admitting my problem

Okay y'all I'm depressed. Not like clinically... not on medication for it. But I have a bad case of "blue Christmas" without a doubt. How do I know this? Well....

I am sleeping a lot, I'm like always tried right now. And yes it can be health related also. I'm not motivated to do anything other than lay around in my pjs. Speaking of, I'm not getting dressed or "ready" for my day. I'm so sad and dissatisfied with my life right now. Even in happy moments it's only surface happy, you know? Like I show it but I don't really feel it. I'm sure it's related to the holiday season. 

This is a weird Christmas for me and my family. My sibblings aren't coming home so it's just kinda me and my folks. And it makes me sad and oh the lonely feeling right now. Then there's the whole end of year thing. You ever just feel 'blah' about the past year? Like what have I even done this year?

So basically I think this is very much situational depressed feelings... But they suck and I'm just trying to process so if it's all I write about for the next little bit now you know why. 

I wanted to try and end in a positive spin, yesterday I had a huge emotional breakdown. I was overwhelmed and we has some issues at home and it just became too much. And of course this happened right as my YSA group were all coming over. So needless to say I wasn't in the best place. When I finally went down to join the group I just want really feeling it. But I was doing my best... sorta. I was asked to give the closing prayer at the end and it became pretty obvious to everyone that I wasn't quite in the best place. So then a few sweet and wonderful things happened. 1st one of the guys (who is NOT) a hugger asked me what was up and then after fixing something's he gave me a hug before he left. It was such a huge moment, it really showed he cared. 2nd another of the guys, after we visited about some of what was going on, he offered some encouragement and then gave me one of his rocks! He'd brought them to show people and I'd mentioned I liked one. So he gave it to me! Honestly those are just a few examples, if you're struggling it's so important to surround yourself with people who love you. Everyone needs love and support and having good friends and family can help lighten your load. 

Hang in there friends! No matter what's going on right now, you can handle it. You're not alone! Try to see the good! 

Curable writing exercise 1

Discussing stress!

Make a list of moments of high stress experiences (often beyond your control) you wouldn't want another to face;

CHILDHOOD:

•bullying

•sibbling with mental health struggles

•death of a grandparent at a young age

•over focusing on weight at a young age

•better management of anger

•being more honest

ADULTHOOD:

•mission

•bullying/inability to stand up for self

•untreated/undiagnosed illness

•chronic illness diagnosis 

☆daily pain

☆loneliness 

•depression/anxiety

☆sibblings with mental health struggles  

Now list any self impossed pressures that can increase your stress:

•☆perfectionism/ high expectations 

•self doubt

•impatience with self

•people pleasing at own expense 

•bottling emotions

☆fear of vulnerability

•low self-esteem 

Read through the list paying attention to your body. Mark the ones that cause the highest physiological and emotional responses, we'll use them in later writing. 

Trying out Curable

If you live with a chronic illness or if you're a frequent guest of the doctors office than you've probably, at one point or another, been told, "Well, you might just need to learn to live with this." In my last post I expressed how much no one wants to hear that! Everytime I hear that I feel like I die a little inside, it hurts to imagine that this pain or this issue is something I just have to learn to be okay with. And sometimes it feels impossible to even imagine living one more day with this problem let alone another 50 years. 

So what do we do? Do we crawl into our beds and cry? Yes... well maybe if it helps you cope for the minute go for it! Do we scream and cry and ask "why me?" Probably... however this is less helpful even than staying in bed. What I believe we have to do is activate our inner Pollyanna. Get a little perspective! Be grateful for something, anything! And find a tiny sliver of hope and happiness. Then we get to work! If the doctor doesn't have the answer don't give up! Keep looking and searching! Be you're own advocate and find solutions even if they only work for you! 

This is where the Curable App comes in. I've been following Curable on Instagram for a while now and when I found out they have an app I was very interested. So I downloaded the app and I've been trying to use it regularly ever since! Curable is all about helping treat, manage and function with pain. It's basically like a pain clinic right on your phone! It offers education, meditation, exercises and writing. This is meant to be used regularly. I've really enjoyed it all do far. And I'm so excited to see if there is improvement!! I'll keep y'all posted! 

Things not to say

If I had to guess you or someone you know has a chronic illness, if not just wait this is a literal freaking epidemic! Ok. That was a bit dramatic. Where am I going with this?! Ahh yes that's right.... here is a quick list of things NOT to say to someone who has a chronic illness. 

1. You'll just need to learn to live with it. (Okay sure, why don't I just hire someone to hit you in the head all day with a mallet and you can learn to live with that, huh?)

