Thank You!

Dear friends and family, 

I know staying home during this Covid-19 pandemic hasn't been easy. It's affected your work, and therefore finances. It's probably had an affect on you're health, mentally or physically. Honestly it's been hard to be stuck inside and isolated from friends and loved ones. Let's be frank, it just plain sucks. 

So I want to say, Thank You!!! I live with a chronic illness, I have a compromised immune system and there has been a lot of fear regarding becoming sick. Would I die from covid-19? Honestly I don't know, I tell myself I don't know but who knows.

So every day you choose to stay home. Every time you wash your hands for the 100th time. Every time you check your distance from someone at the store. You make a difference. You keep me safe. 

Maybe to you this sounds selfish, if it does I'm deeply sorry. And I'll be honest I'm not always sure I'm worth all the effort, just trying to stay alive and healthy is work and it's expensive and discouraging. But I have been overwhelmed with gratitude watching people, ordinary semi- disgruntled people, trying to keep each other safe. I just want to hug you all and bake you cookies and say, "I know this had been so hard for you, but thank you." 

THANK YOU a million times. 

Easter Week

As part of this Easter week I am taking time each morning to follow a study guide offered by my church. Today's prompt was about a scripture story about Christ that touches you in a meaningful way. Here were some of my thoughts from that prompt;

I think that on of my favorite scriptures about Jesus Christ is John 11. In this chapter Jesus returns to Judea two days  after hearing that Lazarus was sick. And I think it's important that right away in verse 5 John points out that Jesus loves Mary and Martha and Lazarus. But he still didn't come right away, as soon as he was called, and fix everything. 

When Jesus gets to Bethany he's met by Martha who is, understandably, upset that Christ hadn't been here and shares frankly that she knows IF Christ had come sooner, IF He had simply answered her prayer the moment she asked and the exact way she asked, Lazarus wouldn't have died. In response Christ explains who He is and what His power is. Then He asks Martha if she still believes this, even when she hasn't gotten what she wanted, even when to an outside eye she's been abandoned by Him, does she still believe? In response  Martha gives her sweet and powerful testimony, vs 27 "...Yea Lord I beleive that thou art the Christ, the son of God, which should come into the world." 

Not long after, Mary joins this interaction with the same sorrow in her heart. The same burning question, "Why Lord? Why didn't you come, didn't you answer? Why did you leave me alone?" 

Then we see clearly the character of Christ. He doesn't defend himself, beyond his gentle reassurance to Martha earlier, He doesn't roll his eyes and tell these sisters to "stop crying I'm literally going to fix everything in like 2 seconds". Instead He weeps with them.

I think John 11:35, "Jesus wept." Is some of the most beautiful and comforting scripture. 

Even though Christ has all power and can do all things there are moments in my life, and everyone's, where He doesn't come as soon as we'd like. Moments where He doesn't answer the way we want. Moments where we just don't understand. In these moments when our lives feel too much and our hearts too heavy I often find myself weeping. And it is a comfort to me to know that I don't do so alone. Christ is there weeping along side me. He knows my suffering and even though He can fix it all in a snap He is willing to simply sit beside me. Wrap His arm around me and hold me while He and I weep together. 

 

During this Easter season I am grateful for a Savior who is all powerful, all understanding, all loving. I am grateful that when my heart is troubled He sits beside me to offer me comfort and sometimes to simply share my heartache. I know He lives and loves me, you and everyone upon this earth. 

To all the boys...

To all the boys.... I've wasted my time on, 

I have a message for you, and I'll use small words so you don't get confused: "STOP. BEING. A. DICK." There did you understand me alright? 

You wanna know the number 1 dick move in my book? Ghosting a girl. (Ghosting for anyone unaware is explained by the urban dictionary as: "When a person cuts off all communication with their friends or the person they're dating, with zero warning or notice before hand.") I don't care who you are or what your excuse is this is rude and frankly mean. 

