Fear of Intimacy?

So I think I have a problem. As many of you know my dating escapades have been less than successful throughout my life. And just the other day those same feelings reared their ugly little heads. Alright let you catch you up to speed;

His name is GS (stands for German shepherd because those are his favorite dogs, what you thought I'd be crazy enough to use his real name?) We started casually talking during the first shutdown this year. I connected with him on Mutual however that wasn't actually how we first met. See GS is in my stake so I'd seen him several times at different YSA activities. He was always very nice and fun to be around but there wasn't like insane infatuation going on, though there was some casual flirting. Anyway we started talking online and it was pretty casual just get to know you type things didn't really go anywhere. We stopped talking then jump forward a few months and randomly I decide to reach out again. We start talking this time things are different he asks if I'd want to go out sometime I quickly agree and then nothing. So I get a little forward and nudge us into our first date the date took place in September, we went on our second date in October and I asked him on a 3rd but he got sick and had to cancel this past weekend we finally cross the 3rd date line. 

On this 3rd date among other things we cuddled and before he left I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek he returned it and then I immediately felt sick to my stomach. This has happened before after moments of intimacy (cuddles, hand holding, thoughts of kissing on the lips) its a real buzz-killer. That evening he and I DTRed over messenger (for those not of the text speech generation DTR means define the relationship). We agreed to keep seeing each other and creep into bf/gf territory i.e. he said I could introduce/refer to him as my bf but he wanted to move real slow like. Okay great whatever. However the same nauseous feeling returned. This has happened before too. 

With my only other attempt at a bf after we had cuddled and such I felt like we'd crossed some lines relationship wise and might be straying bf/gf area (to be fair we, specifically he, were both a bit younger and I didn't want to make things too complex at the point). Anyways the sick feeling came and after making some pretty serious ground rules it went away. However my feelings changed.... right as we should be getting closer than ever I was doing everything I could to push him away. I didn't reply to his messages, I was critical, I wasn't open with him about my feelings, it was a mess. For so long I'd blamed those issues on the fact that during this time I was also dealing with a chronic illness diagnosis and life was pretty bleak and messy. So I'd always brushed away those mental emotional issues. 

The thing is right after GS and I DTRed I suddenly felt sick the next time he called me sweetheart and my desire to message him has lessened, that not to say I don't thin about him I do! A lot actually. But I don't want to reply right away and I don't do as much to keep conversations going. So I've decided something is wrong but what? 

Well after some googling and article reading I realized I might have a fear of intimacy (not to be confused with a fear of sex although that may very well be an issue as well and can be a part of this). I did an physc assessment to a track your FIS (fear of intimacy) levels after scoring it my score was 127 for some perspective the lowest score you can get is 35 and the highest is 175. The US average score? Between 80-90. Yup.... I think I have a problem alright. 

Thankfully I have a therapy session on Monday and this will definitely be a topic of discussion let me tell you what! Here's the thing though they talked about reasons why someone would have high levels of FIS and a lot of them came back to trauma and abuse, which I have been blessed never to truly experience. But then they talked about Soca Anxiety and fear of judgment oh... oh dang... hit that one right on the head. So what do I do? I don't know... obviously therapy haha. 

Some other things reccomend in the articles I read was practicing self compassion something I am focusing on right now and reading a book about as well. Also addressing and working with the inner critic (mine is loud and very present) and she's something I've been working on with my therapist as well. Another thought? Talking about these things with your partner, don't leave them in the dark haha yeah no thanks. Let's not dump all the crazy on GS right now. But maybe I should idk... it's so scary though!! I did feel like I should talk about it though and so I figured I'd write this and maybe it would help. It sorta did...  at least I have all these thoughts and feelings out of my head. 

Well until next time I guess... thanks for listening. Wishing you love and happiness going forward! 

P.s. here are some links to the articles I read and the assessment I took:

Self sabotaging. Fear of intimacy. FIS assesment and scoring. Overcoming fear of intimacy. 

Christmas Advent Calendar

Alright, alright before you start freaking out because Christmas has been mentioned before December 1st may I advise you to take a chill pill? Cool thanks, that'll make the remainder of this post much more enjoyable for the rest of us.

