Words fail

The world is beyond a crazy mess right now. Covid-19 has everyone freaked and it's only March! I mean come on?! What else could 2020 have in store for us? 

I have had a few life changing moments, I'm not talking about the incredible pizza I ate for dinner moments. I mean I remember the exact place and moment when my life changed. 

I remember getting my mission call to Florida and knowing, and yet somehow not knowing,  that it would change my life forever. I remember sitting in the basement of my grandparents house when the parents came down to tell us my Grandpa had just passed away. I remember sitting in a ER getting a call from a Dr in my ward and hearing the words Ulcerative Colitis. I remember the early phone call with my mission President where I was told my Grandipops had passed. 

This week there was another moment.... a life changing moment. 

Friday the 13th; I woke up early and went to my parents room, like I do everyday. I hadn't slept well, bad dreams and bad feelings all night. Mom was out of bed and getting ready for the day, something felt off. Then suddenly the weeping began and I got the news my cousin had committed suicide. 

Suicide, the act of taking ones own life. This was no foreign concept or strange unknown idea. I know what suicide is, it has haunted my family for a long time. With a brother and sister, uncle, cousins and friends who have struggled and fought against this I had somehow come to beleive that it would never actually happen, not to our family, certainly not now. 

I've made some realizations in the 3 days following this news. 

The first is that the hurt from a suicide... the grief and emotions accompanying this loss are so different than any other loss I've experiences. I truly don't know how to explain it, I hope and pray with every molecule in my body that you never ever understand what I'm talking about. 

Second, perspectives change in half a moment. I have been concerned with job changes, money concerns, politics and obviously Covid-19. But truly those things don't actually matter. Family, trust, love those things matter. Things of an eternal nature, things that will actually matter 5 years from now. I don't know why it is that as humans we become so consumed with things that don't have lasting importance but we do, or at least I do. I can't promise forever but I am truly trying to refocus my life on things of eternal nature. 

Third don't waste a moment! Not a single one. Everyday with the ones you love is a gift. If you have something important to say to someone, say it! Please don't wait!!!!! I think this is something everyone feels after a loss. But boy oh boy! If you live and treat people like it's the last day on earth imagine how kind we would be? 

Finally please don't believe the lie that the world would be better off without you. Don't beleive that you're not needed or not loved. You are loved, please believe me when I say your loss will forever change the lives of more people than you realize. The world will never be the same without you in it. So don't leave, don't give up. Live one more day. Find a reason to exist today and be grateful for it. Cry out for help!! If those closest to you don't hear go to someone else. I don't care if we've never met, come to me if you need help. I promise there is help out there!!! This burden is the hardest one I could imagine to carry, so don't carry it alone! Come to the Savior, let me introduce you and together we can face this. I love you for just being you, thank for living in this world with me. 

Quick and Dirty tips for the UC warrior

This one goes out for the UC warrior's!!! Just some quick tips to make your life a little easier:

1. If you use a rectal suppository medication it's gonna go in easier if you haven't wiped. Yup! Gross and nasty and wash your hands after, but this is will help %100

1.5. Keep pushing! Okay again gross nasty, moving on. It's not far enough in until you literally cannot feel it anymore. So just push it in. Also p.s. it gets easier after the first few times. Don't stress huny. 

2. Joint pain is the worst but copper lined compression gloves will help your hands. Joint pain is one of the leading non-GI symptom to those living with UC. It's one I've recently began to face. Mine is mainly in my hands so these gloves will help. I sleep in mine everynight and I always have more mobility in my finger joints afterwards. 

3. Always carry tums, Gas-ex, peppermint whatever works to treat an upset tummy. Specially if it has a tendency to be triggered by certain foods! The ideal would be to simply avoid those foods, doesn't work but it's ideal. So come prepared and try to plan ahead. Heck if it's really an off day throw a change of underwear and a Ziploc bag in your purse it comes in handy. 

