Tips for a Successful I.V. treatment

When I was first diagnosed with UC my doctor reccomened the standard pill treatment. I took 3 to 4 horse pills everyday while also taking prednisone to try and get things under control. However as we ended the prednisone treatment the UC symptoms increased again. Obviously we could've kept me on prednisone but for the safety of my family and the world as a whole we decided instead to change medications all together. I started an I.V. medication Remicade and I've been on it since. 

You may have some questions about all this so let me briefly explain how things work. I schedule my I.V. appointment through my Drs office and on the scheduled day I arrive at my local hospital. After checking in and getting my wrist band I go to outpatient short stay. They get me checked in and in a room. A standard room has a little reliner for me to sit in as well as a few chairs for others and all the equipment needed by the nurses to perform my procedure. Then they check my weight (the medications quantity is based off of weight and they mix it up in the hospital pharmacy) and do my vitals. Then the nurse gives me my pre-meds (Tylenol and benadryl) to help with any side-effects from the medication. And they get an I.V. in my hand. Once the medication arrive they hook everything up and I hang out for a few hours while the bag of meds empty. Once that's done they remove the I.V. and send me home. Ta-da! Now that you know the jist of the experience you can better appreciate my 10 tips for an I.V. treatment. 

1. Dress comfy! (And warm) Sounds weird but honestly go in PJs, bring the slippers, and above all don't choose fancy outfits that require lots of clasping and stuff! You are having huge amounts of fluids pumped directly into your blood stream you'll be using the bathroom a lot. Also ask for those warm blankets! They are a godsend and sooooo nice. 

2. Just like with an airplane, download your media entertainment before hand. You will want to watch a movie or read a book or listen to music. However in my experience hospital free WiFi isn't the greatest so download ahead of time to save your data and have better streaming in the moment. 

3. Bring a friend. Before Covid-19 I always asked a friend or family member to drive me. I usually feel pretty sleepy afterwards and it gives me someone to talk to. That's not to say you can't go by yourself and be just fine but it's nice to not be alone. 

4. Be an advocate for yourself!! I cannot stress this enough! If you know which hand you like the I.V. in tell them nurses! If you want apple juice to drink instead of water ask for it. Don't be a "Karen" or anything but speak up for yourself and take care of yourself. Your future self will be grateful for your courage. 

5. Use lidocaine! Lidocaine is the numbing medication that they can put in your hand before the I.V. to help with any pain or discomfort. USE IT!! You will be more comfortable and less anxious if you know its not gonna hurt. And when necessary be a self advocate and ask for it from your nursing staff. 

6. Be okay with napping. Benadryl makes me sleepy but even if it didn't you get bored sitting in a little room. Let yourself rest I.V.s aren't easy and your body needs you to take care of yourself. Don't come into your I.V. with a huge to-do list (unless you can be forgiving if you don't get it done) just allow yourself the time to relax and rest. 

7. Get to know the staff. You will have I.Vs anywhere from every 6 weeks to every 8. Get to know these people, try to remember them and their lives. It makes the experience nicer to feel like you're going to visit some friends instead of being sick at a hospital. 

8. Go easy on yourself after the I.V. don't make plans for that evening. Don't over use your hands and don't be surprised if it takes a few days for you to feel 100% again. Be patient with yourself! 

9. Expect it to not go well sometimes. Sometimes the I.V. isn't gonna go in well. Sometimes the medications will take longer to get from the pharmacy. Sometimes it's gonna hurt more than others. Sometimes you'll get giant bruises. This is all OKAY!!! For every time it doesn't go well there will be 3 times it does. Also be patient as the staff and you get used to things it's gonna take a few visits to find your rhythm. 

10. Find something to be grateful for. Sounds silly and sorta unrelated, but if you can find something to be grateful for you will find joy. There is some much you have been given and remembering that will keep you kind and happy. Life is hard, this might be hard too. But don't give up! 

What did I learn?

Story time; my brother and I decided what we wanted more than anything for dinner was eggs rolls! Yum!! We know a great local place and they make the best egg rolls, I'm literally drooling just thinking about it. However I, in my infinite wisdom, decided we could not just eat egg rolls and therefore would run to the store and buy some noodles to go with them. As we were leaving the store it was raining, no problem there I love a little rain. I hurried to the car and after getting in the door I realized to my ultimate horror that I had lost my actual key, my key to start the car, the car that would allow us to leave the store. I immediately tried to think back to where and when I had my keys, certain I'd had them before checking out I ran back inside to retrace my steps. I was becoming more panicked as I hurried through isles and looked along the floor and under edges of shelves. No dice, nothing to be found. I began to pray, something to the affect of Heavenly Father I really, really actually need help. I don't have any other solution, there isn't an easy answer or different solution. I need my keys to get home, to work, to use my car. I need help now more than before. As I was heading back outside feeling fear and doubt I looked to the ground (still anxiously searching for my keys) and saw a penny, now for those who know that's a bit of a big deal for me. Then I walked further and there was another penny and another. Those pennys led me right out the door with the ultimate usurance that God had heard my prayer, He was answering me and I knew without doubt that I was loved and not alone. After walking out the door I immediately saw my brother who was called out to me, he had found my key.  