I have always loved advent calendars! I love the idea of opening a drawer or a window and finding a wonderful treat just for me. Be that treat a candy or a pair of socks or a movie or whatever it is, it is an immediate pick up for the winter time blues. A few years back,  right around the time I seriously committed to collecting Nativities, I thought it would be such a delight to have a Nativity advent calendar. After much searching I found the one it was for every day during the month of December and it was a precious moments nativity. Oh, be still my beating heart!! *imagine intense anime heart eyes* However due to the cost of the nativity we didn't purchase it, until now!! Yes, that's right my Mother finally splurged, it helps that there's finally a grandchild in the picture who could benefit from it in the future. The precious is finally mine! 

Now the set is adorable and on its own it's pretty perfect but I got this idea in my head that we could increase the overall awesomeness by adding to the advent experience. I decided that for each day and each figure I would connect it to a scripture, article, video, song, etc. To teach a deeper lesson and give greater meaning to the Christmas season and the Nativity at the center of it. At first I hoped I could find something online and "borrow" *cough, cough* copy *cough* their ideas. But it was not to be, after some quick searches I couldn't find exactly what I was looking for and, much like a frosting color when you can't find the exact match you're looking for you, gotta make it yourself! 

So in the beginning of November my adventure started. I can tell you what I was expecting: I was expecting to feel the spirit and find something here or there that I hadn't already mentally chosen. I was expecting to take a week or so tops and then be done. And to be completely honest I was mostly expecting it to be a rather tedious addition to my morning scripture study. My expectations have been completely blown out of the water!! I'm not entirely sure how to express in words just how revelatory and spiritually filling this experience has been. 

I have looked at each item in the nativity calendar to use as a guide but as you'd imagine there really weren't 24 different characters to be found in the scriptural accounts of Christ's birth. So to fill the empty spaces there are a few added figures, as in 5 different sheep, 3 camels, a cow, 2 bays of hay among others. I mean where am I supposed to go scripturally with a hay bale?!? I felt a little overwhelmed but thankfully the first few figures were pretty expected (Mary and Joseph) and incredibly moving to find a different item(s) of media to connect to them. So I figured I could find a way to make a hay bale and a cow spiritual. And believe it or not I actually did! It took some pondering, thinking about what exactly as artist might be trying to symbolize in these different figures and what aspects of the nativity story I felt needed to be touched on. What followed was revelation, there's no other word for it. I have felt so blessed to have Heavenly Fathers help as I've made this journey. It is a powerful reminder to me that if we ask in faith and through prayer, He'll help us. When people say, "It matters to Him because it matters to you" I can honestly say I know that to be true. I would encourage you to find something, maybe it's not a Nativity themed advent calendar, to study and deeply ponder about and you'll be amazed to see revelation flow from heaven straight to you. 

Now that I've built this up to heights I'm sure it'll hardly reach let's go though the Nativity Advent: 

Dec.1st: Mary 

Read; Mary, the mother of Jesus from the January 2019 Ensign. 

Listen to; Pentatonix's version of Mary did you know? found on YouTube. 

At first I wasn't going to add any thoughts to this prompt. However, I feel impressed to do otherwise. Mary is one of few women named in the scriptures and although her story is certainly not the focus nor should we worship her I believe there is much we can learn from her humble willingness to accept God's will for her life. Something I believe she taught to her Son that led him to say, "Thy will not mine be done." So much of who we are comes from our mothers and I hope and pray that one day I will have the opportunity to be a mother like Mary. 

Dec. 2nd: Joseph 

Watch; The first Christmas spirit a video focusing on Joseph's feelings and impressions during the childhood of Jesus created by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. There is something beautiful about Joseph being trusted as the foster father of the Son of God. We don't know much of him, or how his story ends. But I believe the most important truth we learn from Joseph is to seek to be spiritually in tune with the Lord and follow any directions he sends us; as Joseph did when he followed his revelatory dreams 3 different times in the scriptures. 

Dec. 3rd: Donkey (Trip to Bethlehem)

Read; The road to Bethlehem from December 1995 Ensign. In my desire to make this as easily accessible as possible and also as doctrinaly accurate I had to remove the focus from a sweet donkey that carried Mary to Bethlehem and instead focus on the journey Mary and Joseph simply took to fulfill prophecy that Jesus Christ would be born in Bethlehem. However! If you are looking for a sweet more donkey focused story I'd reccomend Small One by Alex Walsh (apparently there is also a short 30min animation that depicts this story as well, which you can actually find on disney+). 

Dec. 4th: Hay Bale (The Inn/Innkeeper)

Read; Trouble at the Inn a short story originally published in readers digest. There's debate about whether or not this is a true story but regardless the message is beautiful. 

