Testimony

     Hello friends! This week I semi-randomly decided to watch the new Latter-day Saint book of mormon video that covers 3rd Nephi chapter 17- which is definitely one of my favorite chapters. 

     During the scene while they portrayed the idea of angels Ministering to and with the children two specific moments struck me: 

     These moments touched my heart. And it was in an unusual experience. Because as I watched the way these children touched and poked the scars that Christ bares I realized that I knew exactly what that felt like. 

     For several years I have struggled with some scaring on my chest from some complications around my UC diagnosis. And recently my insecurities around the scaring has just been sky high. I have felt disgusted and frustrated and embarrassed by the scaring. 

     But in this moment watching that scene my mind reflected on the many times I have held or played with a baby or toddler and tentatively and shyly they will reach out a finger and poke the scar on my chest. Just as those children would likely have reached out to touch the scaring on Christ's hands. 

     Suddenly with this reminder in my heart I have felt an increase of gratitude for my scaring. I have thought of Him when I see it instead of dwelling on my own insecurities. I have felt such gratitude for this moment that connected me more fully to my Savior and that these feelings have remained with me. 

     I don't know if any of this made sense.... but I'm grateful for this experience and I never want to forget it. So here is where I will keep it. 

Feeling butthurt

I'm just sitting here- getting ready for church feeling butthurt... which is a fancy way of saying that my feelings are hurt but it's fine. 

I'm so tired of my friends giving me so little time... I'm so sick of being the substitute person with everyone in my life. When I literally live down the street from someone why wouldn't you just shoot a quick text inviting a friend over?

Why would you be a butthole? I'm just tired and frustrated and hurt. I'm tired of people saying one thing (I've missed you, I want to spend time together, your my dearest friend, I love you, blah blah blah) and then their actions show the exact opposite. I'm about ready to get out my hedge clippers and cut off all these toxic people who clearly couldn't care less about me. 

Anyway... it's fine. I'm just hurt and tired and disappointed but I'll just roll over like a good little dog and let them keep treating me like garbage and taking every little bit of love and affection I can get. 

The night before

Tomorrow, is the start of a great big new adventure! I am moving into my very first apartment!! *ahh!*

Until literally Sunday night I was so excited. So hopeful for this new adventure, optimistic of the opportunities it would give me and just plain excited for something new and fun. But now.... now I'm petrified. 

I've just never done anything like this before, the last time I "moved" was when I left for 2 years to serve as a missionary. But that was so much easier- I mean all I had to take with me was a single suitecase. 

I know everything will be fine. I know that I'm capable and that I really can do this. I know that this adventure will be so good for me and will truly open me up to opportunities I hadn't expected. But it's still scary. 

Dear Mr. Ford

Mr. Ford, 

     Well, the crap hit the fan and bang goes that story. Honestly, I was really disappointed at first and frankly a little pissed because I was so impressed by you as a person. But not so much now. 

How could you give the "let's stay friends no matter what" blah blah blah. How charming and sweet I thought. He doesn't want us both to invest time and energy into something for it to just end when either of us decide that this isn't what we're looking for. Yet, here we are. Over two weeks ago you politely said, I don't have time for you anymore. But let's be friends and I haven't heard from you since. 

Maybe you're friends are different and blow each other off and or never talk to each other again (maybe you just meant let's stay Facebook friends? 🤔). I'm just disappointed in you. Because I put in a lot of effort to care about you, your life, your challenges, your dreams and goals. I sent you a package for goodness sake!!?! And I get a warning before the ghosting? 

I guess I understand being busy and I appreciated the warning beforehand. But it hurts. It hurts to be told I don't have time for you, and then for it to be true... because if you had time or cared about me as a person you would check in. I'm sad because that feeling hurts... it really hurts. But I guess lessons learned you really can't be friends with someone you "like"... or maybe you just can't be friends with dicks. 

