How is it July?! What I read in the month of June

No clever intro- it is late (becuase I am a granny and anything after 9pm is late) and I just want to cross this off my to-do list! (Gotta get that dopamine hit)

More than the Tatooed Mormon

It's a nice book. Al seems like a genuin person who absolutely loves the Lord and every choice, every actions, even down to the words she wrote reflect that.

However, there were definitely elements of this book that didn’t connect with me (perhaps because I read it over a few sittings). The repeated preaching vibes "don't quit" "God loves *you*" etc felt at times a bit heavy handed. But truly, towards the end, I thought man if someone reads a single page of this book, they would get a proper testimony punch to the face, and maybe that was her intention all along. Overall though for me, it just wasn't what I was looking for. And I don't I'll read any of her other books. Also I don't plan to keep the ones I was gifted, so if anyone wants it let me know haha. 

My life with Chimpanzees

Jane Goodall never really got into her growing up. I knew of her but I definitely grew up in a conservative household (how the vast majority of my parents Children ended up swaying more to the left is truly beyond me) so she wasnt exactly someone my parents would've spoken of often. I mean- they felt like Wall-E and the Lorax were a bit to "woke propaganda" for us children. 

That said when her books popped up on my Spotify I thought sure why not. And I love every moment of it. Jane's voice both vocally and narrative-ly while reading is like listening to your grandma tell you incredible stories from her life and at the same time reasure you that you are exactly who you are meant to be and that's enough. Overall I think this would be the best book to introduce you to Jane, her work, her beliefs, her mission. Definitely could be read to/with children to increase their interest in the world around them! 

A midsummer nights dream: fully dramatized audio addition 

Since midsummer was in June my sister suggested we read/listen to this audio book. I actually will be seeing this play performed this weekend so I was definitely on board thus the adventure of midsummer began. Truthfully read the sparknotes summary of this play and then go see it performed. It will be way more fun, make more sense and overall be a better experience. That said it was a good listen being familar with it I followed the story easily and was amused by all the hijinks and mixup that occure. Puck is both the worst and the best and listening to Helen lose her mind because she's too undesirable to be sought after by one man let alone two is wildly relatable lol. 

The Book of Hope: a survival guide for trying times 

I love this book! It has touched me in a way a book hasn't in a long time. Check out my goodreads review for this book here. 

The final thought I'll add here that I did add to my Goodreads is that I felt so inspired and so compelled by this book that I found myself wanting to do something. But instead of feeling overwhelmed or like my efforts wouldn't make a difference Jane's quote "Concentrate on the things you can do and on doing them well." Became my solution. So what am I doing? I have stopped using disposable silverware at work. It might seem insignificant or like I could do more but its something and I feel good doing it!

Cinder

A perfect blend of fairytale and sci-fi adventure!! It tells the story of Cinderella, but instead of rags, you have cybernetic bodyparts, and instead of household chores (she doesn't do those too to he fair) you have a mechanics workshop, and instead of helpful delightful mice you have a sparky, snarky and generally delightful android. Oh, and *spoiler* instead of losing a slipper, we lose the whole foot. 

I love the world Marissa has created! It's technologically advanced without feeling to fake, and none of the technology falls into being too fancy and modern to be hard to understand. I love the way Marissa adjusts the classic fairytale to fit her adventure while still creating something that feels new and fresh on every page. Truth be told I have loved this series forever, and this was a reread for me, but it was 100% worth it.

 

Scarlet

It's long held that this book is my least favorite of the series but only barely. To be honest, I saw fewer flaws in this reread than before. 

I think ultimately, the biggest struggle I have with this book is that Cinder ends with some drama- lots of questions and with everyone ready for an epic quest. But instead of jumping right into adventure and excitement, we get a very reasonable paced world building novel that creates meaning to the universe and the stakes in play while also rounding out some of our main cast. 

It's not that it's bad. It's just compared to all the other stories in the series its pale in comparison.  

That being said, it masterfully tells the tale of Little red riding hood with a big bad wolf who isn't so bad and an enemies to lovers trope that is hard not to enjoy. We also meet one of my favorite characters, Captain Thorne, who, despite his antics, is a loveable goofball and quickly becomes comic relief to Cinder's ongoing angst. (We will never forgive my sister for her instance that he reads like a 40 year old man- truly how dare she). The book ends sorta where it began nothing much has changed but also a lot has changed, not much has happened outwardly but Cinder is finally finally ready to do something about Levana- she just needs to figure out how. 

Cress

Oh, Cress! I still hold you very near the top of my favorite list. Rapunzel (none other than Cress herself) gets a haircut and turns out to be a master hacker who lands herself and Captain Thorne in the Sahara desert where hilarity ensues because Cress is naive and definitely head-over-heals in love with Thorne. This book has some of the best laugh out loud scenes and second-hand giggling embarsement, and I love every second of it. 

While Cress and Thorne are trying to survive, Cinder begins to adapt to her new purpose as a revolutionary. Anoying brooding lunar guard in toe. Don't worry, all our familiar favorites return and one of them even gets a makeover (details are a spoiler tho so read it and find out!), and it ends with an epic heist and a rooftop kiss that is 100% swoon worthy. The stage is set for the final book. The question is, will it live up to the expectations? *spoiler, the answer? 1000%, yes!*

Fairest 

We interrupt our finale with a brief interlude into the twisted life and mind of the Evil Queen Levana. 

Whew, boy! This book does not disappoint! Fear not, there is no "she's just misunderstood" or "not actually evil at all" moment. She's definitely the villain, and every choice takes her farther and father down a road of destruction. The thing that is so masterful, though, is you find yourself rooting for her, wanting her to be happy and to have things end okay because there is room for pity along side the horro for this evil queen. Yet even as you feel like she deserves better, you look at her choices and think, "YIKES! What am I thinking?!?"  

I consider this a must-read before Winter. Not only does it explain Levana and how we got to where we are in the Cinder based narrative, but it also builds the world of Luna and gives insight into the adventure awaiting in our final installment. 

Winter 

I had over 400 pages to read after I got off work at 4:15pm June 30th and I am proud to say that at 8:20ish I finished. (Why? Becuase it's the final day of June, and I was not going to have to add this one to my July reading post over June also, I might be a bit crazy). Fun side note I enjoyed not one but two slices of lemon cake while reading which is rather fitting if you know what I mean.  

I could sing the praises of this book for hours and days and months. To be honest, I have for years! I consider this one of the best finale books ever written. Often, authors build the expectations for a final battle or final adventure only for it to miss the mark and fall a little flat on the landing. Winter doesn't disappoint!! 

Cinder and crew make it to Luna, and from there, it is non-stop struggle to get to the happily ever after moment. However while we trapse through the revolution of an entire nation we also navigate the story of Snow White (now Winter) and her loyal guard (you remeber the mildly annoying brooding one from Cress? Yup he's back) and although there are moments between them I enjoy there is also a lot about their relationship that just isn't my favorite.

I am however glad to report that Cress and Thorne continue to be the lights of my life and truly Thorne's character development is *chefs kiss*. Every character fights and sacrifices, and no one walks always unscathed, but in true fairytale fashion we all make it to their happily ever after moment. 

Truly, Marissa does an excellent job wrapping up the loose ends and finishing the story in a way that feels satisfying while also allowing those who feel the need to add their own additions for their much loved characters.

My sister and I read several of these books together and if you want reviews based on the plot not just vibes I would recommend you check her post here 

Strawberry top syrup

I use a lot of strawberries in my baking, and for a long time I've wanted to waste less. So I discovered you could make strawberry syrup from just the tops of the strawberries that are often tossed. 

So, despite being anything but a food/recipe blogger here I am to share my "recipe". 

Step one: get a large pot and add in all the strawberry tops (I typically freeze mine and collect them so I can make a big batch all at once).

Then add enough water to just barely cover them. 

