Better or worse?

Tonight while walking the dog my brother made a passing comment that my mental illness was worse because I'd admitted to it, "Denial," he said, "is the key to success." Is he right? Are my issues worse because I have admitted my defeat and sought help? If that's the case why admit to the problem? 

Why would alcoholics anonymous have one of their first steps be "admit you have a problem"? 

I wonder if perhaps we're wrong in thinking the problem is made worse by admitting there is a problem to begin with. Perhaps our open eyes simply see the problem, maybe for the first time we really see that yup this is in fact a problem. Who knew? 

I do think my anxiety has been more apparent since I've started therapy but that's because I'm more aware of it. For example:

Today I realized I'd been working an extra half hour in my new job. Oops! Not a huge deal, it's only been for a few weeks and only 2 days a week at that. Certainly not the end of the world, no reason to crumble or destroy ourselves. However I quickly succumbed to an anxiety spiral that was pretty severe. I cried, I screamed, I was angry with myself. Convinced of my own stupidity, my failures, I was a horrible employee, I could do nothing right and it was definitely the end of the world as we know it. 

Would I have responded that way regardless of if I am in therapy. Yes ma'am I would've. So what's the difference? Well this time I realized even as I was spiraling that that's exactly what I was doing. I knew, even as I struggled to challenge them, that my thoughts were very distorted. I knew that my inner critic was running rampant but it was wrong. I am not a failure because I failed. I am a good person, good employee and yeah, I'm human, so what? Before I started therapy I would've simple accepted defeat because I had no reason to see any problem with how I was treating myself. I wouldn't have questioned it and certainly wouldn't have challenged it. 

That's the point of admitting to your problems. You can see them with both eyes open and act when they show their little faces. Just like a diabetic can't deny their way out of high bloodsugar without some insulin. You can just deny yourself into a healthy mental state, a lack of anxiety or freedom from depression. Sure you can push it to the side to get through the next shift at work or feeding your family dinner but that doesn't solve the problem. The only way to overcome it, to heal your heart and mind is to get help. 

Now I do understand not everyone who has mental illness seeks therapy. For some medications or exercise or whatnot is all the treatment they need. But for those who seek it therapy can be a wonderful way to work through some of your problems and get the help we all need to manage life. So yes I'm in therapy, I admit I have a problem with anxiety. But I'm not defeated. Right now I am okay and everyday I'm a little bit better. That's all I can ask of myself and that's all you should expect from yourself or others. Tomorrow is a new day and there will be good in it if you look for it. 

Pumpkins

Let's talk about crafting and pumpkins, basically the two best parts of fall! 😍 Sometimes you just need to go to a craft store and make something. Today's project was a cute Plaid Pumpkins!! 

Step 1: Gather supplies 

These were the types of craft pumpkins I was able to find. Pretty cheap and a good overall shape. I think having a pumpkin with pretty defined pumpkin shape is important for this project since you will be covering it with plenty of fabric! 

Other supplies you'll need? 

I used fabric glue as well as a hot glue gun. Then find a fabric of your choice. I went with this cute fall plaid from JoAnns. My sister helped pick it out and honestly it was the first fabric I saw. #score. I only bought a yard but was able to do 2 large pumpkins and 3 small ones with still a little extra fabric. Finally you'll need something to cover the stems, I chose to use some dark brown twine. Also found at a craft store and as you can see there is plenty of extra. I also had some fall leaves in my house from other decorations that I added to the mix to prevent the pumpkins looking too much like I pin cushions. Haha. 

Step 2: Getting started 

Thankfully these are pretty easy. First you want to cut the fabric into a square large enough for each side to be able to reach the center stem of the pumpkin, this allows for full coverage. I also found later that cutting of the point of the corners left you with less extra fabric needing to be trimmed off the stem at the end. 

To glue the fabric on the pumpkin I simply followed the ridges on the pumpkins to place the fabric glue and then pressed the fabric onto it. Adding extra glue as needed to get the shape and coverage you want. Continue all the way around the pumpkin. 

Step 3: The stem

Doing the stem is probably the trickiest part. I used the hot glue gun at this point. And started at the base and slowly wrapped the twine around the stem shape. I didn't get a good picture of this step. My advice would he to go slowly and don't worry if it ends up lumpy or weird you can always go back through and recover areas. For the top I simply added pleantly of glue and then spiraled the twine until the tips were completely covered. 

Step 4: Decorate 

This is where the creative juices can really flow! Feel free to add any cute fixin's to make this pumpkin uniquely your own. For example 

I took some twine and wrapped it around a disposable staw and covered it with the fabric glue allowed it to try and when removed from the paper (pro tip don't use a straw covered in paper 😉)  they stayed all cute and curly a perfect addition to my largest pumpkin. 

For the smaller pumpkins I used only one leaf and found that I could simply glue the twine down in curly forms and it looked just as cute but didn't take as long. At this point I also added the leaves after my brother said they looked like pincushions. 

