Lonely, I'm mister Lonely.

Being the youngest at the gastro is always interesting. Being checked in too, people always kinda squint at you.... it's just too weird. But anyways not about that. 

Let's talk about loneliness and friendship. I am a lone lonely loner. And it's been a little rough lately. I have literally like 1 friend in this area beyond my family. Which is fine by me but also makes me, maybe a little codependant on her friendship. 

Here's the thing I've been blown off so many times and recently it's been like a weekly accourance. The hard part is for some of the blow off it's been not my choice but somehow still blamed on me. 

The straw that broke the camel's back? Today I had asked to hang out and instead of saying she can't she just didn't respond until I hear from my brother that infact he is hanging out with her today. Ouch! Whelp, this doesn't feel so good. 

It's hard feeling like a substitute person in my friendships. It's hard to feel alone and want someone to love and support you, but it feels like there's no one. I mean I have my family and I love that. They are super supportive and kind and I love them. But sometimes I want someone outside my family to care about me. 

I think it's part of being single honestly. There comes a time when, after being single for a few years, you start to think that maybe there just is no one. You're gonna be a single and a lonely for always. I know that's not realistic and probably not true but boy oh boy it feels that way. There's a lot of insecurities about my desirability from living with a chronic illness. Sometimes I think it's better I stay alone because then I never drag anyone down with me. 

Well.... I'm just venting and trying to process my loneliness. I'm sure I'll be posting again before you know it but.. until then thanks for listening.