Then bring the tops and water to a gentle boil (maybe a simmer idk). Cook for 10-15 minutes. While cooking,g I mash the tops against the sides of the pot to try and break them down more. 

After cooking, the berry tops will have lost color, but the smell will be strong of strawberries. 

Step two: it's time to strain! 

I use a large glass container that also measures the liquid contents. While straining mash the tops to squish out all the juices, then set aside to toss or compost. 

Step 3: Measure the liquid; you will use that measurement for the sugar to add. My liquid measured about 5 1/2 C. So that's how much sugar I used. 

Add all the sugar and strawberry liquid back into the pot (I don't rinse the pot. I just make sure there aren't any leaves or anything left behind in the pot). 

The liquid will look more glossy with the sugar you are gonna bring this to a gentle boil (if you have a thermometer somewhere around 200°f and 215°f) and cook 10-15 minutes. I usually ditch the whisk at this point (it just adds more bubbles to the syrup) in favor of a good rubber spatula. 

Once the time is reached, you want to remove the pot from the heat. At this point, you're done! You can package it however you choose- I went ahead and canned mine with a steam bath. 

I got four pints worth of syrup.

Once opened, it does have to be refrigerated and is good for several months (if it lasts that long). 

Now you have your syrup! Go forth and use in all the ways! Here are some ideas:

•Mix with water and lemon juice to make strawberry lemonade

•Use in tea or mocktails 

•Delicious on pancakes or waffles

•On top of ice cream or drizzled over other desserts. 

Fathers day grief

There was a time I was incredibly spoiled with the comfort of feeling not much of anything on fathers day. It was a day and if I got to show a little extra TLC and kindness to my Dad that was great. 

But time and choices have changed a lot of things. Now I spend my fathers day baking pies for my church family and then driving home from church early- often in tears becuase of all the grief.

I think most people can understand the feelings of grief around fathers day. Those who have fathers that died or live far away. But there's also a grief in not having a close relationship to a father. Grief in how a fathers choices has caused hurt that hasn't healed. Grief in what was but isn't anymore. Grief that the rose colored glasses are gone and you can no longer excuse things. Grief as you see loving fathers interacting with their children and feel this pang of longing. 

In my case there's also a sense of guilt. That somehow I'm wrong or bad or the problem for not "forgiving" or "moving on". The truth is I have a great deal of compassion and pity for my father. I can see and acknowledge his hurts and the issues of his family and how incredibly unfair that was for him. But the problem is that all the hurt he's caused and taken little accountability for has made excusing his behavior near impossible. Yet still that voice taunts and judges that I am wrong and selfish and cruel to still feel this way to still struggle not to be angry at his actions and to still be hurt by his choices. 

The truth is I don't hate my father. If I did I think many of my feelings would be much more manageable. I do love him and I want more than anything to have a loving healthy relationship with him. But I'm not sure I believe that will ever happen, at least not in this life. So here I sit... sad and alone in a pew feeling my feelings and wishing today was already over. 

May Reading recap

Several books this month, how is it I am always surprised by how many I've read?! Also look at me posting despite it being late in the month haha big thanks to my sister for being persistent and bothering me until I got it done lol. Also my brain feels a little mush at the moment- life continues to life and this month (June) is proving to be incredibly busy and a little hectic. So this post will be what it will be- and that's gonna have to be enough. 

Book 1: Tuesdays with Morrie

I wrote a rather well worded review of this book via goodreads. It does however benefit from being on the goodreads to fully understand my remarks. So feel free to go check that review out here. 

Book 2: Three Against Hitler

I am a world war two junkie and I am not in recovery. Currently I am enjoying a History channel podcast hosted by Tom Hanks breaking down WWII and it is incredible! For the WWII junkie in your life I highly reccomend. All that to say when I was visiting my parents last month and happened upon not 1 but 2 world war two era books that I hadn't read I obviously had to bring them home. 

Three Against Hitler is excelent! It tells the story of Helmuth Hübner, Karl Schnibbe and Rudi Wobbe. It was written based mainly on the experience of Rudi Wobbe and I believe he co-authored it (but I could be wrong). I knew of Helmuth Hübner because of my religious history class growing up and becuase more recently there was a movie made about his remarkable yet painfully short life. 

This story tells the horrors of life in Germany during the Nazi regime that fact that even "good" people were bamboozled. And that a courageous 15 year old boy saw the truth and was willing to risk everything to share it. However, it doesnt end with the tragic end of Helmuth. Because Karl and Rudi have years of imprisonment before returning to a Germany that was broken and needing to find healing for their country and themselves. I highly reccomend this book and if I can get my hands on it I'll definitely be watching the movie. 

Book 3: Sense & Sensibililty 

Though a bit longer, slower, and perhaps more tedious at times than the more popular of her books, this was quite a joy for me to read. I have found myself to be quite the Jane Austen fan, and I won't apologize for her books being just the right escapism. 

Sense and Sensibililty tells the story of two sisters as different as fire and ice (or are they?). Truly, the difference between them and their circumstances comes down fully to their choices in how to respond. Eleanor (the eldest) responds with sense: she feels deeply the loss of her attachment to Edward, but her sense keeps her behavior civil and reserved to all involved parties. While inwardly, she finds solace in Edward's goodness and attempts to ease the ache in a desire for his happiness. 

Marianne (the middle child) responds with sensibility, passion for those who aren't quite sure what Austen is talking about, always but especially to the jilting of Willoughby. She must feel her feelings in every sense of words, and if she must, then so must everyone around her. No happiness can be felt, no attention can be given, and no distraction is allowed. Only suffering and sadness to show the depth of sorrow at the loss. It's giving "Disney princess throwing herself onto her bed to cry" vibes. 

Despite their respective reactions (and the debate on which is right and if either is right at all), it all ends rather happily for everyone. 

Edward is released from his long-time engagement to Lucy. * Side note: no adaptation has ever satisfied my desire to understand how on earth Lucy ends up married to Robert over Edward. The book explains it... mostly, though I find it most likely to have been Lucy seeking a more advantageous match over actually loving Robert, but as we never see her perspective, who can say.* And thus freed he immediately runs to Eleanor and begs both her forgiveness and her hand in marriages. Both he receives and he even is able to find reconciliation with his family. Eleanor and Edward live happily ever after. 

Marianne avoids death and decides to improve herself and, from then on, gives much more to sense over sensibility. Willoughby ends married, not unhappy but forever limited in his happiness by both his actions and consequences. Marianne marries Colonel Brandon and is both finically well off and quite happy in her choices. *Side note #2: another element of all adaptations that always blew my mind was that within months (weeks) of her near death, Marianne is engaged to Brandon even before Eleanor has found her happiness with Edward. I always found this simply another example of Marianne's sensibility that she would run wildly in the opposite direction following her first failed attempt at a relationship. However, the book rights all and Marianne takes a full two years before she weds Colonel Brandon. Granted, the time passes in sentences. I still appreciate the sentiment that Marianne takes some time and is fully intentional about her choice.* 

As I said, all is well that ends well. Everyone deserving finds happiness, and those undeserving get more than they deserve. Truly Jane Austens books are a slice of cozy escapism where the biggest concern is writing letters to someone you aren't engaged to. It is exactly what I needed, and I am so ready for the next adventure Austen has for me.

Book 4: Night

My second WW2 read for this month. I read this book in a single day- as it is quite short that wasnt much of a feat. However, this book is perhaps one of the hardest I have read. It tells the story of a teenage Jewish boy we ends up in a concentration camp with his family, though separated from his mother and sisters he remains with his father throughout the entire horrific ordeal. The story is haunting and heartbreaking. Reading how a boy walks into hell on earth and looses everything- his family, his freedom, his health and even his belief in God. I cannot speak to that choice specifically but it certainly gets one to think introspectively. I would not recommend this book if you are looking for cozy escape or encouragement or any form of hope. But it is a powerful read for all. 

