bored

         Here I am again... typing out my thoughts because if I don't get them out of my head I'll probably explode. I'm sitting in the hospital for my I.V. app, routine nbd but it feels like its taking 100xs longer. Probably is in part because I'm fatter than I've ever been, so that's fun. (in like a really not fun sort of way) actually it stinks and makes me want to cry and also throw up. 

        I'm not disgusting and I am menstruating's so that could totally be part of the weight increase. But it is beyond discouraging. I mean eww!! Why am I so fat and gross? I know, I know. Fat doesn't equal ugly or anything else but I hate how out of control I feel because of my weight. I just want to feel pretty and healthy and attractive and in-control. But honestly, sometimes that feels impossible. 

        I don't know... I am just so discouraged. I don't know how to gain control without: limiting what and how much I eat and then working out like crazy. But when my body hurts the way it does (I'm rocking an awesome headache and neck ache right now) I don't feel like working out and that's the worst. I just wish I was skinny and healthy.... it's just the legit worst but also it is what it is a suppose.