just so excited for what's to come! 

Farewell 2021

Farewell 2021!! I can't believe how quickly the year came to an end. Let's do a quick little recap of the past year;

•I read 22 books throughout the year. Including rereading the entire Harry Potter series during the month of July. 

•Started going to institute again, loved my class on Forgiveness and Repentance. Plus I made some friends. (:

•Got called to serve as a 1st councilor in the Stake Primary. I have felt overwhelmed... and uncertain but I've also felt that I have the opportunity to be a blessing to others because of and through my calling. 

•Witnessed the passing of my Grandmother. It was one of the most painful experiences and yet somehow it was also one of the most spiritual. 

•Got myself a puppy!! He's the cutest little boy and is such a sweetie. I'm so grateful I get to care for him and for all the love he brings into my life. 

•Asked a guy out on a date- he didn't say yes but I felt proud that I took step to change and move toward the future I want. 

•Decided to go back to school. It was kinda a crazy moment for me but January 5th I start my business degree through BYU-Pathways. I never thought I'd get here, but it feels right. 

•Bought my first car! Thanks Grandma!! 

•Gained some weight, lost some weight. 

•Started therapy, it was good and helpful and I should probably go back but "ain't nobody got time for that." 

•Made hot chocolate bombs for the first time! They sold well and were so tasty!! 

•Learn more about the atonement than ever before! Gained a person testimony of it's power and saw it help me change in my life. 

•Made it through the year without anything going up my butt ;) no colonoscopy or sigmoid for this girl!! 

•Baked for 3 weddings this year among doing many other events. 

This year wasn't perfect. But the good outweighed the bad. The blessing were ever present this year and I'm excited for what 2022 will offer! 

choose to be open!

Hello friends! So much has happened recently and trying to write it all out feels like trying to slowly release a waterfall haha... however I'll save the life update for another post. This is simply another rant- as I'm so prone to. 

I believe that we need to have a sense of openness about ourselves to thrive in life. If we are always closed off, saying no thanks and walking within our very small bubble we'll miss out on some pretty incredible opportunities. 

See I have this friend, she's pretty anti steady relationship. Totally fine- you have to be ready for it. But it's to a point that she won't even go out with a guy without telling him that there's no chance for anything more than a single date. Now again not objectly wrong, however! Can you see how having that attitude could close you off to opportunities and blessing the Lord might have in store for you?

Instead of telling every guy you meet this is a one and done date for me. Simply say: I'm not looking for a steady relationship right now. But be open- be ready that if the right person comes along, if the spirit is present you act! You follow.

If I've learned anything over the past few years it's I have a plan and God has a plan and if I pigheadly follow my own plan I'd miss out on a lot. Trusting the Lord and his plan for you isn't easy. Sometimes it means giving up on a thing you want, sometimes it's waiting for your hopes and dreams. But when you are open to what the Lord has you'll never miss out and I know you won't regret it! 

So for those too closed off, too set in their ways, too determined to forge their own road... remember that if you want a good life you do it your own way but if you want an amazing life you do it His way. It won't be easy but looking back it'll be 100% worth it! 

what a day

Today has been one of the hardest days I've had in a long while. I've felt such strong feelings today and they have just bubbled and boiled and I feel like if I don't get them all out I'll explode! So here we are...

After quite some time, debate, excuses and fear... greater fear than I can explain or fully express, I've decided to go to my Bishop for help in the process of Repentance. 

See a long time ago, as a teenager I began a habit that has followed me around for years. Before my mission I tried to repent and felt like I'd done a good job- I'd stopped the bad habit and felt worthy to go and serve. It wasn't a challenge during my mission and I naively thought that when I got home it wouldn't be a problem ever again. I was wrong. 

Since being home the habit has grown- I've known it was wrong. Prayed to stop, determined in myself to change and then days or weeks or sometimes even months later I slip and there I am back where I was. This past week its been consuming me- boredom and free time is a dangerous combination when it comes to temptation and sin. 