Book 5: The Princess and the Goblin

A children's book that is unsurprisingly better as a movie than the book. It tells the sweet and simple story of a young princess, horrible goblins and a young miner boy. I do think the author struggled to write accurate children- Irene was meant to be 8 but was treated and acted like a 4 or 5 year old most of the time. Until she suddenly had the wisdom of full grown adults. Curdie wasnt much better, he was meant to be 12 but acted like a full blown adult until he had the tantrum of a toddler. Obviously its a children's book so as I am not the target market I won't judge it to harshly. Overall it was sweet and simple and I think would make a very nice book to read as a bedtime story over several nights. 

Book 6: Just Stab me Now

This book was 100% my cup of tea! I enjoyed it from top to bottom and bottom to top. I was one of the fans watching the author Jill as she made her little skits online and enjoying them immensely. However when her book originally got published my library didnt have it so I resigned myself to never read it and promptly forgot all about it. Fastward a few years and it shows up again and suddenly there are multiple format copies (including an audiobook) at my library. So it was clearly fate and I had to read this book ASAP. And I'm so glad it did!! 

I loved the humor of this book, I loved the nesting doll story telling and I loved the love story. I will always appreciate a good fade to black rom-com. This book gave cozy escapism and I was rooting for all the characters happiness. I think Robin was my favorite character his humor tickled my fancy everytime. Highly reccomend this book to any trope loving clean romance fan. 

As always go check out the review my sister wrote here, we only read a few books together in May but we are planning to cover a whole series in June so look forward to that. Xoxo 

April a month of reading, in review

I was certain that april would be my least read month. To my great surprise I managed 7 books in total (much higher than my believed maybe 3 haha). Lets waste no time and drive right in to tje reviews: 

Book 1: Handel's Messiah: comfort for God's people. 

Handel's Messiah is easily one of the most familar Easter musical pieces. My mother used to drive us to church while playing her CD copy of it. And honestly aside from the Hallelujah Chorus I don't (or rather didn't) remember much. This book was an excellent way to experience the music while also gaining a better understanding of how it all works together and why. I especially loved when they would play the musical pieces after explaining it to the audience. It was a quick read and a great way to gear up for Easter Sunday. 

Book 2: The Unlikely pilgrimage of Harold Fry. 

When choosing a movie for movie night with my sister the movie adaptation of this book showed up and I was intrigued. I quickly found the novel it was based on and decided it would be a good read for April. It was an enjoyable read!! A cozy yet moving story about humanity. I was able to see some twists coming yet that didn't take away from the power of the story. Harold as a character was touching and seeing him grow and struggle was moving. The understanding of how each person, each life, affects our own was beautifully illustrated. There were some elements that could be triggering to those with mental health struggles but overall the story was one of hope and healing. 

Book 3: Fearless and Free: a Memoir. 

Josephine Baker is an icon! She is incredible, and her life should be a whole miniseries! From the poverty in St Louis to the grand stage in Paris, sprinkle in a little espionage and Voilà!

Truly, Josephine inspired on the page, and her voice was beautiful to listen to. I do think elements of the book would've been better in audio form (she tells her story the way one would chat with a friend). 

Ultimately, this was a wonderful book, but now I want more!! I saw that one of her sons has written a biography, and I think I'll check that out this year, too!

Book 4: Pride and Prejudice

I listened to a podcast version of the book read by the incredible Julie Andrews and as expected she was brilliant 👏 I will forever sing her praises so definitely check out that podcast here. I highly reccomend! Now to the review. 

First, let me get this out of the way: Keira Knightly's film adaptation of this story is definitely my favorite. The 7 hour BBC version is wonderful (no one can argue with Colin Firth and his wet white shirt) but I think that Keira does such an excelent job of channeling Lizzie into someone the audience understands and connects with. I also love Darcy and how well he is portrayed by Mathew Macfayeden as the anxious and awkward soul he is. Enough about that let's get to the book!! Pride and Prejudice is the most classic of all romance for a reason!! The story is excellent girl and boy have initial class because of his pride compounded by her prejudice that leads to quite the kerfuffle when he reveals his unbearable love for her. He is obviously rebuffed and then follows the transformation not only of Darcy but also Lizzie as she learned how her prejudice and pride was also the problem. It's a delight in all forms and I am forever grateful for the literary genius of Jane Austen to have written such a story. 

Book 5: The Boys in the Cave: Deep inside the impossible rescue in Thailand. 

National Geographic made an excellent documentary about this story which I highly reccomend. That was how I originally heard about this true story. When this book popped up on my Spotify recommendations I was immediately intrigued. It was incredible! It went so much deeper into the resilience of the boys and how they managed to keep their spirits up during the ordeal. It also showed the struggles in communication between the Thai government and the volunteer rescue cave divers. I felt this book thoroughly told the story from all angles while still maintaining a narrative format. I highly reccomend I genuinly couldn't put it down! 

Book 6: Why we love (and hate) Twilight: the highs and lows of the Twilight Saga.

I 100% would reccomend this books for a good laugh! Read my full Goodreads review here. 

Book 7: Tress of the Emerald Sea. 

Oh Brandon Sanderson, how you haunt me. Haha truly he is an impressive author his sheer volume of books is a testament to that however one does wonder if he prioritizes quantity over quality with how his books land at times. This one came highly reccomended (as his books always do) and it was okay. Genuinely after I finished I was very mid on my opinion. It wasn't bad but it also wasn't the best. I wouldn't tell you not to read it but I wouldn't be out there reccomending it to everyone I meet. It was just... very mid for me. 

A few pros:

I enjoyed the world he created. The spore sea was very interesting and I enjoyed each new element of the spores. 

All of the characters were very likeable and I found myself rooting for their success. 

The story though a bit predictable was nevertheless enjoyable to watch unfold. 

A few cons:

The narrative style is... quirky. And took some getting used to. Was it my favorite? No I found myself needing to step away (especially at the beginning) for a break becuase it was just so quirky. 

The characters tho likeable are very one note. You learn very little about them and aside from the main girl there is no real character development. 

Each climactic moment fell flat. The obstacle would be built up as a huge 

challenge they would plan and prepare how to address it and then the plan would immediately fail only for a different solution to present itself and solve everything in minutes. 

As I said I was very mid on this book. Read it or don't I don't really think it matters. 

Check out my sister's substack for April to see her thoughts on all the books that overlapped in our reading as well as whatever Witchy or health book she added to the mix! 

Poetry

This month has been particularly windy where I'm at. I was discussing these windy days and all the things with my sister (the one from all the monthly reading posts) and she low-key bullied me into writing a poem. Figured I'd share it here as well. Though full disclosure- I'm not a poet. 

I'm not a poet. 

The wind calls... softly... deeply... quickly... 

A touch.... a breath. Not seen.... felt. 

I'm not a poet. 

The wind snuffs out the candle, it's coming... coming... coming. Whats coming?

The wind longs... It calls. Do you listen? Can you hear? 

I'm not a poet. 

The sky darkens. The wind blows. 

Hair across your face. Cloth flat against your skin. Forward, forward. Onward it whispers. 

I'm not a poet. 

A shiver. A shudder. A leaf carried away

Wind... breath in, breath out. It is  

There is no wind in space. But found in all of us. 

You dont have to be a "poet" to write poetry. 