All I'm gonna say to you directly Mr Ford is this: You're a bit of a douchebag. You need to learn to appreciate a good thing when it's right freaking infront of you. I do hope you find (or have already found and didn't have the balls to be honest about it) someone who you'll actually care about. And I hope that no one ever makes you feel like you don't matter.  Because no one should be treated that way. So thanks for nothing and peace out. 

Whelp

 Today Mr. Ford officially sent his "thanks but no thanks." 

You ever feel like it you expect disappointment you won't be disappointed? I'm usually pretty good at having realistic expectations for everything... except boys haha. 

I'm playing it cool to everyone in my family (thank goodness I didn't tell hardly anyone). I fine, it's not a big deal. I'm over it. Boys are dumb anyway. Come on are we really that surprised that I managed to botch another relationship attempt? 

Truth is though.... this is crushing. Not just because I liked him, I did. But because getting to know him and talking to him made me happy and gave me a hope for a future that I'd sort of decided wouldn't happen anytime soon (if even in my life time). And it's fine, I get it he's busy and needs some space. But I also just wish things happened a little differently. I mean... the last time we spoke things just felt off- probably because he was tired and just felt obligated to talk. 

I'm just sad because I'm not sure what the future holds and the future I hoped for feels farther away than ever. 

substitute people

One of my favoirte movies is Elizabethtown. It is pretty unknown and a little odd but that's probably why I like it haha. In that movie Claire, the main female character shares this thought:

“You and I have a special talent,” Claire says to Drew. “And I saw it immediately. We’re the substitute people. I’ve been the substitute person my whole life. I’m not an Ellen [a co-worker Drew was into]. I never wanted to be an Ellen. And I’m not a Cindy either … I like being alone too much. I mean, I’m with a guy who is married to his academic career. I rarely see him and I’m the substitute person there. I like it that way. It’s a lot less pressure.”

The idea of being a substitute person has resonated with me since I first heard it. I'd explain a substitute person as someone who you choose when your first option bails. In my life I am constantly treated like a substitute person and I DON'T LIKE IT! I'm so sick of being a substitute for others. 

My best friend growing up perpetually treats me like a substitute person. When she's not busy, when it's convenient for her, always on her time and schedule we hang out or we talk. But our relationship is purely surface level she doesn't talk to me about her life or her hopes or dreams and then she blows me off. And being the substitute person stinks. 

And just last night I was sitting in bed at 11whatever not sleeping and thinking about how I feel like a substitute person with Mr Ford right now too. He's too busy to talk so we don't (until he has a free moment then I drop everything to talk to him), he's to busy to text so we don't (until he has something to say), he was too busy for me to come visit so I didn't come (but I should plan to visit him is MS once he's settled). It's beyond frustrating!!! I feel mad and sad and annoyed all at once. 

The thing is I don't think people intentionally treat others like substitute people. And maybe there is a talent or something about me that makes me a better substitute person for others. But the truth is it hurts. It hurts to feel like I don't matter to other people and like I constantly put in more effort than others do. I mean, how hard is it really to text someone? How hard is it to ask someone how they are doing? It's not hard! Like what the actual heck?! It's so easy to treat someone well and be kind to them. And for the love of all things if they matter to you, even if only a little bit, how hard is it to tell and show them that? 

Basically I'm tired of being the substitute person. But I'm not totally sure how to stop being the substitute person.... so for now this substitute person is going to sign off. 

bored

         Here I am again... typing out my thoughts because if I don't get them out of my head I'll probably explode. I'm sitting in the hospital for my I.V. app, routine nbd but it feels like its taking 100xs longer. Probably is in part because I'm fatter than I've ever been, so that's fun. (in like a really not fun sort of way) actually it stinks and makes me want to cry and also throw up. 

        I'm not disgusting and I am menstruating's so that could totally be part of the weight increase. But it is beyond discouraging. I mean eww!! Why am I so fat and gross? I know, I know. Fat doesn't equal ugly or anything else but I hate how out of control I feel because of my weight. I just want to feel pretty and healthy and attractive and in-control. But honestly, sometimes that feels impossible. 

