back to the beginning

Bang goes that. Here I am... alone again. Am I sad becuase I "lost him" or sad because it means I'm alone again? Alone with no prospects. No future. No hope of finding the love and happiness I so desperately want. 

Okay let's be honest it's definitely the second one. We only went on like 4 dates and frankly I'd rather he choose me fully than be half and half on things. Plus he was a lot of work- a not quite divorcee is bound to be but still. And he wasn't wrong. It was pretty clear that our lives were going in different directions and I don't really know if there was a path forward for us. But man I would've liked to try. I wish I'd be given that opportunity to take just the second step closer to my end goals. But here I am... Surrounded by others who have found their love and happiness and family and everything... but I'm alone. Once again the not chosen. Not wanted. Not gonna work out. Not quite the right fit. Waiting....... 

July Reading Recap

Happy August... basically September haha. Heres the truth though I am a reader not a writer or I am a writer but I write for vibes not on a schedule. However my sister is a persistent peter and also a saint when it comes to her patience for my shenanigans. So better late than never haha. July was a month and I read a lot. Problem is now I'm in like a reading slump so August might stink haha. Oh well! Lets jump into July and worry about August when it gets here (yes I just heard that whatever haha). 

Book 1: Five Feet Apart:

I found this book at a library book sale and quickly snatched it up to bring home. Some might be familar with the film (which is excellent) this book is mainly based on the film but I think was published just before the movie came out. Anyway I wrote a nice goodreads review of it so I'm gonna send you there for my thoughts. 

Book 2: Pericles:

I listened to an audio version of this play by Shakespeare in preparation for a Shakespeare weekend in Winona. And I loved it!!! I mean is it bat crap crazy? Yes. Is the plot ridiculously contrived and hard to follow? Yes. Are there references in incest? Also, yes. But this play is a wild adventure, and I found myself genuinely enjoying every second of it! 

Here are some aspects I really enjoyed about this version:

I loved Gowers character as chorus. The voice actor played him older and breathy, and there was an ethereal element that almost made him feel ghostly. 

The reunion scene was remarkably moving. You felt both the joy and disbelief as well as humble awe at this seemingly unearned happiness. 

Marina's voice is wonderful! You feel her horror at the brothel and all that it entails in an exceedingly visceral way. (Obviously, trigger warning of sexual violence) But she also had a way of conveying her innocence and virtue, a musical quality to her vocals that was as effective in her joy and conviction as in her fear and horror.

I would recommend this as both an audio option and to see on the stage because it was incredible there too! 

Book 3: Stars Above a lunar chronicles collection:

I am usually hesitant when an author adds additional books to a well completed series. Often, it undermines the existing narrative or feels like a cash grab and not much else.

This book is definitely the exception! Okay, it could definitely have been a cash grab, but it has merit regardless.) 

The short story format is enjoyable, and we get a story about all the main characters minus Iko (and, I guess, technically Jacin, but y'know he and Winter are usually a package deal anyway). Each of the short stories about existing characters comes from the existing narrative- we see Cress entering her life on the satellite, Cinder meeting her "new family," Wolf entering the Queens army, etc. It gives a glimpse into the characters we come to know and love in the main narrative!! 

The other two short stories break those parameters. One is a simple little mermaid retelling. It does have a Cinder cameo, which is fun, but otherwise, it's just a cute story. The final short story takes place after the events of the main narrative. 

We get to see all our favorite characters together again for the happy occasion of Scarlet and Wolf's wedding. It's a cute simple story it doesn’t add too much but enough that you see everyone happy, healing, and still together. 

My only gripe with the entire book is not having a story about Iko. Let's all agree we want the short story about Iko and Kinny (I know Wires and Nerve is more their story but sometimes it annoys me when media changes- think Avatar the Last Air Bender completing their native in a graphic novel when it was a TV show ya dig?) Anywho! Good book highly recommend. 

Book 4: Eddie Winston is Looking for Love:

This book, this book, my goodness! This is a book I will be buying. This is a book I must own because it is every cosy sweater, warm cup of cocoa and hug from grandma that your soul needs. High praise but trust me! 

It follows the story of Eddie the 90 year old looking for Love and his first kiss. As a near 30 year old who has never had her first kiss you can see why this book would intrigue me. But its much more that just a romantic love story. Its the story of humanity and how we can connect with others if we'll allow ourselves to. Truly it was beautiful and I enjoyed every minute. 