March Reading Adventures

Greetings friends! Another month another bunch of books to recap. Let's not waste any time- buckle up, hang on and let's go! *I decided write this with the great British bake off on in the background, was I super distracted the entire time? absolutely haha. Needless to say mistakes were made so try to ignore any errors you find*

Book 1: Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Titans Curse. Throwing it out there the majority of females I have met began noticing the males of the world much earlier than 14/15 (think like... as early as 7 haha). Also a story where a sister abandons her brother for "family" really rubs me the wrong way and yet when reading it as a child it certainly wasnt something I focused on. Perhaps I was more interested in the idea of being an immortal gorgeous female warrior haha. My how age changes you ;) 

Book 2: Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Battle of the Labyrinth. Teenage angst is the theme of this book. Steps for proper teenage angst are as follows: 1. Don't communicate. 2. Take everything personally. 3. Always overreact to everything. Love how every teenage book series has a book that is a practice in teenage angst. On a side note (love when the actual plot is a side note) the tale of the Labyrinth and Daedalus wonderfully told with just enough twists and turns to keep you guessing. It also mentioned the myth of Icarus who was the son of Daedalus. Shout to Anna Miriam Brown for writing the most gorgeous song about this myth. You're welcome. 

Book 3: Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Last Olympian. Ahh the finale of this saga- is it an adventure? Yes. Are there unexpected twists and turns? Yeah. Is it the best written finale to a boon serieis? No, but that's a hard feat to reach. Does is annoyingly set up another series instead of committing to the ending? Yup. But there you go. Overall I think it ends the series well and thankfully if you choose not to continue the story in the sequel series it stands alone without issue. 

Book 4: Everything is Turberculosis. I wrote a rather decent review on goodreads after completing this book. So I'll just link that here and ask you to go check that out (: 

Book 5: Togo and Leonhard. Maybe your familiar with the 1995 Disney movie Balto or maybe you got lucky and watched the 2019 Disney movie Togo (which Disney removed from Disney+ randomly and since then the movie has quite literally ceased to exist). This book tells the story of Leonard Seppala, renowned sled dog musher, sled dog breeder and trainer, and his most prized lead dog Togo. Most famously they participated in the  1925 serum run to bring the diptheria antitoxin from Nenana to Nome. The book tells the story of Togo little known and semi controversial hero of the serum run. It was a wonderfully simple read with the writing being appropriate for early readers as well. 

Book 6: The Hobbit. To be specific I read an illustrated version of this book and I do think that the illustrations throughout the book helped move the story along at a nice pace. And there is truly something to say to reading as an adult vs a youth haha. I remember the story being much more boring but when I am wrong I will admit it. I was wrong! This book is a delight. There is something cozy about the adventure and there is something about the characters that just feel right. 

Book 7: My Lucky Life in and out of Show Business. Dick Van Dyke is an icon he is the grandpa to us all and I love him. The day he leaves this earth will be a dark day indeed. 100% listen to the audio book because listening to Dick Van Dyke heals the ailments of the soul. However, if you are looking at a hard-hitting story about the horrors of Hollywood or a deeply emotional piece about trials and tribulations (many of our own creations), you won't find that in this book. Dick Van-Dyke tells his life they way he lived it with a lot of lighthearted humor and joy. Does this methodology limit the emotional effect of his struggles (his affair or his struggle with alcoholism for example) maybe, but in some ways, I felt it simply showed us that the man we grew up watching in movies and on television was the real him.

Book 8: Project Hail Mary. If you were to ask me what my favorite book is 9/10 I will say this book. Andy Weir has stolen my heart with his solo character, sci-fi stories. And the magic of this book is beyond words! Ryland Grace is an unexpected science teacher turned astronaut turned hero. Despite the novel being set up as the tale of a single human trying to save earth they balance the narrative with flashbacks that explain the science and introduce us to a host of delightful characters from Russian bomb *whoops* engine making Dimitri to embezzler Bob to optimistic Canadian Steve Hatch you will find one to adore if space spiders aren't really your vibe. Speaking of the solo suicide mission turns into a bro-mance of the century when we meet Rocky space faring engineer set to steal every scene and all our hearts. I won't spoil anything else but I will say READ THIS BOOK! Actually listen to it becuase there's some auditory elements that translate much better off the page. (I do plan to write a blog post discussing the recent film adaptation of this book, for now I will simply say it was good and 100% worth the watch). 

Not quite as many books this month as last but still a fair few. As usual my brilliant and talented sister has written her own March recap and I would highly reccomend checking that out here

February 2026 reading reflections

During the month of February I read an astonishing number of books, especially considering there are only 28 days. TEN *gasp* books to be exact, which again is a lot. So let's recap (forgive my lack of memory I am getting over being sick... and there are so many books on this list and I'm already tired... my goodness... but I will do my level best). Here we go! 

Book 1: Chronicles of Narnia: the Silver Chair. The main children character in this book left much to be desired. All they did was bicker and complain about their adventure. Puddleglum was the only redeeming character in this entire book. And his rather pessimistic outlook on the world was much how I felt reading this book haha. 

Book 2: Chronicles of Narnia: The Horse and His Boy. Not much to report the horses talk, the children bicker, Aslan behaves in ways that make sense only in hindsight. Truly a typical Narnia book. I do think this one is one of the betters in the series and I enjoyed seeing Edmund and Susan if only briefly. Plus I love a good twins separated a birth plot line. 

Book 3: Chronicles of Narnia: the Magicians Nephew. I actually mostly enjoyed this one. Though I had to laught about how he felt the need to explain ALL the things (like the lamp post for example- I mean why give us a reason its a magical world of course there's a magical lamp post we didn't ask). Genuinly it felt like he was trying to weave everything just right so the final book would actually land and not tumble down hill cartoon styles (imagine giant snowball). I am curious what Netflix is gonna do with the story in their upcoming adaptation though. 

Book 4: Chronicles of Narnia: the Last Battle. Ick. My least favorite by far. Despite bringing back characters that I genuinely like (Edmund, Reepicheep, DLF) they had no baring on the story at all. I also felt annoyed by his writing Susan out of the story and I know there has been much said on the topic but my opinion? (hot take brace yourself) He was just being lazy he'd written 8 kings and queens and 7 is a much more religiously significant number so he had to toss one and Susan was the easiest to write off as she was supposed to be off in America and such. Genuinely from her perspective the whole story would be a nightmare. Your entire family is killed in a violent train accident and you are left behind to carry that grief alone? Yikes man, lighten up! This is a kids book. Wouldn't read again but at least I can say I've read it. 

Book 5 : Lost Moon: The Perilous Voyage of Apollo 13. The first of 3 books I read (listened to actually) that inspired movies. Space is cool. This book is cool. The movie about this book is wayyy cool! I loved how indepth this book was about all the individuals and teams that came together to use their brain power to solve the problems and bring the Astronauts home. I found the story engaging and I was on the edge of my seat for entire chapters as we grappled with one crisis after another. Truth be told we probably never would've known Jim Lovel if his space craft hadn't crapped out and we wouldn't still be talking about him if the incredible men and women who worked at NASA and its affiliates didn't do their job well in handling the crisis as they came. I'm so excited that NASA is looking at the Moon again and I am waiting with baited breath to hear the story of another Astronaut that has made the astonishing trip there and back again! (Lets cross our fingers that the April launch date is successful!!)

Book 6: The Rocket Boys. An excellent and relatively short read. It was well written and the pacing was good. Some elements felt odd to include (like his attempt at a "love-life") and others were crushingly sad (like his fathers disinterest and open lack of pride in him, his mother chewing him out for being selfish during the mine accident and his depression after the loss of his friend and mentor being written off as being "bad" and needing to focus on what really matters.). Frankly I'll be completely honest I think the movie October Sky did a good enough job telling the story that you could very well leave it at that and be more that satisfied. 

Book 7: The Burnout. This was a recommendation from my therapist actually (no not as a self help book just as a amusing read). Let me say I was humbled by the fact that I have not read smut until this moment. 🫣 yikes! Haha it was still incredibly tame I know but still. I wrote a pretty decent Goodreads review for this one, which I'll link here. And leave it at that. 

