An open letter

Dear Marty,

     It's been one whole year since you left us. One year since you lost your fight with mental illness. A year of strangeness and sadness and trying to remember or understand. 

     I hope that you are well up there. I hope you and Grandpa are sitting together watching over us, petting all the dogs up there. Somehow I know that you're not as far away as you may seem. I believe that you have found the peace you couldn't find here. I hope with all my heart that you know just how much we miss you. How much we love you. 

     Marty, this year has been an eye opener for me. I've started therapy, trying to get help with my issues. I've struggled this year, it's been hard-- harder than I ever could've imagined. My mental health has really deteriorated this past year. Anxiety has spiked and suddenly I'm facing depression which is so unfamiliar and scary all at once. 

    I was driving the other day when suddenly I felt like I understood you... I can't imagine just how empty and hopeless you must have been feeling to end your life, to think that was the only option. And yet, dealing with this darkness and weight and sadness it's suffocating some days. I still believe that hope and help is coming... but two years with this, five, ten... I don't know if I could do it. In a way I never expected I finally understood what could've let you to this choice. And oh how it broke my heart. I cried and cried. Oh Marty, dear Marty. I cannot wait to wrap my arms around you and just let you know. I wish I could've been there for you in life more. 

     There's a hundred things I would do differently if I could. Would it change things? I honestly don't know. Would you have let me in if I'd tried? I don't know. But I wish I could've had a second chance. So I am making this my second chance. I promise you that I won't give up this fight. I promise that no one who comes across my path will leave feeling less loved. I am going to love people with all my heart, I am going to listen more and judge less. 

     Marty I am going to remember you and because of you I am going to be better. I love you Marty. I miss you. I'm so grateful you've been a part of my family. Until I see you again my cousin and my friend. 

Xoxo 😘

Self Affirmation

This past week, which was decidedly harder than I'd anticipated, I made the decision to start implementing the use of self affirmations. It's something many, many people have reccomended but it took some personal thought and reflection before deciding, "what do I have to loose?" And just going for it! This is my little self help guide for you to follow or not to help yourself with implementing Self Affirmations into your own life! Don't worry we can do this friend! 

So what exactly is a self affirmation? Well usually it's a statement or phrase that is positive or empowering to help fight against negativity or criticism coming from within. The most common examples start with "I am...." and then usually some sort of positive comment about yourself i.e. "I am beautiful" or else it might be an "I can" or "I will" phrase all of this meant to help adjust your mindset. Honestly take a gander on Google and you'll find plenty of examples if you do a quick search for Self Affirmations. 

Some people just use pre-written affirmations, that's always what I'd tried to do in the past. It wasn't the best for me though because I often turned off my emotional response to them. So they were less than affective. This time I decided I would write my own. Yup! *nervous laughter has entered this chat* 😅

In order to help myself succeed I did some research via (yup you guessed it) the Google. I found this article from PostivePsychology.com which did an excellent job explaining self affirmations, their origin, uses and how to's along with the science behind why and how they work. It also included some tips to write your own and examples of reccomended affirmations. It closed the article with a handful of additional resources from YouTube videos to books to apps. I highly reccomend this article if you have questions about affirmations or if you want to do something similar to what I did for yourself so consider this to be Step one. After this research the part that grabbed me the most from the article was the idea that for self affirmations to be the most effective they have to reflect my core values. 

So a logical step Two was to ask myself: What are my core personal values? 

I just pulled out my study journal and made a quick list. What made the list? Simple stuff: friendship, kindness, compassion, happiness, etc. Knowing what I value was great and throughout writing the list I knew it was true based on how it made me feel. The feeling that it just 'rings true' was what I was relying on. So listen to yourself and don't just write what you think your values should be. Also don't just write the values you feel like you live true to 100% because let's be honest that's a rather unrealistic expectationand there's a good possibility nothing would make the list. Instead even if you struggle to live true to it you'll know how important it is to you if it's something something focus on frequently. And funny as this may seem it some ways I knew it was something that really matters to me if it's also something my inner critic often points out as something I fail at constantly. So if that helps you determine your values use that to filter your list. 

The third step I took was listing things I felt that I needed help with, areas (more abstract than literal) where I needed help. So confidence rather than listing my job, makes sense? Like if you have a specific example of an area of struggle but not sure how it fits try to break down why you struggle with it. Using the original example of Work, why is work something I need help with? Maybe it's because I doubt my ability to do my job well i.e. confidence. Once you've broken it down the why hopefully it'll lead you to a value or something of that like you can work off of. If not that's okay we can work with it anyway! 