At this same time I've been participating in an institute class centered and focused on Repentance and forgiveness. It's inspired me to change and be better, yet the slip ups continue. So today as I drove to institute my heart and mind were open and I finally talked to my Father in Heaven about what I've been dealing with. I told Him it all, the good and the bad and most of all I opened myself up with the honesty that I didn't know what I should do next. I felt lost and empty and needed direction. I knew I needed to tell someone, probably my Bishop but oh man! 

After a few articles I found on churchofjesuschrist.org I felt within myself that the first step, the right step was to talk with my Bishop. I pulled off and wrote a message- after some rewrite and tears I finally hit send. Then I was blessed with a phone call, a hand reaching out with love and compassion my big Brother. He spoke to me of Gods love and mercy. He reassured me this was the right step and that I could do this. That I wasn't evil or damned. It was everything I needed right then and there to keep me from throwing in the towel all over again. 

Then my Bishop responded, in such mercy and compassion he was ready to go. Wanting to help me, free of judgment. I don't know what's going to happen next. But I already feel better. Feel lighter- I know this is a step in the right direction. I have a new sense of hope that I didn't have before and I'm grateful. I'm still afraid to actually talk with my Bishop. I'm afraid of what might happen next.... but I know that with God's love things will be okay. 

If you're trying to find your next step. I encourage you to take it, take the step you feel directed to take. Even if it's hard, exspecially if it's hard. The Lord loves you, He'll walk beside you and will help you one this path. Don't give up! With Christ you can do all things. 

I have felt so angry and sad and hurt... a hurt that cuts deep right down to your center. I've been angry with myself- that I didn't use every second of the time I had been given, that I wasn't there more, that I didn't take more pictures with her. It's hard not to feel bitter and angry about these things... and the hurt just cuts a little deeper with each of these thoughts and feelings. I've also felt angry and hurt and sad that Grandma isn't here now... that her eyes aren't open, that she can't talk, it makes every interaction feel empty. I want a better goodbye. I want a last hug. I want to hear I love you one more time. And the hard truth is... I don't think I'm gonna get to. I don't think her physical body has that strength anymore. 

But during this time of fasting and prayer I have felt something stiring. Memories of times spent together. Of hugs and "I love you"s. Time spent together listening to her voice, her stories, her testimony. I remember her saying I love you. Wishing me healing and peace. Praying for my future, for love. Grandma always saw more good in me than I ever saw in myself. She loved me so completely it was never in question. No matter my choices, mistakes or flaws I 

knew-- I still know. Her love was constant. 

Grandma was a woman of faith and of love. She lived her life to its fullest. Always striving to grow and to help others. She loved deeply and completely. She was fearlessly devoted to Jesus Christ. She knew Him, she knew Him as her personal Savior. Grandma's life touched all those around her for good, because she was goodness and kindness and love. Grandma is everything I want to be when I grow up. Becuase if I can be like her, love like her, listen and follow like her. I know I will be closer to my Father Heaven and to all those I've loved and lost. If I had my wish Grandma would stay, stay with me. But "I do sin in my wish..." even though I don't feel ready I'm going to try to be okay with her moving on. Try to let her know that it's okay. And we'll be okay.

I know our love will never die. We are a family sealed forever in a temple of ou God. How grateful I am for this blessing, this truth and knowledge. I know she is not alone, Grandpa and Marty and Jacob and all those that Grandma has loved and lost are there waiting to welcome her home. What a beautiful and happy reunion that will be. There is joy in this if we remember that death is not the end. That families and love doesn't end. It hurts, I hurt in ways I've forgotten I knew how. But the love is there-- to wrap me up and hold me close. I know that no matter what happens she'll stay near by and at all those moments I want her to share with me she'll be there. 

Xoxo

Happy Birthday Harry!