2. Do you really need that medication? (Listen if I didn't need it I wouldn't take it, 9 times out of 10 the symptoms make me feel terrible but you know, I wanna live....)

3. So you're better now, right? (Listen, and I'll try to make this simple, chronic=forever. You're welcome) 

4. Have you tried..... (If one more person suggests CBD oil, essential oil, some medication they heard about on a commercial or a "cure all diet" I. WILL. CUT. YOU.) 

5. Oh but you're so young. (Yeah the thing is they must have forgotten to I.D me before handing out the illnesses. And yes, I truly appriacte the reminder that I have tons of time to "learn" to deal with these problems)

6. Why are you always tired? (Because my body is always trying to kill itself, sorry if this inconveniences you) 

7. Well you don't look sick. (You're not wrong, I try my best to keep the zombie buried deep inside) 

8. Why can't you do.... (Listen sometimes it's that I can't, sometimes it's a choice of what thing I want to do more. But beleive me I'm trying)

9. You must be so strong to deal with this (I know you mean well, but I don't feel strong, I don't love the idea that because I'm "strong" somehow that makes my struggles okay. Honestly they suck and I'm exhausted and I don't want to be the "strong" one anymore) 

10. But how are you really? (I know you mean well, and this is your way of showing it. But if I say, "I'm fine" there's a reason! *stay tuned for the 10 things "I'm fine actually means") 

11. I understand... (Listen I get it you want to empathise with me, but you don't understand. Okay? You just don't know what this is like and it hurts to be reminded of that)

The thing to remember everytime someone says one of the annoying things to you what they are trying to say is: I care about you. So try to resist the eye rolls ;)

And maybe send them this; a quick list of 5 things that we (well, I) actually like hearing:

1. I like you're Pjs 

2. Oh, I've never heard of [your illness] can you tell me what it is? 

3. Want me to get you your hot pad?

4. Do you want to talk about it or be distracted from it? 

5. Would a hug help?

Honestly compassion (not pity there is a huge difference!) and kindness will always be effective. And when in doubt just listen, more often then not we'll tell you want we need. Hang in there friends! 

It's Qulaitiy not Quantitiy that matters

So let me share a long held debate that's been happening in my family recently, it's all about scripture reading (yup not politics or ethnic or anything else....) 

See when my siblings and I were growing up we'd read scriptures every night with my parents and we usually read an entire chapter. Since I've come home from my mission we alternate sometimes we read a whole chapter sometimes just 15 verses (there's only three of us now) but we pretty much always read which in my book is the most important thing. Not so much with my parents. See they frequently debate are we reading enough. Mom will say something like couldn't we read more and then Dad gets stressed and overwhelmed. Then the next night Dad us stressed about how much we are or arent reading and Mom getting defensive and it's just silliness y'know? 

So last night I had a little mini-epiphany; does God ever give us a number of how much we need to do I mean I've not looked everywhere but I'm pretty sure there isn't q list that says:

-daily prayers (two, five if meal prayers included)

-scripture reading (1 chapter, 2 if seeking greater blessings)

-service (45 min, helping old ladies cross the street recommended)

I mean can you imagine if there was something like this out there?! I mean maybe it would be nice I would definitely know I wasn't making it to heaven so that would be a load off I guess. But guess what?!  This is not how God works!!! There is no master list or point system!!! 

I occurred to me that it's not so much the quantity of our Obedience that matters it's really about the quality of our Obedience. God doesn't say read 2 chapters a day He says read scriptures daily and ponder them. God doesn't give us a number of prayers to pray, he asks us to communicate with him through prayer open and honest and then listen for him to answer us. 

I remember a conversation I had with a struggling companion on my mission who just could grapple with exact obedience and being a "consecrated missionary" (Just imagine super stressed perfectionist missionaries that's what I served with haha!) I read her a scripture: 

Mosiah 5: 2 "And they all cried with one voice, saying: Yea, we believe all the words which thou hast spoken unto us; and also, we know of their surety and truth, because of the Spirit of the Lord Omnipotent, which has wrought a mighty change in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually" (italics added for emphasis) 

See this is conversion, it's about our hearts changing and with it our true desires. After that the actions will follow automatically. 

So if you feel like your obedience is lacking maybe instead of trying to gauge if the quantity is enough look at your heart and your desires and the quality of your choices. 

Two whole years, can you believe it?