Listen to; Let Him In from the Forgotten Carols by Michael McLean. It tells the fictional story of an innkeepers response following his experience with the Christ child. Now this may seem like quite the 180° after I just said that I didn't focus on the donkey because it wasn't necessarily doctrinaly accurate and there's not a lot of doctrinal backup for a "mean innkeeper" who turns away Mary and Joseph. However we do know that Bethlehem was crowed and room was limited, leading Mary and Joseph to find more creative lodgings. However I wanted to keep the idea of the Innkeeper because it allows us to ponder and decide if we are going to let Christ in or if we've decided there just isn't room? 

Dec. 5th Hay Bale (The Manger/Swaddling cloths)

Read; Tasting the Bread of Life another Ensign article this one from December 1998. 

Watch; Why was Jesus swaddled and laid in a manger?. 

I think the most beautiful part of this idea of swaddling is simply the knowledge that from the day He was born, He was loved. I truly believe that so much of our ability to love others comes from the love we feel. So send out some love today and see how it comes back to you.  

Dec. 6th: Cow (The "stable")

Read; In a stable from the 1992 December  New Era. This is actually a song however I couldn't find a video or any sort of music for it so I would simply reccomend you read it as a poem. Or if you are musically inclined you can find the sheet music for it on churchofjesuschrist.org

Read; Christmas is Christ-like love from a 2014 Christmas devotional. Now just to clarify there is some debate doctrinally and among scholar's about where exactly Christ was born, a stable that Mary and Joseph found along their way, a cave like area were they were led or possibly a courtyard type area that would've belonged to one of their families in Bethlehem. So although the "stable" is the prompt for this day it's not really what I think should be focused on. Rather focus on the truth that He was born and although He was the king of kings his start and his life were humble and certainly not that of a king. In this way I believe he is more approachable, He can truly understand and comfort us. 

Dec. 7th: Angel

Read; The littlest Angel by Charles Tazewell. This beautiful children's story tells the tale of a small child who becomes as angel and his role in the announcement of Jesus' birth. You can find the book here through Amazon. It's also been made into a short and sweet cartoon movie. Now if you can't afford to buy the book or if you just don't want to don't worry! You can also listen to it being read right here on youtube! 

Watch; Glad tidings of Great Joy: the Birth of Jesus Christ 

Dec. 8th: Angel 

Listen to: This beautiful song performed by a multitude of incredibly talented YouTube creators from the Piano Guys to Peter Hollens and David Archuleta. It's beautiful and gives me goosebumps everyone. 

Read: A season for Angels by Elder Bateman from the December 2007 Ensign. 

Dec. 9th: Sheep 

Read; Luke 2:8-20 OR Watch; Shepherds learn of the birth of Christ if you don't have access to a Bible you can get an online version here.  

Dec. 10th: Shepherd with Sheep beside him

Read; Shepherds a poem by Teresa Bateman from the December 1979 New Era. 

Read; In Shepherds' field an article from the December 2008 Ensign. Meet our first shepherd! We have two others on the way. I wanted each Shepherd to connect to us, the audience, after all are we not at times both sheep and shepherds? So this article is an individuals experience of being in the Holy land at the shepherds field. 

Dec. 11th: Sheep

Listen to the story: The Crippled Lamb by Max Lucado. 

Read or Act out; The shepherds find love an "imaginative story" from a December 1974 Ensign. With both of these stories there is quite a bit of creative licensing taking place. However I felt that this would connect with any children participating in the adventure. After all, I find the shepherds example of dropping everything to go find Jesus at the invite of the Angels rather child-like in obedience, don't you? 

Dec. 12th: Kneeling Shepherd 

Listen to: Where Shepherds lately Knelt. This is easily one of the most beautiful Christmas songs I've found. I love the message conveyed of a shepherds humble experience being trusted with the knowledge of Jesus Chirst. My favorite lyric? "Can I, will I forget how Love was born, and burned Its way into my heart unasked, unforced, unearned" 

Dec. 13th: Sheep

Listen to: Royal Choral Society: Hallelujah chorus in isolation. This remarkable performance of Handel's Hallelujah chorus brought to me thoughts and feeling of angels filling the heavens to rejoice in the birth of our Savior. And although this Christmas may look quite different we can still rejoice heart and soul at the birth of our Savior. 

Read; A modern angelic host from the 2019 Christmas devotional. 

