Love Letter to a Stranger

Dear Hot Neighbour,

In the desperate attempt to find you I send out this post. Like smoke signals into the sky from the midst of a forest. Will it ever reach you? Probably (and hopefully) not cause that would be embarrassing... Hahaha 😅 

I've seen you exactly 4 times. The first you were mowing the lawn *swoon* I accidentally drove by twice, it wasn't because I was creeping (I'm serious I forgot something at home and had to go back) but I did enjoy the second look. The next time I saw you I was biking with my Mom. You walked past and we smiled and waved at each other and the customary "Hi" was mumbled. The final time I saw you, I walked by (again with my Mom) you were talking to some neighbours and loving on their puppy. This time we made eye contact, I broke it first I was embarrassed.... but I felt like I was walking on air knowing you'd noticed me. 

I haven't seen you since, but it's been warm so most people having been hiding indoors. I mean, maybe you went back to wherever you came from. I'm kinda hoping there's a chance we'll run into one another again. Afterall we live on the same block so it's possible. But what would it matter if we did, if all I do is watch you from afar? 

Here's my promise mystery hot neighbour, if you show up in my life again. If we're passing by and I see you, If you're outside as I walk by... I'll say something to you. More than the mumbled "Hi" I'll introduce myself maybe try to make a joke. I can promise it'll be awkward. I can promise I'll be embarrassed. But I'll do it! Because I'm learning that in life and in love if you're never brave enough to take the chance and run the risk of failing you'll never succeed. 

Well hot Neighbour, thank you for existing on my block. I really meant what I said, you have inspired me to be a little bolder and a little braver. 

Until we meet again,

Love your *not a stalker* neighbour 

An open letter to a BFF

Dear Friend,

Our friendship sure isn't perfect. I don't expect it to be. But it's good. It's the greatest blessing in my life. After all the time we've know each other I feel more like sisters than friends. I don't know how to tell you every part of what I feel. I am just so grateful to be you're friend and to have you in my life. 

You've changed me in ways you couldn't imagine. I think of you a dozen times throughout the day. Between the inside jokes and all the little things that bring you to my mind. I've learned how to love from you. I've learned how to serve and care about people. I wouldn't be who I am without you. 

Sometimes I forget you're not perfect. I forget you have other friends and can't spend all your time with me. I forget sometimes.... but I never forget how much you mean to me. I never forget the good times we've had together. I never forget the laughter between us and the safety of you're hugs. I can't forget the inside jokes and special memories. I may forget the important dates or events in you're life.... I guess sometimes I forget I'm not perfect either. 

I'm lonely without you. I miss you when you blow off or don't reach out. But I soar sky high when you text me or get me flowers. I know you're busy but it hurts me... Sometimes I feel less like a best friend and more like a backup friend. I feel forgotten by you, by everyone. I know I'm exhausting to be around... I'm sorry. I know I'm sensitive and emotional. I know I'm a mess right now. But I have feelins and needs.... and honestly they don't feel met. It hurts, but then again I guess sometimes friendship hurts. 

I'm gonna try to be more patient with you. I'll try to remember that you have you're own life and it doesn't make you love me less. I'll stop complaining about expectations that go unmet. I'll try to be better, kinder and more loving.... and hopefully things will get better. If not... well I love you anyway and I'm not giving up on us. 

Love a friend. 

Lonely, I'm mister Lonely.

Being the youngest at the gastro is always interesting. Being checked in too, people always kinda squint at you.... it's just too weird. But anyways not about that. 

Let's talk about loneliness and friendship. I am a lone lonely loner. And it's been a little rough lately. I have literally like 1 friend in this area beyond my family. Which is fine by me but also makes me, maybe a little codependant on her friendship. 

Here's the thing I've been blown off so many times and recently it's been like a weekly accourance. The hard part is for some of the blow off it's been not my choice but somehow still blamed on me. 

The straw that broke the camel's back? Today I had asked to hang out and instead of saying she can't she just didn't respond until I hear from my brother that infact he is hanging out with her today. Ouch! Whelp, this doesn't feel so good. 