Book 8: Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightening Thief. I convinced my sister that we should complete our YA trifecta by reading pjo this month *spoiler we didn't finish the series as we had planned*. This is a solid book! It was a fun read and rather quick. I have fond memories of reading this one following being gifted it as a birthday present. I do think Greek God's are a bit more in style nowadays what with Epic the Musical (which if you haven't listened to it shame on you, your family and your cows go do that righ now!) out and about in the world so it was fun to have that in the back of my mind while reading. 

Book 9: Percy Jackson and the Olympians: Sea of Monsters. A rush read trying to finish before March 1st. I thought it was funny how much world building is thrown into the beginning (things that probably couldve been in the 1st one- like the names of other campers and such). But the ongoing character development is enjoyable and the story moves at a quick pace. Genuinely I got sick right as I was finishing this book so some thoughts and reflections are a bit blurry. 

Book 10: The Boys in the Boat: Nine Americans and Their Epic Quest for Gold at the 1936 Berlin Olympics. The final book of the month! This book tells the inspiring story of tje Washington rowing crew and their efforts to win Gold at the 1936 Olympics. It paints a powerful (and often painful) picture of the depression, and the hurt that it caused so many families. As well as discussing Germany, the Nazis and how even the Olympic Games became part of their propaganda efforts. Throughout the book you learn about the individuals who rowed the boat and the lives that led them there, you learn some elements of the sport of rowing (which in and of itself was fascinating), and you see play out clearly all these boys had to overcome to accomplish their dreams. I listened to the final chapters of this book while on my sick bed which was fitting and gave the courage and perseverance of Don Hume the stoke for the Husky Clipper during that final race a whole new level of meaning! In the immortal words of Lary from Veggie Tales: "I laughed, I cried, it moved me, Bob." This excellent book was made into a pretty good movie but ultimately the movie barely scratched the surface of the story (for good reason the book is nearly 18 hours of audio content and the movie is under 3). Watch the movie to dip your toes in and then make the right choice and listen to the audio book. You won't regret it!! 

Enjoy my sister's substack if you want her perspective on our joint reads and to sneak a peak at what other books she got through this month. 

January 2026 reading review

Another big'ol goal I had for 2026 is to read a significant (yet undisclosed tho arbitrarily 26 via my goodreads) amount of books. I will attempt to include any audio books I successfully finish (full disclosure I do have a nasty tendency of not actually completing those... oops). 

In Jauary  I read a total of 4 books; let's have a little review and discuss, shall we?

Book the 1st: The Blonde Who Came in From the Cold. A sequel to a book I read (last year or maybe the year before) by an author that I read faithfully as a teenager. Now I will not lie this book is in no uncertain terms smut gasp! *or smut as far as I am willing to read, and therefore not actually smut*. Like my tolerance for spicy food my tolerance to spice in books is next to nothing haha. Was it a quick read? Yes! Did it check all the delicious tropes that we love in a good popcorn rom-com? Yes! Was it as good as the first? I don't think so (truth be told I don't remember). However, this sequel is really happening more before/during and sorta kinda after the events of the first so not remembering much of that book didn't really help. Either way if you like tropes, enjoy a spy story and want some smut I'd definitely recommend this one. 

Since my sister is currently solo styling through life we have been actively reading books in tandem. We decided at the end last year that we'd begin 2026 by reading the entire chronicles of Narnia series. Much debate ensued about the order in which to read them. The debate being whether to read them in release date order or narrative chronological order. I pushed for the release date order becuase I felt it would give a more true experience (I won the debate incase you are wondering.)

Book the 2nd: Chronicles of Narnia: the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. Technically the second in the series but the one that most people are familiar with (and for good reason). It holds up as a wonderful stand alone story... and I don't have much else to say about it. The characters behave the way you expect them to and the story is pretty much the same as what you've seen in the movie. The main difference being the book fleshes out Edmond's behaviors and the reasons behind them and the movie builds up the "epic" battles. 

Book the 3rd: Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian. If you think the walking found in the Hobbit is annoying you are gonna just luve this book. Haha. Mostly the characters are confused and walk around... a lot, sometimes they even walk around confused. Then there's a single sorta fight and ta-da book over, the end. Favorite part? The absolute drama of Reepicheep loosing his tail and the reaction of all his little mouse buddies. The movie does a good job telling the story (legit tears everytime the Minature character holds open the gate to allow the Narnia's to escape- obvi not in the book) and giving us something to watch other than children walking. 

Book the 4th: Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader. Eustace sucks, but also the argument could be made that he was definitely kidnapped so maybe he's allowed to suck. This story is enjoyable for a few reason: first Reepicheep reappears and continues to be the most extra. Second the tiny island mini quests where we discover new creates and have new teeny tiny adventures (with invisible mini mushroom people and even a dragon showing up). Is there a third reason? Maybe but aside from those mini quests they really spend the remainder of the time on a boat (not walking though so that's a plus I guess). 

Now, my reviews probably have encouraged no one to read any of these books. That wasn't the goal tho (except for the first one- go forth and read that smut, ladies, gents and anyone else interested in such things.) However, for a more accurate review that might actually lead to reading the books mentioned I'd 100% reccomending my sister's Substack about her January reads.  

Perfecting the Croissant

Happy 2026! A goal for this year is that I bake for myself (i.e. not to fill an order) every month. I decided to add a little spice to this goal by coming up with some recipes that I want to *perfect* the first being Croissants! Fun fact several years ago now I used to work in a french bakery/coffee shop and made Croissants every single day! Truthfully when I left that job I think my Croissants were practically perfect but it's been years haha so we'll see. 

Attempt #1 

Alright so I figure there are 4 areas that mater when perfecting Croissants. Recipe, lamination, proving and baking. 

Recipe: Thankfully I still have a tried and true recipe to work with. I know it's a good recipe!! I also have a pretty good hand on kneading and what the dough should be like. 

Next time gonna use the same recipe. No notes. 

Lamination: around the same time I was working in the bakery my brother got me a French baking Bible (no joke you should see how large this book is haha). It goes through the techniques of Lamination as well as giving some tips so we went with that. The biggest change was after the initail prove you roll the dough to the size needed to fully encase the butter and then you pop that dough into the freezer (I know unexpected but logically makes sense.) Then the folding for lamination happens as you'd expect. With a final fridge rest before rolling for cutting. 

Cutting went well and and rolling was honestly a dream. *See photo 1*

Next time I plan to do things pretty much the same. Maybe make the rolls a little wider for rolling. 

Proving:

Okay intial proving went well, dough doubled and rolled well. I think that one was a 10/10. The 2nd prove not so much. Per the baking Bible I was told to prove with warm water in the oven for 2 hours. I proved... not that long and definitely at to high a heat. 

Next time I will heat my oven for proving while rolling THEN turn it off prior to putting in the dough. I will still use the water at the base to maintain moisture. And I'll probably egg wash prior as per instructions. 

Baking: 

Once fully rolled and improperly proved I had 2 pans on rolls. I (in my rush) baked them together at 350°f it took over 20 minutes and they still didn't have even coloring. The butter leakage was... a lot haha but thats alright lol

Next time I will bake both pans separately. I will start at a higher temperature maybe 375-400°f for the initial few minutes before lowering for the remainder. 

Final thoughts: 

Per the photos attached *photo 2 & 3* I  think overall the recipe and lamination were practically perfect. I'll work on the proving and baking and next time we'll knock this right out of the park! 

Christmas Movie ranking

Per my sister's request, this post will be my official ranking of this year's Christmas Movies. Every year, I watch a fair amount (one might say more than my fair share) of Christmas movies. I definitely have some yearly favorites and a few that have followed me from childhood. Today, sorta jokingly, I went through the movies I've watched so far and ranked them for my sister- she begged me to make this ranking an ongoing thing and to post it to my blog. So here I am, no one can say I don't listen to my big sister. 

However, I am going to simply post this and update it each time I watch a new movie (lol remember when I said I'd update it as I went along haha so funny, past me likes her little jokes) so by the end of the season we will have a grand list of all the movies I've watched (and boy is it a lot haha). 

