I think I'm broken and I hate it. Happiness makes me nervous and I'm always waiting for the world to end. I'm reaching to control myself and my feelings and every thought and action of the entire world all the time. I can't and I know that. I know being anxious about good and hopeful things is ridiculous. I know that wanting to control things I can't doesn't work. I know all these things but still I sit in the hamster wheel a never ending circle of torment unable to get off. My mind tells me "calm down" my body seizes and I'm holding it together with tape and hours long phonecalls and thin smiles and fake all of it fake. 

The hardest part? Hard to say maybe it's that part of me thinks that what good I bring to the table, what I offer a situation can't be enough when this mess is constantly spilling over. I think you deserve better and I want to tell you that. Part of me whats to drive you away because you have already faced trail and struggle and deserve something easy, something good. Another voice inside me whispers the belief that you can see past the mess and the hamster wheel and the anxious smiles and know that it will be worth it or you'll decide you want it anyway. But the fear is louder. She stands on the roof and shouts that you'll realize you'll see the mess and the stress and just walk away and even though it would make me sad I wouldn't blame you... because part of me even wants you to. But that little voice, she's calling out "please stay."