4. Have plenty of Pjs, girl you're gonna need options. Also stock up on comfy sweatshirts. All essential to dealing with bad pain days and flare ups. Also if you worry about wearing Pjs in public just stop. No one actually cares and you rock those Mickey mouse Pjs! 

5. Invest in a good hot pad, a few good ones. You'll want one for your room and one for your couch minimum. And maybe a travel one too. Let's be honest pain is better with a hot pad! It will carry you through many rough night's. 

6. Don't be afraid to try the weird treatments/home remedies. Essential oils? Heck yeah! Salt lamp for relaxation? Sure! Tumuric vitamin? Daily! Crystals under your pillow for healing? Why not! Do not underestimate the power of Belief and if it works for you keep at it. 

7. Laugh long and often! This is kind of a given but it works! The more you laugh the better you'll feel. Somedays you'll need to have a good cry before, during or after the laughter. But allow yourself to find humour in the situations and the world. And surround yourself with others who can share that humour. 

Until there's a cure don't give up! Share your story and share your tips to help others. Remember you are not alone. Sparkle on you majestic Unicorn! 

What to watch? Valentines edition

As Ive been preping for our nearest holiday, valentines day, if you didnt know.

To help you decide on the chick flick for your special night I have complied a list of questions. Simply find the one right for you and choose a movie from that list!

Are you looking for a literary classic? 

Pride and Prejudice, my preferred version has to be with Keira Nightly, plus lets be honest the sound track is incredible! 

Emma, another Jane Austin will always be a valid choice. 

Much ado About Nothing, I mean it's Shakespeare, need I say more? Okay not convinced what if I tell you young Keanu Reeves and Denzel Washington are in it? 

Are you forcing your male SO to watch with you?

 Hitch, I think most guys will willing watch a Will Smith movie, so that makes it a compromise right? 

 What If?  (Not recommended if you're parents are in the room...) 

In the mood for a time traveling romance?  

 When We First Met, Not only is this movie hilarious it's also on Netflix!


Somewhere in Time, this story takes place at the Grand Hotel on Mackinac Island. Oh! and I forgot to mention it has Christopher Reeve in it! *swoon*

   

Kate and Leopold, I'm starting to see a pattern with Meg Ryan being in all these movies. The best part of this movie has got to be young Hugh Jackman! Ooh, what a lovely man.

  Need it to be a musical? 

 If you haven't seen or at least listened to the music from these you're seriously missing out! I mean these are classics, okay we can debate about La La Land later.

 Are you 10? 

 Disney is probably your best option friend :)

 Are you a Sister Missionary?

First get off this blog Sister! Then go enjoy your Valentines Day as a missionary by watching Legacy! Just trust me on this!

 Do you want a Sad story/ending?

 If you're looking for a sad story on Valentines day... well hang in there friend! Eat some ice cream, cry a little (or a lot) and enjoy your sadness.

 Is you're most committed relationship with your pooch? 

This is the best Dog movie I've seen in ages! It made me cry but was so worth it! 10/10 would recommend.

















Would you rather be celebrating Christmas? 

 I'll be honest I'd rather be celebrating Christmas too! These are some of the best Christmas chick-flicks you can go for! Or if you aren't sure about these, my Mom would recommend Christmas In Connecticut. 

Looking for a Laugh out Loud chick-flick?

 Too poor to Travel?

 It's okay I do most of my travel through movies too!

 Is this a set up? 

 Here we are with Meg Ryan again, Sleepless in Seattle is easily my favorite chick-flick despite what others may say. And besides whoever sets you up, your kids or your Grandparent it might work out in the end. 

Are you waiting for Prince Charming?

Ever After is the greatest Cinderella re-telling of all time! Drew Barrymore is brilliant and the love story is the *swoon* most wonderful ever! Oh!! I need to go watch this movie right now!  

Or if all else fails... 

 Princess Bride is the movie to end all movies! It's a comedy, it's and adventure, it's a romance, it's the best movie of all time! #provemewrong 

SO there you go. If you haven't found your movie in this list go back and read it again! Or y'know just watch The Princess Bride.