Dec. 14th: Shepherd 

Read; A Savior is Born from the 2015 December Ensign. This talk focuses on what the shepherds did after seeing and knowing Jesus. They go out and testify fearlessly to everyone the truths they have learned for themselves. 

Listen to; He was here or as I refer to it, The Shepherds song from the Forgotten carols. Again we see shepherds going out and sharing what they know, only this time the focus is in those who are choosing to believe on their words. Hopefully and more than likely in our lives we will be both a Shepherd and a trusting believer. Where are you now? Where do you want to be? 

Dec. 15th: Sheep

Read; Make us thy true undershepherd this is an article from Church News. She points out some of the symbolism of Christ's birth. Of the shepherds who first saw Him and of who He is as our Good Shepherd. 

Dec. 16th: Sheep

Read; Walking with the Shepherds. 

Read; Mosiah 18:8-10. If you don't have a copy of the Book of Mormon you can get a copy here. If you've never heard of the Book of Mormon you can ask these incredible people. You know, it's hard to believe that for over a week now we have focused on the sheep and shepherds who bore witness to the birth of Christ. This article is the perfect way to sum it all up. We have been given the invitation, the command really (especially if we've been baptized) to be a witness of Jesus Christ. There is no better time to deepen our commitment to witness of Him than during this Christmas season. 

Dec. 17th: Star

Read; Helaman 14:2-5 from the Book of Mormon, use the reccomend link from earlier to get the online Book of Mormon if needed. 

Watch; Light the World video

Read; The Christmas Candle by Richard Paul Evans. This is a meaningful lesson about having eyes to see others as they truly are, children of God and part of our family all wrapped up in the guise of a children story. It's one of my favorites and you can buy it here I promise it'll be worth it! However if money is tight this year and buying this new book won't work for you, you can instead listen to it being read right now. 

Dec. 18th: Wisemen 

Watch; The Wise men seek Jesus Bible video 

Read; Gold, frankincense and myrrh from the December 2016 New Era. The video tells the biblical account of the wise men and more or less covers everything we know. The article dives a little deeper and explains some of the symbolism and meaning behind the actions and gifts of the wise men. 

Dec. 19th: Camel

Listen to; the Forgotten Carols three kings song. It's a beautiful reminder that Jesus was found and if we seek for him, we will find him again. 

Read; Gold, Circumstance and Mud a story by Rex Knowles. In lieu of a link to lead you to this story I have simply copied it (with sources) right here. 

"It was the week before Christmas, I was baby-sitting with our four older children while my wife took the baby for his check-up. (Baby-sitting to me means reading the paper while the kids mess up the house.)

Only that day I wasn’t reading. I was fuming. On every page of the paper, as I flicked angrily through them, gifts glittered and reindeer pranced, and I was told that there were only six more days in which to rush out and buy what I couldn’t afford and nobody needed. What, I asked myself indignantly, did the glitter and the rush have to do with the birth of Christ?

There was a knock on the door of the study where I had barricaded myself. Then Nancy’s voice, “Daddy, we have a play to put on. Do you want to see it?”

I didn’t. But I had fatherly responsibilities so I followed her into the living room. Right away I knew it was a Christmas play for at the foot of the piano stool was a lighted flashlight wrapped in swaddling clothes lying in a shoe box.

Rex (age 6) came in wearing my bathrobe and carrying a mop handle. He sat on the stool, looked at the flashlight. Nancy (10) draped a sheet over her head, stood behind Rex and began, “I’m Mary and this boy is Joseph. Usually in this play Joseph stands up and Mary sits down. But Mary sitting down is taller than Joseph standing up so we thought it looked better this way.”

Enter Trudy (4) at a full run. She never has learned to walk. There were pillowcases over her arms. She spread them wide and said only, “I’m an angel.”

Then came Anne (8). I knew right away she represented a wise man. In the first place she moved like she was riding a camel (she had on her mother’s high heels). And she was bedecked with all the jewelry available. On a pillow she carried three items, undoubtedly gold, frankincense, and myrrh.

She undulated across the room, bowed to the flashlight, to Mary, to Joseph, to the angel, and to me and then announced, “I’m all three wise men. I bring precious gifts: gold, circumstance, and mud.”

That was all. The play was over. I didn’t laugh. I prayed. How near the truth Anne was! We come at Christmas burdened down with gold—with the showy gift and the tinsely tree. Under the circumstances we can do no other, circumstances of our time and place and custom. And it seems a bit like mud when we think of it.