Christmas Prince 

Rewatchability 5/10

Couple 6/10

Music n/a

Storyline 4/10

Princess Switch 

Rewatchability 5/10

Couple 5/10

Music n/a

Storyline 3/10

Christmas Drop 

Rewatchability 7/10

Couple 6/10

Music n/a

Storyline 6/10

Something from Tiffany's 

Rewatchability 10/10

Couple 8/10

Music n/a

Storyline 8/10

12 Dates of Christmas

Rewatchability 10/10

Couple 7/10

Music n/a

Storyline 7/10

Merry Gentlemen 

Rewatchability 7/10

Couple 5/10

Music n/a

Storyline 4/10

Last Christmas 

Rewatchability 10/10

Couple 8/10

Music n/a

Storyline 9/10

Barbie Nutcracker

Rewatchability 10/10

Couple 5/10

Music 8/10

Storyline 

Ghosting the Spirit of Christmas  

Rewatchability 2/10

Couple 3/10

Music n/a

Storyline 2/10

Santa Claus is Coming to Town 

Rewatchability 9/10

Couple 6/10

Music 7/10

Storyline 8/10

Happiest season

Rewatchability 7/10

Couple 4/10 *Kristen's character definitely should've gotten with Riley, she deserved WAYYY better

Music n/a

Storyline 7/10

Barbie Christmas Carol 

Rewatchability 4/10

Couple n/a

Music 4/10 

Storyline 6/10

Winnie the Pooh and Christmas Too 

Rewatchability 5/10

Couple n/a

Music n/a

Storyline 7/10

Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas 

Rewatchability 6/10

Couple 3/10 *only given the 3 because we all know how it actually ends 

Music 8/10

Storyline 6/10

A sudden case of Christmas 

Bonus points for Danny Devito +100,000 

Rewatchability 7/10

Couple 3/10

Music n/a

Storyline 6/10

Jim Carry The Grinch 

Bonus points for the quoteability of this movie +15

Rewatchability 10/10

Couple 1/10 *sorry Martha but Grinch can do better 

Music 10/10

Storyline 10/10 

Nightmare Before Christmas 

Rewatchability 10/10

Couple 3/10 *sorry Jack and Sally stans- their entire relationship arc makes zero sense

Music 10/10

Storyline 8/10

Single on the 25th 

Rewatchability 5/10

Couple 6/10

Music n/a

Storyline 5/10

The Holiday 

Rewatchability 10/10

Couple 8/10 *Obvi the supirior couple includes Jack Black, I don't make the rules. 

Music 10/10

Storyline 8/10

A year without a Santa Claus 

Rewatchability 10/10

Couple n/a

Music 9/10

Storyline 9/10

Mickey's Once Upon a Christmas 

Rewatchability 10/10

Couple 10/10 *not to be that person but I'm pretty sure the love Mickey and Minnie share is better than pretty much everyone else on this list. 

Music 7/10

Storyline 9/10

Polar Express

Rewatchability 7/10

Couple n/a

Music 5/10 (you forgot this movie was secretly kinda a musical, didn't cha) 

Storyline 8/10

Santa ClausE 

Bonus point for Bernard simply existing +10

Rewatchability 10/10

Couple n/a

Music n/a

Storyline 9/10

White Christmas 

Rewatchability 10/10

Couple 5/10

Music 10/10

Storyline 7/10

Charlie Brown Christmas 

Rewatchability 10/10

Couple n/a

Music n/a

Storyline 5/10

It's a wonderful life 

Rewatchability 10/10

Couple 9/10

Music n/a

Storyline 9/10

Klaus 

Rewatchability 10/10

Couple 10/10

Music 10/10

Storyline 10/10

This is Christmas 

Bonus points for the casual inclusivity of this film +10

Rewatchability 10/10

Couple 8/10

Music n/a

Storyline 10/10

Love the Coopers 

Rewatchability 2/10

Couple 6/10

Music n/a

Storyline 4/10

Jim Carrey A Christmas Carol 

Rewatchability 9/10

Couple n/a

Music n/a

Storyline 10/10

Mickey's Christmas Carol 

Rewatchability 4/10

Couple n/a

Music n/a

Storyline 7/10

Elf 

Rewatchability 8/10

Couple 4/10 *low-key kinda creepy... but also Zoey Deschanel, so she makes it work 

Music 3/10

Storyline 9/10

Single all the Way 

Rewatchability 10/10

Couple 10/10

Music n/a

Storyline 9/10

The spirit of Christmas 

Rewatchability 10/10

Couple 6/10

Music n/a

Storyline 6/10

A merry little Ex-Mas

Rewatchability 5/10 

Couple 5/10

Music n/a

Storyline 5/10

Gremlins

Negative Point for all the goopyness of this film -100

Rewatchability 4/10

Couple 2/10

Music n/a

Storyline 3/10

 Home Alone 

Rewatchability 7/10 

Couple n/a

Music n/a

Storyline 7/10

I heard the Bells

Rewatchability 10/10

Couple 6/10

Music n/a

Storyline 10/10

Strawberry Shortcake Berry Merry Christmas

Rewatchability 2/10

Couple n/a

Music 2/10

Storyline 4/10

Magic School Bus Holiday Special 

Rewatchability 10/10

Couple n/a

Music 10/10

Storyline 10/10

Noelle 

Rewatchability 8/10

Couple n/a

Music n/a

Storyline 8/10

The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus

Rewatchability 5/10

Couple n/a

Music n/a

Storyline 6/10

Midnight at the Magnolia 

Rewatchability 10/10

Couple 8/10

Music 8/10

Storyline 9/10

And with that my friends I think I can offially say I am done watching Christmas movies for this year! 

 

A hard day...

Today was hard and sad and I'm both tired and sad at the moment. So that's fun. 

Y'know what sucks? Being 28 and for unknown reasons being emotioanlly affected by your parents failed and un-loving marriage. Like what the helly? I don't live with my parents anymore why the f*ck do I feel so hurt and sad by all this bs?

Honestly I know it hurts at any age I just wish it didn't hurt as much and I wish my situation in all this was different.... 

Idk man it just sucks and Im sad. 

 

Bedtime blues

While getting ready for bed tonight I started feeling immensely bummed out. To my mind came everything I was failing at. 

I eat to many sweet. Not enough veggies. I don't get enough movement into my day. I watch to much YouTube. Waste too much time on social media. Watch too many movies and television. I'm not learning or growing in anyway. Fail. Fail. Fail. Failure. 

What a buzz kill that line of thinking is. Now I fully acknowledge that any such thoughts around 9pm are usually triggered in part by the "bedtime blues" as I like to call it. The time of evening where no mater how good your day was or life is everything is horrible and life is the worst. The only answer to this? Go to bed and you will quite literally feel better in the morning. 

Problem is there are little beads of truth in those deeply self deprecating thoughts. I have been eating more sweets lately. I have also increased my media consumption. And between today and yesterday I spent a good amount of time on my couch or in my bed curled up under blankets. So what do we do now? Do we chalk up these feelings to the bedtime blues? Do we panic? Completely replan our life and set a thousand different goals to rectify every shortcoming? Do we do 100 sit-ups before bed? No, no, no and no. 

The best response is to be curious about those feelings of inadequacy or failure. Genuinely check in, has my life gotten out of control? Is it unmanageable? Where could I make reasonable goals to improve tomorrow? What am I doing well? What have a succeeded at today, this week, this month? 

I don't have answers to all those questions. It's nearly my bedtime and I'm pretty sleepy. But in sitting with these feelings I don't feel quite as consumed and overwhelmed. So we save the answers for another day and wish you and the rest of the world a good night. 