        I don't know... I am just so discouraged. I don't know how to gain control without: limiting what and how much I eat and then working out like crazy. But when my body hurts the way it does (I'm rocking an awesome headache and neck ache right now) I don't feel like working out and that's the worst. I just wish I was skinny and healthy.... it's just the legit worst but also it is what it is a suppose. 

Butterflies and high hopes

 I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna visit Mr. Ford before he leaves! Ahhh! O.o I know!!! I'm terrified and excited and nervous all at once. 

He sorta invited me to come... and I'm just going for it. Because I really feel like whatever comes of it I'll have proven to myself that I CAN DO THIS! 

So after a lot of back and forth and craziness I've decided to go out over Easter weekend. Ahh! I know. I'll find an AirBnB that's near him and then we'll finally meet. Is this crazy? Probably. But also... this feels like a natural and right next step. It feels good to be taking this chance and opening the door to possibilities. 

*UPDATE* Mr. Ford has politely asked to cancel. Somehow I'm disappointed and also relieved. I understand with everything he's dealing with that this is a lot to add to his plate. I just want to help him, who knows maybe I'll bake him cookies and send a package instead. 

ugh double ugh

Today was better and then I was worse and now I'm here because I gotta put all this "blah" somewhere.... so here goes.

Mr. Ford is still talking to other girls. One in particular that he almost went to see for a date when his trip was cut short.... so there's that. And I get it, we aren't dating and he owes me literally less than nothing (okay maybe genuin human decency but beyond that not much)

And if our goal is truly to become friends it really shouldn't matter but it does. It matters because I'm not talking to other people. I don't have time to talk to other boys- heck I've not answered my phone when I'm talking to him because I want to stay genuinely invested. So maybe I pull it back a little. 

Mayne I need to get back on Mutual and try to connect with some other guys. Maybe I don't need to talk to Mr. Ford everyday on the phone. Yknow? Maybe it's time I stop hyper focusing on this not-relationship/relationship and instead focus on me. My life, my goals, my priorities because clearly he's focused on his. 

Ugh! What the actual heck! This stinks!!!! I'm bummed and also my blah feelings go past just Mr. Ford.... life just feels like a lot. It feels like too much. Between baking and school and everything else with work and trying to find an apartment. It's just so much and a sully boy feels like an unnecessary addition to an already busy plate. Does that make any sense at all?

Mayne it doesn't but that's how I'm feeling tonight. Don't get me wrong Mr. Ford read me scriptures tonight which was very nice and sweet. And he was willing to talk to me even though I was feeling overwhelmed and blah. So he's a nice guy a great grand gut and whatever. I'm just annoyed and also tired and confused and feeling very very blah tonight. 

Here's hoping for a better tomorrow. And maybe having work cancled.....

The burn out is real

Anyone else feel incredibly burnt out tonight? Just me? mm'kay... 

You know how good things can cause stress and overwhelming feelings? That's me right now. It's not that anything is bad or wrong or anything. I'm just burnt out... warn out and tired. 

I don't know why I always get this way when things are going well. Like all aspects of my life are good right now: 

I'm doing well in school, getting several baking orders, enjoying my job, getting to know Mr. Ford, all good things but some how I still feel overwhelmed by everything. Like it's too much, much too much. And that's really hard. 

The problem is that when I feel this way I always assume something is wrong. Or that I'm doing something wrong and then my anxiety explodes and I usually run away from whatever is newest. Which yes means at this moments it's Mr. Ford.... and I don't want to. But also I want to crawl into bed, under my covers and never come out again. 

I don't know it just feels like too much and I'm overwhelmed by my anxiety and it's the worst feeling. But I'm sure a good night's sleep and I'll be right as rain tomorrow. 

a good day must be remembered

Okay before you say anything just shut up haha okay? Okay! Thanks plenty. 