Step four: time to write!! Start with an I am or I will or I can statement and then choose a value to build off of. Maybe it's "I am kind" or maybe it's "I will choose to be kind to myself especially when I don't feel I deserve it" in this example the value is clearly kindness and could address struggles with an inner critics lack of kindness towards daily perceived failure. As you write listen to your heart, listen to how you feel as you write the words do they bring you a sense of peace? Yes? then you're on the right track! Don't feel bad if you don't feel something even if it sounds good or you think it would make a good affirmation, to that I say *blows raspberry*. This is completely personal! And there are absolutely no expectations you need to meet, just write what you feel! Don't stress about spelling or grammer or run on sentences or anything else!! After writing something then go ahead and edit it as needed to make it smooth and clear, I reccomend trying to read it out loud see how that sounds but more importantly see how it feels still feeling the peace or the ringing of truth? Good job you did it! If not look at what stands out as needing to change and make whatever adjustments feel right. Then check it again until you get something that works for you! Because these are meant to be personal I won't be sharing mine, but trust me they are certainly not award worthy! But they are exactly what I need right now. 

I wrote only 3 affirmations I didn't want to overwhelm myself and 3 just felt like a good number. I wrote and rewrote until I felt right. Then I decided I wanted to have these somewhere I'd see them everyday, my bathroom mirror. Since I want to more creative/artistic I decided to decorate some pretty paper and then use hand lettering to write them all pretty like. So I guess you could consider this step five but it's definitely optional! I used this marble paper craft  technique that uses food coloring and shaving cream (sounds weird but it totally works) and I've included this helpful DIY article to help you do it too if you want too! Then once the paper dries I added my affirmations and lamentated them before taping them to my mirror. I highly recommend some sort of creative outlet to help really get these things to sink in. Plus there's so much positive research about creativity helping with mental illness so if you have the time try something out.

The final step is to actually start using these affirmations. You can decided how often or when and everything else. For myself I try to say them 3 times in the mirror each morning. It's a good way to start my day and then throughout the day as I see them I might read them again at the point, it is surprising just how often to come to mind after only a few days of doing this exercise! Find what works for you and do it! Don't be afraid to adjust if something isn't working and don't be afraid to make it stupid simple for yourself. Maybe you record yourself saying them and make it your wake up alarm the possibilities are endless just do whatever works best for you! 

Now go forth you majestic unicorn. Affirm yourself straight to success and happiness! Xoxo  

Not ________ enough (fill in the blank)

Self criticism is a cancer. It starts out small, most likely a self depreciating joke or a "no I'm not" following any complement. But if left unchecked it grows and grows and grows. Until there's more negativity than positive and you truly believe the lies you've been spouting. 

There's probably a hundred different reasons why the criticism starts and what drives it forward and for each and every person it's going to be different. Maybe you can pin-point a motivator or maybe you can't, maybe your logical common sense brain says "this isn't true.... this isn't kind... I need to stop" or maybe it doesn't. Because the truth is self criticism is so easy to fall into and so so impossibly hard to escape. 

This has become my life. I am terrorized by a bully, an ever present monster, a monkey always on my shoulder reminding me constantly that I am not enough. Not pretty enough. Not smart enough. Not fun enough. Not skinny enough. Not kind enough. Not doing enough. Not good enough. Just not enough. And it hurts and the feeling that follow it are real and valid and they hurt too... but feelings are not facts. *As my therapist likes to remind me* 

And when someone calls me out on my B.S. with words like: You're beautiful and I love you. Or don't say such mean things about my friend, I love her. Or be kinder to yourself. Or a host of dozens of other comments usually followed by some type of advice on how to fix this problem I have. These words come from love and concern and compassion but feel like knives. Knives handed to my bully who stabs them in repeatedly. 

Because now I'm not kind enough to myself. And such a disappointment to those who love you. And no one wants to be around you because of this. And why don't you fix it already so you stop hurting people. And if you don't fix it you will end up alone and unloved. And all the while I shrink in the corner wanting to hid under a blanket and never show my face again. 

Even when these words come from a loving place and even when they come in kindness and the best of intentions they are still used against me. And it feels like a never ending cycle that's impossible to escape. Because the truth is you just want someone to pat you on the back and say you did a good job. You don't want someone to point out another flaw and give another piece of advice on how to fix yourself. 