This experience has been pressing on my heart and my thoughts and here is what I think I needed to learn or relearn from this: 

1. God doesn't often answer my prayers how I would expect or exactly as I asked. If my prayer had been answered as I expected I would've finished praying and then looking on the ground I would've seen my key directly in front of me and all would be well. I would've left and forgotten the whole experience.

2. God does answer prayers! Mine and yours! I was reminded that God does answer me; sometimes quickly (in moments of desperate need) but other times slowly or seemingly not at all. In those moments I often feel that He's simply shut the door and I'm on my own. In my head I know that's wrong but in my heart its just how I feel. This was an important reminder that not only am I heard I'm answered. 

3. The most important answer that we can receive from Him is a reminder of His love. That's what those penny's were. It was a quite moment were I knew God has seen me, and He love me. Flaws and all. I'm grateful to know that. 

So that's what I learned, hopefully you've learned something too.

Anxiety what now?

Anxiety has been a part of my life probably since childhood I just wasn't as aware of it as I am now. After yesterday's blog post and experience I've decided to break down some common experiences for those with anxiety. And xplain what on earth I'm talking about when I say anxeity spiral. 

What is a panic attack? In a panic attack your mind literally goes into fight or flight mode, you fear for your life and any sense of rationality is gone. Often it affects your breathing and there are other physical symptoms specific to each individual. The biggest thing that sets a panic attack apart from an anxiety attack is there isn't a known stressor causing it. You might be out for ice cream with friends when you have one, or you might be just about to go to bed. Whereas with an anxiety attack you can usually find the cause after some looking. I don't think I've ever had a true panic attack. I have seen a dear friend have one though. And the experience is something I'll never forget. The pain she was feeling, the deep powerful emotions. It was a moment where I felt so powerless to help. It was killing me. She was and still is an incredible woman and I admire her so much. 

An anxiety attack can be similar in symptoms to a panic attack. However it is less severe. It also has a clear cause, some sort or form of stressor that when you have a clear head and can examine the situation you can find. Another difference is that with a panic attack they are usually quite sudden and out of the blue whereas an anxiety attack usually builds in intensity over a period of time. An anxiety attack can hit its peak at any time, like a panic attack. Usually once the stressor is dealt with the anxiety attack is lessened or leaves all together. With panic attacks they tend to just stick with the person throughout their life. 

An anxiety spiral, as I refer to it, is when my anxiety spikes quite suddenly in response to a stress in my life. It usually includes some distorted thinking, some physical responses (crying, heart racing, etc), and a very very loud inner critic having a go at me. They come and go depending on triggers, sometimes (like with yesterday) it's a very obvious mistake or change in my life. Other times it could just be discussing future events or attempting to plan and figure out lives next step. I usually can snap out of them pretty quickly and can address whatever emotions and thoughts were brought up and move right on along. Sometimes (like yesterday) it's harder to break the pattern and get back on track. Sometimes when they are really bad they leave me drained and feeling blah for the rest of the day (like yesterday's).

Even though an anxiety spiral isn't a real term or something another person might use it helps me to refer to it that way. Why? Well it helps me disassociate with my anxiety to recognize it was a moment in my day and I can move past it. It also helps me explain it to another person (usually family) that I wasn't rational or thinking because my anxiety brain had taken hold. 

Anxiety is different for everyone. We experience it differently. We understand it differently. Our symptoms, triggers and overall responses are vastly different. This illness is completely unique to each individual who struggles with it. So it's important to ask respectful and kind questions when you don't understand someone. It's important to be open and honest with those you love about your experience so that they can understand. If I've learned anything it's that going alone to face this dragon isn't easy and it's okay to ask for help. 

Better or worse?

Tonight while walking the dog my brother made a passing comment that my mental illness was worse because I'd admitted to it, "Denial," he said, "is the key to success." Is he right? Are my issues worse because I have admitted my defeat and sought help? If that's the case why admit to the problem? 

Why would alcoholics anonymous have one of their first steps be "admit you have a problem"? 

I wonder if perhaps we're wrong in thinking the problem is made worse by admitting there is a problem to begin with. Perhaps our open eyes simply see the problem, maybe for the first time we really see that yup this is in fact a problem. Who knew? 