For the month of July I set quite a loftey goal for myself. My goal was to read the entire Harry Potter series by the end of the month, seeing as July 31st is Harry Potters birthday I felt it was a good time to refresh myself. And let me just say, "HARRY POTTER IS THE GREATEST BOOK SERIES IN THE WORLD!!" Feel free to disagree (as long as you're okay with being wrong haha)

I have throughout my reading been compiling my thought and feelings and I'm gonna dump them all right here. #sorrynotsorry There is not a particular order to any of these thoughts however I will write down which book I was reading when the thoughts came around. 

Harry Potter and the Socerers Stone, book 1:

Alright okay this is such a delightful book. My heart is positively bursting with love. It's like sitting back in your childhood, immediate nostalgia, safety, peace. This is happiness. 

Hermione Granger is an excellent female character. She isn't the emotional one, she's judgmental and harsh at times. She has very much a one track mind- do well in school, excell, prove you belong here. She is such a different take on the typical female lead; not being the compassionate motherly figure, having a wicked side. In many ways she is the original not like other girls (only in her case it's true haha). 

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, book 2:

Those dumb movies did Ronald Weasly so dirty!!! I can't even handle this nonsense!!!

Ron is the heart of the trio- he is the emotional head of the group (The heck was that dumb, "Just because you've got the emotional range of a teaspoon" movie garbage?! *edit* I recognize this line is said by Hermione to Ron in the 5th book. However I think the difference is the way Ron has been portrayed up to that point. In the book Ron simply can quite understand why a bit of kissing wouldn't cheer someone up. In the movie it's like a culmination of all his insensitivity to that point). Ron is constantly moved by emotions; he gets jealous of Harry, he is more than ready to throw hands to defend his family and his friends. He is quick to emotionally support Harry and Hermione, being their resource for non-school related magical knowledge (which makes so much sense; why one earth would Hermonie be the expert on all things magical 24/7 she is a muggle-born and yes she is a good student but as for social things or culturally speaking it makes sense to give Ron the lead). When Harry is being abused and neglected by the Dursleys Ron leads with that lizard part of the brain and makes an emotional decision, GET HARRY OUT NOW! (The only right decision in my opinion). Ron is a perfectly imperfect character led purely by his heart, fiercely loyal to his friends and family (this is why the theory that the Golden trio being a representation of each different house makes so much sense, Hufflepuf is 1000% a perfect fit for Ron), but far from perfect as we see in later books. 

Albus Dumbledore is my hero! He is infinitely compassionate and understanding. When Ginny Weasly is found to be the one who was being controlled into opening the chamber of secrets Dumbledore steps in immediately to separate Ginny from the situation. Making it clear from the first moment that Voldemort was controlling her. And then seeking only that she recieve the care she needed after the traumatic events. Even going as far as reassuring her that there was no lasting harm done. Maybe I'm crazy but that line alone touched me, I even got a little teary, because it was such a show of pure mercy and compassion and forgiveness. Ginny knew, she saw her weaknesses, saw what she had done and the horror of it all. She didn't need a talking to, didn't need any punishment, she needed mercy and Dumbledore gave her that without question. 

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Severous Snape is the absolute worst character in the history of ever!! I don't care what happens in later books or whatever garbage JK has come up. I hate him. Now in contrast to horrible book Snape you have movie Snape and I will give in, movie Snape is wonderful. He's plenty a hero. He's a bit of an uptight, mean and harsh man. But he does good things and if my opinion on Snape was based only on the movie version of Him I'd have little to nothing bad to say about him. 

Sirius is such a tragic hero. He's a young man destroyed by Azkaban and with so little happiness in his life but the moment he meets Harry again he is ready to open his heart and his home to him. It is beautiful and everything they go through is so heartbreaking. It's really a tragedy that the movie didn't show all that was in their relationship. 