You just desperately want someone to tell you that what you're doing is enough. That they see how hard getting up is but you did it! And they see how hard you're working and noticed that you showered and oh my goodness you ate vegetables today? You are a Rockstar! You incredibly sexy beast! Look at you living today. And does it sound sort of silly sure but boy would it feel good. Even if that bully whispers it's not true over and over if you keep hearing it maybe it'll show up one day when the voice says not enough. Am I saying it should only come from other certainly not. But right now when I'm in the bottom of a pit listening to someone yell down, "You know you're in the bottom of a pit right? Maybe if you tried meditation and positive affirmation you wouldn't be down there." Is, unsurprisingly, the exact opposite of helpful. So this is a PSA for anyone who has a friend, family member or acquaintance who faces struggles (does that include you? It doesn't, okay let's just say anyone who can breath BOOM now you're included): just encourage them for everything they are doing. And if you feel inspired to offer advice or call them on the B.S. maybe check with them first make sure if will be actually helpful and not hurtful. And if it's not helpful right now just hold off. When they are ready, when they have the extra energy and strength to work on it then offer your advice with a healthy dose of encouragement. Or if you are worried they aren't ever going to make it out of the pit, worried they may just choose to stay down their forever by all mean make a rope and climb down and do everything you can do get them back out or better yet just sit there. Just be there for them. Let them know that they aren't alone in this pit. 

And for those in the pit? Don't give up. I see you! I see how hard you are working to just breath in and out each day. You are amazing. You can do this! You are not alone. Do what you can right now to help yourself maybe with a therapist or meds or both or neither. Maybe it's with pet cuddles, a bath and a good book. Whatever you do I am proud of you. I know how hard it is and just getting out of bed today is incredible. You are doing so much more than you see. Don't give up and don't forget. 

perfection

Today I woke up, I wasn't feeling 100% haven't been eating as well as I know I should be. So I got up, did my makeup and my hair then I found a cute dress to wear to church. 

Then I came upstairs, walked by a mirror and suddenly an overwhelming 'blah came over me. 

I don't know how to describe it in words so I call it the great 'blah' yup. You know what I'm talking about. You don't feel good about yourself, the world or anything else. And there's not just one thing you can say upset you it's a million tiny things. You feel heavy and empty and sad. 

So I changed my cloths and took off some of my makeup. I still made it to church, despite the 'blah' I brought with me. At church I tried to listen but mostly cried (ruining all my remaining makeup haha) I read a few articles about anxiety and perfectionism. I have a problem yup, no doubt about it. My perfectionism makes me anxious and sad. 

I've always know I was a perfectionist of course, how could I not. But now I know I have a real problem. And I'm gonna work on it. I'm gonna pray about it and talk to my therapist. I'm gonna get a book about imperfection and I know I can work though this. 

Fear of Intimacy?

So I think I have a problem. As many of you know my dating escapades have been less than successful throughout my life. And just the other day those same feelings reared their ugly little heads. Alright let you catch you up to speed;

His name is GS (stands for German shepherd because those are his favorite dogs, what you thought I'd be crazy enough to use his real name?) We started casually talking during the first shutdown this year. I connected with him on Mutual however that wasn't actually how we first met. See GS is in my stake so I'd seen him several times at different YSA activities. He was always very nice and fun to be around but there wasn't like insane infatuation going on, though there was some casual flirting. Anyway we started talking online and it was pretty casual just get to know you type things didn't really go anywhere. We stopped talking then jump forward a few months and randomly I decide to reach out again. We start talking this time things are different he asks if I'd want to go out sometime I quickly agree and then nothing. So I get a little forward and nudge us into our first date the date took place in September, we went on our second date in October and I asked him on a 3rd but he got sick and had to cancel this past weekend we finally cross the 3rd date line. 

On this 3rd date among other things we cuddled and before he left I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek he returned it and then I immediately felt sick to my stomach. This has happened before after moments of intimacy (cuddles, hand holding, thoughts of kissing on the lips) its a real buzz-killer. That evening he and I DTRed over messenger (for those not of the text speech generation DTR means define the relationship). We agreed to keep seeing each other and creep into bf/gf territory i.e. he said I could introduce/refer to him as my bf but he wanted to move real slow like. Okay great whatever. However the same nauseous feeling returned. This has happened before too. 