But I looked at the shining faces of my children, as their audience of one applauded them, and remembered that a Child showed us how these things can be transformed. I remembered that this Child came into a material world and in so doing eternally blessed the material. He accepted the circumstances, imperfect and frustrating, into which He was born, and thereby infused them with the divine. And as for mud—to you and me it may be something to sweep off the rug, but to all children it is something to build with.

Children see so surely through the tinsel and the habit and the earthly, to the love which, in them all, strains for expression." [The Guideposts Christmas Treasury (Carmel, NY: Guideposts Associates, 1972), pp. 197–98]

Dec. 20th: Wisemen

Read; the definition of Magi in the Bible Dictionary. This is a resource found in the scriptures printed by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. You can also find it online like in this instance. 

Read; the story of the fourth wise man. This is a fictional story written by Henry Van Dyke. Now the truth of the matter is we do not know how many wise men there were. More than one thats for certain. However I love this short story that helps us look at the gifts we give to him. Slight spoiler the story does end with the passing of the fourth wise man, it's a little strange, and might be hard for any young readers to grasp, but push through overall the story it beautiful and very poignant. 

Dec. 21st: Camel

Watch; What can I give Him? This is a beautiful poem. Everytime I listen to this I get chills! I stumbled upon it by chance and it's a beautiful way to ponder and search my own soul during christmas time. 

Read; The Search for Jesus by President Monson from a December 1990 Ensign. 

Dec. 22nd: Wisemen 

Watch; Wise men still seek him video. 

Read; The little Wise men from the December 1985 Friend. This is the most precious story about being a modern day wise man by showing love to those around you. I think the best part is the children didn't go out seeking to be "wise men" however when we seek to follow Jesus that's just who we become. 

Dec. 23rd: Camel

Watch; What shall we give? A music Christmas video. 

Read; A Christmas with No Present by President Faust from the December 2001 Ensign. I will end the story of the wisemen with this final thought: what will you give Him this Christmas?

Dec. 24th: Baby Jesus 

Read; The Living Christ. 

Watch; The Chirst Child: a Nativity Story

I can't believe this is over. This has been an incredible journey. My love for my Savior has grown as I've done this advent. And I deeply hope yours has too. I know the Christmas season can get busy, can seem over commercial and it can be hard to remember what it's all really about. And I know for so many of us this Christmas is unlike any other, some of us are lonely and away from our families others of us may be anxious or mourning. But through it all the magic of Christmas is in knowing what it's all really about. It's about a baby who came down and loved us, who lived to show us the way and who died that we could have Hope. So have hope this Christmas and always because of Him. 

Merry Christmas to all! 

Let's bake a cake

So I'm a cake decorator. Have I mentioned this before? I honestly can't remember haha. But yeah, I have this little business

(my side hustle as I like to refer to it) where I bake for people. I've done weddings, baby showers, many birthday honestly you name it I've probably baked for it. And as for what I bake? Well think tasty desserts and breads and anything that is going to cause you to let out that waistband just a bit more. Haha. 

But specifically for this post I want to talk about cake! Did you know that I design my cakes on paper before I make them? Yup ots a thing. Sometime the designs are hyper specific

and sometimes they're more vague. But it always helps me to figure out what I need to do if I start out on paper. 

My latest adventure was just that an adventure from start to finish. It all started with a request for a birthday cake from a very loyal customer and close friend. A dragon themed birthday cake. Oh boy oh boy! After a few days of searching on Google, drawing and dreaming I'd decided on my design 

 (see sometimes it's pretty vague). Once I'd gotten an A-OK from the client it was time to start creating the different elements, specifically the wings and the tail. 

First the wings:

I started by following a printed wing design with wire and then covering it with floral tape. It was tedious, it was annoying, in the end it was worth it. Then after some deliberating between whether I should use gumpaste, fondant or modeling chocolate I decided to go with modeling chocolate. Basically a playdough, no more clay, like mixture of melted white chocolate, corn syrup and a little corn starch. (Hey I never said my baking was healthy) I rolled it out thin as I could and covered the wire outline,

Yeah, like that. After a few tries I'd figured out all the tricks. First leave a bit of a edge when you trim it. You can use that to create the slight lip that goes around the wing. Think larger along the top and thin on the bottom. Then roll some little snakes and place them like the... veins? In a dragon wing add some claws and ta-da! 