Alright, let me just say that I am dead right now. 1000% deceased, that's me. And yes it all is because of Mr. Ford haha. 

First of all let me just say that Mr. Ford is great. I listened in amusement as he was shopping in Walmart and I died. He was so polite, so nice to everyone. It was adorable. My favorite moment was when he met a female police officer and thanked her for her service and also talked about how cute her kids were- he even told them they have a great Mom. It was the sweetest thing I've ever heard in my life. I mean this guy is.... he's just so incredibly decent and kind and that was so apparent. 

Now to the juicy reasons I'm dead. After our earlier phone call he texted me 

(I swoon!) 

So I called him and together we read Jacob 3 and 4, firstly he could've totally tapped out at one chapter but he's a trooper so he didn't. Secondly he was so soothing to listen to read, it was clear he has read the book of Mormon several times. And thirdly he would pause as he read to share insights or testimony. It was wonderful! I very much enjoyed it and he even thanked me for reading with and including him in my studies. (dead) 

My favorite part was at the end, I mentioned that I usually end studies with a prayer and asked if he'd like to join. He said sure and I offered to say it. It was so nice to pray together- it was nice to pray with and for him. I hope it helped him feel seen, loved and valued. Because honestly he is a great guy. I am so impressed by him and who he is. Truly he is a special man and I'm so glad I'm getting to know him. 

Anyways to prevent forgetting I have now written my nonsense down and shall now go to sleep. 

one last post before I go to sleep

I know, I know my posting is super random and weird because I don't post much until I post three things in 1 day haha.

But here we are 11:30 at night, I can't sleep and hopefully getting these thoughts out of my head will help. 

Is this what dating is like? I mean as we've established I'm incredibly new to these things. But does the anxious feelings or the nervousness stop getting in the way of really connecting with another person? I feel like I spend so much of my time on the phone worried and stressed about what to say next or how dumb I sound that I end up miserable. I mean why do I do that? What the heck! 

It's the absolute worst!!! So how do I get past it?! How do I stop being such a nerd blossom on the phone and just talk to him, get to know him y'know? 

I definitely feel good about the insane list of questions from earlier. I think that's a step in the right direction. But also how else can I really get myself to a place where I'm not just talking to him but really connecting with him? 

Do you think he cares? Do you think when we're not talking he thinks about me? Does je stress about these phone calls and the awkward moments of silence or does it just not even mater to him? Ugh! S.O.S this is the worst and I feel super dumb. 

But I do like him. I really feel like he cares about me--like in a respectful type, genuine good person kind of way. Like he took time in his very busy schedule today to read my essay for school. I mean who does that? Like we've only been talking for a few weeks (only days via the phone). But he just so genuinely cares about people and wants to help them. I really like that about him.

I also like that he is thoughtful about so many things. He clearly is reflective about his life, his future, his dreams, who he's meant to be. It's interested to talk to someone who knows who he is and is moving toward his goals in life. He's way beyond man child. I also like that he has opinions or ideas different than mine and he's quick to share them, not contradictory but just being open and authentic. 

I also really respect how he spoke about his past relationship. So respectful, very aware of his own mistakes in its demise. He was just so aware of his flaws and has taken the entire experience and tried to make himself better because of it. That takes a great deal of humility and faith to do. I admire that about him already. 

I just had to say that I don't want to mess things up by being in my head to much. So tomorrow when we talk I'm going to try and be better. More expressive, more myself. I'm going to try and fight off the urges of throwing up and over analyzing everything I say and just act like I'm talking to my sister- completely myself and knowing that no mater what she wants to talk to me. 

"Not" the reason

*posted from my drafts just because*

I recently was able to go to a friend's house and paint their nails before they went on a trip. I brought all my colors and my sparkles and the whole caboodle. And then they got the make their choices. One went with a pale pink and the other a sparkly pink. (Origional I know, but that's not the point.) 