With my only other attempt at a bf after we had cuddled and such I felt like we'd crossed some lines relationship wise and might be straying bf/gf area (to be fair we, specifically he, were both a bit younger and I didn't want to make things too complex at the point). Anyways the sick feeling came and after making some pretty serious ground rules it went away. However my feelings changed.... right as we should be getting closer than ever I was doing everything I could to push him away. I didn't reply to his messages, I was critical, I wasn't open with him about my feelings, it was a mess. For so long I'd blamed those issues on the fact that during this time I was also dealing with a chronic illness diagnosis and life was pretty bleak and messy. So I'd always brushed away those mental emotional issues. 

The thing is right after GS and I DTRed I suddenly felt sick the next time he called me sweetheart and my desire to message him has lessened, that not to say I don't thin about him I do! A lot actually. But I don't want to reply right away and I don't do as much to keep conversations going. So I've decided something is wrong but what? 

Well after some googling and article reading I realized I might have a fear of intimacy (not to be confused with a fear of sex although that may very well be an issue as well and can be a part of this). I did an physc assessment to a track your FIS (fear of intimacy) levels after scoring it my score was 127 for some perspective the lowest score you can get is 35 and the highest is 175. The US average score? Between 80-90. Yup.... I think I have a problem alright. 

Thankfully I have a therapy session on Monday and this will definitely be a topic of discussion let me tell you what! Here's the thing though they talked about reasons why someone would have high levels of FIS and a lot of them came back to trauma and abuse, which I have been blessed never to truly experience. But then they talked about Soca Anxiety and fear of judgment oh... oh dang... hit that one right on the head. So what do I do? I don't know... obviously therapy haha. 

Some other things reccomend in the articles I read was practicing self compassion something I am focusing on right now and reading a book about as well. Also addressing and working with the inner critic (mine is loud and very present) and she's something I've been working on with my therapist as well. Another thought? Talking about these things with your partner, don't leave them in the dark haha yeah no thanks. Let's not dump all the crazy on GS right now. But maybe I should idk... it's so scary though!! I did feel like I should talk about it though and so I figured I'd write this and maybe it would help. It sorta did...  at least I have all these thoughts and feelings out of my head. 

Well until next time I guess... thanks for listening. Wishing you love and happiness going forward! 

P.s. here are some links to the articles I read and the assessment I took:

Self sabotaging. Fear of intimacy. FIS assesment and scoring. Overcoming fear of intimacy. 

Christmas Advent Calendar

Alright, alright before you start freaking out because Christmas has been mentioned before December 1st may I advise you to take a chill pill? Cool thanks, that'll make the remainder of this post much more enjoyable for the rest of us.

I have always loved advent calendars! I love the idea of opening a drawer or a window and finding a wonderful treat just for me. Be that treat a candy or a pair of socks or a movie or whatever it is, it is an immediate pick up for the winter time blues. A few years back,  right around the time I seriously committed to collecting Nativities, I thought it would be such a delight to have a Nativity advent calendar. After much searching I found the one it was for every day during the month of December and it was a precious moments nativity. Oh, be still my beating heart!! *imagine intense anime heart eyes* However due to the cost of the nativity we didn't purchase it, until now!! Yes, that's right my Mother finally splurged, it helps that there's finally a grandchild in the picture who could benefit from it in the future. The precious is finally mine! 

Now the set is adorable and on its own it's pretty perfect but I got this idea in my head that we could increase the overall awesomeness by adding to the advent experience. I decided that for each day and each figure I would connect it to a scripture, article, video, song, etc. To teach a deeper lesson and give greater meaning to the Christmas season and the Nativity at the center of it. At first I hoped I could find something online and "borrow" *cough, cough* copy *cough* their ideas. But it was not to be, after some quick searches I couldn't find exactly what I was looking for and, much like a frosting color when you can't find the exact match you're looking for you, gotta make it yourself! 

So in the beginning of November my adventure started. I can tell you what I was expecting: I was expecting to feel the spirit and find something here or there that I hadn't already mentally chosen. I was expecting to take a week or so tops and then be done. And to be completely honest I was mostly expecting it to be a rather tedious addition to my morning scripture study. My expectations have been completely blown out of the water!! I'm not entirely sure how to express in words just how revelatory and spiritually filling this experience has been. 

