Dating

This is just on my mind so I gotta get it out of my thoughts and onto paper (so to speak). 

I recently redownloaded a dating app. *shudder* I know! But I'd just had my birthday and I couldn't help but feel like it was time to try again and really try this time around. So I went for it and I made a few matches, nothing really interesting but it was fine. Then I met Mr. Ford (not his real name, obvi, but he just ended a job at Ford so). 

Mr Ford is nice and cute and charming. We've talked online and then this week we started phone calls. It was exciting and also terrifying. I haven't told anyone except my MTC companion about him because I just don't need the pressure. 

Last night Mr. Ford finally asked the dreaded question: What are you looking for in dating right now? Yikes!!! 

So what am I looking for right now? I don't know. The truth is this is all so new and unexpected. I haven't done a lot of dating, I mean I went on my first date after I'd finished my mission and I've only had maybe 1 boyfriend (if you combine my two three date relationships that ended in disaster). I've never been kissed, never said "I love you", never really had a boyfriend. So this is all so new. 

I know myself and my anxiety and insecurities that I don't want to rush into anything. I want to take my sweet time, so there is time to develop trust and friendship before the physical attraction gets involved. Besides as you know I have quite the anxieties around physical intimacy which I haven't been able to work past yet. 

So I don't know what this all boils down to other than I want someone with me who can be patient. Who gets that I'm terrified that a relationship will just blow up in my face. That I'll be hurt and that my already struggling trust for men will be shattered forever. I want to know someone and have them know me and completely trust each other. To care about each other beyond our relationship that even if it ends well still want the other person to succeed and find happiness. 

I don't know what I'm gonna say on the phone tonight when Mr. Ford and I talk. But I'm sure it'll be awkward and stressful for me.... here's hoping getting these thoughts out of my head helps me focus a little better today. 

integrity

   Ever heard the saying: "Don't reinvent the wheel"?  Usually, it's used when you're trying to do something relatively simple and instead of using the path already paved, you're trying to find your own way crashing around in the bushes and in the process making it so much harder for yourself. Integrity falls right smack dap in the center of this concept. I mean it seems like such a simple concept: don't lie, don't cheat, don't compromise your beliefs. If you live with integrity and then *boom* happy and successful life.   

    Is this really true though? And if it is why is there so much pressure about living with Integrity?   

    I think when you choose to live with integrity in every aspect of your life you put a big target on your back. Look at Abraham Lincoln, he was so well known as an honest man that he got the nickname "Honest Abe." And look how things ended up for him? In all seriousness though, Abraham Lincoln is a personal hero of mine because he chose at every opportunity to live according to his beliefs and what was right. He focused not on the cost of his honesty and beliefs but instead on the blessings and goodness that would come from them.  

    There is a cost to being a person of integrity. You may be judged as a prude by others, you may not have the gain others get from their seedy choices, you often walk alone. But the blessings that come from your choices will far out way the challenges.  

 

    You will never have others question you or your actions. You will always have the confidence of your loved ones. You will always have a sense of inner peace because you are living true to your beliefs. You will have healthy relationships with others both privately and professionally. You will be able to impact change within society. Others will listen to and respect you-- even if they don't agree with you.  

 

    Having Integrity starts with a commitment and then every day and by a thousand little choices you follow through. Integrity means to be true to yourself first and always; no matter where, no matter why you chose what’s right. Integrity has a cost but I believe it is and always will be worth it. My choice is integrity. I hope yours will be too.  

Repost of an assignment!

For one of my classes I have to write blog posts reflecting on what I've learned and experienced. Obviously I created a new blog for this haha! But I felt like my first reflection was good enough to be on this blog too. So here's a copy and pasted version! 

The first day of something new is never easy and my first day of online school was no different. 

After going over the syllabus and doing several readings I got to the quiz. At first everything was fine, I'm answering questions feeling comfortable with my understanding and then there's a question I don't instantly know the answer to, followed by another and another. Dread, that's all I could feel and suddenly the bombardment of negativity hits; you're not smart enough, you're going to fail, you can't do this. For a moment I believed those lies and then I felt reminded that this was no ordinary online school, this was a place where I could grow intellectually and spiritually. I mean I'd read a talk by an Apostle as part of my class assignments! So I took a deep breath and started to pray, not to be given the answers, to have peace, to know my worth and to just do my best. 