Book 5: The Statistical Probability of Love at First Sight:

I wrote a decent review for this book on my good reads so I'm gonna just send y'all there and you can check that out. 

Book 6: The Screaming Staircase:

This is the first in the series Lockwood and Co. I will definitely be reading the rest of the series! 

It tells the story of an alternate London where specters, haunting and all things ghosty exist. And the only ones aware enough to recognize or deal with the issue is a bunch of teenagers, yikes! That's when we meet our trio: Lockwood is mysterious and doesn't communicate much. Lucy is extra sensitive, has a haunted past and is trying to prove herself. And George the nerdy, food obsessed, comedic relief (it's giving movie Ron without any of the heart of book Ron, if you know what I mean). An amusing group to be sure. They face their adventures and find they work together even better than they expected and all (mostly) worke out in the end. 

Book 7: Tuck Everlasting: 

I listened to the 50th anniversary edition of this book narrated by Alexis Bledel. It was wonderful! She should definitely narrate more audiobooks. 

I genuinely enjoyed this story. It was simple yet profound. It explores the nature of life and death, considers the purpose of life, discusses childhood, and growing up. All of it is truly deeper than you realize if you'll look for it. But also simple and child-like in the story itself. 

I found myself loving the Tucks as much as Winnie did, without much explanation as to why much like her. I found each member of the Tuck family simple and endearing. Winnie herself was a delightful little creature, a child just starting to grow and understand the world around her. 

I do sometimes think what it would be to write a sequel to this book. To right the Tucks family story and give them the ending they all want. Maybe someday someone will write it if they did, I'd definitely read it!

Honorable Mention (because I haven't "finished" it yet, it's sorta a workbook and instead of doing the workbook aspect I've just been listening to it but then I plan to re-listen to it and do the workbook aspect and I don't plan to count it twice so IDK this is my blog and my rules and mind your business.) Too Much: a Guide to breaking the cycle of High Functioning Codependency: 

All I'm gonna say is if you feel like you might loose your mind trying to control everything and everyones life then maybe you should check it out. I love the way the Author gives us practice moments to either do more reflection or to work on developing a skill to help us. There were definitely few times were I found the authors "I'm on your team, you're amazing"  a bit pedantic. But overall I think its a good book for some perspective if you're struggling. 

DIS-Honorable mentions 2 DNFs: Cinderella's Dress & Cities of Smoke and Starlight

Both books were ones I only considered reading becuase I was heavily influenced by my socials. Haha clearly they didn't know me half so well as they thought since I struggled to enjoy either. With Cinderella it was just a little to slow. With Starlight it was a little to trope-y and the dialog was just not it. If you've read them and enjoyed them great! If you think I should give them another try let me know! 

Okay a million years later I think I'm done! So you know the drill go check out my sister's post and definitely follow her if you want regularly scheduled posts and not whatever my chaos is. 

I think I'm broken and I hate it. Happiness makes me nervous and I'm always waiting for the world to end. I'm reaching to control myself and my feelings and every thought and action of the entire world all the time. I can't and I know that. I know being anxious about good and hopeful things is ridiculous. I know that wanting to control things I can't doesn't work. I know all these things but still I sit in the hamster wheel a never ending circle of torment unable to get off. My mind tells me "calm down" my body seizes and I'm holding it together with tape and hours long phonecalls and thin smiles and fake all of it fake. 

The hardest part? Hard to say maybe it's that part of me thinks that what good I bring to the table, what I offer a situation can't be enough when this mess is constantly spilling over. I think you deserve better and I want to tell you that. Part of me whats to drive you away because you have already faced trail and struggle and deserve something easy, something good. Another voice inside me whispers the belief that you can see past the mess and the hamster wheel and the anxious smiles and know that it will be worth it or you'll decide you want it anyway. But the fear is louder. She stands on the roof and shouts that you'll realize you'll see the mess and the stress and just walk away and even though it would make me sad I wouldn't blame you... because part of me even wants you to. But that little voice, she's calling out "please stay." 

thinking thoughts

This is gonna be a short post... it's really just thoughts... or a thought I guess, and not much else. 