I have looked at each item in the nativity calendar to use as a guide but as you'd imagine there really weren't 24 different characters to be found in the scriptural accounts of Christ's birth. So to fill the empty spaces there are a few added figures, as in 5 different sheep, 3 camels, a cow, 2 bays of hay among others. I mean where am I supposed to go scripturally with a hay bale?!? I felt a little overwhelmed but thankfully the first few figures were pretty expected (Mary and Joseph) and incredibly moving to find a different item(s) of media to connect to them. So I figured I could find a way to make a hay bale and a cow spiritual. And believe it or not I actually did! It took some pondering, thinking about what exactly as artist might be trying to symbolize in these different figures and what aspects of the nativity story I felt needed to be touched on. What followed was revelation, there's no other word for it. I have felt so blessed to have Heavenly Fathers help as I've made this journey. It is a powerful reminder to me that if we ask in faith and through prayer, He'll help us. When people say, "It matters to Him because it matters to you" I can honestly say I know that to be true. I would encourage you to find something, maybe it's not a Nativity themed advent calendar, to study and deeply ponder about and you'll be amazed to see revelation flow from heaven straight to you. 

Now that I've built this up to heights I'm sure it'll hardly reach let's go though the Nativity Advent: 

Dec.1st: Mary 

Read; Mary, the mother of Jesus from the January 2019 Ensign. 

Listen to; Pentatonix's version of Mary did you know? found on YouTube. 

At first I wasn't going to add any thoughts to this prompt. However, I feel impressed to do otherwise. Mary is one of few women named in the scriptures and although her story is certainly not the focus nor should we worship her I believe there is much we can learn from her humble willingness to accept God's will for her life. Something I believe she taught to her Son that led him to say, "Thy will not mine be done." So much of who we are comes from our mothers and I hope and pray that one day I will have the opportunity to be a mother like Mary. 

Dec. 2nd: Joseph 

Watch; The first Christmas spirit a video focusing on Joseph's feelings and impressions during the childhood of Jesus created by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. There is something beautiful about Joseph being trusted as the foster father of the Son of God. We don't know much of him, or how his story ends. But I believe the most important truth we learn from Joseph is to seek to be spiritually in tune with the Lord and follow any directions he sends us; as Joseph did when he followed his revelatory dreams 3 different times in the scriptures. 

Dec. 3rd: Donkey (Trip to Bethlehem)

Read; The road to Bethlehem from December 1995 Ensign. In my desire to make this as easily accessible as possible and also as doctrinaly accurate I had to remove the focus from a sweet donkey that carried Mary to Bethlehem and instead focus on the journey Mary and Joseph simply took to fulfill prophecy that Jesus Christ would be born in Bethlehem. However! If you are looking for a sweet more donkey focused story I'd reccomend Small One by Alex Walsh (apparently there is also a short 30min animation that depicts this story as well, which you can actually find on disney+). 

Dec. 4th: Hay Bale (The Inn/Innkeeper)

Read; Trouble at the Inn a short story originally published in readers digest. There's debate about whether or not this is a true story but regardless the message is beautiful. 

Listen to; Let Him In from the Forgotten Carols by Michael McLean. It tells the fictional story of an innkeepers response following his experience with the Christ child. Now this may seem like quite the 180° after I just said that I didn't focus on the donkey because it wasn't necessarily doctrinaly accurate and there's not a lot of doctrinal backup for a "mean innkeeper" who turns away Mary and Joseph. However we do know that Bethlehem was crowed and room was limited, leading Mary and Joseph to find more creative lodgings. However I wanted to keep the idea of the Innkeeper because it allows us to ponder and decide if we are going to let Christ in or if we've decided there just isn't room? 

Dec. 5th Hay Bale (The Manger/Swaddling cloths)

Read; Tasting the Bread of Life another Ensign article this one from December 1998. 

Watch; Why was Jesus swaddled and laid in a manger?. 

I think the most beautiful part of this idea of swaddling is simply the knowledge that from the day He was born, He was loved. I truly believe that so much of our ability to love others comes from the love we feel. So send out some love today and see how it comes back to you.  

Dec. 6th: Cow (The "stable")

Read; In a stable from the 1992 December  New Era. This is actually a song however I couldn't find a video or any sort of music for it so I would simply reccomend you read it as a poem. Or if you are musically inclined you can find the sheet music for it on churchofjesuschrist.org

Read; Christmas is Christ-like love from a 2014 Christmas devotional. Now just to clarify there is some debate doctrinally and among scholar's about where exactly Christ was born, a stable that Mary and Joseph found along their way, a cave like area were they were led or possibly a courtyard type area that would've belonged to one of their families in Bethlehem. So although the "stable" is the prompt for this day it's not really what I think should be focused on. Rather focus on the truth that He was born and although He was the king of kings his start and his life were humble and certainly not that of a king. In this way I believe he is more approachable, He can truly understand and comfort us. 