I have had more than my fair share of ghosting's from dicks. Now I'm not saying I'm great on my end when trying to pursue relationships, honestly I suck at it and I'm super inexperienced, but that aside I do understand common curitisy. Okay? It doesn't matter if you and this person weren't officially dating (which has most often been my case) if you are flirting with them, making future plans, dangling the possibility of a relationship or just don't want to be a dick, you owe that person the common curtisy to send the final message before dropping off the face of the planet.  

Here are some examples of what you can say:

"Gee *so and so* I've actually met someone else and I want to pursue a relationship with them."

"So, this isn't working out for me, I'm sorry."

"I've decided to move to Uganda and won't be able to talk to you for a while." 

Literally anything would be better than just suddenly not replying, not answering and not explaining. Let me pull back the curtain and tell you a little about how is feels to be ghosted;

First you make excuses for them. They must be really busy with: school, job, etc. Maybe they were in an accident and can't reply. Maybe the just didn't see my message I'll try again in a day or two. 

Second you're confused. You start rereading messages trying to see if you upset them. Or looking for clues to explain what went wrong.

Third you're hurt. You don't know what went wrong. You don't understand why it went wrong. It hurts to think you were so unimportant to that person's life that they can remove you entirely like its no big deal. It just hurts (and this is why you're a dick). 

Finally you either move on and are fine or you're left with trust issues. (I usually fall into the second because of my prior issues when it comes to men but that's for another post) And if you do move on and are "fine" there will always be moments in future relationships where a day goes by without response and you wonder if they are just done and that's the end of that. 

Honestly guys AND girls just be honest with each other. Remember the golden rule: treat others the way you want to be treated. It's literally not rocket science! Be part of the solution and don't hurt people. I know telling someone you've moved on or aren't interested is hard and awkward but in the long run it will be better for both of you. Above all else be kind my friends, please be kind. 

*What did you think this was gonna be a movie review or something? 

Covid-19, Anxiety and me.

Well, we made it through March! Way to go guys!! 

It's pretty well known among those closest to me, at least I think it is, that March is one of my least favorite months. Oddly enough it's the month of my birthday but I've always felt like bad things happen during this month. It was March when I had to have my emergency appendectomy on my mission. March when I was in the ER and subsequently diagnosed with UC. And it was March when the whole world shut down due to covid-19. Next year I vote we just skip over March entirely! 

It all seriousness life during this pandemic is pretty hectic and overwhelming. The other day I had to go to the store, I went with my father and we had a specific list we planned to go in, get what we needed and get out. Suddenly though while I was walking through an isle I was overcome with a wave of anxiety, I was ready to just burst into tears, horrified to be out in the world and the risks I was taking. I made it through that shopping trip but the anxiety remains. 

Today I was texting a friend and she was telling me, she's a pharmacy tech, about all the casual shoppers out and about doing their thing. I expressed my anxiety about just going to the store and she laughingly blew me off asking why I'd be anxious (harsh much? Maybe but I know she didn't mean anything by it). That being said I get it, when you're healthy you're indestructible. If you get sick it's fine, you'll get better. Nothing can touch you and so you watch the news and hear the warnings and think, "Man, they are really over reacting." 

Here's the thing though when you're immunocompromised (simply put your immune system, the thing that helps you get better when you're sick, doesn't work and is weaker than the average person) it is a big deal. I could very easily be the worst case scenario if I'm not cautious. And because of the people who love me I am frequently reminded of this fact. 

Anxiety isn't easy to explain and it's hard to mange. Anxiety is a feeling of overwhelmedness. Anxiety is, well honestly it's the feeling of drowning. 

Once when I was about 12 maybe 13 my family and I had gone with all my cousins on a camping trip. We camped near a lake and it was great fun. However I am not a strong swimmer, never have been, but I manage. I was out in the water and there where a few drop off areas. I wasn't concerned I was being careful. But I blindly began following my older cousins, much better swimmers than I, at one point it got deep and scary even for them. They tried to warn me but it was too late. I was in, literally, over my head. I panicked! I was thrashing around and crying out desperately for help (I learned later that my family still on the beach had not only heard me but had seen what was happening and chose to ignore it. Now that's an aspect of anxiety that is also sad but true) thankfully the trashing propelled me forward and my cousins where able to grab me and pull me the rest of the way back from the drop off. But I will never forget that feeling. It was desperation, fear, helplessness and panic all rolled into one. And that's what anxiety feels like.