Dragon wing! Now do the same thing for the other one, but remember it needs to be an opposite wing if you're not careful you'll end up having to do a redo after realizing you've made to left handed wings. Oops! 

Now for the tail! 

Start by making a big o'l snake. Think large to small (that's usually how tails work). After you have a shape you like decide how it's going to lay around the base of your cake. For this I used my 8" cake pan and just designed it for that. 

Then add a little strip down the middle, like a rib or something. Idk how exactly to describe it. Then after a few different attempts and failures I found a method that worked for me to get the little spikes. Simply use a clean pair of scissors to cut little triangles along the top. As you go down the tail towards the end make the triangles smaller. 

There you go! Now we simply wait. Let them kinda dry out. And pro tip (learned this the hard way) go straight to airbrushing so you have time for them to dry again. 

Airbrush time!! 

First mix the color. I used a custom color combination. Part purple, part metallic silver and part pearlescent. 

I actually started with the wings and (this is important) on the back side! This way when you flip 'em over they'll still look great. 

Then I added a little accent colors (black and silver) on the tail I colored the spikes black and the edges silver. On the wings I colored the "veins" and claws black with a slight silver tip. Then let it all dry!! 

Now for the cake assembly! 

First layer the cake layers with whatever filling in between. Do a solid crumb coat and refigerate. Step two cover in frosting purple was the color choice! Then pop her in the freezer. We need this frosting super cold! 

Next add the wings! This was tricky. They ere heavy and kinda awkward. But if you place them in at an angle it worked out. Then add skewers behind the large parts of the wing in the cake to support them. Next add the ti to the base of the cake. I used some extra frosting to "glue" it in place. 

Then add some "scales" take a large straw and remove the top edge. So it's a slight "U" shape. Begin adding scale sections, I didn't want to cover the whole cake so I just did random areas. Pipe on the nose and eyes.

And ta-da! You have a glorious dragon cake to make the dreams come true for every dragon lover in your life! 

Tips for a Successful I.V. treatment

When I was first diagnosed with UC my doctor reccomened the standard pill treatment. I took 3 to 4 horse pills everyday while also taking prednisone to try and get things under control. However as we ended the prednisone treatment the UC symptoms increased again. Obviously we could've kept me on prednisone but for the safety of my family and the world as a whole we decided instead to change medications all together. I started an I.V. medication Remicade and I've been on it since. 

You may have some questions about all this so let me briefly explain how things work. I schedule my I.V. appointment through my Drs office and on the scheduled day I arrive at my local hospital. After checking in and getting my wrist band I go to outpatient short stay. They get me checked in and in a room. A standard room has a little reliner for me to sit in as well as a few chairs for others and all the equipment needed by the nurses to perform my procedure. Then they check my weight (the medications quantity is based off of weight and they mix it up in the hospital pharmacy) and do my vitals. Then the nurse gives me my pre-meds (Tylenol and benadryl) to help with any side-effects from the medication. And they get an I.V. in my hand. Once the medication arrive they hook everything up and I hang out for a few hours while the bag of meds empty. Once that's done they remove the I.V. and send me home. Ta-da! Now that you know the jist of the experience you can better appreciate my 10 tips for an I.V. treatment. 

1. Dress comfy! (And warm) Sounds weird but honestly go in PJs, bring the slippers, and above all don't choose fancy outfits that require lots of clasping and stuff! You are having huge amounts of fluids pumped directly into your blood stream you'll be using the bathroom a lot. Also ask for those warm blankets! They are a godsend and sooooo nice. 

2. Just like with an airplane, download your media entertainment before hand. You will want to watch a movie or read a book or listen to music. However in my experience hospital free WiFi isn't the greatest so download ahead of time to save your data and have better streaming in the moment. 

3. Bring a friend. Before Covid-19 I always asked a friend or family member to drive me. I usually feel pretty sleepy afterwards and it gives me someone to talk to. That's not to say you can't go by yourself and be just fine but it's nice to not be alone. 

4. Be an advocate for yourself!! I cannot stress this enough! If you know which hand you like the I.V. in tell them nurses! If you want apple juice to drink instead of water ask for it. Don't be a "Karen" or anything but speak up for yourself and take care of yourself. Your future self will be grateful for your courage. 

5. Use lidocaine! Lidocaine is the numbing medication that they can put in your hand before the I.V. to help with any pain or discomfort. USE IT!! You will be more comfortable and less anxious if you know its not gonna hurt. And when necessary be a self advocate and ask for it from your nursing staff. 