Dec. 7th: Angel

Read; The littlest Angel by Charles Tazewell. This beautiful children's story tells the tale of a small child who becomes as angel and his role in the announcement of Jesus' birth. You can find the book here through Amazon. It's also been made into a short and sweet cartoon movie. Now if you can't afford to buy the book or if you just don't want to don't worry! You can also listen to it being read right here on youtube! 

Watch; Glad tidings of Great Joy: the Birth of Jesus Christ 

Dec. 8th: Angel 

Listen to: This beautiful song performed by a multitude of incredibly talented YouTube creators from the Piano Guys to Peter Hollens and David Archuleta. It's beautiful and gives me goosebumps everyone. 

Read: A season for Angels by Elder Bateman from the December 2007 Ensign. 

Dec. 9th: Sheep 

Read; Luke 2:8-20 OR Watch; Shepherds learn of the birth of Christ if you don't have access to a Bible you can get an online version here.  

Dec. 10th: Shepherd with Sheep beside him

Read; Shepherds a poem by Teresa Bateman from the December 1979 New Era. 

Read; In Shepherds' field an article from the December 2008 Ensign. Meet our first shepherd! We have two others on the way. I wanted each Shepherd to connect to us, the audience, after all are we not at times both sheep and shepherds? So this article is an individuals experience of being in the Holy land at the shepherds field. 

Dec. 11th: Sheep

Read; A little lamb, a boy, a Christmas story 

Read or Act out; The shepherds find love an "imaginative story" from a December 1974 Ensign. With both of these stories there is quite a bit of creative licensing taking place. However I felt that this would connect with any children participating in the adventure. After all, I find the shepherds example of dropping everything to go find Jesus at the invite of the Angels rather child-like in obedience, don't you? 

Dec. 12th: Kneeling Shepherd 

Listen to: Where Shepherds lately Knelt. This is easily one of the most beautiful Christmas songs I've found. I love the message conveyed of a shepherds humble experience being trusted with the knowledge of Jesus Chirst. My favorite lyric? "Can I, will I forget how Love was born, and burned Its way into my heart unasked, unforced, unearned" 

Dec. 13th: Sheep

Listen to: Royal Choral Society: Hallelujah chorus in isolation. This remarkable performance of Handel's Hallelujah chorus brought to me thoughts and feeling of angels filling the heavens to rejoice in the birth of our Savior. And although this Christmas may look quite different we can still rejoice heart and soul at the birth of our Savior. 

Read; A modern angelic host from the 2019 Christmas devotional. 

Dec. 14th: Shepherd 

Read; A Savior is Born from the 2015 December Ensign. This talk focuses on what the shepherds did after seeing and knowing Jesus. They go out and testify fearlessly to everyone the truths they have learned for themselves. 

Listen to; He was here or as I refer to it, The Shepherds song from the Forgotten carols. Again we see shepherds going out and sharing what they know, only this time the focus is in those who are choosing to believe on their words. Hopefully and more than likely in our lives we will be both a Shepherd and a trusting believer. Where are you now? Where do you want to be? 

Dec. 15th: Sheep

Read; Make us thy true undershepherd this is an article from Church News. She points out some of the symbolism of Christ's birth. Of the shepherds who first saw Him and of who He is as our Good Shepherd. 

Dec. 16th: Sheep

Read; Walking with the Shepherds. 

Read; Mosiah 18:8-10. If you don't have a copy of the Book of Mormon you can get a copy here. If you've never heard of the Book of Mormon you can ask these incredible people. You know, it's hard to believe that for over a week now we have focused on the sheep and shepherds who bore witness to the birth of Christ. This article is the perfect way to sum it all up. We have been given the invitation, the command really (especially if we've been baptized) to be a witness of Jesus Christ. There is no better time to deepen our commitment to witness of Him than during this Christmas season. 

Dec. 17th: Star

Read; Helaman 14:2-5 from the Book of Mormon, use the reccomend link from earlier to get the online Book of Mormon if needed. 

Watch; Light the World video

Read; The Christmas Candle by Richard Paul Evans. This is a meaningful lesson about having eyes to see others as they truly are, children of God and part of our family all wrapped up in the guise of a children story. It's one of my favorites and you can buy it here I promise it'll be worth it! However if money is tight this year and buying this new book won't work for you, you can instead listen to it being read right now. 