Have you seen the movie The Intern? Anne Hathaway and Robert De Niro. Truly it is iconic and I love it. It might be my favorite movie, okay probably not. But definitely in my top 10 and one of the few I actually own a physical copy of. 

But here's the thing I cannot watch this movie without thinking of my parents and their issues. Without getting into the nitty gritty details. A few years ago my dad was unfaithful to my Mom. Not a long drawn out love affair with another woman just a spur of the moment physical infidelity (following a long period of mental unfaithfulness but that's beside the point). 

Now spoilers in the movie The Intern the husband characte is unfaithful to the main female lead (Jules played by Hathaway), she finds out and so does Ben (De Niro's character) and they discuss it with Jules being on the side of forgiveness and resolving the solution and Ben being much more cynical and pointing out that she has the right to a life free of unfaithfulness. No prior to this scene there is a scene where Jules trys to instigate intimacy with her spouse. In a rewatch knowing that at the point she likely is aware of the affair yet still making these choices my father made a comment along the lines of: "Why would she do that? She knows hes not being faithful to her why would she want to engage in that way." To which my mom responded that obviously she still loves him and doesn't want to give up on their life and happiness together. And my father lovingly scoffed at the whole notion. No as an isolated event this doesnt really mater- who cares! Made up movie, flippant comments, trival move on. 

But I can’t move on becuase of whats happened with my parents. I feel like their responses to the cheating perfect sum up the whole experience. My dad has been unfaithful and my mom has been desperately clinging to what was believing that his choices meant nothing. But I can't help but wonder if the roles were reversed would my Dad fight as hard to keep my Mom? From his flippant comment I doubt it... and I'm here just wondering why? Why did this happen to my family and will I ever get past it? Becuase I gotta be honest no part of the situation my Mom or Dad's involvement has left anything good behind and I'm left questioning marriage and love and faithfulness and trust and.... truthfully this is why I'm single. 

Anyways ramble over maybe now that it's out of my head I'll start to move on and be able to just enjoy this movie without it bringing on such complicated thoughts and feelings. 

How is it July?! What I read in the month of June

No clever intro- it is late (becuase I am a granny and anything after 9pm is late) and I just want to cross this off my to-do list! (Gotta get that dopamine hit)

More than the Tatooed Mormon

It's a nice book. Al seems like a genuin person who absolutely loves the Lord and every choice, every actions, even down to the words she wrote reflect that.

However, there were definitely elements of this book that didn’t connect with me (perhaps because I read it over a few sittings). The repeated preaching vibes "don't quit" "God loves *you*" etc felt at times a bit heavy handed. But truly, towards the end, I thought man if someone reads a single page of this book, they would get a proper testimony punch to the face, and maybe that was her intention all along. Overall though for me, it just wasn't what I was looking for. And I don't I'll read any of her other books. Also I don't plan to keep the ones I was gifted, so if anyone wants it let me know haha. 

My life with Chimpanzees

Jane Goodall never really got into her growing up. I knew of her but I definitely grew up in a conservative household (how the vast majority of my parents Children ended up swaying more to the left is truly beyond me) so she wasnt exactly someone my parents would've spoken of often. I mean- they felt like Wall-E and the Lorax were a bit to "woke propaganda" for us children. 

That said when her books popped up on my Spotify I thought sure why not. And I love every moment of it. Jane's voice both vocally and narrative-ly while reading is like listening to your grandma tell you incredible stories from her life and at the same time reasure you that you are exactly who you are meant to be and that's enough. Overall I think this would be the best book to introduce you to Jane, her work, her beliefs, her mission. Definitely could be read to/with children to increase their interest in the world around them! 

A midsummer nights dream: fully dramatized audio addition 

Since midsummer was in June my sister suggested we read/listen to this audio book. I actually will be seeing this play performed this weekend so I was definitely on board thus the adventure of midsummer began. Truthfully read the sparknotes summary of this play and then go see it performed. It will be way more fun, make more sense and overall be a better experience. That said it was a good listen being familar with it I followed the story easily and was amused by all the hijinks and mixup that occure. Puck is both the worst and the best and listening to Helen lose her mind because she's too undesirable to be sought after by one man let alone two is wildly relatable lol. 

The Book of Hope: a survival guide for trying times 

I love this book! It has touched me in a way a book hasn't in a long time. Check out my goodreads review for this book here. 