 

Morning musings

I sat across from my Dad asking him to choose me. To love me and want me and to try. And he couldn't do it. He couldn't say that he loves me. He couldn't reasure me. In that moment something broke between us. A flood of every other moment, insensitive comment, hurtful remark, choices he's made... they all came flooding in.

When he criticized me for what I was eating or how much I was eating. The letters and texts and conversations about how I should be different, do different, be more like someone else. Or how about when I was just starting to get healthy again and he threw a fit about the cost of my medical care. How about the calls and texts my siblings get that I don't. Or the acknowledgement of their relationship with him and the effort they put in but me? Nothing. And never, never an apology for how these things have hurt me. No acknowledgement of guilt or fault or wrongdoing. These moments all combine to tell 1 story and that story's theme? I don't love you.

Now do I truly believe my Dad doesn't love me? No not really. I think he loves me as much as and in the way that he can, and that's just generally sh*tty. I also don't necessarily think his lack of love for me is unique. I'm also not convinced in the last decade or so that he loves my Mom. 

I recently listened to a podcast where the host said: "I truly believe I am worthy of love and deserve to be surrounded in it everyday." Those words resonated with me. There are moments and because of recent events they have been more often than not. Where I do doubt or a wonder... if my own father doesn't love me who does? Who will? Am I even of value? Heck why keep living if the cost isn't valued by anyone else? 

But deep down? I know. I deserve love. I am worthy of love. And thats the basis for my distance to my father. I will not surround myself in a lack of love. I deserve better than that. I am still kind and respectful to him. And truthfully I still love him and care about him. But my boundaries are to protect myself from more hurt, more doubt, more loss. 

Moral of this story? I am worthy of love and so are you. I deserve to be surrounded by love and so do you. My life deserves to be filled with love and so does yours. 

dishes

There are moments in life that change us; we woke up one way, but by the time the next day dawns, we are different. Even if we don't fully know it yet. One of my moments came when I was... around 11. 

My grandfather was dying of pancreatic cancer, not a good time for anyone in my family. My family was basically living at my grandparents alongside most of my cousins and Aunts. It was a day like most of the others; the moms were stressed and worried, and sensitive, and the boys were all outside playing. When my Aunt asked me and my other girl cousins to do the dishes. Instead of jumping up to help, we grumbled and, at the suggestion of a cousin, hid ourselves to avoid the work. Unsurprisingly, my Aunt found us, but instead of yelling at us or imposing some other punishment, she cried. She cried about how hard life was and how we shouldn't be selfish; we needed to help right now. I felt awful, and right there and then, I decided I was not, and would not, ever be labeled as selfish again. A choice... a moment... that forever changed me.

From that day forward, at every family gathering, every church potluck, or party, I would be the first to jump up and wash the dishes. If you didn't know where I was, check the kitchen, and there I'd be, by the sink washing away. In many ways, this new part of me served me well. When I'd jump up at Grandma's, my Aunts and Uncles would sing my praises for being so kind and good. At church, I was thoughtful and helpful. In every choice to wash another dish, the chorus of "you are good and valued and loved" followed me. For a while, it worked... okay, longer than a while, it wasn't until the last few years that I realized, this dishwashing part of myself had involved herself in much more than just the dishes at the family gathering. 

Suddenly, much more than dishes were piling up. Every burden and challenge the world offered, the hurt and trials of family and friends, my own sadness and pain, it was all piling up taller and taller. And there she was frantically doing the dishes left and right. It was her only way to control, the only way to protect herself, the only way to keep the security of "you are loved, needed, valued," and that little voice inside whispered "this is who you are". But now? Now... I'm so... tired. 

Here's the problem with the endless parade of dishes: it took a while, but I started realizing that I sit with my soap and my sponge in my elbow-length bright yellow gloves and just want to wash those dishes. Clean them up, fix the problems, and off we go, onto the next! Here's the thing, though: I can't wash someone else's dishes. I just...can't. No matter how much she wants to, with her gloves and soap suds ready.

It doesn't work... they just don't come clean.

So there she is, gloves on, surrounded by dishes mine, ones others have given her, ones she has taken, promising and hoping that this time... this time she can get them clean. And she cries... she cries... she looks at the tower of dishes and cries. it hurts, it hurts to leave the dishes... I hurt because this is who I am... if I can't clean the dishes then... then what? 

Truthfully I don't want to stop washing dishes. It is part of who I am, a valued part of who I am that serves the whole well, but it's not all that I am. When the dish towers are too high, when I've lost track of which dishes are mine and which aren't. When she looks at the mess and cries. I am with her. I want to ask her to come over, come sit on the couch with me but she can't not yet. So instead, I go to her. I take her yellow gloved hand in mine and say "you are more than this. you are more than the dishes you do. you are not the dishes you don't do. you are good, and valued, and needed." Together we stand at the sink... and she cries and I cry because it does hurt... and that's okay. 

Today we cry together and tomorrow... tomorrow... tomorrow, we'll leave tomorrow for another day. 

Mary or Martha

"Martha was a busy body." "She didn't know what was most important." "Being a Martha is bad." "Martha needed to relax!! She was a bully to Mary." And on and on. When teaching from the Bible we often get to the story in Luke about Mary and Martha and this as the response is summary: Martha =bad and Mary =good. Personally I have always loved this story and have proudly touted my defense of Martha at every opportunity. Because I am a Martha. 

Martha saw a need and filled it. She had an important role, that of providing for the temporal needs of the Savior and His followers while they resided at her home. And despite all that the Savior wad capable of doing that role needed to be filled. Much like Martha I have always felt more peaceful and content when I am up and going. If I was at an activity I'd much rather be helping with the set-up or clean up then visiting with others there. My view of things was simple: Mary can sit with Jesus ONLY because Martha is handling everything else. (Okay yes as much as I jump to Martha's defense I recognize that I might be a little judgemental of Mary... despite the Savior literally telling us she's making a good choice) 

However I recently was released as a temple worker and as part of that experience was given this insight from the temple President: "Temple workers are "Martha's" (see Luke 10:38-42).  It sounds like at this season in our life you should be a "Mary" and choose the good part to sit at the Savior's feet and hear His word as a patron in the house of the Lord once a month."

Yup, he just told me to be a Mary... despite all of my feelings that lead me to Martha... I was just told to enter my "Mary era". 

Yesterday I had the opportunity to attend the temple with a few friends and I felt touched as I watched the "Martha's" out helping and serving. And so my thoughts turned again to this invitation to enter my Mary era. I'll be honest I was feeling more on the distressed side about it. Becuase I went thought a whole session with no powerful spiritual revelation, no moment of enlightenment.... Maybe the reason I don't like being a Mary is becuase I'm actually not very good at it. 

So there I am in the celestial room sitting, thinking and feeling disheartened since I'm a bad Mary. When a thought came to mind: "My house is a place of revelation and refuge" 

Define Refuge: 

• 1: shelter or protection from danger or distress
• 2: a place that provides shelter or  protection

In an instant I felt a different sort of peace. As much as I want to be constantly open to receiving revelation and always go-go going (sounds a bit more Martha, hmm?) Part of embracing my Mary Era is embracing that if all I find in the Lords house is refuge from the storms of life then I am still using it for it's intended purpose. That if all I do is sit at His feel and feel love for His love for me then that is enough. 

So here I am a proud Martha entering my Mary Era. Seeking to find balance and acceptance that we need both Mary and Martha. I need both Mary and Martha because both are good and valued and at different times and seasons both can be our focus and lead to great blessings. 

A new perspective on Enos

Near the beginning of the book of Mormon we have the book of Enos. At a single chapter it's short sweet and to the point. Focusing around Enos who when out hunting alone felt to seek forgiveness from God prayed for multiple days before being forgiven. Then Enos prays for his people and his enemies and gets similar answers and reassurance. 