It's hard feeling like a substitute person in my friendships. It's hard to feel alone and want someone to love and support you, but it feels like there's no one. I mean I have my family and I love that. They are super supportive and kind and I love them. But sometimes I want someone outside my family to care about me. 

I think it's part of being single honestly. There comes a time when, after being single for a few years, you start to think that maybe there just is no one. You're gonna be a single and a lonely for always. I know that's not realistic and probably not true but boy oh boy it feels that way. There's a lot of insecurities about my desirability from living with a chronic illness. Sometimes I think it's better I stay alone because then I never drag anyone down with me. 

Well.... I'm just venting and trying to process my loneliness. I'm sure I'll be posting again before you know it but.. until then thanks for listening. 

Free thoughts on World events

Anyone feeling like it's the end of the world? Just me, okay. Alright alright, and of the world might be a little extreme. But with the way things are right now it's definitely how I'm feeling somedays. In the course of what? 3 months maybe the world has been completely flipped on its head. It's a lot to try and handle right now. 

I'm not going to rehash the issues on the table right now. If you're interested or unaware find a reliable news site and educate yourself. Until we know what's happening in the world and develop our own beliefs, opinions and ideas on the issues we really can't get past just acknowledging there's a problem. 

So today in my attempts to unravel everything going on I decided to visit with my cousin, she is half African American, I just wanted to try and understand her point of view. I wanted to know her feelings and I was serisouly hoping to get some sort of direction about what I'm supposed to do from here. 

Here's about how successful our conversation was:

Okay it was more successful than that. But boy oh boy did that feel #relatable. 

Here's a few of the conclusions and thoughts I got during our conversation that I felt should be passed on:

1. There is no easy solution. Most of us (or maybe just some of us... just me? Okay) want someone to just tell us what we should be doing to fix this. The hard truth is this is a complex and multi-layered issue there isn't a clear answer to help everyone. But I have come up with a simple 2 step program to solve this little issue: 

     •First examine yourself. Ask yourself the hard questions! Do I judge people who a different than I am? Do I judge someome off what they look like, what they're wearing or what someone said about them? Do I have beliefs or ideas that cause harm to others? Am I kind? It's only through honest self examinations we can determine who we truly are. And make necessary changes! It won't be easy but I beleive it is possible and the only way to change the world is through changing and improving ourselves. 

     •Second we must seek wisdom from someone greater than ourselves. For me that would be God. Maybe you believe in another spiritual guidance or universe or whatever. But I believe we have a God who loves us and want's to help us. If we ask Him, willing to act on our answers, who we should be, how we should live and how we can help heal the world we will get an answer. No matter the answer we need to be willing to act on it! That's the only way this will be possible. 

2. We all have a voice and we all have something we can share. It's easy to feel like what we say won't make a difference or like no one cares about our thoughts and feelings. Not true my friends! You have a unique view of the world and it is needed. Don't devalue what you beleive and feel because you're not a POC or because you're still learning. If you feel inspired to share do it, and if you don't feel comfortable or ready or knowledgeable enough that's okay too. There are other options than spouting your ideas and agree with the injustice in the world. This blog from my sister did a great job discussing another option for those unsure what to do right now. 

3. We need to cultivate a society of tolerance. The most important thing to fighting racism, sexism, abuse, mental illness and any other virus in the world is the ability to openly and honestly discuss it. My cousin did a beautiful job writing some of her thoughts and feelings online and she told me that she had spent a good half an hour writing and revising her post and she removed an entire paragraph because she didn't want to "stir the pot" too much. This is an incredibly difficult topic to discuss, and feelings are definitely running high at the moment. But we have to be able to discuss our feelings and beliefs with others free of fear of judgment or offence. I'm not saying it's easy but until we can openly discuss the issues of today we will never have the power to change them. 

4. Finally there is hope. There is more that unites us than divides us. Believe in love. Learn to forgive. Don't give up on the world. You can make a difference on the planet. Most importantly you are not accountable for the sins of your parents or your race. There is good and bad in every person. Be the best you can be today and go forward open and willing to be better than you were yesterday. And always, be kind everybody. 

Friends or Friend zone?