 

Makeup or Make-nope

So last year I really felt like it was my time to look at my identity as a woman. Thinking about fashion and makeup and hair. I had to come to a decision about what defines my femininity and what did I want to define it? 

I made the decision to stop wearing all forms of makeup. My skin was having some negative reactions to the drugstore makeups I was using. I also felt pressure to always have my makeup done around certain people, especially men, and it never felt like something that was in my control. So with all that in mind I went through and tossed pretty much all of my old, and cheap, makeup. I went makeup free for about 3 months. My skin felt better than it had in ages. I wasn't fighting my achne, it wasn't red and itchy all the time, my eyes didn't hurt as much. And in many ways it was liberating. I still would get complements for looking nice and I felt like they were real because I was real and authentic. 

Then came summer with weddings and outings and I began to miss wearing makeup. I decided that I wanted to wear makeup again. But I wanted to do it on my terms I began to research makeup brands and types that are more natural and skin friendly. However I am a poor sick person and have to live on a budget so I decided to try Burts Bees makeup brand. It's more natural and I can buy it at my walmart. I started small testing out different shadows and options finding what I liked and what looks I liked. Around this time I started to wear lipstick and something clicked! I realized that I liked my lips and I loved the crazy colors the vibrant options! I also liked the class of a red lip and the elegance of a nude. Lipstick became something I really enjoy because my lips tend to be less sensitive that the rest of my facial skin. It's also easy to feel done up when you just throw on a quick lip color. 

The thing was that part of me felt like my desire to wear makeup again was somehow un-liberating me. I felt like I was once again conforming because part of my identity had become that I was makeup free. Finally one day I made my realization: it was my choice! I chose to wear makeup and to not wear it. I didn't wear it because I wanted to impress people. I don't wear it to catch a man. I don't wear it because I think I need it to be pretty. Or for any other reason. I wanted to wear makeup because I felt pretty in it. Because I felt powerful and confident in who I am. And when it comes to defining my femininity it's about how I feel. If painting my nails makes me feel beautiful then I'm gonna do it! If going bra-less makes me feel comfortable then I'm gonna do it. Because this is me. And with everything a chronic illness takes from you, your identity and the identity you create for yourself is all you have. So sparkle on beautiful people however you feel beautiful! 

Epic fail

I've been baking all day. I've decided to attempt to grow my little online business by making something new and amazing and then posting it as a give-away to increase publicity. 

Today I attempted to make a rainbow cake, first let me describe the goal and vision I had created. 

The goal was a multi-layer rainbow coloured cake filled with skittles and covered in white frosting and decorated with crayons made from candy melts drizzling down the sides. 

Here's how it went... 

With great excitement I made the cake layers, used a new method that helped them cook flat and even so no need to trim and even them out #nice. Then while the last 2 baked I decided to start making those chocolate crayons. I was melting colored chocolate trying to fill straws with it and it was a mess. I mean turns out filling straws with chocolate is harder than expected. But I figured it out and found a way. It wasn't easy but rainbow coloured crayons here I come. After letting those sit in the freezer I decided it was high time to try and remove the chocolate from the straws. It wasn't quite as easy as I'd hoped, and with how hard it was to fill them I was hoping it would be a breeze, however it felt near impossible. Nevertheless we pressed on and got it done. Many crumbled chocolate "crayons" later.

Finally it was time to assemble the actual cake so I could be done for the night. 

I placed my purple cake layer followed by blue-orange which all had a hole cut out from the middle. At this point things were looking and feeling a little unstable so I decided to add some support, in the form of plastic straws in through the layers. I figured that would work so okay that's done this is gonna be fine. I filled the middle of the cake, family size bag of skittles #tastetherainbow later, and I added the top red layer. 

