It's pretty well known among those closest to me, at least I think it is, that March is one of my least favorite months. Oddly enough it's the month of my birthday but I've always felt like bad things happen during this month. It was March when I had to have my emergency appendectomy on my mission. March when I was in the ER and subsequently diagnosed with UC. And it was March when the whole world shut down due to covid-19. Next year I vote we just skip over March entirely!
It all seriousness life during this pandemic is pretty hectic and overwhelming. The other day I had to go to the store, I went with my father and we had a specific list we planned to go in, get what we needed and get out. Suddenly though while I was walking through an isle I was overcome with a wave of anxiety, I was ready to just burst into tears, horrified to be out in the world and the risks I was taking. I made it through that shopping trip but the anxiety remains.
Today I was texting a friend and she was telling me, she's a pharmacy tech, about all the casual shoppers out and about doing their thing. I expressed my anxiety about just going to the store and she laughingly blew me off asking why I'd be anxious (harsh much? Maybe but I know she didn't mean anything by it). That being said I get it, when you're healthy you're indestructible. If you get sick it's fine, you'll get better. Nothing can touch you and so you watch the news and hear the warnings and think, "Man, they are really over reacting."
Here's the thing though when you're immunocompromised (simply put your immune system, the thing that helps you get better when you're sick, doesn't work and is weaker than the average person) it is a big deal. I could very easily be the worst case scenario if I'm not cautious. And because of the people who love me I am frequently reminded of this fact.
Anxiety isn't easy to explain and it's hard to mange. Anxiety is a feeling of overwhelmedness. Anxiety is, well honestly it's the feeling of drowning.
Once when I was about 12 maybe 13 my family and I had gone with all my cousins on a camping trip. We camped near a lake and it was great fun. However I am not a strong swimmer, never have been, but I manage. I was out in the water and there where a few drop off areas. I wasn't concerned I was being careful. But I blindly began following my older cousins, much better swimmers than I, at one point it got deep and scary even for them. They tried to warn me but it was too late. I was in, literally, over my head. I panicked! I was thrashing around and crying out desperately for help (I learned later that my family still on the beach had not only heard me but had seen what was happening and chose to ignore it. Now that's an aspect of anxiety that is also sad but true) thankfully the trashing propelled me forward and my cousins where able to grab me and pull me the rest of the way back from the drop off. But I will never forget that feeling. It was desperation, fear, helplessness and panic all rolled into one. And that's what anxiety feels like.
That's why I'm wiring this at 11:45pm instead of sleeping... it's rough buddy. Really and truly. And I'll be honest I don't know what the solution is. But here's what I do know;
1. Have someone safe to talk to. Tell them about what you're feeling and why. Listen to their advice and council. Sometimes just talking about it helps you process and pass on what you're feeling.
2. Be patient with yourself. These feelings are real. They are valid and it's okay to feel them. Things are scary right now. It's okay to be overwhelmed. If all you can do today is get out of bed then way to go! I'm hecka proud of you!!
3. Tune out and turn off things that increase your anxiety. For me a major trigger is social media. So bye bye Facebook. You're not good for me so no more. Maybe it's the news or maybe you need to tell your family to stop giving you minute by minute numbers on the pandemic. Thanks very much but no thanks.
4. Practice self care! Maybe it's a facial or shaving your legs. Maybe it's an hour of uninterrupted reading or a nap. Whatever it is do something nice for yourself. Take care of your mind and heart. Not just once in a while but make time everyday to show yourself how much you love yourself.
5. Choose to have hope. Find something good every day. Be grateful for it. Try to count your blessings. When things get to heavy have a good cry. Don't give up. Trust in God and hold tightly to him. This is not the end of your story. Keep turning the pages.
I hope this will help you, I'm not even sure if it's helped me yet. But if nothing more know the feelings of anxiety you're expeienceing are shared by so many. You are not alone. Sparkle on my beautifully anxious unicorn.
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