Alright let's just clear the air the friend zone is 1. Not an actual thing and 2. If you feel you have been placed in the "friend zone" you need to re-examine you're definition of friends. Okay maybe that's a little harsh. I'm sorry. Heartbreak is hard and crushing on someone who isn't into you the same way kills. 

Alright so story time!! I'm going to talk about Mr X (since we don't want to harm confidentiality on this blog) so Mr X and I met while I was serving my mission. I found out from one of him friends that he had a crush on me, awkward, but you manage it. He asked me to write him after I went home and he left on his mission. So he left and I wrote him, as promised. Why? Well because I wanted to be nice plus he was an okay guy. I wasn't like an every week emailed by any means. But I wrote him often enough. Then just before he came home he started messaging me over Facebook. Long story short we started talking pretty frequently. A few weeks after he got home (just around Valentine's day) he expressed his feelings for me. I wasn't sure how to respond so i just said honestly that I wasn't clear on my feelings and felt we needed to get to know one another (without one of us being a missionary). He agreed and we continued to talk. He discussed the possibility of coming to visit me, we figured we should probably video call before that. So we started the occasional video call. 

At this point I was really trying to determine my feelings. I was discussing it with friend and family. And honestly I just didn't feel any spark. I really felt like after 3 years if a spark was gonna happen it would've happened by this point. So I decided to prevent hurt feels and sad hearts so I told him what I was feeling. I tried to be kind and I expressed the fact that above all I just didn't want to hurt him and wanted to stay friends. His response was curt and frank: his only interest in me was romantic, he had only worked on our friendship in the plans of it become a relationship and since I wasn't interested he was no longer going to make an effort. 

He has held true to his words. Since this last exchange it has been 3 weeks. We haven't spoken. We went from daily to nothing. I'll be honest it took me a while to be ready to talk about this. I was hurt, not because I'd secretly fallen for him, but because for 3 years I had invested in our friendship. Not because I wanted anything out of it beyond just that friendship. It hurt to think that he had no real sincere interest in me. It was like reverse freind zone... relationship zone and when I didn't agree in was dropped. The end. 

Listen friends don't lead someone on like this. Don't be interested in someone only until you get what you want. This is selfishness and entitlement. Let's see if I can make this a little more simple don't be a Dickhead!!! Yup that's right. Friendships are work and they take effort. You can't go into them expecting something from it. Friendship is about love and trust and support. If you're luck enough to talk in love with your best friend then good for you. If not, you're friendship should be able exist beyond that. 

Listen, just be kind okay? Treat people the way you want to be treated. If you can be kind the world will be a better place. So get on it! 

Heart sick

I'm outside in the middle of a bike ride, fun fact I reached my goal (of a few years haha😅) and finally biked all the way to the Library (YAY! Insert mild happy dance), but my heart is just to heavy to wait any longer. I have words and feelings just swirling around my mind and heart. If they don't get out I don't know what I'll do. 

The world is such a dark place right now. The pandemic, the loneliness, murders and riots.... there is just so much... so so much. In my own life there is confusion and heartache. Hurt feelings and misunderstandings. I just feel so beyond empty and lost and... And I don't know what to do. 

I don't know why there is so much darkness in the world. I just know it hurts. It hurts so much. I just hurt so much. (That's probably why I'm bleeding again... when the world gets too heavy the best way to deal is obviously to attack yourself internally *please note intense sarcasm*) That's not to say my suffering or sadness diminishes the suffering and sadness of other people. But it does suck that's for sure. (Frankly it sucks for everyone so... there's that) It really sucks.... And I feel so alone facing it. 

This post has no point. No cheer up moment when I point out the bright side and the blessings. This is just me right now saying my heartaches.... I hope the pain is lessened soon.... I hope the darkness gets a little brighter.... I hope you're hurt heals too. Until then, welcome to the life sucks club. 

A Word of Caution

I was planning to write this tomorrow, Saturday, morning. It is currently midnight and because of how it was pressing on my mind emotionally I decided I had better start right away. 