Suddenly I noticed a crack in the front so I grabbed it to try and I'm holding it together. Next thing I know the red layer is starting to sink in the back and there's another crack at this point a skittle or 2 have begun to escape. I'm begining to panic, so I grab the cake the only way I can to hold its buldging masses together. So there I am hugging this cake trying to think of what to do next when suddenly the skittles cascade out everywhere there's cake on the floor on me and all that's left standing is 4 plastic straws. *dum-dum-dum*

Did I cry and walk away? Oh no, instead I grab a huge plastic bowl and start scooping cake and frosting and skittles into it. Desperately trying to save whatever I can, it's a sticky mess! I mean the cake is mushed and crumbled and I think to myself, "these will be awesome cake pops" and in my frenzied state I just go to town mushing all the no crumbled cake together into one mess. Right about now my father sitting on the couch near by perks up and says, "What's going on in there?" So now he knows what's happened and respond the only rational way I know how: flee the crime scene and leave the country. (Actually unjust went to walmart... same thing basically.)

Now here I am 2 hours later writing out my failure in all its glory. And ill admit it, yes it was funny. It felt like I was on an episode of Nailed It. Never have I felt so close to complete strangers who fail on live T.V. then in this moment as my cake imploded and exploded at the same time. To be honest rarely have I had such an epic fail during one of my bakes. But I'm sure one day, after my death, I think it'll quite amusing to watch a frenzied girl try to hug a cake as determined skittles make their escape into the unknown. 

admitting my problem

Okay y'all I'm depressed. Not like clinically... not on medication for it. But I have a bad case of "blue Christmas" without a doubt. How do I know this? Well....

I am sleeping a lot, I'm like always tried right now. And yes it can be health related also. I'm not motivated to do anything other than lay around in my pjs. Speaking of, I'm not getting dressed or "ready" for my day. I'm so sad and dissatisfied with my life right now. Even in happy moments it's only surface happy, you know? Like I show it but I don't really feel it. I'm sure it's related to the holiday season. 

This is a weird Christmas for me and my family. My sibblings aren't coming home so it's just kinda me and my folks. And it makes me sad and oh the lonely feeling right now. Then there's the whole end of year thing. You ever just feel 'blah' about the past year? Like what have I even done this year?

So basically I think this is very much situational depressed feelings... But they suck and I'm just trying to process so if it's all I write about for the next little bit now you know why. 

I wanted to try and end in a positive spin, yesterday I had a huge emotional breakdown. I was overwhelmed and we has some issues at home and it just became too much. And of course this happened right as my YSA group were all coming over. So needless to say I wasn't in the best place. When I finally went down to join the group I just want really feeling it. But I was doing my best... sorta. I was asked to give the closing prayer at the end and it became pretty obvious to everyone that I wasn't quite in the best place. So then a few sweet and wonderful things happened. 1st one of the guys (who is NOT) a hugger asked me what was up and then after fixing something's he gave me a hug before he left. It was such a huge moment, it really showed he cared. 2nd another of the guys, after we visited about some of what was going on, he offered some encouragement and then gave me one of his rocks! He'd brought them to show people and I'd mentioned I liked one. So he gave it to me! Honestly those are just a few examples, if you're struggling it's so important to surround yourself with people who love you. Everyone needs love and support and having good friends and family can help lighten your load. 

Hang in there friends! No matter what's going on right now, you can handle it. You're not alone! Try to see the good! 

Curable writing exercise 1

Discussing stress!

Make a list of moments of high stress experiences (often beyond your control) you wouldn't want another to face;

CHILDHOOD:

•bullying

•sibbling with mental health struggles

•death of a grandparent at a young age

•over focusing on weight at a young age

•better management of anger

•being more honest

ADULTHOOD:

•mission

•bullying/inability to stand up for self

•untreated/undiagnosed illness

•chronic illness diagnosis 

☆daily pain

☆loneliness 

•depression/anxiety

☆sibblings with mental health struggles  

Now list any self impossed pressures that can increase your stress:

•☆perfectionism/ high expectations 

•self doubt

•impatience with self

•people pleasing at own expense 

•bottling emotions

☆fear of vulnerability

•low self-esteem 

Read through the list paying attention to your body. Mark the ones that cause the highest physiological and emotional responses, we'll use them in later writing.