That's why I'm wiring this at 11:45pm instead of sleeping... it's rough buddy. Really and truly. And I'll be honest I don't know what the solution is. But here's what I do know;

1. Have someone safe to talk to. Tell them about what you're feeling and why. Listen to their advice and council. Sometimes just talking about it helps you process and pass on what you're feeling. 

2. Be patient with yourself. These feelings are real. They are valid and it's okay to feel them. Things are scary right now. It's okay to be overwhelmed. If all you can do today is get out of bed then way to go! I'm hecka proud of you!! 

3. Tune out and turn off things that increase your anxiety. For me a major trigger is social media. So bye bye Facebook. You're not good for me so no more. Maybe it's the news or maybe you need to tell your family to stop giving you minute by minute numbers on the pandemic. Thanks very much but no thanks. 

4. Practice self care! Maybe it's a facial or shaving your legs. Maybe it's an hour of uninterrupted reading or a nap. Whatever it is do something nice for yourself. Take care of your mind and heart. Not just once in a while but make time everyday to show yourself how much you love yourself. 

5. Choose to have hope. Find something good every day. Be grateful for it. Try to count your blessings. When things get to heavy have a good cry. Don't give up. Trust in God and hold tightly to him. This is not the end of your story. Keep turning the pages. 

I hope this will help you, I'm not even sure if it's helped me yet. But if nothing more know the feelings of anxiety you're expeienceing are shared by so many. You are not alone. Sparkle on my beautifully anxious unicorn. 

Rise of the Guardians helping me process Covid-19? I mean, whatever works right?

The world is a mess right now huh? What a chronically ill girl to do? Hide in her house writing blog posts to try and manage her feelings that's what.

Since becoming quarantined (about a 2 week period) to try and prevent the spread of Covid-19 and to protect myself the best I can from becoming sick I have:

•painted my nails approx 6 times (does it count as double if you paint each hand seperatly?)

•finished one book, started another

•binge watched an entire show on Netflix and one on Amazon (The Letter For The King and Shakespeare uncovered respectively) 

•baked cookies, muffins, challah bread, pumpkin bread and made plum tarts (more baking to come worry not)

•done a puzzle (it was butterfly shaped that was kinda cool)

•signed up on mutual (that was an especially low moment)

•reorganize and cleaned our basement storage area under the stairs (turns out we have a family of mice... nasty!)

•taken a bath for no reason other than to soak

•cleaned my room (I also put up some of my artwork, I'll share about my new love of painting in another blog post, stay tuned) 

•done meaningless crafts (coloring books, homemade picture frames, you get the idea... I'm trying out origami next) 

•played Mario DDR with my parents (strange but pretty amusing ngl) 

And now written a blog post ;) 

Welcome to my new reality. Have I ever discussed my love of the movie; Rise of the Guardians? For those unfamiliar it's a DreamWorks animation about the Guardians, tooth fairy, sandman, Santa Claus and the Easter bunny, and their fight against Pitch Black with the help of newcomer Jack Frost. It's interesting because it focuses on Fear and how we can overcome it. 

How do you fight against fear? How do we face the darkness in the world? I don't know about y'all but I'm dealing with some fear and anxiety right now. These are scary times we live in, I think most of us can agree on that. Between the dangers contacted to this unfamiliar illness, social isolation, a lack of control, even just boredom can have negative affects on your mental state. It has for me. So what do we do about it?

I'll be honest I don't really know. I'm a little at a loss.... if, like in Rise of the Guardians, our dreams turn to nightmares does that mean on some way the the darkness has become apart of us? I think sometimes the darkness becomes so great and overwhelming it starts to seep into our very thoughts and feelings. It's starting to get to that point for me... I just feel so heavy I just want to lay down and cry. But what do we do? This cannot be the end of the story.... 