I do think my anxiety has been more apparent since I've started therapy but that's because I'm more aware of it. For example:

Today I realized I'd been working an extra half hour in my new job. Oops! Not a huge deal, it's only been for a few weeks and only 2 days a week at that. Certainly not the end of the world, no reason to crumble or destroy ourselves. However I quickly succumbed to an anxiety spiral that was pretty severe. I cried, I screamed, I was angry with myself. Convinced of my own stupidity, my failures, I was a horrible employee, I could do nothing right and it was definitely the end of the world as we know it. 

Would I have responded that way regardless of if I am in therapy. Yes ma'am I would've. So what's the difference? Well this time I realized even as I was spiraling that that's exactly what I was doing. I knew, even as I struggled to challenge them, that my thoughts were very distorted. I knew that my inner critic was running rampant but it was wrong. I am not a failure because I failed. I am a good person, good employee and yeah, I'm human, so what? Before I started therapy I would've simple accepted defeat because I had no reason to see any problem with how I was treating myself. I wouldn't have questioned it and certainly wouldn't have challenged it. 

That's the point of admitting to your problems. You can see them with both eyes open and act when they show their little faces. Just like a diabetic can't deny their way out of high bloodsugar without some insulin. You can just deny yourself into a healthy mental state, a lack of anxiety or freedom from depression. Sure you can push it to the side to get through the next shift at work or feeding your family dinner but that doesn't solve the problem. The only way to overcome it, to heal your heart and mind is to get help. 

Now I do understand not everyone who has mental illness seeks therapy. For some medications or exercise or whatnot is all the treatment they need. But for those who seek it therapy can be a wonderful way to work through some of your problems and get the help we all need to manage life. So yes I'm in therapy, I admit I have a problem with anxiety. But I'm not defeated. Right now I am okay and everyday I'm a little bit better. That's all I can ask of myself and that's all you should expect from yourself or others. Tomorrow is a new day and there will be good in it if you look for it. 

Pumpkins

Let's talk about crafting and pumpkins, basically the two best parts of fall! 😍 Sometimes you just need to go to a craft store and make something. Today's project was a cute Plaid Pumpkins!! 

Step 1: Gather supplies 

These were the types of craft pumpkins I was able to find. Pretty cheap and a good overall shape. I think having a pumpkin with pretty defined pumpkin shape is important for this project since you will be covering it with plenty of fabric! 

Other supplies you'll need? 

I used fabric glue as well as a hot glue gun. Then find a fabric of your choice. I went with this cute fall plaid from JoAnns. My sister helped pick it out and honestly it was the first fabric I saw. #score. I only bought a yard but was able to do 2 large pumpkins and 3 small ones with still a little extra fabric. Finally you'll need something to cover the stems, I chose to use some dark brown twine. Also found at a craft store and as you can see there is plenty of extra. I also had some fall leaves in my house from other decorations that I added to the mix to prevent the pumpkins looking too much like I pin cushions. Haha. 

Step 2: Getting started 

Thankfully these are pretty easy. First you want to cut the fabric into a square large enough for each side to be able to reach the center stem of the pumpkin, this allows for full coverage. I also found later that cutting of the point of the corners left you with less extra fabric needing to be trimmed off the stem at the end. 

To glue the fabric on the pumpkin I simply followed the ridges on the pumpkins to place the fabric glue and then pressed the fabric onto it. Adding extra glue as needed to get the shape and coverage you want. Continue all the way around the pumpkin. 

Step 3: The stem

Doing the stem is probably the trickiest part. I used the hot glue gun at this point. And started at the base and slowly wrapped the twine around the stem shape. I didn't get a good picture of this step. My advice would he to go slowly and don't worry if it ends up lumpy or weird you can always go back through and recover areas. For the top I simply added pleantly of glue and then spiraled the twine until the tips were completely covered. 

Step 4: Decorate 

This is where the creative juices can really flow! Feel free to add any cute fixin's to make this pumpkin uniquely your own. For example 

I took some twine and wrapped it around a disposable staw and covered it with the fabric glue allowed it to try and when removed from the paper (pro tip don't use a straw covered in paper 😉)  they stayed all cute and curly a perfect addition to my largest pumpkin. 

For the smaller pumpkins I used only one leaf and found that I could simply glue the twine down in curly forms and it looked just as cute but didn't take as long. At this point I also added the leaves after my brother said they looked like pincushions. 

Step 5: Puke fall cuteness over your entire home

Okay maybe don't puke.... and maybe thats a weird way to say decorate your home with all the cutest fall pumpkins but I'd already had a step say "Decorate" so I couldn't do a repeat. Anyways, at this point I would giving the pumpkins a little time to dry would be good (mine didn't take long and I wasn't worried but if you have nice surfaces you wouldn't want damaged I'd let them fully dry before placing them). Then go nuts! Pumpkins everywhere!!! Make your home the fall kingdom you desire. 

As you can see with my newest additions I am getting quite a little collection of pumpkins. Yay! 😊 

No go forth friends. Create the life you love! Or at least a pumpkin to make you smile. 