Dec. 18th: Wisemen 

Watch; The Wise men seek Jesus Bible video 

Read; Gold, frankincense and myrrh from the December 2016 New Era. The video tells the biblical account of the wise men and more or less covers everything we know. The article dives a little deeper and explains some of the symbolism and meaning behind the actions and gifts of the wise men. 

Dec. 19th: Camel

Listen to; the Forgotten Carols three kings song. It's a beautiful reminder that Jesus was found and if we seek for him, we will find him again. 

Read; Gold, Circumstance and Mud a story by Rex Knowles. In lieu of a link to lead you to this story I have simply copied it (with sources) right here. 

"It was the week before Christmas, I was baby-sitting with our four older children while my wife took the baby for his check-up. (Baby-sitting to me means reading the paper while the kids mess up the house.)

Only that day I wasn’t reading. I was fuming. On every page of the paper, as I flicked angrily through them, gifts glittered and reindeer pranced, and I was told that there were only six more days in which to rush out and buy what I couldn’t afford and nobody needed. What, I asked myself indignantly, did the glitter and the rush have to do with the birth of Christ?

There was a knock on the door of the study where I had barricaded myself. Then Nancy’s voice, “Daddy, we have a play to put on. Do you want to see it?”

I didn’t. But I had fatherly responsibilities so I followed her into the living room. Right away I knew it was a Christmas play for at the foot of the piano stool was a lighted flashlight wrapped in swaddling clothes lying in a shoe box.

Rex (age 6) came in wearing my bathrobe and carrying a mop handle. He sat on the stool, looked at the flashlight. Nancy (10) draped a sheet over her head, stood behind Rex and began, “I’m Mary and this boy is Joseph. Usually in this play Joseph stands up and Mary sits down. But Mary sitting down is taller than Joseph standing up so we thought it looked better this way.”

Enter Trudy (4) at a full run. She never has learned to walk. There were pillowcases over her arms. She spread them wide and said only, “I’m an angel.”

Then came Anne (8). I knew right away she represented a wise man. In the first place she moved like she was riding a camel (she had on her mother’s high heels). And she was bedecked with all the jewelry available. On a pillow she carried three items, undoubtedly gold, frankincense, and myrrh.

She undulated across the room, bowed to the flashlight, to Mary, to Joseph, to the angel, and to me and then announced, “I’m all three wise men. I bring precious gifts: gold, circumstance, and mud.”

That was all. The play was over. I didn’t laugh. I prayed. How near the truth Anne was! We come at Christmas burdened down with gold—with the showy gift and the tinsely tree. Under the circumstances we can do no other, circumstances of our time and place and custom. And it seems a bit like mud when we think of it.

But I looked at the shining faces of my children, as their audience of one applauded them, and remembered that a Child showed us how these things can be transformed. I remembered that this Child came into a material world and in so doing eternally blessed the material. He accepted the circumstances, imperfect and frustrating, into which He was born, and thereby infused them with the divine. And as for mud—to you and me it may be something to sweep off the rug, but to all children it is something to build with.

Children see so surely through the tinsel and the habit and the earthly, to the love which, in them all, strains for expression." [The Guideposts Christmas Treasury (Carmel, NY: Guideposts Associates, 1972), pp. 197–98]

Dec. 20th: Wisemen

Read; the definition of Magi in the Bible Dictionary. This is a resource found in the scriptures printed by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. You can also find it online like in this instance. 

Read; the story of the fourth wise man. This is a fictional story written by Henry Van Dyke. Now the truth of the matter is we do not know how many wise men there were. More than one thats for certain. However I love this short story that helps us look at the gifts we give to him. Slight spoiler the story does end with the passing of the fourth wise man, it's a little strange, and might be hard for any young readers to grasp, but push through overall the story it beautiful and very poignant. 

Dec. 21st: Camel

Watch; What can I give Him? This is a beautiful poem. Everytime I listen to this I get chills! I stumbled upon it by chance and it's a beautiful way to ponder and search my own soul during christmas time. 

Read; The Search for Jesus by President Monson from a December 1990 Ensign. 

Dec. 22nd: Wisemen 

Watch; Wise men still seek him video. 

Read; The little Wise men from the December 1985 Friend. This is the most precious story about being a modern day wise man by showing love to those around you. I think the best part is the children didn't go out seeking to be "wise men" however when we seek to follow Jesus that's just who we become. 

Dec. 23rd: Camel

Watch; What shall we give? A music Christmas video. 