In Rise of the Guardians their solution is multi-dimensional here are the key points I noticed; 

1. The importance of identity. We have to know who we are. We are children of a loving father in Heaven. He does love us he does have a plan for us. We have a purpose for our life on earth.

2. There is a power in belief. Belief in hope, wonder and dreams. But also a "belief" or perhaps acknowledgment of our fear. Because of our belief in the good we must acknowledge the bad. There cannot be light without darkness. 

3. One person can change the tide of the world. Whether it's one kind act that changes someone's day or changes a nation. One person who chooses to reach out to another changes the entire world.  You have the power to fight the darkness. Believing in your power to overcome gives you a greater power to do so. 

4. The best way to fight the darkness is with light. Light of love and fun and laughter. Light of family and friends coming together to help each other. The light of Christ inside us all pushes the darkness away. 

Maybe we just have to believe and trust in the older brother who is willing to sacrifice everything, even himself, to save us. Or maybe I'm just emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed and because of it reading way to much into this movie. Either way it's one of my favorite and I feel a little better and a little lighter. 

Frozen 2 could've been GREAT

Alright Frozen 2, y'all heard of it? Of course you have! No let's talk turkey! I loved the first Frozen. I thought it was adorable. The story was so charming. I loved the idea of true love being more than that of a kiss between two people who just met. But rather a selfless act. I loved the sister relationship and I enjoyed the music, I still sing Let it Go regularly. And the tiwst villain moment is literally so iconic!! Plus you can't hate a movie with a disclaimer in the credits specific to boogers. Hahaha... seriously so classic. 

But the sequel fell flat for me. Now after seeing it more than once I will say I don't think it's "bad". It has some very funny moments and the music is probably one of its most redeeming elements. And honestly the story isn't the worst thing Disney has done with a sequel, I mean y'all remember Pocahontas 2 right? Yeah... ouch. But Frozen 2 just wasn't what I think it could've been! Here's what they could've changed to make it GREAT:

1. Kristoff and Anna relationship; okay one of the best (both funny and moving) moments in the film is Kristoff's power ballad "Lost in the Woods". But how much better would their relationships growth been if they had gotten engaged at the beginning of the film. Give me a guy who isn't afraid of his feelings and just muddled through and gets it done. And then all of the bumps in the road and challenges they faced afterwards would have a greater feeling of depth. Have Kristoff wonder if marriage is right ("it's always been a question of how I never thought it was a question of whether"), have Anna wondering why he left and where he is. Just give me greater drama AFTER engagement so I sense a feeling of risk like they really might not work out. This way  I have more of a feeling of joy and excitement when things are resolved. When Kristoff returns give me the quirky Anna who tires to have a deep conversation during the chase and then have them reaffirm that yes no matter the bumps and bruises they choose one another. It would've shown character development past the first movie and felt more adult vs. silly classic guy who can't express his feelings. 

2. Anna being the 5th spirit; okay after many a rewatch and some real pondering I think the 5 spirit should've been Love. After all ice is literally just another side of water which is already a spirit. Love being the 5th spirit perfectly alignes with the message of the first movie. And literally what better embodiment of Love than Anna? She literally ran into fire to try and help save her sister because she loves her. Throughout the film Anna is shown to value love above all else. Also and don't shoot the messenger but I'm kinda tired of banging the "Elsa is special, very yes" drum. Okay we get it! She's special Anna is ordinary blah-blah. I'm ready for someone to tell girls that you don't have to have super powers or be "as good" as your siblings to have deep value. And just being kind and loving can make all the difference. Also it would have been an appropriate slap in the face for Elsa to get to Atahalin just to be told, " Yup the person you've continued to push away is actually the one you needed all along. Stop being dumb." That being said they could've still pointed out that bridges have 2 ends and Elsa still could've stayed in the forest I think that made plenty of sense. 

