There's probably a hundred different reasons why the criticism starts and what drives it forward and for each and every person it's going to be different. Maybe you can pin-point a motivator or maybe you can't, maybe your logical common sense brain says "this isn't true.... this isn't kind... I need to stop" or maybe it doesn't. Because the truth is self criticism is so easy to fall into and so so impossibly hard to escape.
This has become my life. I am terrorized by a bully, an ever present monster, a monkey always on my shoulder reminding me constantly that I am not enough. Not pretty enough. Not smart enough. Not fun enough. Not skinny enough. Not kind enough. Not doing enough. Not good enough. Just not enough. And it hurts and the feeling that follow it are real and valid and they hurt too... but feelings are not facts. *As my therapist likes to remind me*
And when someone calls me out on my B.S. with words like: You're beautiful and I love you. Or don't say such mean things about my friend, I love her. Or be kinder to yourself. Or a host of dozens of other comments usually followed by some type of advice on how to fix this problem I have. These words come from love and concern and compassion but feel like knives. Knives handed to my bully who stabs them in repeatedly.
Because now I'm not kind enough to myself. And such a disappointment to those who love you. And no one wants to be around you because of this. And why don't you fix it already so you stop hurting people. And if you don't fix it you will end up alone and unloved. And all the while I shrink in the corner wanting to hid under a blanket and never show my face again.
Even when these words come from a loving place and even when they come in kindness and the best of intentions they are still used against me. And it feels like a never ending cycle that's impossible to escape. Because the truth is you just want someone to pat you on the back and say you did a good job. You don't want someone to point out another flaw and give another piece of advice on how to fix yourself.
You just desperately want someone to tell you that what you're doing is enough. That they see how hard getting up is but you did it! And they see how hard you're working and noticed that you showered and oh my goodness you ate vegetables today? You are a Rockstar! You incredibly sexy beast! Look at you living today. And does it sound sort of silly sure but boy would it feel good. Even if that bully whispers it's not true over and over if you keep hearing it maybe it'll show up one day when the voice says not enough. Am I saying it should only come from other certainly not. But right now when I'm in the bottom of a pit listening to someone yell down, "You know you're in the bottom of a pit right? Maybe if you tried meditation and positive affirmation you wouldn't be down there." Is, unsurprisingly, the exact opposite of helpful. So this is a PSA for anyone who has a friend, family member or acquaintance who faces struggles (does that include you? It doesn't, okay let's just say anyone who can breath BOOM now you're included): just encourage them for everything they are doing. And if you feel inspired to offer advice or call them on the B.S. maybe check with them first make sure if will be actually helpful and not hurtful. And if it's not helpful right now just hold off. When they are ready, when they have the extra energy and strength to work on it then offer your advice with a healthy dose of encouragement. Or if you are worried they aren't ever going to make it out of the pit, worried they may just choose to stay down their forever by all mean make a rope and climb down and do everything you can do get them back out or better yet just sit there. Just be there for them. Let them know that they aren't alone in this pit.
And for those in the pit? Don't give up. I see you! I see how hard you are working to just breath in and out each day. You are amazing. You can do this! You are not alone. Do what you can right now to help yourself maybe with a therapist or meds or both or neither. Maybe it's with pet cuddles, a bath and a good book. Whatever you do I am proud of you. I know how hard it is and just getting out of bed today is incredible. You are doing so much more than you see. Don't give up and don't forget.
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