Step 5: Puke fall cuteness over your entire home

Okay maybe don't puke.... and maybe thats a weird way to say decorate your home with all the cutest fall pumpkins but I'd already had a step say "Decorate" so I couldn't do a repeat. Anyways, at this point I would giving the pumpkins a little time to dry would be good (mine didn't take long and I wasn't worried but if you have nice surfaces you wouldn't want damaged I'd let them fully dry before placing them). Then go nuts! Pumpkins everywhere!!! Make your home the fall kingdom you desire. 

As you can see with my newest additions I am getting quite a little collection of pumpkins. Yay! 😊 

No go forth friends. Create the life you love! Or at least a pumpkin to make you smile. 

Think before you speak

2020 has been the year of social media activism. Literally. From BLM to anything mask related and now the most recent obsession has been Child Trafficing. 

Any form of sex trafficing is absolutely horrific. Porn, strippers/strip clubs, play boy, even the NFL anything that feeds into the sexual industry is shameful. And I would encourage you to take a moment and really think about what you are supporting by your choices. There is no excuse for rape or EVER laying hands on a child in a sexual manor. I have very little forgiveness for individuals who have behaved in such a manor. 

That being said, the big push on social media is that any sexual preditor should be: "shot" "put down like a bad dog" "tossed into wood chippers" Now again, do I feel like pedophiles should have to register, and should be held accountable to the fullest extent of the law for their crimes YES I DO. But I do not believe we should so flippantly discuss ending another human beings life. No matter their crimes. 

Please remember in you're rush of self righteousness that these are human beings. Many of whom have been sexually or physically abused, many have mental disorders and illnesses going untreated. Does that in anyway excuse their actions? Heck no! But before you discuss ending their life think about of you would want to be the one to pull the trigger? Would you like to look in the eye the parents or grandparents of this person (not pedophile PERSON human being) and say that they don't deserve to live and you are going to take their life? 

Should a pedophile be put to death? I don't know. I'm honestly not sure how I feel on the death sentence. Why should I or those in my race, political view or anything else determin who should live or die? I'm not sure I want that responsibility. My point is simply don't be flippantly deeming another person's life unworthy of living. Think before you speak and be educated before you decide on these matters. AND if you're opinions or views change and grow that's good. That means you are changing and growing and therefore still a human. 

If you're looking for more information about the death penalty and other issues in our society I recommend you read Just Mercy. Its an excellent book, it really makes you think. And it takes these issues and makes them real in ways I couldn't imagine. Above all please choose to be kind. 

Addressing the Elephant

Most people would agree there is an elephant in every room. We all have an elephant, it's different for everyone. Let's be honest it'll probably change a few times throughout your life. Today, in this post, I will be addressing mine. 

I feel like I have been defeated by a dragon admitting this... and I know I shouldn't but I do. I have succumbed to my anxiety... I have started therapy and I'm on medication. It's pretty insane and I am almost ashamed by it... okay ashamed isn't the right word... I'm embarrassed or I don't know what the word is. But I do know that I feel weird about this whole situation. 

About a month ago I finally came to the realization that I wasn't okay. That the thoughts I have been having aren't okay, aren't "normal" and are something that can be changed. I realized that I didn't have to feel the way I've been feeling. It was a hard realization to come to, it truly did (still sort of does) feel like failure.  

The realization came slowly. My feelings of failure and inability to move forward in life increased. And yet my health was better than ever, arguably the best it's been in a very long time. But despite that I felt incapable of moving forward, progressing and the idea of it caused a lot of worry. Then something else started to change, I started to really hate myself. I'm not talking about the general self esteem issues I've had most of my life. I'm not talking about a bad hair day or a fat day or anything. I mean I literally found myself so annoying and I just wanted to claw my skin off. The final straw was when I became so overwhelmed not only with my situation but the situation in the world at a whole. The violence, racism, a literal plague, hate and anger, see trafficking, injustice, selfishness and overall suffering that I began feeling like life truly was hopeless... like I would be better off not living at all. 

No let me preference this by saying that I never harmed myself physically nor did I ever feel a desire to do so. I never felt the desire to take my life or anything of that sort. For that I am much more than grateful. I cannot imagine the terror of loosing that side of myself. And I'll be honest I have felt that since my cousins suicide I have a responsibility to my mental health and well being and to protect my family from more heartache caused by mental illness. 

Having a discussion with my Mom about how I'm doing was very humbling. There were many tears... and we decided to get me some help. It wasn't easy it hasn't been easy. But I have found a therapist and I've gotten medication. It's been a new journey one I never really planned on taking. But I am learning to take things a day at a time and to have hope that healing is possible.   

I haven't told a lot of people in fact I haven't even told all my siblings. I don't really feel comfortable discussing this for a number of reasons: I sort of feel like I maxed out my problems docket for, well my entire life, an adding this is just once again me seeking attention and once again having more issues to burden people with. I also feel like this wasn't supposed to be my struggle. I have two incredible siblings who have struggled with their mental health much of their lives and this has in many ways felt like it was their battle. Now I feel like I am hurting them by taking this away from them? Doesn't makes sense and I get that but it feel very valid. And finally I feel so little value in myself and about myself that I don't feel like talking to people. It's much easier, rather lonely though, to fake the smile and ignore it. 