The final thought I'll add here that I did add to my Goodreads is that I felt so inspired and so compelled by this book that I found myself wanting to do something. But instead of feeling overwhelmed or like my efforts wouldn't make a difference Jane's quote "Concentrate on the things you can do and on doing them well." Became my solution. So what am I doing? I have stopped using disposable silverware at work. It might seem insignificant or like I could do more but its something and I feel good doing it!

Cinder

A perfect blend of fairytale and sci-fi adventure!! It tells the story of Cinderella, but instead of rags, you have cybernetic bodyparts, and instead of household chores (she doesn't do those too to he fair) you have a mechanics workshop, and instead of helpful delightful mice you have a sparky, snarky and generally delightful android. Oh, and *spoiler* instead of losing a slipper, we lose the whole foot. 

I love the world Marissa has created! It's technologically advanced without feeling to fake, and none of the technology falls into being too fancy and modern to be hard to understand. I love the way Marissa adjusts the classic fairytale to fit her adventure while still creating something that feels new and fresh on every page. Truth be told I have loved this series forever, and this was a reread for me, but it was 100% worth it.

 

Scarlet

It's long held that this book is my least favorite of the series but only barely. To be honest, I saw fewer flaws in this reread than before. 

I think ultimately, the biggest struggle I have with this book is that Cinder ends with some drama- lots of questions and with everyone ready for an epic quest. But instead of jumping right into adventure and excitement, we get a very reasonable paced world building novel that creates meaning to the universe and the stakes in play while also rounding out some of our main cast. 

It's not that it's bad. It's just compared to all the other stories in the series its pale in comparison.  

That being said, it masterfully tells the tale of Little red riding hood with a big bad wolf who isn't so bad and an enemies to lovers trope that is hard not to enjoy. We also meet one of my favorite characters, Captain Thorne, who, despite his antics, is a loveable goofball and quickly becomes comic relief to Cinder's ongoing angst. (We will never forgive my sister for her instance that he reads like a 40 year old man- truly how dare she). The book ends sorta where it began nothing much has changed but also a lot has changed, not much has happened outwardly but Cinder is finally finally ready to do something about Levana- she just needs to figure out how. 

Cress

Oh, Cress! I still hold you very near the top of my favorite list. Rapunzel (none other than Cress herself) gets a haircut and turns out to be a master hacker who lands herself and Captain Thorne in the Sahara desert where hilarity ensues because Cress is naive and definitely head-over-heals in love with Thorne. This book has some of the best laugh out loud scenes and second-hand giggling embarsement, and I love every second of it. 

While Cress and Thorne are trying to survive, Cinder begins to adapt to her new purpose as a revolutionary. Anoying brooding lunar guard in toe. Don't worry, all our familiar favorites return and one of them even gets a makeover (details are a spoiler tho so read it and find out!), and it ends with an epic heist and a rooftop kiss that is 100% swoon worthy. The stage is set for the final book. The question is, will it live up to the expectations? *spoiler, the answer? 1000%, yes!*

Fairest 

We interrupt our finale with a brief interlude into the twisted life and mind of the Evil Queen Levana. 

Whew, boy! This book does not disappoint! Fear not, there is no "she's just misunderstood" or "not actually evil at all" moment. She's definitely the villain, and every choice takes her farther and father down a road of destruction. The thing that is so masterful, though, is you find yourself rooting for her, wanting her to be happy and to have things end okay because there is room for pity along side the horro for this evil queen. Yet even as you feel like she deserves better, you look at her choices and think, "YIKES! What am I thinking?!?"  

I consider this a must-read before Winter. Not only does it explain Levana and how we got to where we are in the Cinder based narrative, but it also builds the world of Luna and gives insight into the adventure awaiting in our final installment. 

Winter 

I had over 400 pages to read after I got off work at 4:15pm June 30th and I am proud to say that at 8:20ish I finished. (Why? Becuase it's the final day of June, and I was not going to have to add this one to my July reading post over June also, I might be a bit crazy). Fun side note I enjoyed not one but two slices of lemon cake while reading which is rather fitting if you know what I mean.  

I could sing the praises of this book for hours and days and months. To be honest, I have for years! I consider this one of the best finale books ever written. Often, authors build the expectations for a final battle or final adventure only for it to miss the mark and fall a little flat on the landing. Winter doesn't disappoint!! 