I know that may not have been the purpose of my first day of school but that experience gave me the chance to learn exactly what God needed me too learn. I was surprised as I've reflected on this experience that it relates well to the mission statement shared by Elder Bednar in his address: Your Whole Souls as an Offering Unto Him. He said,

"The mission of Ricks College has four important and interrelated parts:   1. Build testimonies of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ and encourage living its principles. 2. Provide a quality education for students of diverse interests and abilities. 3. Prepare students for further education and employment, and for their roles as citizens and parents. 4. Maintain a wholesome academic, cultural, social and spiritual environment."

The purpose of this class was explained as a place to learn about ourselves, so that we can become our best selves and be prepared for further opportunities in our life. I am grateful for the reminder that although I may be studying online and alone I am not alone. I have the ability to invite the spirit to help me throughout every class and assignment and experience. I know that as I do my part in this class to learn and to be worthy of the Spirit I will succeed the way Heavenly Father wants me to. And I'm just so excited for what's to come! 

Farewell 2021

Farewell 2021!! I can't believe how quickly the year came to an end. Let's do a quick little recap of the past year;

•I read 22 books throughout the year. Including rereading the entire Harry Potter series during the month of July. 

•Started going to institute again, loved my class on Forgiveness and Repentance. Plus I made some friends. (:

•Got called to serve as a 1st councilor in the Stake Primary. I have felt overwhelmed... and uncertain but I've also felt that I have the opportunity to be a blessing to others because of and through my calling. 

•Witnessed the passing of my Grandmother. It was one of the most painful experiences and yet somehow it was also one of the most spiritual. 

•Got myself a puppy!! He's the cutest little boy and is such a sweetie. I'm so grateful I get to care for him and for all the love he brings into my life. 

•Asked a guy out on a date- he didn't say yes but I felt proud that I took step to change and move toward the future I want. 

•Decided to go back to school. It was kinda a crazy moment for me but January 5th I start my business degree through BYU-Pathways. I never thought I'd get here, but it feels right. 

•Bought my first car! Thanks Grandma!! 

•Gained some weight, lost some weight. 

•Started therapy, it was good and helpful and I should probably go back but "ain't nobody got time for that." 

•Made hot chocolate bombs for the first time! They sold well and were so tasty!! 

•Learn more about the atonement than ever before! Gained a person testimony of it's power and saw it help me change in my life. 

•Made it through the year without anything going up my butt ;) no colonoscopy or sigmoid for this girl!! 

•Baked for 3 weddings this year among doing many other events. 

This year wasn't perfect. But the good outweighed the bad. The blessing were ever present this year and I'm excited for what 2022 will offer! 

choose to be open!

Hello friends! So much has happened recently and trying to write it all out feels like trying to slowly release a waterfall haha... however I'll save the life update for another post. This is simply another rant- as I'm so prone to. 

I believe that we need to have a sense of openness about ourselves to thrive in life. If we are always closed off, saying no thanks and walking within our very small bubble we'll miss out on some pretty incredible opportunities. 

See I have this friend, she's pretty anti steady relationship. Totally fine- you have to be ready for it. But it's to a point that she won't even go out with a guy without telling him that there's no chance for anything more than a single date. Now again not objectly wrong, however! Can you see how having that attitude could close you off to opportunities and blessing the Lord might have in store for you?

Instead of telling every guy you meet this is a one and done date for me. Simply say: I'm not looking for a steady relationship right now. But be open- be ready that if the right person comes along, if the spirit is present you act! You follow.

If I've learned anything over the past few years it's I have a plan and God has a plan and if I pigheadly follow my own plan I'd miss out on a lot. Trusting the Lord and his plan for you isn't easy. Sometimes it means giving up on a thing you want, sometimes it's waiting for your hopes and dreams. But when you are open to what the Lord has you'll never miss out and I know you won't regret it! 

So for those too closed off, too set in their ways, too determined to forge their own road... remember that if you want a good life you do it your own way but if you want an amazing life you do it His way. It won't be easy but looking back it'll be 100% worth it! 

what a day

Today has been one of the hardest days I've had in a long while. I've felt such strong feelings today and they have just bubbled and boiled and I feel like if I don't get them all out I'll explode! So here we are...

After quite some time, debate, excuses and fear... greater fear than I can explain or fully express, I've decided to go to my Bishop for help in the process of Repentance. 