I have a feeling that this will be a long road. I know that healing is possible... or at least a betterment of my situation. I am grateful that there is a way to get help, and I'm willing to do my part (the best I can) to make things better. 

Love Letter to a Stranger

Dear Hot Neighbour,

In the desperate attempt to find you I send out this post. Like smoke signals into the sky from the midst of a forest. Will it ever reach you? Probably (and hopefully) not cause that would be embarrassing... Hahaha 😅 

I've seen you exactly 4 times. The first you were mowing the lawn *swoon* I accidentally drove by twice, it wasn't because I was creeping (I'm serious I forgot something at home and had to go back) but I did enjoy the second look. The next time I saw you I was biking with my Mom. You walked past and we smiled and waved at each other and the customary "Hi" was mumbled. The final time I saw you, I walked by (again with my Mom) you were talking to some neighbours and loving on their puppy. This time we made eye contact, I broke it first I was embarrassed.... but I felt like I was walking on air knowing you'd noticed me. 

I haven't seen you since, but it's been warm so most people having been hiding indoors. I mean, maybe you went back to wherever you came from. I'm kinda hoping there's a chance we'll run into one another again. Afterall we live on the same block so it's possible. But what would it matter if we did, if all I do is watch you from afar? 

Here's my promise mystery hot neighbour, if you show up in my life again. If we're passing by and I see you, If you're outside as I walk by... I'll say something to you. More than the mumbled "Hi" I'll introduce myself maybe try to make a joke. I can promise it'll be awkward. I can promise I'll be embarrassed. But I'll do it! Because I'm learning that in life and in love if you're never brave enough to take the chance and run the risk of failing you'll never succeed. 

Well hot Neighbour, thank you for existing on my block. I really meant what I said, you have inspired me to be a little bolder and a little braver. 

Until we meet again,

Love your *not a stalker* neighbour 

An open letter to a BFF

Dear Friend,

Our friendship sure isn't perfect. I don't expect it to be. But it's good. It's the greatest blessing in my life. After all the time we've know each other I feel more like sisters than friends. I don't know how to tell you every part of what I feel. I am just so grateful to be you're friend and to have you in my life. 

You've changed me in ways you couldn't imagine. I think of you a dozen times throughout the day. Between the inside jokes and all the little things that bring you to my mind. I've learned how to love from you. I've learned how to serve and care about people. I wouldn't be who I am without you. 

Sometimes I forget you're not perfect. I forget you have other friends and can't spend all your time with me. I forget sometimes.... but I never forget how much you mean to me. I never forget the good times we've had together. I never forget the laughter between us and the safety of you're hugs. I can't forget the inside jokes and special memories. I may forget the important dates or events in you're life.... I guess sometimes I forget I'm not perfect either. 

I'm lonely without you. I miss you when you blow off or don't reach out. But I soar sky high when you text me or get me flowers. I know you're busy but it hurts me... Sometimes I feel less like a best friend and more like a backup friend. I feel forgotten by you, by everyone. I know I'm exhausting to be around... I'm sorry. I know I'm sensitive and emotional. I know I'm a mess right now. But I have feelins and needs.... and honestly they don't feel met. It hurts, but then again I guess sometimes friendship hurts. 

I'm gonna try to be more patient with you. I'll try to remember that you have you're own life and it doesn't make you love me less. I'll stop complaining about expectations that go unmet. I'll try to be better, kinder and more loving.... and hopefully things will get better. If not... well I love you anyway and I'm not giving up on us. 

Love a friend. 

Lonely, I'm mister Lonely.

Being the youngest at the gastro is always interesting. Being checked in too, people always kinda squint at you.... it's just too weird. But anyways not about that. 

Let's talk about loneliness and friendship. I am a lone lonely loner. And it's been a little rough lately. I have literally like 1 friend in this area beyond my family. Which is fine by me but also makes me, maybe a little codependant on her friendship. 

Here's the thing I've been blown off so many times and recently it's been like a weekly accourance. The hard part is for some of the blow off it's been not my choice but somehow still blamed on me. 

The straw that broke the camel's back? Today I had asked to hang out and instead of saying she can't she just didn't respond until I hear from my brother that infact he is hanging out with her today. Ouch! Whelp, this doesn't feel so good. 

It's hard feeling like a substitute person in my friendships. It's hard to feel alone and want someone to love and support you, but it feels like there's no one. I mean I have my family and I love that. They are super supportive and kind and I love them. But sometimes I want someone outside my family to care about me. 

I think it's part of being single honestly. There comes a time when, after being single for a few years, you start to think that maybe there just is no one. You're gonna be a single and a lonely for always. I know that's not realistic and probably not true but boy oh boy it feels that way. There's a lot of insecurities about my desirability from living with a chronic illness. Sometimes I think it's better I stay alone because then I never drag anyone down with me. 

Well.... I'm just venting and trying to process my loneliness. I'm sure I'll be posting again before you know it but.. until then thanks for listening.