6. Be okay with napping. Benadryl makes me sleepy but even if it didn't you get bored sitting in a little room. Let yourself rest I.V.s aren't easy and your body needs you to take care of yourself. Don't come into your I.V. with a huge to-do list (unless you can be forgiving if you don't get it done) just allow yourself the time to relax and rest. 

7. Get to know the staff. You will have I.Vs anywhere from every 6 weeks to every 8. Get to know these people, try to remember them and their lives. It makes the experience nicer to feel like you're going to visit some friends instead of being sick at a hospital. 

8. Go easy on yourself after the I.V. don't make plans for that evening. Don't over use your hands and don't be surprised if it takes a few days for you to feel 100% again. Be patient with yourself! 

9. Expect it to not go well sometimes. Sometimes the I.V. isn't gonna go in well. Sometimes the medications will take longer to get from the pharmacy. Sometimes it's gonna hurt more than others. Sometimes you'll get giant bruises. This is all OKAY!!! For every time it doesn't go well there will be 3 times it does. Also be patient as the staff and you get used to things it's gonna take a few visits to find your rhythm. 

10. Find something to be grateful for. Sounds silly and sorta unrelated, but if you can find something to be grateful for you will find joy. There is some much you have been given and remembering that will keep you kind and happy. Life is hard, this might be hard too. But don't give up! 

What did I learn?

Story time; my brother and I decided what we wanted more than anything for dinner was eggs rolls! Yum!! We know a great local place and they make the best egg rolls, I'm literally drooling just thinking about it. However I, in my infinite wisdom, decided we could not just eat egg rolls and therefore would run to the store and buy some noodles to go with them. As we were leaving the store it was raining, no problem there I love a little rain. I hurried to the car and after getting in the door I realized to my ultimate horror that I had lost my actual key, my key to start the car, the car that would allow us to leave the store. I immediately tried to think back to where and when I had my keys, certain I'd had them before checking out I ran back inside to retrace my steps. I was becoming more panicked as I hurried through isles and looked along the floor and under edges of shelves. No dice, nothing to be found. I began to pray, something to the affect of Heavenly Father I really, really actually need help. I don't have any other solution, there isn't an easy answer or different solution. I need my keys to get home, to work, to use my car. I need help now more than before. As I was heading back outside feeling fear and doubt I looked to the ground (still anxiously searching for my keys) and saw a penny, now for those who know that's a bit of a big deal for me. Then I walked further and there was another penny and another. Those pennys led me right out the door with the ultimate usurance that God had heard my prayer, He was answering me and I knew without doubt that I was loved and not alone. After walking out the door I immediately saw my brother who was called out to me, he had found my key.  

This experience has been pressing on my heart and my thoughts and here is what I think I needed to learn or relearn from this: 

1. God doesn't often answer my prayers how I would expect or exactly as I asked. If my prayer had been answered as I expected I would've finished praying and then looking on the ground I would've seen my key directly in front of me and all would be well. I would've left and forgotten the whole experience.

2. God does answer prayers! Mine and yours! I was reminded that God does answer me; sometimes quickly (in moments of desperate need) but other times slowly or seemingly not at all. In those moments I often feel that He's simply shut the door and I'm on my own. In my head I know that's wrong but in my heart its just how I feel. This was an important reminder that not only am I heard I'm answered. 

3. The most important answer that we can receive from Him is a reminder of His love. That's what those penny's were. It was a quite moment were I knew God has seen me, and He love me. Flaws and all. I'm grateful to know that. 

So that's what I learned, hopefully you've learned something too.

Anxiety what now?

Anxiety has been a part of my life probably since childhood I just wasn't as aware of it as I am now. After yesterday's blog post and experience I've decided to break down some common experiences for those with anxiety. And xplain what on earth I'm talking about when I say anxeity spiral. 

What is a panic attack? In a panic attack your mind literally goes into fight or flight mode, you fear for your life and any sense of rationality is gone. Often it affects your breathing and there are other physical symptoms specific to each individual. The biggest thing that sets a panic attack apart from an anxiety attack is there isn't a known stressor causing it. You might be out for ice cream with friends when you have one, or you might be just about to go to bed. Whereas with an anxiety attack you can usually find the cause after some looking. I don't think I've ever had a true panic attack. I have seen a dear friend have one though. And the experience is something I'll never forget. The pain she was feeling, the deep powerful emotions. It was a moment where I felt so powerless to help. It was killing me. She was and still is an incredible woman and I admire her so much. 

