An open letter

Dear Marty,

     It's been one whole year since you left us. One year since you lost your fight with mental illness. A year of strangeness and sadness and trying to remember or understand. 

     I hope that you are well up there. I hope you and Grandpa are sitting together watching over us, petting all the dogs up there. Somehow I know that you're not as far away as you may seem. I believe that you have found the peace you couldn't find here. I hope with all my heart that you know just how much we miss you. How much we love you. 

     Marty, this year has been an eye opener for me. I've started therapy, trying to get help with my issues. I've struggled this year, it's been hard-- harder than I ever could've imagined. My mental health has really deteriorated this past year. Anxiety has spiked and suddenly I'm facing depression which is so unfamiliar and scary all at once. 

    I was driving the other day when suddenly I felt like I understood you... I can't imagine just how empty and hopeless you must have been feeling to end your life, to think that was the only option. And yet, dealing with this darkness and weight and sadness it's suffocating some days. I still believe that hope and help is coming... but two years with this, five, ten... I don't know if I could do it. In a way I never expected I finally understood what could've let you to this choice. And oh how it broke my heart. I cried and cried. Oh Marty, dear Marty. I cannot wait to wrap my arms around you and just let you know. I wish I could've been there for you in life more. 

     There's a hundred things I would do differently if I could. Would it change things? I honestly don't know. Would you have let me in if I'd tried? I don't know. But I wish I could've had a second chance. So I am making this my second chance. I promise you that I won't give up this fight. I promise that no one who comes across my path will leave feeling less loved. I am going to love people with all my heart, I am going to listen more and judge less. 

     Marty I am going to remember you and because of you I am going to be better. I love you Marty. I miss you. I'm so grateful you've been a part of my family. Until I see you again my cousin and my friend. 

Xoxo 😘