Think before you speak

2020 has been the year of social media activism. Literally. From BLM to anything mask related and now the most recent obsession has been Child Trafficing. 

Any form of sex trafficing is absolutely horrific. Porn, strippers/strip clubs, play boy, even the NFL anything that feeds into the sexual industry is shameful. And I would encourage you to take a moment and really think about what you are supporting by your choices. There is no excuse for rape or EVER laying hands on a child in a sexual manor. I have very little forgiveness for individuals who have behaved in such a manor. 

That being said, the big push on social media is that any sexual preditor should be: "shot" "put down like a bad dog" "tossed into wood chippers" Now again, do I feel like pedophiles should have to register, and should be held accountable to the fullest extent of the law for their crimes YES I DO. But I do not believe we should so flippantly discuss ending another human beings life. No matter their crimes. 

Please remember in you're rush of self righteousness that these are human beings. Many of whom have been sexually or physically abused, many have mental disorders and illnesses going untreated. Does that in anyway excuse their actions? Heck no! But before you discuss ending their life think about of you would want to be the one to pull the trigger? Would you like to look in the eye the parents or grandparents of this person (not pedophile PERSON human being) and say that they don't deserve to live and you are going to take their life? 

Should a pedophile be put to death? I don't know. I'm honestly not sure how I feel on the death sentence. Why should I or those in my race, political view or anything else determin who should live or die? I'm not sure I want that responsibility. My point is simply don't be flippantly deeming another person's life unworthy of living. Think before you speak and be educated before you decide on these matters. AND if you're opinions or views change and grow that's good. That means you are changing and growing and therefore still a human. 

If you're looking for more information about the death penalty and other issues in our society I recommend you read Just Mercy. Its an excellent book, it really makes you think. And it takes these issues and makes them real in ways I couldn't imagine. Above all please choose to be kind. 

Addressing the Elephant

Most people would agree there is an elephant in every room. We all have an elephant, it's different for everyone. Let's be honest it'll probably change a few times throughout your life. Today, in this post, I will be addressing mine. 

I feel like I have been defeated by a dragon admitting this... and I know I shouldn't but I do. I have succumbed to my anxiety... I have started therapy and I'm on medication. It's pretty insane and I am almost ashamed by it... okay ashamed isn't the right word... I'm embarrassed or I don't know what the word is. But I do know that I feel weird about this whole situation. 

About a month ago I finally came to the realization that I wasn't okay. That the thoughts I have been having aren't okay, aren't "normal" and are something that can be changed. I realized that I didn't have to feel the way I've been feeling. It was a hard realization to come to, it truly did (still sort of does) feel like failure.  

The realization came slowly. My feelings of failure and inability to move forward in life increased. And yet my health was better than ever, arguably the best it's been in a very long time. But despite that I felt incapable of moving forward, progressing and the idea of it caused a lot of worry. Then something else started to change, I started to really hate myself. I'm not talking about the general self esteem issues I've had most of my life. I'm not talking about a bad hair day or a fat day or anything. I mean I literally found myself so annoying and I just wanted to claw my skin off. The final straw was when I became so overwhelmed not only with my situation but the situation in the world at a whole. The violence, racism, a literal plague, hate and anger, see trafficking, injustice, selfishness and overall suffering that I began feeling like life truly was hopeless... like I would be better off not living at all. 

No let me preference this by saying that I never harmed myself physically nor did I ever feel a desire to do so. I never felt the desire to take my life or anything of that sort. For that I am much more than grateful. I cannot imagine the terror of loosing that side of myself. And I'll be honest I have felt that since my cousins suicide I have a responsibility to my mental health and well being and to protect my family from more heartache caused by mental illness. 

Having a discussion with my Mom about how I'm doing was very humbling. There were many tears... and we decided to get me some help. It wasn't easy it hasn't been easy. But I have found a therapist and I've gotten medication. It's been a new journey one I never really planned on taking. But I am learning to take things a day at a time and to have hope that healing is possible.   

I haven't told a lot of people in fact I haven't even told all my siblings. I don't really feel comfortable discussing this for a number of reasons: I sort of feel like I maxed out my problems docket for, well my entire life, an adding this is just once again me seeking attention and once again having more issues to burden people with. I also feel like this wasn't supposed to be my struggle. I have two incredible siblings who have struggled with their mental health much of their lives and this has in many ways felt like it was their battle. Now I feel like I am hurting them by taking this away from them? Doesn't makes sense and I get that but it feel very valid. And finally I feel so little value in myself and about myself that I don't feel like talking to people. It's much easier, rather lonely though, to fake the smile and ignore it. 

I have a feeling that this will be a long road. I know that healing is possible... or at least a betterment of my situation. I am grateful that there is a way to get help, and I'm willing to do my part (the best I can) to make things better.