An anxiety attack can be similar in symptoms to a panic attack. However it is less severe. It also has a clear cause, some sort or form of stressor that when you have a clear head and can examine the situation you can find. Another difference is that with a panic attack they are usually quite sudden and out of the blue whereas an anxiety attack usually builds in intensity over a period of time. An anxiety attack can hit its peak at any time, like a panic attack. Usually once the stressor is dealt with the anxiety attack is lessened or leaves all together. With panic attacks they tend to just stick with the person throughout their life. 

An anxiety spiral, as I refer to it, is when my anxiety spikes quite suddenly in response to a stress in my life. It usually includes some distorted thinking, some physical responses (crying, heart racing, etc), and a very very loud inner critic having a go at me. They come and go depending on triggers, sometimes (like with yesterday) it's a very obvious mistake or change in my life. Other times it could just be discussing future events or attempting to plan and figure out lives next step. I usually can snap out of them pretty quickly and can address whatever emotions and thoughts were brought up and move right on along. Sometimes (like yesterday) it's harder to break the pattern and get back on track. Sometimes when they are really bad they leave me drained and feeling blah for the rest of the day (like yesterday's).

Even though an anxiety spiral isn't a real term or something another person might use it helps me to refer to it that way. Why? Well it helps me disassociate with my anxiety to recognize it was a moment in my day and I can move past it. It also helps me explain it to another person (usually family) that I wasn't rational or thinking because my anxiety brain had taken hold. 

Anxiety is different for everyone. We experience it differently. We understand it differently. Our symptoms, triggers and overall responses are vastly different. This illness is completely unique to each individual who struggles with it. So it's important to ask respectful and kind questions when you don't understand someone. It's important to be open and honest with those you love about your experience so that they can understand. If I've learned anything it's that going alone to face this dragon isn't easy and it's okay to ask for help. 

Better or worse?

Tonight while walking the dog my brother made a passing comment that my mental illness was worse because I'd admitted to it, "Denial," he said, "is the key to success." Is he right? Are my issues worse because I have admitted my defeat and sought help? If that's the case why admit to the problem? 

Why would alcoholics anonymous have one of their first steps be "admit you have a problem"? 

I wonder if perhaps we're wrong in thinking the problem is made worse by admitting there is a problem to begin with. Perhaps our open eyes simply see the problem, maybe for the first time we really see that yup this is in fact a problem. Who knew? 

I do think my anxiety has been more apparent since I've started therapy but that's because I'm more aware of it. For example:

Today I realized I'd been working an extra half hour in my new job. Oops! Not a huge deal, it's only been for a few weeks and only 2 days a week at that. Certainly not the end of the world, no reason to crumble or destroy ourselves. However I quickly succumbed to an anxiety spiral that was pretty severe. I cried, I screamed, I was angry with myself. Convinced of my own stupidity, my failures, I was a horrible employee, I could do nothing right and it was definitely the end of the world as we know it. 

Would I have responded that way regardless of if I am in therapy. Yes ma'am I would've. So what's the difference? Well this time I realized even as I was spiraling that that's exactly what I was doing. I knew, even as I struggled to challenge them, that my thoughts were very distorted. I knew that my inner critic was running rampant but it was wrong. I am not a failure because I failed. I am a good person, good employee and yeah, I'm human, so what? Before I started therapy I would've simple accepted defeat because I had no reason to see any problem with how I was treating myself. I wouldn't have questioned it and certainly wouldn't have challenged it. 

That's the point of admitting to your problems. You can see them with both eyes open and act when they show their little faces. Just like a diabetic can't deny their way out of high bloodsugar without some insulin. You can just deny yourself into a healthy mental state, a lack of anxiety or freedom from depression. Sure you can push it to the side to get through the next shift at work or feeding your family dinner but that doesn't solve the problem. The only way to overcome it, to heal your heart and mind is to get help. 

Now I do understand not everyone who has mental illness seeks therapy. For some medications or exercise or whatnot is all the treatment they need. But for those who seek it therapy can be a wonderful way to work through some of your problems and get the help we all need to manage life. So yes I'm in therapy, I admit I have a problem with anxiety. But I'm not defeated. Right now I am okay and everyday I'm a little bit better. That's all I can ask of myself and that's all you should expect from yourself or others. Tomorrow is a new day and there will be good in it if you look for it.