Deatheaters are such an interesting symbolic evil. They are hopelessness and despair and there is so much beauty and power in the idea that it is our memories of happiness and joy and peace that help us overcome the darkness. That moment in the end when Harry thought his father had saved him only to realize that no one was going to save him from the darkness. That he needed to save himself and more importantly that he could save himself. There is power in that knowledge and it goes far beyond a book! It's the truth, you can save yourself and you have the power within you to do it! 

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Cedric Digory is beautiful marshmallow and will never be forgotten as the best Hufflepuf since Newt Salamander (idk how to actually spell his last name, you know who I mean tho) the death of Cedric is the start of the war, the end of childhood for many of the students at hogwarts. 

"Harry, did you put your name in the goblet of fire?!?" Nuff said ;) 

I love that JK doesn't shy away from pettiness in these books. She let's Ron and Hermione bicker and stop talking to each other over disagreements. She gives Ron the freedom to be jealous and angsty against Harry. Because that's reality!! We have petty fights, we get butt hurt but if we will have the courage to go back and make it right our friendships can last and even be strengthend. 

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phenix 

Dumbledore's Army is life! A group of teenagers seeing something wrong with their world and doing something about it! Dumbledore's Army is how we can all fight back!! We can learn and prepare for the fights life is going to throw at us. In also showed the uniting, no longer was the focus on houses or ages it was a uniting force. United in one goal (that's not to say they were united on everything. How could they be? But they joined focies and set aside their differences so they could unite in what was most important). 

I love Luna Lovegood! She is my sprit animal ;) Her sense of confidence within herself, her belief (despite people's opinions) never faltered. She had a sense of purpose and self that is beyond admirable. She was weird and odd and off the wall but she showed loyalty and never let the unkindness of others taint her. She is a perfect foil for Severus Snape. Ridiculed and bullied by the other students but instead of turning inward and becoming angry and bitter she turned outward she found a way to love herself and surrounded herself with those who loved her. 

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince 

Oh 'em goodness! I love this one!!! Harry and Ginny are my original OTP! (One true pair for those not deep into Fandom life) their first kiss is a thing of legends! Their relationship is so sweet, Harry simply acknowledging that she makes him happy. There's no better way to show the good of a relationship than to say with honesty that they make you happy, happier than you've ever been. It's just the ultimate sweetest!!! 

The death of Dumbledore is heartbreaking. Say whatever you want but he was a good man and a powerful leader. He inspired hope and in every way he showed us that love would win!

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows 

I am so proud to say that at 11:45 on July 31st I finished this book! *happy dance* 

First of all each character who was lost throughout this book there is a special sort of pain. Dobby and Fred are two that always hit me deep. But somehow it was the loss of Lupin and Tonks that hurts so much. The lsot their future with their child. Teddy lost his parents and it was sort of a repeat of how the book started, a child who was left behind. But this time there is so much more hope for the future. 

I also found myself thinking as I read this book how it's really about redemption. Dumbledore had flaws, he had weaknesses and faults. He'd made mistakes- huge ones in his past. But he learned and from them he changed and grew as a man. He became a champion for those he once ridiculed and judged as lesser. Snape went from supporting the dark arts to fighting against them in everyway he could. I think the biggest difference between them is that Dumbledore changed because of loss and instead of allowing bitterness to fill him he filled himself with a greater sense of love. Whereas Snape held onto the buttress of loss and never allowed love to come back into his life. I still think he sucks- but I do acknowledge a sense of redemption to him. 

Harry named his children like a goofball! Hahaha. I'm sorry I feel strongly about this! Naming his son after Snape makes me sick! Exspecially when in the books he talks about Hagrid being brave and inspiring to him. Albus Rubeus would be much better! And I know he wanted to remember Snape and whatever but blah! No thank you. I also have feeling about the epilog in general. However the thought behind it is good. 

So there you go! Reading Harry Potter this past month has been my light in darkness. This month has been hard for me. I've struggled emotionally and physically and reading Harry Potter has brought me joy and peace. I love this book series and will for always! "Until the very end."- James Potter