So today I got a very excited Marco Polo from my MTC companion. She was happily wishing me congratulations at our mutual anniversary of coming home from our 18 month mission in Jacksonville. Yup! Two years ago today I was flying home emotionally and physically exhausted after giving my all for 18 months serving the wonderful people of Jacksonville. And "celebrating" being home for two years doesn't really make me feel very happy. Let's do a quick side my side of me and my MTC companion:

Companion: 

Moved out of parents house, happily married, expecting 1st baby, working from home, cute rental house (you get the idea #perfect)

Me:

Lives in parents basement, haven't been on a date since last Dec, working part-time if lucky, sick constantly (but at least that's consistent)

I'm sure from that breif picture you get the idea why I wasn't loving the idea of "celebrating" two years home. I mean I spent the day at the dentist finding out that I might have some autoimmune mouth disorder or something and the evening icing my swollen painfull hand wondering what's up with that new problem. She spent this evening celebrating Halloween with her sweet in-laws. Now please don't misunderstand!! I am so beyond happy for her! She's one of my very best friends and I love that she is so happy and fulfilled and blessed. I know she works hard and faces her fair share of trials. It's just on days like these I start to wonder what on earth God's plan is for me. 

Sometimes it feels like He's up there doing a evil chuckle and having this type of conversation with his angel buddies;

God: So how's Onaleigh doing down there on earth?

Angel: She's doing pretty well after the whole chronic illness bomb we dropped a few months ago. 

God: So she's starting to figure things out, dealing with pain well, you know starting to feel hopeful again?

Angel: Yeah she's really risen to this trial, I think she's gonna be just fine! 

God: Oh great! So now I'm thinking we throw down some problems with her hand, pretty basic just make it hurt randomly and frequently oh! Definitely whenever she's baking or you know using it to do anything that makes her happy.

Angel: Excuse me what now? 

God: No, no trust me on this she's gonna learn a lot and she'll definitely rise to this one too! 

Angel: So like this is it though,  right? I mean she's good now on the whole trials thing, at least for a year or so?

God: Mhm... I mean maybe, but probably not. I'm thinking we go after her teeth next after that I'm sure we'll find some new medical mystery. And then there's always her social life can you imagine trying to get her on a date? I mean come on! Isn't this so fun?! 

*And scene* 

Okay that was sassy and honestly I don't think God gets a kick out of my suffering (most days) but sometimes I just wonder you know? Like maybe a few years or months ago I was at a cross roads and it was like left leads you to marriage, baby and happiness or you choose right and you get health challenges, emotional distress and "a great personality." Obviously the correct choice was left but I went right and now look at this pickle in I'm! Or maybe it's all you know, "This is a good thing, think how much your learning." "This will be a blessing later in life." "Just think it could be much worse." Which honestly doesn't make me feel much better. I just really don't understand why. 

Why is this where I am in life? Literally what is the point to all this? Will it ever end? Does it get better? Do you actually have a plan or are we like rolling dice and guessing as we go? 

Sadly this post, like those questions that will go unfinished because I don't have the answers. (Shocking I know!) I'm trying to trust, which is the literal worst. I'm trying to be patient, which feels almost impossible. I'm really trying to be positive, cause that's what your supposed to do. And mostly I'm just trying to be happy, but it's not always easy. I know eventually I'll figure this whole thing out, probably when I'm 90 (but at this rate who knows if I'll even get there! Haha) and don't worry when I get some answers I'll definitely let you know. Until then, just keep hanging on! 

Never good enough

The realization hit me last Sunday that I will never be good enough to go to Heaven. I felt totally overwhelmed and unsure of what to do. I want to go but I will never measure up to the requirements that allow me to go to Heaven. 

But isn't that the point? This isn't a ride at Valley Fair with a 4'3" height requirement or you cant ride the rollercoaster. This isn't a club where you have to meet certain criteria to join the club. This IS Heaven! 

No one anywhere will ever at any point will "qualify" to enter Heaven. So sorry to break this new to you. This is the entire reason we need a Savior! Because God knew that without divine help we would never be able to return to him.

But then you ask why are there commandments? If Jesus is the way and all we need is to accept Him to get to heaven what the point of everything else? Great question!! Here's my thought: Just because there aren't requirements to attain a spot on Heaven there are certain ways we can show that thats where we want to be. By our Obedience we show God that we will follow him, and that we want to follow him. But you counter we can want to follow someone and still not actually do it. But isn't that the true point? As we learn to love our Father in Heaven and as we recognize that we have been saved by Jesus Christ our heart will change. Over time our understanding of  commandments changes, we know they are opportunities for blessings and we know they are guidelines to protect us. Then when we are asked to give and serve and do within the church our willingness increases because it's a chance for us to show how much we love Him and his children. 

We will still fail. We will still never do enough our bodies and minds will limit what we can do, or think we can do. Even though our desires will be there our actions will never measure up. But Christ and His atonement steps in and saves us. It saves us despite our weaknesses. So if you feel you've failed don't give up! Rely on the Savior and trust his ability to save.