Fathers day grief

There was a time I was incredibly spoiled with the comfort of feeling not much of anything on fathers day. It was a day and if I got to show a little extra TLC and kindness to my Dad that was great. 

But time and choices have changed a lot of things. Now I spend my fathers day baking pies for my church family and then driving home from church early- often in tears becuase of all the grief.

I think most people can understand the feelings of grief around fathers day. Those who have fathers that died or live far away. But there's also a grief in not having a close relationship to a father. Grief in how a fathers choices has caused hurt that hasn't healed. Grief in what was but isn't anymore. Grief that the rose colored glasses are gone and you can no longer excuse things. Grief as you see loving fathers interacting with their children and feel this pang of longing. 

In my case there's also a sense of guilt. That somehow I'm wrong or bad or the problem for not "forgiving" or "moving on". The truth is I have a great deal of compassion and pity for my father. I can see and acknowledge his hurts and the issues of his family and how incredibly unfair that was for him. But the problem is that all the hurt he's caused and taken little accountability for has made excusing his behavior near impossible. Yet still that voice taunts and judges that I am wrong and selfish and cruel to still feel this way to still struggle not to be angry at his actions and to still be hurt by his choices. 

The truth is I don't hate my father. If I did I think many of my feelings would be much more manageable. I do love him and I want more than anything to have a loving healthy relationship with him. But I'm not sure I believe that will ever happen, at least not in this life. So here I sit... sad and alone in a pew feeling my feelings and wishing today was already over.