The thought for this post came when my friend, debating between a bold orange sparkly polish and the sweet sparkly pink one. And over again she said, "I'm just not bold enough to wear this color." 

How often do we use the "not enough" or "not at all" to base our decisions? I'm not bold enough, I'm not brave enough, not creative enough, not talented, not, not, not. Over and over again we use what we are not to base our choices. But is that the best way? 

Should we really make our decisions with what we aren't as our motivation? Would it be better to make our choices based on who are are or what we actually like? I prefer pink to orange so I'm going with the pink polish vs. I'm not bold enough for this color. I really enjoy watching people perform so I'm not going to be in the talent show vs I'm not talented enough to be up on the stage. 

Maybe it's because it's easier to know what we aren't rather than who we are. It's easier to say I'm not than to admit that who we are may just not conform to societal norms. And is it really kind to constantly point out what we are not. Are we hurting ourselves as we do this? 

Dating

This is just on my mind so I gotta get it out of my thoughts and onto paper (so to speak). 

I recently redownloaded a dating app. *shudder* I know! But I'd just had my birthday and I couldn't help but feel like it was time to try again and really try this time around. So I went for it and I made a few matches, nothing really interesting but it was fine. Then I met Mr. Ford (not his real name, obvi, but he just ended a job at Ford so). 

Mr Ford is nice and cute and charming. We've talked online and then this week we started phone calls. It was exciting and also terrifying. I haven't told anyone except my MTC companion about him because I just don't need the pressure. 

Last night Mr. Ford finally asked the dreaded question: What are you looking for in dating right now? Yikes!!! 

So what am I looking for right now? I don't know. The truth is this is all so new and unexpected. I haven't done a lot of dating, I mean I went on my first date after I'd finished my mission and I've only had maybe 1 boyfriend (if you combine my two three date relationships that ended in disaster). I've never been kissed, never said "I love you", never really had a boyfriend. So this is all so new. 

I know myself and my anxiety and insecurities that I don't want to rush into anything. I want to take my sweet time, so there is time to develop trust and friendship before the physical attraction gets involved. Besides as you know I have quite the anxieties around physical intimacy which I haven't been able to work past yet. 

So I don't know what this all boils down to other than I want someone with me who can be patient. Who gets that I'm terrified that a relationship will just blow up in my face. That I'll be hurt and that my already struggling trust for men will be shattered forever. I want to know someone and have them know me and completely trust each other. To care about each other beyond our relationship that even if it ends well still want the other person to succeed and find happiness. 

I don't know what I'm gonna say on the phone tonight when Mr. Ford and I talk. But I'm sure it'll be awkward and stressful for me.... here's hoping getting these thoughts out of my head helps me focus a little better today. 

integrity

   Ever heard the saying: "Don't reinvent the wheel"?  Usually, it's used when you're trying to do something relatively simple and instead of using the path already paved, you're trying to find your own way crashing around in the bushes and in the process making it so much harder for yourself. Integrity falls right smack dap in the center of this concept. I mean it seems like such a simple concept: don't lie, don't cheat, don't compromise your beliefs. If you live with integrity and then *boom* happy and successful life.   

    Is this really true though? And if it is why is there so much pressure about living with Integrity?   

    I think when you choose to live with integrity in every aspect of your life you put a big target on your back. Look at Abraham Lincoln, he was so well known as an honest man that he got the nickname "Honest Abe." And look how things ended up for him? In all seriousness though, Abraham Lincoln is a personal hero of mine because he chose at every opportunity to live according to his beliefs and what was right. He focused not on the cost of his honesty and beliefs but instead on the blessings and goodness that would come from them.  

    There is a cost to being a person of integrity. You may be judged as a prude by others, you may not have the gain others get from their seedy choices, you often walk alone. But the blessings that come from your choices will far out way the challenges.  

 

    You will never have others question you or your actions. You will always have the confidence of your loved ones. You will always have a sense of inner peace because you are living true to your beliefs. You will have healthy relationships with others both privately and professionally. You will be able to impact change within society. Others will listen to and respect you-- even if they don't agree with you.  