For many years Enos has been used as a to-do list for prayer and getting answers. And it often leaves me with the guilt of not being able to measure up the potentially imagined expectations. With this past read through I raced through it in hopes of moving on to something the left me feeling better. 

Come Sunday and once again Enos and his "pattern" (to-do list) was the focus of the discussion. After some silence and guilt I spoke up. Sharing that Enos is great but his experience was his and creating a to-do list in order to have good prayer and get powerful answers isn't fair to us. Becuase we're not Enos- what works for him may not work for us. And if the to-do list just leaves us feeling lesser than does it have any benefit at all? Then I shared my belief that God accepts whatever we can offer Him, weather a two day prayer or a two second one. If we are doing it from a place of love and devotion it is enough. 

I felt satisfied enough with those thoughts. Even if those around me didn't quite seem to get my point. The teacher focusing on how I do measure up and need to be more accepting of myself. But then I walked away from that class wondering why Enos. Why do we study him and his story? If all it does it create unrealistic expectations and guilt why would Heavenly Father want it in there? Honestly I'm not sure and maybe it's becuase each person can have their own experience and for some it just doesn't bring on the guilt. 

But while discussing this with a friend I had a compeltely new thought. A thought that gives me a reason to study and even love Enos. It came first from President Nelson's remarks to learn how to Hear Him and then from the events in 3rd Nephi 11 when Christ first appeared to the Nephites. 

Enos prayed for two days while seeking for forgiveness, when the Lord answered him His answer was a reassurance that he was forgiven. Then in answer to his worried for those he loves (his people) the answer was the same: trust me, I love you, I LOVE all my children and I will take care of ALL my children. To Enos concern for his "enemies" the answer was, you guessed it, the same. So what can we learn from this? 

1. The Lord has been trying to tell us the same this from the beginning. He loves us. He wants us. He wants to forgive us if we repent. He doesn't want us to feel guilt or shame or pain. He wants us to come to Him and feel His peace. This is a primary message from literally every prophet and teacher in the scriptures (ancient and modern). 

2. Maybe the focus of the two days has less to do with what Enos was doing (praying non-stop) and more with what he was struggling to do. Stopping and listen to the message that Heavenly Father has been trying to help us understand! This lesson is for me the point of the whole book of Enos. God is trying to tell us the same thing, the thing He's been trying to get through our head and into our heart from the beginning of all time. And our lesson is listen to Him. Trust His love for me, for those I love and for those I'm not so sure about. Trust His ability to save, trust Him. 

So Enos, I'm sorry I've been so hard on you. Thank you for recording your experience for what it can teach us about prayer and about listening. Next time I get to reread Enos or participate in a lesson about Him or teach it I'm excited to share this new perspective. If it helped me hopefully it'll help someone else too! 

Doing things that scare me

Okay my title is a misdirection. Doing these things doesn't "scare me" it makes me feel self-conscious or insecure and it makes me feel different which is hard. 

I turned 27 this year and I'm still single. I also don't have the largest friend group so sometimes I don't do things because I'm not comfortable doing them alone. I don't want to do that anymore. 

I don't want to look back on my life one day and be sad because of all the stuff I didn't do because I didn't think I could do them alone. So here I am tonight. At a restaurant (no take out that I eat at home while watching a movie) eating dinner by myself. It's weird and I do feel a little odd. But it's good! So here's to the first of many "scary" things that bring me joy, even when I do them alone. ❤️ 

Too many feelings to keep bottled up

I'm feeling angry and frustrated and hurt and sad and confused and about a million other things tonight. There are things I want to say but feel like I can't anywhere else so here I am blogging about them....

To my Sister who has chosen to walk away from the church. I don't understand it. I don't understand how you can make this choice after all you've learned and done to stay faithful. I don't understand how you could watch your husband leave and be heartbroken about it only to follow him out, tho I do not blame him. You own this choice and I knoe that. I don't understand how you can turn your back on your covenants and the promises not only to God but from Him. Frankly I'm disappointed because I never thought you'd leave. It's selfish of me to say but truly I am disappointed in you and this choice you've made. I'm saddened by how it is going to change you, your future and our family and your family. I just want to scream that you are making the biggest mistake of your life and the worst part is I think part of you- deep down past all the hurt feelings and mental challenges and everything else knows. Knows that this isn't the right choice even if you feel it's the "right choice for you right now." If you're leaving because your husband hasn't come back then I would ask do you only believe and follow God when you get what you want from Him? If you're leaving because the people don't meet your expectations then I'd ask if you meet those expectations you hold others to? 

Above all else I'd ask do you remember? 

Driving to Grand Marais and shedding tears as we expressed love for the book of mormon and its power. As we expressed a deep hope and belief that in time your husband would find his way back. Remember Grandpa and everything he went through to find his to Jesus Christ and the temple? All the sadness and loss he family felt because it took cancer and death for him to get there? Remember testifying and teaching about God's love as missionary? And weeping tears of joy when the age of service was changes and you called us saying you were going to start working on your papers that very day? Remember the temple and the sealing covenants you've made- the promises that your marriage will last forever IF YOU KEEP YOUR COVENANTS? Remember the peace of girl's camp and the spirit of youth conferences? Do you remember listening to your grandmother share her testimony and her knowledge of God and Jesus Chirst and her going to church by herself on Sunday, regardless of her physical pain, of the road conditions or anything else. Because she knew- she knew that it was what she needed and where she needed to be. Do you remember the blessings of comfort and healing and power you've received throughout your life? The blessings you've seen received by others in your life? 

If you don't remember then I beg you with all my heart and all my love to try. Please please try! Try to remember. If you do remember and don't care or can't right now then I'm sorry and my heart breaks for you... and your husband... and your children and grandchildren.... but mostly for you for how lost you've become. 

And oh how I mourn... mourn the lives you could've changed, the experiences you could've had... I mourn the temple sessions we won't share and that you won't see me wear my white temple clothing and kneel across an alter and be sealed to my eternal companion. I mourn that I won't be able to turn to you as my spiritual strength as I have so many many times before. I mourn that I won't be able to turn to you asking for your prayers and faith in the same way as I face challenges. I mourn how this will change family gatherings and visits. How this will change the spirit I feel in your home and the saftey I find there. Above all else I mourn how this changes things between us even as we try not to let it even as we keep talking and trying and fighting because something will always be missing.... 

I love you. That's what this all boils down to all the hurt and rage and anger and sadness comes down to the unchanging fact that I love you. You are my best friend. You have taught and shaped the woman I've become. You are and always will be my favorite sister. I love you despite these choices and I will continue to fight and pray and weep and fast and hold tightly onto you. Because you mater and one day I know with all my heart and every fiber of my being you will, like the prodigal son, come to yourself- in this life or the next- and come back to our Father who loves you, the Savior who died for you and the Family that want to spend forever with you. 

 

Dear Gym coach

I just got back from the gym and this is what I want to say to the oh-so-helpful coach I met today. 

Thank you so much for your comments. Thank you for introducing yourself to me and my mom and then chastising us because we're, no sorry I'm, not allowed to coach. Thank you for encouraging us in our workout by informing me that I was teaching and using improper form and double thank you for not offering to teach or show me the correct way. Thank you for making me feel self-conscious about my place at the gym, for making me feel uncomfortable bringing my Mom in and trying to help her. Thank you for getting me in my head about what I'm doing and why I'm even there. Thank you for the interruption and for derailing the remainder of our workout. Thank you for not offering training to either myself or my Mom despite the obvious need. Thank you for making the gym a safe space that I want to be at and most of all thank you for showing me that gym girls really are b*tches. 

 

Next time I need help at the gym you'll be the first I don't call! And if I ever need coaching again- you're gonna be at the very tippy top of my don't call list. If I ever see you again (which let's be real I won't because now I know exactly which gym to avoid and at what time) I hope you'll feel proud of how you helped not only myself but also my Mom on our fitness journey. 

Xoxo you're a B 😘