His name is GS (stands for German shepherd because those are his favorite dogs, what you thought I'd be crazy enough to use his real name?) We started casually talking during the first shutdown this year. I connected with him on Mutual however that wasn't actually how we first met. See GS is in my stake so I'd seen him several times at different YSA activities. He was always very nice and fun to be around but there wasn't like insane infatuation going on, though there was some casual flirting. Anyway we started talking online and it was pretty casual just get to know you type things didn't really go anywhere. We stopped talking then jump forward a few months and randomly I decide to reach out again. We start talking this time things are different he asks if I'd want to go out sometime I quickly agree and then nothing. So I get a little forward and nudge us into our first date the date took place in September, we went on our second date in October and I asked him on a 3rd but he got sick and had to cancel this past weekend we finally cross the 3rd date line.
On this 3rd date among other things we cuddled and before he left I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek he returned it and then I immediately felt sick to my stomach. This has happened before after moments of intimacy (cuddles, hand holding, thoughts of kissing on the lips) its a real buzz-killer. That evening he and I DTRed over messenger (for those not of the text speech generation DTR means define the relationship). We agreed to keep seeing each other and creep into bf/gf territory i.e. he said I could introduce/refer to him as my bf but he wanted to move real slow like. Okay great whatever. However the same nauseous feeling returned. This has happened before too.
With my only other attempt at a bf after we had cuddled and such I felt like we'd crossed some lines relationship wise and might be straying bf/gf area (to be fair we, specifically he, were both a bit younger and I didn't want to make things too complex at the point). Anyways the sick feeling came and after making some pretty serious ground rules it went away. However my feelings changed.... right as we should be getting closer than ever I was doing everything I could to push him away. I didn't reply to his messages, I was critical, I wasn't open with him about my feelings, it was a mess. For so long I'd blamed those issues on the fact that during this time I was also dealing with a chronic illness diagnosis and life was pretty bleak and messy. So I'd always brushed away those mental emotional issues.
The thing is right after GS and I DTRed I suddenly felt sick the next time he called me sweetheart and my desire to message him has lessened, that not to say I don't thin about him I do! A lot actually. But I don't want to reply right away and I don't do as much to keep conversations going. So I've decided something is wrong but what?
Well after some googling and article reading I realized I might have a fear of intimacy (not to be confused with a fear of sex although that may very well be an issue as well and can be a part of this). I did an physc assessment to a track your FIS (fear of intimacy) levels after scoring it my score was 127 for some perspective the lowest score you can get is 35 and the highest is 175. The US average score? Between 80-90. Yup.... I think I have a problem alright.
Thankfully I have a therapy session on Monday and this will definitely be a topic of discussion let me tell you what! Here's the thing though they talked about reasons why someone would have high levels of FIS and a lot of them came back to trauma and abuse, which I have been blessed never to truly experience. But then they talked about Soca Anxiety and fear of judgment oh... oh dang... hit that one right on the head. So what do I do? I don't know... obviously therapy haha.
Some other things reccomend in the articles I read was practicing self compassion something I am focusing on right now and reading a book about as well. Also addressing and working with the inner critic (mine is loud and very present) and she's something I've been working on with my therapist as well. Another thought? Talking about these things with your partner, don't leave them in the dark haha yeah no thanks. Let's not dump all the crazy on GS right now. But maybe I should idk... it's so scary though!! I did feel like I should talk about it though and so I figured I'd write this and maybe it would help. It sorta did... at least I have all these thoughts and feelings out of my head.
Well until next time I guess... thanks for listening. Wishing you love and happiness going forward!
P.s. here are some links to the articles I read and the assessment I took:
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