Cinder and crew make it to Luna, and from there, it is non-stop struggle to get to the happily ever after moment. However while we trapse through the revolution of an entire nation we also navigate the story of Snow White (now Winter) and her loyal guard (you remeber the mildly annoying brooding one from Cress? Yup he's back) and although there are moments between them I enjoy there is also a lot about their relationship that just isn't my favorite.

I am however glad to report that Cress and Thorne continue to be the lights of my life and truly Thorne's character development is *chefs kiss*. Every character fights and sacrifices, and no one walks always unscathed, but in true fairytale fashion we all make it to their happily ever after moment. 

Truly, Marissa does an excellent job wrapping up the loose ends and finishing the story in a way that feels satisfying while also allowing those who feel the need to add their own additions for their much loved characters.

My sister and I read several of these books together and if you want reviews based on the plot not just vibes I would recommend you check her post here 

Strawberry top syrup

I use a lot of strawberries in my baking, and for a long time I've wanted to waste less. So I discovered you could make strawberry syrup from just the tops of the strawberries that are often tossed. 

So, despite being anything but a food/recipe blogger here I am to share my "recipe". 

Step one: get a large pot and add in all the strawberry tops (I typically freeze mine and collect them so I can make a big batch all at once).

Then add enough water to just barely cover them. 

Then bring the tops and water to a gentle boil (maybe a simmer idk). Cook for 10-15 minutes. While cooking,g I mash the tops against the sides of the pot to try and break them down more. 

After cooking, the berry tops will have lost color, but the smell will be strong of strawberries. 

Step two: it's time to strain! 

I use a large glass container that also measures the liquid contents. While straining mash the tops to squish out all the juices, then set aside to toss or compost. 

Step 3: Measure the liquid; you will use that measurement for the sugar to add. My liquid measured about 5 1/2 C. So that's how much sugar I used. 

Add all the sugar and strawberry liquid back into the pot (I don't rinse the pot. I just make sure there aren't any leaves or anything left behind in the pot). 

The liquid will look more glossy with the sugar you are gonna bring this to a gentle boil (if you have a thermometer somewhere around 200°f and 215°f) and cook 10-15 minutes. I usually ditch the whisk at this point (it just adds more bubbles to the syrup) in favor of a good rubber spatula. 

Once the time is reached, you want to remove the pot from the heat. At this point, you're done! You can package it however you choose- I went ahead and canned mine with a steam bath. 

I got four pints worth of syrup.

Once opened, it does have to be refrigerated and is good for several months (if it lasts that long). 

Now you have your syrup! Go forth and use in all the ways! Here are some ideas:

•Mix with water and lemon juice to make strawberry lemonade

•Use in tea or mocktails 

•Delicious on pancakes or waffles

•On top of ice cream or drizzled over other desserts. 

Fathers day grief

There was a time I was incredibly spoiled with the comfort of feeling not much of anything on fathers day. It was a day and if I got to show a little extra TLC and kindness to my Dad that was great. 

But time and choices have changed a lot of things. Now I spend my fathers day baking pies for my church family and then driving home from church early- often in tears becuase of all the grief.

I think most people can understand the feelings of grief around fathers day. Those who have fathers that died or live far away. But there's also a grief in not having a close relationship to a father. Grief in how a fathers choices has caused hurt that hasn't healed. Grief in what was but isn't anymore. Grief that the rose colored glasses are gone and you can no longer excuse things. Grief as you see loving fathers interacting with their children and feel this pang of longing. 

In my case there's also a sense of guilt. That somehow I'm wrong or bad or the problem for not "forgiving" or "moving on". The truth is I have a great deal of compassion and pity for my father. I can see and acknowledge his hurts and the issues of his family and how incredibly unfair that was for him. But the problem is that all the hurt he's caused and taken little accountability for has made excusing his behavior near impossible. Yet still that voice taunts and judges that I am wrong and selfish and cruel to still feel this way to still struggle not to be angry at his actions and to still be hurt by his choices. 

The truth is I don't hate my father. If I did I think many of my feelings would be much more manageable. I do love him and I want more than anything to have a loving healthy relationship with him. But I'm not sure I believe that will ever happen, at least not in this life. So here I sit... sad and alone in a pew feeling my feelings and wishing today was already over.