3. Confontational reuinion between sisters; listen I have a sister and no matter how much I love her sometimes we have our issues. Anna has some issues with codependency and Elsa is insensitive and pushes people away. Neither are completely right OR completely wrong. However a realising reuinion between sisters would've included a little anger. Anna had a right to tell Elsa off for pushing her away. They should've argued and apologized for their actions. Give me an example of people who make mistakes and don't always do the right thing. But they know when to apologies and make it right. That is the kind of message I want shown to children because it's a powerful message. Forgiveness goes hand in hand with love and needs to be given it's moment in the light. 

4. Actual consequences to choices; the big moment of the film is when they break the dam to make things right at the cost of their home. But the bing-bam-boom Elsa saves the day and it doesn't matter no real sacrifice. LAME! Just like forgiveness is a message that needs to be shown so are consequences. Sometimes the happy ending isn't exactly what you expect. Have Arundel be destroyed and then the closing musical number can show them rebuilding. Moving forward and doing the next right thing because that's what we do in life. Sometimes we face the consequences of other people's choices but we make the best of it. 

Again I'm not saying that frozen 2 was bad. I just think they found the easy (lazy) story that worked just enough to make a quick money making sequel. And with a little editing, some thought about what principles they really wanted to show and teach they could've gone above and beyond and given us something worth all the hype. 

Words fail

The world is beyond a crazy mess right now. Covid-19 has everyone freaked and it's only March! I mean come on?! What else could 2020 have in store for us? 

I have had a few life changing moments, I'm not talking about the incredible pizza I ate for dinner moments. I mean I remember the exact place and moment when my life changed. 

I remember getting my mission call to Florida and knowing, and yet somehow not knowing,  that it would change my life forever. I remember sitting in the basement of my grandparents house when the parents came down to tell us my Grandpa had just passed away. I remember sitting in a ER getting a call from a Dr in my ward and hearing the words Ulcerative Colitis. I remember the early phone call with my mission President where I was told my Grandipops had passed. 

This week there was another moment.... a life changing moment. 

Friday the 13th; I woke up early and went to my parents room, like I do everyday. I hadn't slept well, bad dreams and bad feelings all night. Mom was out of bed and getting ready for the day, something felt off. Then suddenly the weeping began and I got the news my cousin had committed suicide. 

Suicide, the act of taking ones own life. This was no foreign concept or strange unknown idea. I know what suicide is, it has haunted my family for a long time. With a brother and sister, uncle, cousins and friends who have struggled and fought against this I had somehow come to beleive that it would never actually happen, not to our family, certainly not now. 

I've made some realizations in the 3 days following this news. 

The first is that the hurt from a suicide... the grief and emotions accompanying this loss are so different than any other loss I've experiences. I truly don't know how to explain it, I hope and pray with every molecule in my body that you never ever understand what I'm talking about. 

Second, perspectives change in half a moment. I have been concerned with job changes, money concerns, politics and obviously Covid-19. But truly those things don't actually matter. Family, trust, love those things matter. Things of an eternal nature, things that will actually matter 5 years from now. I don't know why it is that as humans we become so consumed with things that don't have lasting importance but we do, or at least I do. I can't promise forever but I am truly trying to refocus my life on things of eternal nature. 

Third don't waste a moment! Not a single one. Everyday with the ones you love is a gift. If you have something important to say to someone, say it! Please don't wait!!!!! I think this is something everyone feels after a loss. But boy oh boy! If you live and treat people like it's the last day on earth imagine how kind we would be? 

Finally please don't believe the lie that the world would be better off without you. Don't beleive that you're not needed or not loved. You are loved, please believe me when I say your loss will forever change the lives of more people than you realize. The world will never be the same without you in it. So don't leave, don't give up. Live one more day. Find a reason to exist today and be grateful for it. Cry out for help!! If those closest to you don't hear go to someone else. I don't care if we've never met, come to me if you need help. I promise there is help out there!!! This burden is the hardest one I could imagine to carry, so don't carry it alone! Come to the Savior, let me introduce you and together we can face this. I love you for just being you, thank for living in this world with me.