 

    Having Integrity starts with a commitment and then every day and by a thousand little choices you follow through. Integrity means to be true to yourself first and always; no matter where, no matter why you chose what’s right. Integrity has a cost but I believe it is and always will be worth it. My choice is integrity. I hope yours will be too.  

Repost of an assignment!

For one of my classes I have to write blog posts reflecting on what I've learned and experienced. Obviously I created a new blog for this haha! But I felt like my first reflection was good enough to be on this blog too. So here's a copy and pasted version! 

The first day of something new is never easy and my first day of online school was no different. 

After going over the syllabus and doing several readings I got to the quiz. At first everything was fine, I'm answering questions feeling comfortable with my understanding and then there's a question I don't instantly know the answer to, followed by another and another. Dread, that's all I could feel and suddenly the bombardment of negativity hits; you're not smart enough, you're going to fail, you can't do this. For a moment I believed those lies and then I felt reminded that this was no ordinary online school, this was a place where I could grow intellectually and spiritually. I mean I'd read a talk by an Apostle as part of my class assignments! So I took a deep breath and started to pray, not to be given the answers, to have peace, to know my worth and to just do my best. 

I know that may not have been the purpose of my first day of school but that experience gave me the chance to learn exactly what God needed me too learn. I was surprised as I've reflected on this experience that it relates well to the mission statement shared by Elder Bednar in his address: Your Whole Souls as an Offering Unto Him. He said,

"The mission of Ricks College has four important and interrelated parts:   1. Build testimonies of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ and encourage living its principles. 2. Provide a quality education for students of diverse interests and abilities. 3. Prepare students for further education and employment, and for their roles as citizens and parents. 4. Maintain a wholesome academic, cultural, social and spiritual environment."

The purpose of this class was explained as a place to learn about ourselves, so that we can become our best selves and be prepared for further opportunities in our life. I am grateful for the reminder that although I may be studying online and alone I am not alone. I have the ability to invite the spirit to help me throughout every class and assignment and experience. I know that as I do my part in this class to learn and to be worthy of the Spirit I will succeed the way Heavenly Father wants me to. And I'm just so excited for what's to come! 

Farewell 2021

Farewell 2021!! I can't believe how quickly the year came to an end. Let's do a quick little recap of the past year;

•I read 22 books throughout the year. Including rereading the entire Harry Potter series during the month of July. 

•Started going to institute again, loved my class on Forgiveness and Repentance. Plus I made some friends. (:

•Got called to serve as a 1st councilor in the Stake Primary. I have felt overwhelmed... and uncertain but I've also felt that I have the opportunity to be a blessing to others because of and through my calling. 

•Witnessed the passing of my Grandmother. It was one of the most painful experiences and yet somehow it was also one of the most spiritual. 

•Got myself a puppy!! He's the cutest little boy and is such a sweetie. I'm so grateful I get to care for him and for all the love he brings into my life. 

•Asked a guy out on a date- he didn't say yes but I felt proud that I took step to change and move toward the future I want. 

•Decided to go back to school. It was kinda a crazy moment for me but January 5th I start my business degree through BYU-Pathways. I never thought I'd get here, but it feels right. 

•Bought my first car! Thanks Grandma!! 

•Gained some weight, lost some weight. 

•Started therapy, it was good and helpful and I should probably go back but "ain't nobody got time for that." 

•Made hot chocolate bombs for the first time! They sold well and were so tasty!! 

•Learn more about the atonement than ever before! Gained a person testimony of it's power and saw it help me change in my life. 

•Made it through the year without anything going up my butt ;) no colonoscopy or sigmoid for this girl!! 

•Baked for 3 weddings this year among doing many other events. 

This year wasn't perfect. But the good outweighed the bad. The blessing were ever present this year and I'm excited for what 2022 will offer!