Read; A Christmas with No Present by President Faust from the December 2001 Ensign. I will end the story of the wisemen with this final thought: what will you give Him this Christmas?

Dec. 24th: Baby Jesus 

Read; The Living Christ. 

Watch; The Chirst Child: a Nativity Story

I can't believe this is over. This has been an incredible journey. My love for my Savior has grown as I've done this advent. And I deeply hope yours has too. I know the Christmas season can get busy, can seem over commercial and it can be hard to remember what it's all really about. And I know for so many of us this Christmas is unlike any other, some of us are lonely and away from our families others of us may be anxious or mourning. But through it all the magic of Christmas is in knowing what it's all really about. It's about a baby who came down and loved us, who lived to show us the way and who died that we could have Hope. So have hope this Christmas and always because of Him. 

Merry Christmas to all! 

Let's bake a cake

So I'm a cake decorator. Have I mentioned this before? I honestly can't remember haha. But yeah, I have this little business

(my side hustle as I like to refer to it) where I bake for people. I've done weddings, baby showers, many birthday honestly you name it I've probably baked for it. And as for what I bake? Well think tasty desserts and breads and anything that is going to cause you to let out that waistband just a bit more. Haha. 

But specifically for this post I want to talk about cake! Did you know that I design my cakes on paper before I make them? Yup ots a thing. Sometime the designs are hyper specific

and sometimes they're more vague. But it always helps me to figure out what I need to do if I start out on paper. 

My latest adventure was just that an adventure from start to finish. It all started with a request for a birthday cake from a very loyal customer and close friend. A dragon themed birthday cake. Oh boy oh boy! After a few days of searching on Google, drawing and dreaming I'd decided on my design 

 (see sometimes it's pretty vague). Once I'd gotten an A-OK from the client it was time to start creating the different elements, specifically the wings and the tail. 

First the wings:

I started by following a printed wing design with wire and then covering it with floral tape. It was tedious, it was annoying, in the end it was worth it. Then after some deliberating between whether I should use gumpaste, fondant or modeling chocolate I decided to go with modeling chocolate. Basically a playdough, no more clay, like mixture of melted white chocolate, corn syrup and a little corn starch. (Hey I never said my baking was healthy) I rolled it out thin as I could and covered the wire outline,

Yeah, like that. After a few tries I'd figured out all the tricks. First leave a bit of a edge when you trim it. You can use that to create the slight lip that goes around the wing. Think larger along the top and thin on the bottom. Then roll some little snakes and place them like the... veins? In a dragon wing add some claws and ta-da! 

Dragon wing! Now do the same thing for the other one, but remember it needs to be an opposite wing if you're not careful you'll end up having to do a redo after realizing you've made to left handed wings. Oops! 

Now for the tail! 

Start by making a big o'l snake. Think large to small (that's usually how tails work). After you have a shape you like decide how it's going to lay around the base of your cake. For this I used my 8" cake pan and just designed it for that. 

Then add a little strip down the middle, like a rib or something. Idk how exactly to describe it. Then after a few different attempts and failures I found a method that worked for me to get the little spikes. Simply use a clean pair of scissors to cut little triangles along the top. As you go down the tail towards the end make the triangles smaller. 

There you go! Now we simply wait. Let them kinda dry out. And pro tip (learned this the hard way) go straight to airbrushing so you have time for them to dry again. 

Airbrush time!! 

First mix the color. I used a custom color combination. Part purple, part metallic silver and part pearlescent. 

I actually started with the wings and (this is important) on the back side! This way when you flip 'em over they'll still look great. 

Then I added a little accent colors (black and silver) on the tail I colored the spikes black and the edges silver. On the wings I colored the "veins" and claws black with a slight silver tip. Then let it all dry!! 

Now for the cake assembly! 

First layer the cake layers with whatever filling in between. Do a solid crumb coat and refigerate. Step two cover in frosting purple was the color choice! Then pop her in the freezer. We need this frosting super cold! 

Next add the wings! This was tricky. They ere heavy and kinda awkward. But if you place them in at an angle it worked out. Then add skewers behind the large parts of the wing in the cake to support them. Next add the ti to the base of the cake. I used some extra frosting to "glue" it in place. 

Then add some "scales" take a large straw and remove the top edge. So it's a slight "U" shape. Begin adding scale sections, I didn't want to cover the whole cake so I just did random areas. Pipe on the nose and eyes.

And ta-da! You have a glorious dragon cake to make the dreams come true for every dragon lover in your life!