Recently I've been reminded of the fact that words hurt. I feel like you can't  hardly get on YouTube without someone getting called out for something they've said, cancel culture is huge right now. But even more close to home I've recently had an experienced that drove this matter right into my heart. During this pandemic many of us have been pretty homebound. My brother came over one night and I flippantly made a comment about him having "moobs." To me it was a joke, he also laughed and joked about needing to get back in shape. That was that, or so I thought. He did begin working out quite a bit and when he came over a while later he brought it up again. Still in the laughing tones but he talked about how that comment was the straw that broke the camel's back. That he felt he was getting "fat" and needed to change, all because of one thoughtless comment from his big sister. I was very upset and tried to back peddle. He then clarified that it goes back to his childhood, when he was 10 or so and was carrying a lot of babyfat before his growth spurt (he's over 6ft today), and the comments from his BEST FRIENDS calling him a little fatty, or saying that he's their chubby friend and making fun of his weight. He has never forgotten, it had hurt him and a single comment from me brought back all those insecurities. 

You know the old adage: "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me." Guess what? This is a lie! Words have the power to have as much emotional, physical and psychological damage as a well thrown punch. As we see with my little brother. So why do we tell ourselves that words can't hurt us? I think partially why is because then we can justify the things WE say. Because well, words can't hurt so if what I say upsets someone it's their problem. This saying removes my responsibility for the words I say and the affect they have on people. One of the the hardest parts in all this is that each of us can and have been the victim and the perpetrator. We've said things that have lasting negative impact and we've been told thing that have had a lasting impact on us in a harmful way. I am no exception from this; here are some quick examples that come to mind:

When I was about 10 or so I remember going to my Grandmas and as we drove we had the windows down and my hair obviously got pretty messed up. All of my life, up until about a year ago actually, I have had bangs. So you can probably imagine the extent of my bad hair day. I went downstairs to my cousins, who at the time because of certain situations in my life were my only friends. And I was immediately made fun of. They called me  mullet bangs and everyone laughted about what I looked like. Now I kept my bangs, I felt too insecure without them, for a long time despite this. But I never forgot and I never ever let myself be seen having a bad bang day again. 

Another more recent example happend on my mission. Sadly on my misson I had quite a few experiences where people said unkind things to me. And it affected my self esteem in a huge and deeply harmful way. The hardest part is the unkind things said often came from members or companions, people I deeply cared about. Here is just one experiences; I had a dear companion after I had hit half way. (Over 9 months on my mission) She and I would often sing together. I love to sing, although I have never had vocal training it just makes me happy. One Sunday this sister and I were doing studies and she was very upset about something. When we got to companion study I was trying to understand why she was upset and help her. After we had prayed and while sitting on the floor, she was weeping and I begged her to explain why she was so upset. This is what she told me: you sing so loudly at church and you sing off key, it hurts my ears and upsets me. I was shocked! I quickly apologized and told her I would really try to sing more quietly. We moved on, later that night I cried in the shower about it. A few weeks later after church I quietly asked her if my singing was less upsetting because I had been really trying to sing quietly. Not only did she seem surprised that I remembered she quickly tried to blow it off. I have never forgotten. I still love to sing, I even get myself to sing in the church choir. But I will never offer to sing a solo. I cannot accept complements on my singing because fankly once someone tells you you're singing is painful you assume everyone else is just being nice. 

There's more examples from my life, I have no doubt you could think of your fair share of examples. In the name of humour, or when we're upset, or just not thinking words are spoken that are not okay. Unkind comments are not okay just because we say them in a joke. They are not okay just because we say them online, faceless and nameless, in the comment section. Our words are as powerful as any stone we could throw. Maybe next time you are about to say something unkind to someone just throw a rock at them instead, then the damage is done. (Okay that was sarcasm please please don't throw rocks at people!!) Most of us are good people with only good intentions. But we all need to think before we speak, we can't be perfect but we can do our best to be kind. 

Please, please remember to be kind. That your words have power, so you need to choose them carefully. Because just like unkind and hurtful words can last forever so can loving and kind ones. You can choose right now, choose to do no harm in word or deed. And when you fail, be quick and sincere in your apology! Forgives and healing comes through the Master, the only one who is sinless and able to throw stones, but who won't. He will heal broken hearts, yours and those you've broken. Don't despair in your weakness or unkindness, just resolve to be better. Be kind everyone. Just be kind.