See a long time ago, as a teenager I began a habit that has followed me around for years. Before my mission I tried to repent and felt like I'd done a good job- I'd stopped the bad habit and felt worthy to go and serve. It wasn't a challenge during my mission and I naively thought that when I got home it wouldn't be a problem ever again. I was wrong. 

Since being home the habit has grown- I've known it was wrong. Prayed to stop, determined in myself to change and then days or weeks or sometimes even months later I slip and there I am back where I was. This past week its been consuming me- boredom and free time is a dangerous combination when it comes to temptation and sin. 

At this same time I've been participating in an institute class centered and focused on Repentance and forgiveness. It's inspired me to change and be better, yet the slip ups continue. So today as I drove to institute my heart and mind were open and I finally talked to my Father in Heaven about what I've been dealing with. I told Him it all, the good and the bad and most of all I opened myself up with the honesty that I didn't know what I should do next. I felt lost and empty and needed direction. I knew I needed to tell someone, probably my Bishop but oh man! 

After a few articles I found on churchofjesuschrist.org I felt within myself that the first step, the right step was to talk with my Bishop. I pulled off and wrote a message- after some rewrite and tears I finally hit send. Then I was blessed with a phone call, a hand reaching out with love and compassion my big Brother. He spoke to me of Gods love and mercy. He reassured me this was the right step and that I could do this. That I wasn't evil or damned. It was everything I needed right then and there to keep me from throwing in the towel all over again. 

Then my Bishop responded, in such mercy and compassion he was ready to go. Wanting to help me, free of judgment. I don't know what's going to happen next. But I already feel better. Feel lighter- I know this is a step in the right direction. I have a new sense of hope that I didn't have before and I'm grateful. I'm still afraid to actually talk with my Bishop. I'm afraid of what might happen next.... but I know that with God's love things will be okay. 

If you're trying to find your next step. I encourage you to take it, take the step you feel directed to take. Even if it's hard, exspecially if it's hard. The Lord loves you, He'll walk beside you and will help you one this path. Don't give up! With Christ you can do all things. 

I have felt so angry and sad and hurt... a hurt that cuts deep right down to your center. I've been angry with myself- that I didn't use every second of the time I had been given, that I wasn't there more, that I didn't take more pictures with her. It's hard not to feel bitter and angry about these things... and the hurt just cuts a little deeper with each of these thoughts and feelings. I've also felt angry and hurt and sad that Grandma isn't here now... that her eyes aren't open, that she can't talk, it makes every interaction feel empty. I want a better goodbye. I want a last hug. I want to hear I love you one more time. And the hard truth is... I don't think I'm gonna get to. I don't think her physical body has that strength anymore. 

But during this time of fasting and prayer I have felt something stiring. Memories of times spent together. Of hugs and "I love you"s. Time spent together listening to her voice, her stories, her testimony. I remember her saying I love you. Wishing me healing and peace. Praying for my future, for love. Grandma always saw more good in me than I ever saw in myself. She loved me so completely it was never in question. No matter my choices, mistakes or flaws I 

knew-- I still know. Her love was constant. 

Grandma was a woman of faith and of love. She lived her life to its fullest. Always striving to grow and to help others. She loved deeply and completely. She was fearlessly devoted to Jesus Christ. She knew Him, she knew Him as her personal Savior. Grandma's life touched all those around her for good, because she was goodness and kindness and love. Grandma is everything I want to be when I grow up. Becuase if I can be like her, love like her, listen and follow like her. I know I will be closer to my Father Heaven and to all those I've loved and lost. If I had my wish Grandma would stay, stay with me. But "I do sin in my wish..." even though I don't feel ready I'm going to try to be okay with her moving on. Try to let her know that it's okay. And we'll be okay.

I know our love will never die. We are a family sealed forever in a temple of ou God. How grateful I am for this blessing, this truth and knowledge. I know she is not alone, Grandpa and Marty and Jacob and all those that Grandma has loved and lost are there waiting to welcome her home. What a beautiful and happy reunion that will be. There is joy in this if we remember that death is not the end. That families and love doesn't end. It hurts, I hurt in ways I've forgotten I knew how. But the love is there-- to wrap me up and hold me close. I know that no matter what happens she'll stay near by and at all those moments I want her to share with me she'll be there. 

Xoxo